I AM SO ANNOYED! Marriage/parenting issues

[peanut1967]

That would so frustrate me....I dont know how you are holding your temper at your DH.

who spends the most time with your DD?

If your DH doesnt spend much time with her, you go visiting over the weekend and leave your DD with him. Maybe because he isnt seeing a lot of her he isnt seeing the whole picture, do you know what I mean. My dh has suddenly realised what a handful our foster child is, because I gave them more quality time together He certainly knows now how our fc works and trys to munipulate every situation.

Angie

 

[mjkacmom]

EXACTLY!!
She has been tested as gifted so she IS smart. And she is in talented theater so she is a HUGE drama queen (she knows how to work it......). But I am afraid we are in the process of creating a monster.

She sounds just like my oldest (her preschool teachers called her Emmy). The good news: she no longer acts like this, is a straight A honors student, and is right now at a competitive musical theater program, which she auditioned into. The bad news: if she is anything like my dd, the worst is yet to come. Fourth, fifth, and the first half of sixth grade were torture. She was intense, and was easily frustrated if she did "get" something, like math, or if things didn't go her way. Fortunately, DH had my back. He would try to calm her, but she just needed to go upstairs, get it out, and be done. She is easier now, as a teen, than as an adolescent.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am not sure hugging would work with her. When she starts her fit throwing (I dont really know what to call it....tantruming??) and he hugs and coddles her, she cries louder and longer and its never ending.

How long does she cry? Time it.

Send your dh in there to get her to bed. See how long it takes him. When your dh is home have him be the parent in charge.

DH and I divide and conquer. He takes the 19yo and I have the 13yo.

I guess what I am saying, stop focusing on his method right now and focus more on giving him the responsiblity for discipline when he is home.

You guys have to come together. This is just one way of him seeing the light.

 

[jmpurdy]

I suggest an episode or more of Nanny 911. If you both aren't on the same page, it will be BIG trouble later on in life. He's doing her no favors and either had a tough childhood and can't discipline or wants to undermine YOU (passive aggressive). Either way, he absolutely must get on board with being a parent or she will lose in the end and she won't have good coping skills at all. Once he gets it (hopefully he will) sit her down and tell her that her life is about to change dramatically. When she acts out, there will be a consequence and tell her what that is and so on. It'll be holy heck for a few days, but once she knows you both aren't changing back to the way it was, she'll stop the behavior because it won't get her anywhere. He has to understand she WILL be uncomfortable for a bit and he has to stand firm. She'll be horrible until she sees it won't work. Be prepared, but once you are through the initial blowup, it will get easier. Best of luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just always tell him that one day DD will be gone to college and it will be the two of us again and we need to be able to get along in OUR relationship.......... All I see is that when she leaves, I am gonna resent DH BIG TIME.

Wow, this goes way, way, deeper than a difference in parenting style.

Your husband is using your child as a way to undermine and disrespect you and to maintain sole control. Serious stuff... He is feathering his own head-dress here while effectively poisoning your relationship with your child.... (you are the hated, evil, disciplinarian, bad guy) The fact that she may end up being indulged/spoiled is really the least of the fallout that is likely.

I don't really have any answers for you, but I don't see a happy ending here unless some serious outside professional help/advice could make a difference.

 

[sbell111]

I certainly agree that both parents need to be on the same page. However, I disagree with many on this thread who are convinced that the OP is right and the father is wrong in how the child's issues are being handled. Based solely on posts to this thread, it seems like mom is dealing with the child from a place of frustration and emotion while the father is not.

Also, I suspect that this thread is another example of mom always being right and dad always being wrong as typical on these boards.

 

[jmpurdy]

I certainly agree that both parents need to be on the same page. However, I disagree with many on this thread who are convinced that the OP is right and the father is wrong in how the child's issues are being handled. Based solely on posts to this thread, it seems like mom is dealing with the child from a place of frustration and emotion while the father is not.

Also, I suspect that this thread is another example of mom always being right and dad always being wrong as typical on these boards.

um, no that is not what is being suggested. The father isn't disciplining at ALL. The father is undermining the mother so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Big difference. Huge difference.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I certainly agree that both parents need to be on the same page. However, I disagree with many on this thread who are convinced that the OP is right and the father is wrong in how the child's issues are being handled. Based solely on posts to this thread, it seems like mom is dealing with the child from a place of frustration and emotion while the father is not.

