Husband Quit His Job

[erinz]

Yes, the first year of a marriage may be hard (although mine wasn't at all).

But what it comes down to is, while it is hard, is the couple working TOGETHER to get through it?

If it is hard because the husband (or wife) doesn't care enough to work on anything......and is not willing to change....then it is not just a normal adjustment of the first year. It's a warning sign.

The writing is on the wall, and the letters are about 20 ft high.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Originally posted by CarolA
I have no desire to raise a husband! (Of course I also have no desire to raise children, so I don't have them LOL!)

I have kids and you still made me laugh--most honest comment yet on huband/child rearing

 

[Lucky4me]

Originally posted by CarolA
Well, this would NOT be my idea of a marriage. (I have no desire to marry a 14 year old) In my experience MOST men do grow up. Apparently yours did not, but.... you have more patience then I do. I have no desire to raise a husband! (Of course I also have no desire to raise children, so I don't have them LOL!)

My first husband was a perpetual 14yo. I was a miserable until I finally exhausted all avenues and left.
I married a grown up after that and have been very happy with him for 10 years now. It's easy being married to someone whose mission in life is making your life easier in any way he is able.

 

[crisi]

Thank God there are women who want to be married to emotional 14 year olds! One of them came along and took my ex off my hands for me. She is emotionally 14, too, and they are very happy together - and I'm happy - so its worked out great!

People used to ask me when I was married to my first when we were having children. I used to say "I don't need to have children, I married one."

 

[FayeW]

Originally posted by CarolA
Well, this would NOT be my idea of a marriage. (I have no desire to marry a 14 year old) In my experience MOST men do grow up. Apparently yours did not, but.... you have more patience then I do. I have no desire to raise a husband! (Of course I also have no desire to raise children, so I don't have them LOL!)

LOL, I had no desire to raise a husband, either. I'm just playing the hand I was dealt. To be fair, he's come a long way in the last few months. It seems to be a regional thing, the part of the country where my husband grew up has this odd trend where the mothers really cater to the boys/men in the family, and the girls do all of the work around the house. I have several friends who are from this area or married men from there, and to a man, they are all the same. It's just how they grew up, being babied. My DH is much better than his father, so we are making progress.

 

[goofydad621]

Okay I gotta open my mouth here being an adult male.

First let me say that I am use to drink but don't anymore. Do not enable him to live off of you, from my own experience you will neer get what you need or deserve. But running to a divorce lawyer may not be the answer. Professional counseling is the way to go, like someone already said if he doesn't want to go go for you, get yourself better. My first wife was not mature and neither was I and looking back now we were almost doomed from the beginning. The first time my present wife told me "this is not right" it was a wake up call, took allot of wake up calls, me getting allot of help, her getting help and me finally growing up but we are hitting our 11th yr anniv. this year (at the wilderness lodge) and I couldn't be happier. Our secret is trying to make sure the other one is happy and not worry about ourselves. It's amazing that when you both try to live that way how easy and happy life can be. That being said, if he is not willing to change and get help YOU need to do what is best for you. I hate to say this and I am sure that it is true for both sexes but some guys really give men a bad name.

Good luck Dave

 

[DiznEeyore]

Originally posted by FayeW
It seems to be a regional thing, the part of the country where my husband grew up has this odd trend where the mothers really cater to the boys/men in the family, and the girls do all of the work around the house. I have several friends who are from this area or married men from there, and to a man, they are all the same. It's just how they grew up, being babied. My DH is much better than his father, so we are making progress.

I don't know about regional ... maybe generational? My mom was that exact way with my dad and brother, which is why I vowed to never marry ... 'til I found out men like my dh exist!

My poor sil has her hands full with my brother -- he's not a "child" but he sure likes to be catered to, LOL!!

And FWIW, I still think that saying "most" men are emotional 14yos is too much of a generalization!! I'm sure most of the men here would agree!

 

[daisax]

I too urge counseling (and amazing amounts of birth control) while you try to figure this out.

That said, as far as people changing goes, if a guy isn't even trying in year ONE, chances are it's downhill from there. This isn't some seven year slump -- they're newlyweds.

