I am totally and utterly depressed *Update 4/4/10*

[MarieFan]

I'm sorry it is going so badly. You are doing all the right things. Hugs from here!

 

[Jennasis]

Nothing but hugs. Everything may seem overwhleming, but know that many MANY of us have been down that road and survived.

One step at a time. Don't look at all th things that need to be done. Focus on one task at a time.

You and your daughter are doing the right thing and will find strength together.

 

[Poohgirl]

just

You are making the right choice.

 

[diznygirl]

Thank you all so much for your support. Isnt it funny that total strangers can be the voice of reason and really help sometimes?

I know in my heart that I am not a failure, but today is just a really rough day. I just want to hide under the covers and cry all day - but instead I am at work, trying to keep it together and crying quietly behind a big stack of work!

I feel bad for my beautiful and wonderful DD that she isnt going to get the chance to have a happy family. And I am mad at him for that. I know it doesnt have to be permanent, and I really hope it isnt. But who knows at this point.....

The thought of packing up all our stuff and moving out is what is getting me right now. Stupid, I know. But it is just a big step. One that has to be done though.

Your daughter will have a happy family, you will give it to her. Not everyone has a mom and a dad and a dog - "Family" means different things to different people. Make your daughter happy with you.

You gave your husband a shot. Maybe walking away from him will give him a kick in the pants, maybe it won't. But it's what's best for you and your daughter, and that's where you need to be right now.

just

You are making the right choice.

Absolutely!!

 

[wdwfan16]

You need to leave now before he really snaps and injures your DD our yourself.

 

[ols386]

Today seems worse than it did a couple of days ago. Yesterday, I told my DH I would go into work a little late to give him a chance to go look for work - we only have one car and a scooter - and he refused to get out of bed. I finally had enough, gave him another chance to TRY to help our family out, and he didnt feel like getting out. So I said fine, I am going into work. Well, that upset my DD really badly. She starts crying for me to stay with her and not go to work. I try to console her and tell her I will be back soon, but mommy has to get ready to leave. She is hysterical and I feel awful. My DH then storms up out of the bed and says to me - you obviously dont want to deal with our daughter today, so you are going to work! I told him that didnt even make sense - but he loves to turn things around on me. I told him no, I gave him a chance to get up and look for work, he chose not to, so I had to go in. One of us at least has to work. He then takes a sippy cup off the table and throws it at my face. It missed, but that was it. I took my DD and went to my sisters for the entire day. When I got back, he was there. We didnt speak. But I think I know what I have to do now. I have to leave. It is just so hard - but I have to think about my DD. I know she loves her daddy to pieces and he loves her, but this is getting bad. It is affecting everything around me. I cannot work, sleep or even think. I called my parents and they said they would do whatever I wanted them to do.

I am just a mess today and work seems like it is going to drag on forever.

I'm really sorry. I think you are right. You just have to do, what you have to do. It does sound as though your family (your sister and your parents) are very much willing and ready to support you and be there for you and your dd.

You can't stay in the current situation the way it is with your husband. Maybe if you and your dd could stay at your parent's home for a bit, and have a trial-separation from your dh, it would be a wake-up call for him, and THEN maybe he'd be willing to make some changes in himself and the whole job situation issue.

 

[wvjules]

Does your DD always react like that when you leave for work? The fact that she reacted the way she did concerns me. Did she see your DH throw the sippy cup at you? I think you leaving, either temporarily or permantly, was a wise decision. Too many women stay in abusive relationships. Get help from your family and encourage your DH to get mental help. If he refuses then he made the choice, not you.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Thank you all so much for your support. Isnt it funny that total strangers can be the voice of reason and really help sometimes?

I know in my heart that I am not a failure, but today is just a really rough day. I just want to hide under the covers and cry all day - but instead I am at work, trying to keep it together and crying quietly behind a big stack of work!

I feel bad for my beautiful and wonderful DD that she isnt going to get the chance to have a happy family. And I am mad at him for that. I know it doesnt have to be permanent, and I really hope it isnt. But who knows at this point.....

The thought of packing up all our stuff and moving out is what is getting me right now. Stupid, I know. But it is just a big step. One that has to be done though.

Make sure someone goes with you, preferably a big, strong, man. Your husband will probably be quite upset about your decision and he isn't handling upset feelings very well. I know you know this first hand. But sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt and hope they will act maturely and they don't.