Also, I suspect that this thread is another example of mom always being right and dad always being wrong as typical on these boards.

I agree with this...in both situations, the Mom could have handled it differently. Daughter is throwing a fit about a DS game that she can't figure out...while I get that she shouldn't be pitching a fit...maybe Mom could spend 5 minutes trying to help her figure out the game. She is just a kid and kids get frustrated---they don't always know how to channel their behavior. I would explain to my DD, this is not a way for a young lady to act when you get frustrated, but if you would like for me to help you figure it out, I would be happy to.... Instead, she gives her a timeout....

THEN--the daughter was too scared to go to sleep and instead of trying to talk her through it, you punished her for "carrying on"?

Maybe Dad is being overly sensitive b/c Mom is so cold?

 

[wdwfan16]

I agree with this...in both situations, the Mom could have handled it differently. Daughter is throwing a fit about a DS game that she can't figure out...while I get that she shouldn't be pitching a fit...maybe Mom could spend 5 minutes trying to help her figure out the game. She is just a kid and kids get frustrated---they don't always know how to channel their behavior. I would explain to my DD, this is not a way for a young lady to act when you get frustrated, but if you would like for me to help you figure it out, I would be happy to.... Instead, she gives her a timeout....

THEN--the daughter was too scared to go to sleep and instead of trying to talk her through it, you punished her for "carrying on"?

Maybe Dad is being overly sensitive b/c Mom is so cold?

The DH is wrong because he did not back up the Mother. She may have over reacted but he should not circumvent her authority. He should back her up in front of the daughter and then talk with the Mother later to explain why she overreacted and how to handle the situation next time. This is why I suggested parenting classes.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

The DH is wrong because he did not back up the Mother. She may have over reacted but he should not circumvent her authority. He should back her up in front of the daughter and then talk with the Mother later to explain why she overreacted and how to handle the situation next time. This is why I suggested parenting classes.

I think perhaps Dad is afraid to talk to Mom about her parenting...if thats the way she reacts to her kids, I'd hate to see the way she reacts to her disagreeing husband.....

I agree they need to both find a happy medium in discipline... and stick to it....as a team....

 

[sunlver]

I am so annoyed! I have one DD 9 who is spoiled rotten! She will cry and throw a fit any time she doesnt get what she wants. When I try to punish her (time out, take things away) DH will run behind me and "fix" it.

For example, Saturday she had a DS game that she said would not work....well she hadnt taken the time to read the instructions on the new game so it wasnt that the game didnt work, she just didnt know how to play it yet. But according to her its "broken" and she starts throwing a fit - crying, screaming, just going on and on. I calmly walked in the room, took the game form her and sent her to a time out in her room (no TV or computer, we are remodeling in there so its truly a boring place now). I set the timer on the microwave for 9 minutes. Well she starts crying LOUDLY and after 3 minutes I see DH walking down the hall, opens her door and starts talking to her, hugging her, etc. He had seen me give her the time out so he knew why she was in there. So I told him to close the door and kind of shooed him away back into the living room. I asked him "how can you justify doing that when she is in time out?" and he said "well I'm not going to just sit here and listen to her cry."

Then how an I supposed to punish her and have it make an impression if he wont let her be the least bit uncomfortable??

They have a store here that has a "wheel of WOW" modeled after the Webkinz wheel. So you spin it and win a little prize. I told her I would take her on Monday. Well Sunday night I asked her to go to bed and she wouldnt. She talked, hollered, cried, said she had read something scary in her book and she was scared to sleep, etc. So DH came in there, sat her in his lap, hugged her, etc. All this did was allow her to stall and not go to sleep. THEN the next morning she asked if we were going to the store to spin the wheel and I said "No, due tou your behavior last night and not doing what I asked and then throwing a fit about it, we will not be going today." So of course, she ran to DH and cried about it and the next thing I know they are walking out the door and he said "I am taking her to spin the wheel!"

Can you say LIVID??