As for "til death do you part", at least in my religion, you can get an annulment if one of the partners wasn't truly ready for marriage. Marriage is a sacrament between two people, and if one isn't capable of it, there isn't a marriage.

 

[NotUrsula]

Just FYI, a pattern of repeatedly quitting jobs in anger is usually a red-flag symptom of depression in men, as is irresponsible spending. He needs to see a doctor.

(You can call the dr. in advance and advise them that you suspect depression. They won't discuss it with you, but they will make note of your concerns. Once given a head's up, the dr. will know to ask the proper questions to diagnose it.)

 

[disneymom3]

NotUrsula--I agree, this man sounds depressed to me. The anger being displaces at the job, the "can't handle this anymore" attitude, the no responsibility in money or awareness of bills all scream depression to me.

I would not go with the majority and say ditch him. I would strongly agree that you need to see a counselor together and he may need some antidepressants and counselling of his own.

My first year of marriage didn't seem tough at the time, but I look back at the first couple of years of our marriage now and they were pretty rough. Lots of not understanding who the other person was, their intentions, being not totally honest in who we were. (Not that either of us was lying in any way, just emotionally hiding some insecurities and that type of thing.) In two weeks we are celebrating our 12th anniversary and I can say we have an extraordinary marriage now. It gets better all the time. However, if I had vented on a forum like this in my first year, people would have told me to divorce him too. Talk to your pastor if you have one, get some counseling, call a friend who can give you an unbiased view, but don't make any decisions based on what a group of people who don't know you or your husband advise.

good luck, I will pray for your marriage. I think there is a very good chance that it's worth saving.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Originally posted by FayeW


Here is a big secret: Most men don't really ever grow up. Their effective age averages out to about 14 (hence the preoccupation with sex, sports, and cars!). You need to employ the same tactics with your husbands as you do with your children. AND, you have to let them think everything is their own idea.

I am VERY HAPPY that my DH doesn't fit your description here. It is really sad.

 

[EeyoreJMH]

 

[punkin]

Poor Pneumatic Transit has abandoned this thread. Either we scared her off or it wwas a troll to begin with. Of course it's also possible she took an axe to her husband and is currently in jail.

 

[FayeW]

Originally posted by Tiggerlover91
I am VERY HAPPY that my DH doesn't fit your description here. It is really sad.

Some of you people have no sense of humour.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Originally posted by FayeW
Some of you people have no sense of humour.

Sorry...didn't realize that was meant to be funny.

 

[LoveToDisney]

I didn't take time to read all the posts, so I apologize if this is a duplicate or the situation has changed. I have a friend who was in your situation and lived through 25 years of marriage with a husband who changed jobs constantly, and at one time stayed home unemployed for almost 3 years. He would take every credit app that came in the mail and charge it up until it was full and never pay. He even "bought" a new car and never paid a dime on it. It was hard but she let it be repossessed, thinking it would help him "see the light." Well, the year after their 25th wedding anniversary, he cleaned out their savings, the boy's college fund, and the retirement money he could get and then left her for another woman. Her credit history was ruined and now she's a single mom with 3 teens in college. I wish I had known about Crown Financial early in her marriage because I would have encouraged her to find a church in the nearby area and go through the study. That's what I want to suggest to you. Please consider it. It will help open your husband's eyes to what he is doing both financially but also in the marriage. Rather than continuing down a path that will bring pain, get healing whether with a Crown Financial study or some other marriage or money managment help. Here's the link to the Crown Financial website.

 

[Fridye]

I'm curious to see how long this thread will go on before we hear from the OP. Pneumatic Transit, are you okay?

 

[disneymom3]

Well, folks, I did a search for pneumatic transit and it does not show her as a valid user. Perhaps I am doing something wrong or perhaps she had typers remorse and decided to leave/change her name. Hmmmm...

 

[zurgswife]

She seems to still be around...the last time she posted was on Oct 8th...and made 18 posts after starting this thread....

I also was wondering how someone could post such a personal thread and not repost after all the responses...

 

[RonnoLovesFaline]

many women push a man to the point where he has to drink or whatever to deal with the situation. Instead of blaming the guy 100% of the time, maybe some self-reflection is in order. I'm not trying to be preachy but many women just expect too much and refuse to support their men when the chips are down.