I am beyond livid at the teacher

[Erin1700]

My child witnessed someone being bullied. The bully told my child not to tell. We know the bully quite well. I told my DD that I could not call this girls mother as it happened at school and not home.
My DD decided to email the teacher about it. Teacher responds that she will take care of it and not tell how she found out.

I get a call from the bullys mom today and she said the teacher told her it was my kid who told!!! How can schools preach anti bullying and tell someone you trust and have this happen???

I dont even know the best way to handle this!!!
Aren't teachers supposed to be professional and not tell???

 

[MM27]

The teacher is creating problems for herself. If kids know that she is going to share what they tell her, when they ask her not to, she is going to find that kids will not open up to her in the future.

That being said, I would call the teacher and explain that your child wanted to help but didn't want her name brought into it.

 

[JR6ooo4]

I would have assumed that since the bully told DD to keep quiet that the bully was the one that told his/her mom.

Maybe the bully's mom just tricked you into admitting it?

It does not matter who told. I would have been scolding the mom for not realizing the point of "who told" is inconsequential. The only issue is the bullying. Not why the bully was caught...

Mikeeee

 

[happygirl]

I wouldn't be so sure you the teacher did say anything maybe the bully knew your daughter saw and they are just assuming she was the one that said something.

 

[Erin1700]

I kind of thought that at first, but the parent said something that was written in the email. The only person besides my dd and myself to see that, would be the teacher.

And I agree that the bullying is more the issue than who told. But try telling that to the bullys mom who thinks her kid is innocent.

 

[kirbsam]

do not be so quick to believe the mom of the bully and not the teacher. most teachers that i know are true to their word. i bet the kid told his mom that your kid told. i am amazed actually how quick we are to blame teachers these days and take the word of less reliable sources.

 

[happygirl]

I kind of thought that at first, but the parent said something that was written in the email. The only person besides my dd and myself to see that, would be the teacher.

And I agree that the bullying is more the issue than who told. But try telling that to the bullys mom who thinks her kid is innocent.

I thought you said you called the teacher. I guess the Email threw me off? The bully mom is never going to realize her child isn't a perfect angel

 

[Erin1700]

Really, there is no other way this mom could have known specifics unless the teacher told her.

 

[happygirl]

Really, there is no other way this mom could have known specifics unless the teacher told her.

I'm sorry it wouldn't be hard to guess either a email or a phone call.

 

[turning40withMickey]

I would have assumed that since the bully told DD to keep quiet that the bully was the one that told his/her mom.

Maybe the bully's mom just tricked you into admitting it?

It does not matter who told. I would have been scolding the mom for not realizing the point of "who told" is inconsequential. The only issue is the bullying. Not why the bully was caught...

Mikeeee

I wouldn't be so sure you the teacher did say anything maybe the bully knew your daughter saw and they are just assuming she was the one that said something.

do not be so quick to believe the mom of the bully and not the teacher. most teachers that i know are true to their word. i bet the kid told his mom that your kid told. i am amazed actually how quick we are to blame teachers these days and take the word of less reliable sources.

This was my initial thought: the problem is with the bully and mom of the bully, not the teacher (who may or may not have mentioned a name, and I am inclined to think not).
I think you need to talk to the teacher, find out what was said.
Your child did the RIGHT thing, remember to praise her for that.
The bully did the WRONG thing, and the mom of the bully is perpetuating it, which is part of the whole bully cycle. No easy solution for you, but your daughter is RIGHT and the bully is WRONG. Period.

 

[turning40withMickey]

Really, there is no other way this mom could have known specifics unless the teacher told her.

Her child wouldn't know? (the bully)

 

[Tink888]

I thought maybe the Mom was just bluffing as well since the bully told your DD not to tell but after your second post I think I'd email the teacher and ask her about it to see what her side of the story is.......

And then I'd send a nice email to the principal expressing your concerns and forward the email between you and the teacher. Let the teacher see how it feels to be thrown under the bus.

I agree there's no point in telling kids to come forward when they encounter bullying if they have to worry about retribution. The bully's Mom should be talking to her own kid about their actions and definately NOT calling you.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I also wouldn't be so sure that the teacher told. I would ask the mother of the bully if she wouldn't mind forwarding the email to you since your daughter is now involved. If she demurs, then that's a red flag that she's making it up.

