How would you feel?

[cantthinkofaname26]

I created a new user name for privacy asking this question.

First let me say that I use a wheelchair to get around.

A few years ago, my mom and I were at the mall. This was around Christmas. We ran into my sister and her then boyfriend (now husband). This was the second or third time that I saw him in my life. Altogether, I don't think I had talked to him more than an hour.

So we decided to eat together, and he sits next to me. All of us are having a good time, talking and laughing. Then he turns to me and says "I'm going to give you money for a gift to your sister" (his girlfriend). I was really taken aback by this, and told him the only thing that came to my mind "Are you having trouble thinking of a gift for her, and you want me to help you buy it?"

He starts laughing and says "NO! I'm going to give you money for you to buy YOUR gift yo her! (I actually don't remember if he said "Give you money for you to bye your gift to her" or "give you money so you can buy a gift to her". Anyway, the point was that he would give me the money for that).

Let me tell you, that made me feel awful...it ruined my day. My entire life, I have managed to by gifts for my sister. Some nicer than others, depending on circumstances. But they are always thoughtful gifts, given with love.

Why did this guy think I'd take his money? (actually, I think it's obvious). How would you feel?

 

[DrunkJam]

I would feel horrible.
In fact, I really don't understand the reasoning. I mean, I can guess at the reasoning, but, it seems like a really strange offer.
I would offer this to someone I knew REALLY WELL, if I *knew* it would be helpful, and if I *knew* the person would be OK with it.
it's a really odd thing to do if you don't know someone well. REALLY, REALLY well.

 

[lanejudy]

It's a very odd situation. But to answer your question... it would make me think that my sister had complained to her boyfriend about the gifts I had given in the past. Whether he and the sister had discussed this "solution" or it was his own doing, can't know without asking.

However, I would not have let it fester for "several years" unless it seems to be a recurring issue. And if it's recurring, I would have long ago asked him "what makes you think I need money from you to buy my sister a gift? I have my own money." And I would have talked to my sister about giving and receiving with love, rather than monetary value.

Good luck with the upcoming gift-giving season. I hope attitudes have adjusted over the years and everyone can now be appreciative of each other.

 

[HarleenQ]

I don't know. I would have asked him in the moment "why?" - if you are not in the best financial situation he could definitely think he's being nice and helpful. If your sister is materialistic, I guess she could have complained about the quality of your gifts.

You'll never know since you didn't ask, and if it's bothering you after this long it sounds like you might benefit from some counseling. I don't feel that's a normal response. Has he ever done it again? If not, there was obviously a specific reason for it.

 

[cantthinkofaname26]

Thank you everyone for your replies. And thank you DrunkJam for understanding, and I agree completely with you. It was really odd, and not something you say to someone you barely know.

I want to say I'm absolutely sure that my sister did not complain, so, that's not it. And you're right that I should have asked why he wanted to do it. It's just that I was left speechless and just firmly said "NO"

I asked here because I never discussed it with anyone, and I thought that It'd find people would understand.

My situation with him is that he can be quite patronizing sometimes and even...I don't know if I should share this. For my sister's birthday, they had a reunion. They had friends over and the living room is small I had no other place to park my wheelchair except in front of their bedroom. I wasn't blocking it, there was space behind me. So, he comes in a hurry towards me, grabs the arm of my wheelchair and pushes it aside without saying "excuse me" or even looking at me, like he was moving a piece of furniture. And yes, it made me feel bad, and embarrassed in front of their friends. I know I should have said something, but I'm not used to confrontation

 

[Francis Head]

I'm a paraplegic. You should work on your healthy confrontation skills. Yes, this was odd. You just have to learn to be assertive. Ask why! You can do it nicely, but don't let this rent space in your head. He probably didn't mean to be offensive. He may not even remember it. Stand up for yourself because you do matter. Don't allow your disability to make you think you are less than anyone else. On top of it all...find something to enjoy and let that negative stuff go. You're worth it.