He and I have never been on the same page, parenting wise. I feel like I can discipline without him going behind my back and undoing it. He is not doing her any favors at all. And I have told him this over and over and I am just sick of it. He will sheepishly say "yeah I know..." when I give him a glimpse of how she may be at 12, 15 or 17 but he wont do anything to change it.

I have a feeling she would be a different child if he were out of the picture. I do not spank but once I swatted her on the butt with a paperback book and he made me feel like the worst mother in the world.

Any thoughts, opinions, suggestions? I swear, I am at the end of my rope!."

I am sooooo sorry u are going through this.. All I can say is, ARE we married to the same man???
My husband is the exact same way with my soon to be 11 yr old daughter. He is like it with all the kids, but her the most because she is the one with the most discipline problems.
For example, I tell her take your laundry to your room> I wash and dry and fold it intostacks on my bed. She comes in says "THERE IS TOO MUCH, I CANT CARRY IT ALL"..so I say.make two trips..in the process she is crying,whining and saying "ITS JUST TOO MUCH"...in the process then she drops it all on the hallway floor, all while laying there crying/sobbing..like she has just been shot or something..Then there is me, yelling at her PICK IT UP...5 minutes later my husband comes up, picks it up for her and takes it to her room..this is just one example of it.
He says he does because he rather the screaming(On my end)and her crying just be done with.
Im sorry I have no advice..but I am married to the exact same person, and it is frustrating..we are not on the same page about anything..

 

[Beckypooh1972]

I am so annoyed! I have one DD 9 who is spoiled rotten! She will cry and throw a fit any time she doesnt get what she wants. When I try to punish her (time out, take things away) DH will run behind me and "fix" it.

For example, Saturday she had a DS game that she said would not work....well she hadnt taken the time to read the instructions on the new game so it wasnt that the game didnt work, she just didnt know how to play it yet. But according to her its "broken" and she starts throwing a fit - crying, screaming, just going on and on. I calmly walked in the room, took the game form her and sent her to a time out in her room (no TV or computer, we are remodeling in there so its truly a boring place now). I set the timer on the microwave for 9 minutes. Well she starts crying LOUDLY and after 3 minutes I see DH walking down the hall, opens her door and starts talking to her, hugging her, etc. He had seen me give her the time out so he knew why she was in there. So I told him to close the door and kind of shooed him away back into the living room. I asked him "how can you justify doing that when she is in time out?" and he said "well I'm not going to just sit here and listen to her cry."

Ok, OP, I'm going to offer up a different opinion, albeit a controversial one. When your daughter was throwing a fit over not being able to play the game you and you walked in and took it away I think you might have taken a different approach.
Next time, perhaps you should try talking to her and getting to the bottom of her frustration instead of reacting with annoyance because she is throwing a fit. Your husband may be a better listener and that is why she gravitates towards him. Kids need to be taught mutual respect and parents are their role model for that. Ask yourself what you would do if a co-worker (an adult) were having an absolute hissy-fit or emotional outbreak; you wouldn't snatch something out of her hand... likely you would try to talk to her about what is happening and offer to help. May not be a popular approach but it is something to try... building mutual respect takes time and rather you think it is necessary in parenting a child or not, it just might work. Kids aren't born with emotional intelligence; it has to be learned.
Best wishes...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I certainly agree that both parents need to be on the same page. However, I disagree with many on this thread who are convinced that the OP is right and the father is wrong in how the child's issues are being handled. Based solely on posts to this thread, it seems like mom is dealing with the child from a place of frustration and emotion while the father is not.

Also, I suspect that this thread is another example of mom always being right and dad always being wrong as typical on these boards.

No, I do not agree with the way the mom is handling the tantrums. She certainly needs a better approach.

However the father is not handling the situation from a mature POV either.

Both parents are to blame here.

 

[clutter]

No, I do not agree with the way the mom is handling the tantrums. She certainly needs a better approach.

However the father is not handling the situation from a mature POV either.

Both parents are to blame here.

