How would you handle this question?

[DISchick]

Last night at "Meet the Teacher" a parent asked me the dreaded question: Do you have children? I replied with my usual answer, "Not yet". The parent went on to ask, "Why not? Are you going to?" To which I replied, "If we're able...." and I walked off quickly to another waiting parent. I hope I didn't seem rude!
I know I'm touchy about this, since we haven't been able to have children in the 5 plus years that we've been trying, despite our best efforts. I just wish I knew a better way to handle this since it seems to happen a LOT.
Any advice out there?
Thanks!
Jill

 

[WebmasterAlex]

"I have 30 children and I love teaching them all"

 

[Aurora63]

I don't think there is an easy way to answer that question. If I were that parent, I might think your response was a little rude, but then, if you ask a rude question, that's the response to expect, right?

I just think it is out of line for anyone to ask why someone doesn't have children unless they are very close to you. It could be a very painful topic! I wouldn't worry about how you responded, and hopefully that parent got the message to not ask that question of anyone in the future!

 

[cindala]

To avoid a definite answer, always answer a question with a question:

Question: Do you have children?

Your response: Why do you ask?

 

[DISchick]

That IS a good reply. I've tried that and it still seems to lead to the question"But do you have any of your own?" and so on.....
Maybe I just need to be more prepared that it will come up and try not to let it bother me.
Thanks Alex!

 

[browneyes]

I don't think you were rude, but I think that parent was!
I think if I was unable to have children and I had been trying, that's exactly what I would tell someone that asked me. I'd phrase it something like "We've been trying, but haven't been blessed yet."

Alex's response is a pretty good response too.

 

[janette]

You weren't rude she was. Hopefully she realized she'd overstepped. It is probably a common question to ask a teacher, although I'm not sure what it has to do with school

The only suggestion I can think of is maybe just answer with a simple "No". "Not yet" leaves it a little more open for additional questions. There will still be some people that keep going if you say "No" but then they are the ones who would do it no matter what you say. Maybe combine the "No" with a previous suggestion like "No, but I have 20 new kids every year" so school stays the topic not your personal life. That is what meet the teacher is for isn't it

 

[Dan Murphy]

Jill, having listened to those same questions for 6 years, before we became adoptive parents, I most often thought that the one asking the question really meant no harm by it, usually just a conversational type question, but due to the circumstances, we might become defensive, and probably hurt by it. Not sure how I even used to reply to those, it has been almost 26 years, but I do know how you feel. {{Hugs}} for you and David.

 

[poohandwendy]

I honestly think parents may ask a teacher this question to be friendly. It is sort of an uncomfortable situation, meeting the teacher. And knowing that he/she will spend a great deal of time with your child, it is interesting to know a bit about his/her life, I guess. I don't think it has anything to do with passing any type of judgement if they don't have children but maybe a 'getting to know you' kind of thing.

I think I would say, "Do you know that is the second most often asked question I get from parents?" This usually will divert people to ask what the 1st most often asked question is... that part is up to you...but it is a really good way to steer a conversation away from the current unwanted questioning...If you don't think that one will work you can say... "do you know how many people ask me that?" Always answer an uncomfortable question with a question of your own.

***I use this tactic sometimes when people meet my kids and see that my eldest daughter is a teen and then ask how old I was when I had her (with strangers, I find it sort of intrusive)...I tell them the most asked question I get is "Is your hair naturally red"..9 times out of 10, the conversation is steered to a more comfortable topic.****

 

[FreshTressa]

I really like what browneyes says. Then follow it with a change of topic. I think they will get that their question was a bit personal for you. "we haven't been blessed yet......Have you tried the peanut butter cookies yet?" I think that will keep them from pursuing the painful subject.

I don't really think it is a rude question.......most people just say things like that to get you to talk....kind of conversation starters and don't have malicious motives in asking them. If something.....anything...about you is different, people are naturally curious. And sometimes they just don't know what else to talk about. Try to be a little patient with people's intrusive questions. I don't think it is rude or unfair to change the topic. Then, if they don't get the hint, it IS kind of rude!

