I am really ticked at my brother... (sorry, long vent)

[believe]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} to you, Chris. I will keep this situation in my prayers!

 

[Breezy_Carol]

{{{{hugs}}}} Chris.

I have been in your shoes. Six years ago when my dad was ill, I visited every other day for five months. I took my mom to the hospital and shopped and stayed at their house when he came home. All with a 10 and 8 year old, a job and an hour drive one way. My brother visited 3 times in 5 months. Granted he lives farther away but not so far he couldn't drive down on a weekend. When my dad passed away, dear brother gave the eulogy and everyone told him and my mother how wonderful he was. I was more than a little peeved. And he was of no help cleaning out their home and helping my mother move. But he did offer to let me know what I was doing wrong.

All I can say is know that you are doing a good and right thing and it is what your mother would have wanted.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am the oldest so I do know what you are talking about. Sorry you have to deal with a selfish brother. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Disney Doll]

We've been through this with DH's family(and are actually at the tail end of the process now). I have a few observations, which I have come to over the past 2 years.

1. The only behavior you can control is your own.

2. Your brother thrives on getting you upset, so don't let him.

3. Handle everything in a very matter-of-fact way. With regard to the gutters, call him and calmly state "I need the leaves in the gutters cleaned out by "X" date. If you aren't able to do it by then, I will hire someone with and use the estate money to pay for it." He will go through a big song and dance about why he can't, he doesn't have time, what about your DH etc. Do not respond to any of his statements or questions. Just continue to repeat "I need the gutters cleaned by X date. If you are unable to do so by then, I will hire someone and use the estate money to pay for it."

4. Keep very precise records of all of the estate business, bills that are paid, debt vs. income/savings, etc. When the end of the probate period comes, and he doesn't get the amount he thinks he should, he'll be looking to figure out why.

5. His financial problems are not your worry, unless you have co-signed loans or whatever for him. If he gets himself into a hole so deep that he can't get out, it's his problem not yours. He's an adult. Treat him like one.

DH has a sister who thankfully lives 1500 miles away. When my in-laws were sick/dying(both in the same year 9 months apart!), her contribution to the process was to visit a couple of times, wreak havoc, and p*** everybody off. Her concern has been for herself only, what could she take from their house when we were cleaning it out, where is her money, why doesn't the estate finance her trips home anymore(in-laws used to pay for the 45 year old woman to come home on a whim!!), shouldn't the estate give her $5000 for each of her children to start a college fund(my in-laws had given their oldest grandchild that amount when he started college when they were still alive)...I could go on and on. I finally blew my stack when she was coming home for one trip because she called my DH(executor)and insisted that the estate pay for her trip because she was coming home to do "estate business". She was coming home because she didn't trust that her siblings would give her the items that my in-laws had indicated she should receive. DH was practically sick over it, and I finally told him that if he didn't tell her where to get off, I would. I told him that she was a manipulative sociopathic nut, and as such, he should treat her like a drug addict. By that I mean, when I take care of a drug-detoxing person in the hospital, they will use any excuses,reasons,behaviors to get more drugs than the detox program allows for. Basically, what you have to do is pick a "mantra" and stick with it, such as "I know you feel lousy, but your next medicine isn't due until 2PM". And no matter what they say, you repeat the same thing(refer to #3 above). I also told him he needed to stop being the big brother and thinking he had to take care of the world. She's 45 years old,with a husband and 2 children, an adult, and perfectly capable of taking care of herself. He listened to my advice(for once ) and,lo and behold, it worked!!!!! It hasn't been an easy transition, because we are undoing years of ingrained behavior, but when she sees she's not getting anywhere, she stops.

I wish you the best of luck. It is not an easy time, and it's a shame that it has to be made more difficult by a nasty, manipulative, self-centered human being.

 

[Jeafl]

Chris, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It's hard enough dealing with the death of a parent, let alone going through this with your brother. I think everyone here has given you great advice, please listen to them. Take care, and keep us updated.

 

[dizneenut]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, Chris.
{{{hugs}}}

 

[December99]

Thanks guys. The whole thing just has surprised me to pieces. It's not the way I thought he would have been. And my mom would be so mad (well she probably is maybe that's why things aren't going his way right now!) at how he has been handling things.

Fortunately I haven't co-signed anything for him and won't. My credit is just finally getting reestablished from my deadbeat ex-husband. We'll see how his attitude is today if he emails me after the realtor meets with him. He will have him sign the contract plus he is having him look at his house to put on the market which needs alot of work. I think this is gonna be the wake-up call that he has needed!!!!

Oh, and we are co-executors so can't do that part that Kim said cause he can do the same thing. Also everything is going through the lawyer so all records are being kept (income and expenses) which is good!

 

[Serena]

More {{{hugs}}}

 

[CarolA]

Chris,
I think you are doing the best you can. I would quit killing yourself over making this house acceptable.

When you meet with the realtor he/she can you what MUST be done and what needs to be done and what this is going to to do to the house price.

Your brother can decide if he wants to take less money or move his you -know-what!


When he asks if you or DH can do it, point out the number of hours you have spent. Even though you are co-executors I think you can bill the estate for your time. Talk to your lawyer.