If she won't let you see the letter, I would say something back to her like, I'm sure the teacher is mistaken, my daughter was not involved.

Actually, if it were me in the situation, I'd say "honey, your kid has some issues. We all know it, we've all seen it, we're trying to help you here but you have to understand that your kid is making other kids miserable, and if you don't seek help for her she's eventually going to be ostrasized, as will you, since nobody wants their child to hang out with your child. I understand that this isn't my fight and that my daughter was not directly involved, however she was standing up for the victim. I appreciate your concern about what is happening, and I am happy to meet with you, the teacher, the VICTIM, and your daughter and I'm sure we can work this all out amicably."

At which point she'll run because she doesn't want to face the fact that she's got a kid with behavioral problems. But at least you're not longer on the defensive. It's REALLY challenging to use the words above with people like that, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I know.

 

[turning40withMickey]

I also wouldn't be so sure that the teacher told. I would ask the mother of the bully if she wouldn't mind forwarding the email to you since your daughter is now involved. If she demurs, then that's a red flag that she's making it up.

If she won't let you see the letter, I would say something back to her like, I'm sure the teacher is mistaken, my daughter was not involved.

Actually, if it were me in the situation, I'd say "honey, your kid has some issues. We all know it, we've all seen it, we're trying to help you here but you have to understand that your kid is making other kids miserable, and if you don't seek help for her she's eventually going to be ostrasized, as will you, since nobody wants their child to hang out with your child. I understand that this isn't my fight and that my daughter was not directly involved, however she was standing up for the victim. I appreciate your concern about what is happening, and I am happy to meet with you, the teacher, the VICTIM, and your daughter and I'm sure we can work this all out amicably."

At which point she'll run because she doesn't want to face the fact that she's got a kid with behavioral problems. But at least you're not longer on the defensive. It's REALLY challenging to use the words above with people like that, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I know.

Most excellent!

you are good!
that is EXACTLY what the bully mom needs to hear!

 

[Lanshark]

Call the teacher and talk to her. Most problems can be cleared up by communicating with the teacher rather than jumping to conclusions.

 

[Erin1700]

OP here...the stuff the mom knew was too specific. These are 8 yr old girls. The bullys mom hides behind the words "practical jokes". Practical jokes do not belong at school.

I know you all seem to think it wasnt the teacher, but there is no way it wasnt.

 

[Lanshark]

OP here...the stuff the mom knew was too specific. These are 8 yr old girls. The bullys mom hides behind the words "practical jokes". Practical jokes do not belong at school.

I know you all seem to think it wasnt the teacher, but there is no way it wasnt.

Then you have nothing to lose by calling and discussing the situation with the teacher.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the teacher. You said the bully told your dd not to tell. So, chances are good that the bully figured out that your dd told the teacher who then told his mom. So then the bully told her mom that your dd was the one who told on him because she was the ony one to see the "practical joke".

You said the mother knew the specifics--how much did your dd tell the teacher? Wouldn't the teacher have been specific with the mother of the bully?

What did you say to the mother when she called? I hope you didn't respond in any way in terms of confirming your dd reported her.

I would contact the teacher tomorrow and calmly explain what happened and hear the teacher's side of the story. Also, prepare dd for some backlash from the bully.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I would strongly suggest calling and talking to the teacher about it because even if she didn't give names she needs to be aware that there may now be an issue between this bully and your child.

As for everyone thinking the teacher didn't tell; don't be so quick to assume she didn't either. We had a similar situation when my oldest ds was in school and the principal DID tell who told him--there was no doubt. When I confronted the principal about it, he said he needed to use ds's name to get the other boy to admit it. His explanation didn't help much when the two boys got into a fight two days later.

 

[JimmyPicker]

Your daughter wrote an email to the teacher, right?

Isn't it possible that the teacher could have read part of the email to the bully's mom and completely left your daughters name out of it?

Bully's mom would have the "specifics" as you call them, and once Bully's Mom confronted the kid, the kid would have known it was your daughter, since Bully made a point to tell your daughter not to tell.