And they are both over-compensating for the other. Meantime, dd sees LOTS of buttons to push, and is pushing them.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I agree that you and your DH need to be on the same page. DH has been telling me for years that I need to "get a back bone" with the kids. Like your DH, I cave. I just hate being the bad guy. As a result, my kids are spoiled rotten. They, even at 17, pitch fits to get their way. It's awful. Just yesterday he sent me an article. Stop nourishing entitlement. DH says that by giving in like we are, we are raising children who feel like they are owed something in life & are entitled to what ever they want. The article is by Dr. Alan Zimmerman. This is just a part of it:
>
> In other words, be very careful of doing anything for people they can and should be doing for themselves. It's one of the secrets of every highly effective leader, manager, teacher, coach and parent. They refuse to treat people like children who need to be coddled or taken care of.
>
> Vince Lombardi, the legendary football coach, preached that very philosophy. He said, "Football is like life; it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority." He didn't say football was like a nursery where he would make life easy and comfortable for his players. He knew that would turn them into losers instead of winners.
>
> Of course, most people don't consciously nourish entitlement. Most people don't try to turn other people into unmotivated individuals who don't know the first thing about being a self-sufficient self-starter. But a lot of parents do exactly that when they say/do such things as the following.
>
> **"Here, let me do that for you."
>
> **"I want you to have everything I never had."
>
> **"I will lay out your clothes, so you look just right."
>
> **"I will make sure that you never experience anything unpleasant."
>
> **"I will drop you off and pick you up, so you won't have to wait."
>
> **"I will make sure that you are not bored."
>
> **"If you have difficulty with others, I will intervene so you feel good."
>
> **"I will confront that teacher who dares to correct you."
>
> **"I will make sure you don't struggle with anything."
>
> **"I will make sure you don't experience disappointment."
>
> **"I am your servant. So I'll continuously ask you, 'What do you want to eat?'"
>
> These days ... life coaches and career coaches have become very popular and very helpful. But no reputable coach would ever nourish or allow their clients the luxury of having an "attitude of entitlement." No coach would ever say to his client, "There, there now. You don't have to think. You don't have to make any decisions. You don't have to do anything. I'll do it all for you." It would be malpractice of the highest order.
>
> So please, stop yourself when you're tempted to do things for someone that he can and should do for himself. It destroys his present dignity as well as his future success. As Franklin Roosevelt so wisely observed, "Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort" ... not in doing it for him.

I am still reading the rest of it, but it hits home because I see myself doing some of the things listed above. This may not help you at all, and it may not even fit in with what you are saying, but it will just let you be aware that if this is not stopped now, you will have problems later with the kids. I have had a time, and it's all my fault. I am proud of you for seeing it now.

 

[Buckalew11]

I vote, Get Counseling. I'm watching this type thing in my family and watching a marriage fall apart...Get on the same page--NOW.

 

[monkeybug]

I would recommend a parenting class for you and your husband. Not because you don't know how to parent effectively, but because you have such different ways of going about it. A parenting class could teach you techniques that are neither his nor yours and you can operate from more neutral territory. If there are none available you could even just read a few books together. The important thing is that you both get on the same page, and find a way to do it that allows you both to be who you are. Something that allows for the love and compassion your husband wants, but also the discipline and responsibility you want. I think you can find a way to incorporate both.

Also I'm confused about why you punished your daughter for being scared at bedtime? Is it because at her age you feel she is too old for such feelings, or because she routinely does that sort of thing to avoid going to bed?
I kind of feel like your husband might have been on the right track with that one, but of course I don't know the background or the whole story.

 

[monkeybug]

Ok, OP, I'm going to offer up a different opinion, albeit a controversial one. When your daughter was throwing a fit over not being able to play the game you and you walked in and took it away I think you might have taken a different approach.
Next time, perhaps you should try talking to her and getting to the bottom of her frustration instead of reacting with annoyance because she is throwing a fit. Your husband may be a better listener and that is why she gravitates towards him. Kids need to be taught mutual respect and parents are their role model for that. Ask yourself what you would do if a co-worker (an adult) were having an absolute hissy-fit or emotional outbreak; you wouldn't snatch something out of her hand... likely you would try to talk to her about what is happening and offer to help. May not be a popular approach but it is something to try... building mutual respect takes time and rather you think it is necessary in parenting a child or not, it just might work. Kids aren't born with emotional intelligence; it has to be learned.
Best wishes...