 

[shortbun]

Hi- I became a mom at age 34 through the miracle of adoption.
Not one person(unless you count my nagging FIL but that's another subject) asked DH or I about why we weren't parents.
Lucky I guess. I wonder if a parent asking a teacher is more a
means of getting to know you and your feelings about children.
DS's K and 1 teacher were not parents and I didn't care but I
did hear other parents wonder out loud about their abillity to
understand the sensitive and emotional needs of a child without
being a parent. Wasn't something I worried about or thought was valid in these cases as I spent lots of time with both teachers. Many parents only have a few snippets of time with
teachers who spend 6-8 hours a day with their children. I don't consider it rude to want to know more about that person and their feelings about parenting. Just fact finding. Perhaps you could come up with an answer to address that issue without
compromising your private life too much.
mimi

 

[mckryan]

Originally posted by DISchick
Last night at "Meet the Teacher" a parent asked me the dreaded question: Do you have children? I replied with my usual answer, "Not yet". The parent went on to ask, "Why not? Are you going to?" To which I replied, "If we're able...." and I walked off quickly to another waiting parent. I hope I didn't seem rude!
I know I'm touchy about this, since we haven't been able to have children in the 5 plus years that we've been trying, despite our best efforts. I just wish I knew a better way to handle this since it seems to happen a LOT.
Any advice out there?
Thanks!
Jill

As someone that's dealing with secondary infertility, depending on my mood, I would reply with the following:

I'm dealing with infertility. The other day my husband went to the clinic to leave a sperm sample. His motility was XX, and there were XX per million deformed sperm. We've done IUI and IVF. I've had an HSG and a lap. So, what's your husband's sperm count?

Really, this is just as bad as walking up to someone you don't know and asking when their baby is due. How many people do you see out and about that look like they may be pregnant but aren't? I'm sure the parent was trying to make conversation, but it's better not to ask personal questions like that unless the information is offered up by the person. The better question from the parent would have been "How long have you been teaching?" or "Where did you go to college." The teacher is a teacher, not your friend.

Christa

 

[DisneyCP2002]

This question and the question why am I not married yet are the ones I get all the time. I tell people that God hasn't blessed me with the right man yet and once he's found I'm sure we'll be blessed with children if it's in the cards. I keep telling myself that if the right man doesn't happen I'll adopt but I haven't the guts to tell anyone that yet. Most parents just ask that because they feel that they should know more about you.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

How about answering
"No I don't really like children"

 

[DISchick]

I absolutely understand why parents would like to know if I have children. I don't think it is rude for them to want to know more about me. I just wish they would accept a simple "no" and not go on to ask the why and when questions. Oh, well, people are people and they will continue to ask. Thanks for all the great suggestions on how to deal.

Alex--Too funny! I wonder if I could get away with that.....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think the plain and simple "No" followed with the "does your dd/ds have any siblings, have you seen the note on the board, think of something to change the subject etc..."
This is a good strategy in most situations, for lots of personal questions that you do not have to answer.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

How about
"I did but then youth services got involved"
"I always regretted that. The operation was able to make me look like a female but I can't bear children"
"My husband is a polygamist, wife number 3 just had a baby so I'm next"
"No I prefer pizza"
"I would but I'm a bit scared, my rottweiller has this tendency to just attack"
"I'm waiting till we settle down, we have an open marrige and I want to make sure I know who the father is"

 

[KathyTX]

"Do you have children?": Not rude at all. Possible answers are yes, no, or to elaborate with as much information as you want to share.

"Why not?": Chutzpah, bad manners, none of their business! The only response I can even imagine is to meet this question with silence and a "look", and hope this gives the questioner an uncomfortable moment to realize their probe was inappropriate, then continue on to the next topic or person...

 

[phillybeth]

I HATE this question. Anyone dealing with infertility has enough pain besides having to answer to nosy people. When I get asked, I just say "It's in God's hands." I'm not particularly religious, but it freezes most people right out.
Funny story from my last trip to the World. DH and I are sitting on the curb on Main St waiting for Spectomagic to start. We start a conversation with the family next to us, mother, father, and 5 year old triplets, 2 girls and a boy. The mother and I have having a nice chat, when the little boy looks at me and says, "Where are your kids?" I don't mind this question from children, so I answer, "I don't have any kids." "Why not?" Getting into sticky ground, I answer "Because God hasn't sent me any yet." And the sweet faced little boy replies "THAT'S not how you get a baby! The daddy sticks his peenie in the mommy's 'gina and you only do that when you're married and THAT'S how you have a baby!" I thought his parents wanted to die, but at least he had the facts right!

 

[DISshopkeeper]

Originally posted by KathyTX
"Do you have children?": Not rude at all. Possible answers are yes, no, or to elaborate with as much information as you want to share.

"Why not?": Chutzpah, bad manners, none of their business! The only response I can even imagine is to meet this question with silence and a "look", and hope this gives the questioner an uncomfortable moment to realize their probe was inappropriate, then continue on to the next topic or person...

My sentiments EXACTLY. Agreeing with you AGAIN, Kathy.

Phillybeth: LOL!! That's a GREAT story!!