Is there a routine time when he isn't home? Even it that were the case, still take someone with you.

Stay safe.

 

[loveysbydesign]

Hugs to you and you are making the right decision by distancing yourself from your dh right now. You and your dd need to be safe away from violence.

 

[Jenvenza]

Does your DD always react like that when you leave for work? The fact that she reacted the way she did concerns me. Did she see your DH throw the sippy cup at you? I think you leaving, either temporarily or permantly, was a wise decision. Too many women stay in abusive relationships. Get help from your family and encourage your DH to get mental help. If he refuses then he made the choice, not you.

She doesnt like it when I go to work, but she normally doesnt freak out that bad. And yes, she did see him throw it at me and she looked at him and told him, "That wasnt very nice." From a 2.5 year old!!!

Make sure someone goes with you, preferably a big, strong, man. Your husband will probably be quite upset about your decision and he isn't handling upset feelings very well. I know you know this first hand. But sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt and hope they will act maturely and they don't.

Is there a routine time when he isn't home? Even it that were the case, still take someone with you.

Stay safe.

My sister's fiance' and his father are cops. And her fiance' is a BIG guy! A big teddy bear, but a big guy just the same! He has already told me he will come with me if I needed him.

 

[OceanAnnie]

She doesnt like it when I go to work, but she normally doesnt freak out that bad. And yes, she did see him throw it at me and she looked at him and told him, "That wasnt very nice." From a 2.5 year old!!!



My sister's fiance' and his father are cops. And her fiance' is a BIG guy! A big teddy bear, but a big guy just the same! He has already told me he will come with me if I needed him.

I am soooo glad! I would be very worried for you if he didn't come along.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I have not posted in this thread before now but OP, I feel for you. I think that you are doing the right thing, but it's going to be tough. Just get as much support from your family and friends as you can and trust that you are doing the right thing for you, but mainly for your daughter.

 

[snapppyd]

She doesnt like it when I go to work, but she normally doesnt freak out that bad. And yes, she did see him throw it at me and she looked at him and told him, "That wasnt very nice." From a 2.5 year old!!!



My sister's fiance' and his father are cops. And her fiance' is a BIG guy! A big teddy bear, but a big guy just the same! He has already told me he will come with me if I needed him.

You DO need him. Please don't go back there alone.

 

[Tinker74]

...From what I've read of your other posts..you are a wonderful loving mother...Don't ever feel your daughter is missing out...She is blessed to have you.....and you to have her..Stay strong

 

[puffkin]

First Jen, lots of

Second, you are so far ahead of the game. You realize there is a problem and you have a support system right there. Take comfort in what is obviously a very supportive and loving family structure.

Third, my MIL has depression issues and I feel that she is bipolar but she has never been officially diagnosed. FIL is so completely and utterly blinded by his love and adoration for her (I don't get why, but that is the reality) that he is no help. My DH has so many issues that stem from her depressive cycles and how she treated him throughout child hood (never physical or abusive, just emotionally absent and indifferent during bad cylcles) and even today. Please for the sake of your DD, try to keep her relationship as safe and normal with you DH as possible. If that means moving out until he gets help, do it! Being around that type of environment cannot be healthy for her!

 

[bumbershoot]

My husband and I have been having problems for a couple of years now, but things are worse than they have ever been.

...many other have happened as well that I have looked past for the sake of our DD, because she loves her daddy so much.

I'd wondered about that, from past posts.

Looking past things for the family's sake, when BOTH partners are actively working on things, is one thing.

But looking past things just to keep everyone under the same roof, despite no changes or attempts at changing from one partner, is totally different.

Getting strong and getting out, when situations are getting scarier, is a much better idea than continuing to stay until things hit the fan and the hitting starts. Trust me. You do NOT want her earliest memories to be vague fuzzy memories of dad beating up mom. Or memories of having to run away, mom kids dogs, to a friend's house because dad has called and (que scary music) dad is on his way over. And so on.

I second this. Do not shy away from the idea of medications - they're far more advanced than you could imagine. Ultra-modern medicines such as Tianeptine (Stablon) and Moclobemide (Manerix - you should be able to get these in the States nowadays) in particular have a high success rate with minimal - if any - side effects.