I agree with this! It's so hard not to get angry when kids are throwing fits! SO hard. I just remind myself that my place is to teach them a better way of dealing with their emotions, not punish them for having them.
I love that quote "kids need love the most when they deserve it the least".
That's not to say I don't think kids need boundaries and discipline, I think they need plenty of both, but I think they need validation and compassion in good measure as well.

 

[monkeybug]

I am sooooo sorry u are going through this.. All I can say is, ARE we married to the same man???
My husband is the exact same way with my soon to be 11 yr old daughter. He is like it with all the kids, but her the most because she is the one with the most discipline problems.
For example, I tell her take your laundry to your room> I wash and dry and fold it intostacks on my bed. She comes in says "THERE IS TOO MUCH, I CANT CARRY IT ALL"..so I say.make two trips..in the process she is crying,whining and saying "ITS JUST TOO MUCH"...in the process then she drops it all on the hallway floor, all while laying there crying/sobbing..like she has just been shot or something..Then there is me, yelling at her PICK IT UP...5 minutes later my husband comes up, picks it up for her and takes it to her room..this is just one example of it.
He says he does because he rather the screaming(On my end)and her crying just be done with.
Im sorry I have no advice..but I am married to the exact same person, and it is frustrating..we are not on the same page about anything..

Yikes! I'm totally on your side with that one!!! That would tick me off!

 

[SnowWhite607]

I would recommend a parenting class for you and your husband. Not because you don't know how to parent effectively, but because you have such different ways of going about it. A parenting class could teach you techniques that are neither his nor yours and you can operate from more neutral territory. If there are none available you could even just read a few books together. The important thing is that you both get on the same page, and find a way to do it that allows you both to be who you are. Something that allows for the love and compassion your husband wants, but also the discipline and responsibility you want. I think you can find a way to incorporate both.

Also I'm confused about why you punished your daughter for being scared at bedtime? Is it because at her age you feel she is too old for such feelings, or because she routinely does that sort of thing to avoid going to bed?
I kind of feel like your husband might have been on the right track with that one, but of course I don't know the background or the whole story.

This.

I told her at 11pm to go to sleep, lights out. No she could not stay up until midnight or later (or school start back at the beginning of August and I want to get her used to a schedule again, this summer has been NUTS). The book she read was "stories to read to your cat". So when it was time to go to sleep, she said she had read something scary. I asked her to tell me what it was and she came up with all kinds of off the wall stuff. I asked her to show it to me in the book and she said "well it didnt say exactly that..." which led me to believe it was all an exaggeration (which she does quite often) so she could stay up later and claim to be scared. And guess what time it was when she settled down.....a bit after midnight.

I engage her too much in the heat of the moment, I know. But I dont think I am harsh by any means. She had already been warned when she was throwing her tantrum about the DS game so the time out did not come at the beginning.

But in the case of DH taking her to the store to get a prize after I said "no" b/c of her behavior, I just want to be able to apply a consequence and not have it undermined. Perhaps next time she would think twice before she threw another fit.

The PP who posted about her DD and the laundry......have you been peeking in my windows?? That is the kind of thing that happens here all the time.

Please dont think that any time she does something I dont like that I throw her in her room. She doesnt even know HOW to serve a time out cause she has gotten so few in her life. My fault, I know.

And to the PP who called me "cold", um, no I dont think so. DD and I have a GREAT relationship when it is the 2 of us....know why? Cause her father is not around for her to whine to and that whatever I say, goes. I am not strict but I try not to be too lenient either. But yes, I require certain behaviors and I am going to require that my 9 year old does not lay on the floor and kick and screm and slam doors when she doesnt get her way. We get along great and do many fun things together, its just that when the 3 of us get together, all heck breaks loose.

This has always been the routine.....

DD - Daddy would you play Twister with me?

DH - no I dont feel like doing that right now

DD - please Daddy, play with me

DH - I said not right now

DD - I WANT TO PLAY TWISTER!

DH - FINE! I'll do it!

And they play. I think all this teaches her is that if she aggravates him enough, he will do what she asks. Or if she cries enough. Or if she just keeps going on and on and on, he will give in.