But why should she? This is situational. Her husband is having problems and is making the house miserable. If he changes, she's not miserable. If she gets out, the misery lightens. This isn't a mysterious, "why am I so sad despite my life being incredibly good", depression. This is based on something. IMO, to medicate now would be to deaden her sense of danger, and might lead to complacency, and might lead to very bad things.

So I said fine, I am going into work. Well, that upset my DD really badly. She starts crying for me to stay with her and not go to work. I try to console her and tell her I will be back soon, but mommy has to get ready to leave. She is hysterical and I feel awful. My DH then storms up out of the bed and says to me - you obviously dont want to deal with our daughter today, so you are going to work! I told him that didnt even make sense - but he loves to turn things around on me. I told him no, I gave him a chance to get up and look for work, he chose not to, so I had to go in. One of us at least has to work. He then takes a sippy cup off the table and throws it at my face. It missed, but that was it.

Her hysteria is because she just doesn't understand. Very common. I would get so confused I would side with my dad! So she's hearing and watching, and *feeling* all of this, and she's confused and acting out. And obviously the idea of being alone with dad and the weirdness he probably puts out isn't making her happy, so you going to work was the breaking point.

Glad you got out for the day.

Thank you all so much for your support. Isnt it funny that total strangers can be the voice of reason and really help sometimes?

I feel bad for my beautiful and wonderful DD that she isnt going to get the chance to have a happy family. And I am mad at him for that. I know it doesnt have to be permanent, and I really hope it isnt. But who knows at this point.....

Strangers online did more for DH and my relationship than anyone in real life. IRL people were so on the surface. People online asked the deep questions.

She'll have a happy family; happier than it is right now! If this spurs your husband to take care of himself and you guys can be together, it'll be happier. If your husband takes care of himself but you can't be together, it'll be happier. If your husband continues down this track and you can't be together, it'll still be happier.

It won't be mom+dad+kid, but if that combo is unhappy and volatile and a spouse won't work to change, it will be happier to be away.

You may also want to let your local constable know about the violence/lack of meds. It is good to have documented; they also may be able to help you "force" him into a facility.

Good idea. Also it could keep him from having alone time with her until he gets more stable.


Good luck. You're doing well. Ultimately, your girl will be stronger than if you just stayed and let things be and lived in misery and confusion and anxiety.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hang in there, Jenvenza. I know it seems like the end of the world, but it isn't. Think of the better life you will create for your daughter in a more healthy environment.

 

[sunshine girl]

Hugs and support to you. You are wiser and more capable than you give yourself credit for. Add me to the list of people who are supporting you from afar. And, your husband should not be throwing things at you, period. Never!

 

[LuvBaloo]

Adding some more for you!

Reading through the thread there's a couple things that I want to stress even though they've already been said.

You are NOT a failure!

Your DD can have a happy family! Families come in all shapes and sizes, and no matter what your DD is blessed with a mom who loves her and is trying her best!

Please take care of yourself so you can continue to be a great mom for your DD

 

[brockash]

Thank you all so much for your support. Isnt it funny that total strangers can be the voice of reason and really help sometimes?

I know in my heart that I am not a failure, but today is just a really rough day. I just want to hide under the covers and cry all day - but instead I am at work, trying to keep it together and crying quietly behind a big stack of work!

I feel bad for my beautiful and wonderful DD that she isnt going to get the chance to have a happy family. And I am mad at him for that. I know it doesnt have to be permanent, and I really hope it isnt. But who knows at this point.....

The thought of packing up all our stuff and moving out is what is getting me right now. Stupid, I know. But it is just a big step. One that has to be done though.

I completely understand how you feel, but in all honesty, that's just not something YOU have control over at this point. You can't control your DH, you didn't make him throw a sippy cup at you, or have any of the other verbally abusive things. He's made those decisions, and you can't control that. So as much as you want your dd to have that kind of life, at this point, it's not an option. What you do have control over is if your dd has a life where her parents/house is very tense, and her mom stays with her dad even though he throws things at her ect., or you can chose to give her a life of peace and safety in your home without mom and dad living in the same house. I know neither of those are the ideal situation, but at this point, it's the only 2 choices that you have any control over, and you need to make the decision that is best for you and your dd. Good luck to you and I hope you have the courage to do what's best for you and your dd. I know it won't be easy, but you know whats best for you and dd.