How would you feel?

[KandD]

so my DH has recently got a new job(which is AWESOME since he was laid off for a while). it's 12 hour shifts, but it's only a few days on, a few days off, and so on.

i have had two jobs for a few months now. both office-type jobs which are monday-friday 9-5(i haven't actually worked a weekend in over a year).

this morning DH apparently got a phone call from his DB asking if he wanted to go out to dinner later tonight. DH told him he had to work, and then that was the end of the conversation.

my DMIL came by later while DH was still at work, and dropped off some soup and breadsticks that she got from the restaurant they went to. she goes on to tell me that most of the family was actually there, except for DFIL who was tired.

she left and i couldn't help but feel kind of left out. i'll cut my DMIL some slack, since she's not always all ~there~ and i'll even cut out DH's one aunt who went because she probably didn't even know who was going until she got there.

but neither DBIL nor DSIL thought to ask me? they knew about it all day, they knew i'd be sitting at home by myself until DH got home at 7, and they both had my phone number.

i told DH and he was pretty upset too, he brought up the situation of "if we have kids and the family goes and does something together and i'm at work, are they just not going to call you and invite you???"

would it upset you? because i actually am upset about it. i've had some issues with this DSIL in the past....so i can't help but think maybe it was done on purpose, not calling me and asking if i'd like to come along.

i mean, like i said, i'll let it slide from DMIL and DH's aunt....but 4 out of 4 people didn't think to ask their DDIL/DSIL if she wanted to go out to dinner with them??

So was your husband under the impression that it was just DBIL and him going out to dinner? And you did not find out until your DMIL stopped by that actually everyone in the family was going? If that is the case I can see why you were hurt but it may have just been miscommunication on everyone's part.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

ummm...why didn't your husband say that you could go? Couldn't the family have assumed that since he didn't mention it, that you weren't available? My in-laws would never turn around and call me after having just talked to my husband. That would be HIS place to talk to me, not theirs.

Now if DH said I was available to go, and they said no thank you...then we'd have an issue

Yes I agree. Why didnt your DH tell your family that even though he couldn't go, he would ask you? Since you heard the conversation why didn't you ask about it?
I think I would be upset with my DH. How does the rest of the family know that he didn't ask you. They might have just assumed that he did. The question is ifyou had answered the phone would they have asked you?

 

[dzorn]

I's a communications failure on ILs and DH part.

I would have commented to DMIL that "sorry I missed it I wish someone would have let me know."

I would have also let DH know the same thing.

Hopefully someone will communicate better next time.

Denise in MI

 

[jwhtewolfd]

In reading others' thoughts, I wanted to add a little to my original comments. My would-have-been inlaws were pretty good people, and I would see them without DF.

Here's what would happen if DF's mother, aunt and SIL told DF's brother to call and invite both of us to dinner that night with all of them:
brother: hey bro, what's up?
DF: chillin', what's up?
brother: you want to go to dinner tonight?
DF: nah, man, I gotta work.
brother: ok, cool. talk to you later.

Maybe that's what happened when the brothers spoke, but, knowing how "thoroughly" these brothers communicate, IN MY CASE there would have been a second phone call from DF's mom to me:

Mil: DF's brother said ya'll wouldn't be able to make it to dinner with all of us.
Me: What? what dinner? when? with who?
Mil: So and so and I are going to dinner tonight at such and such place at such and such time.
Me: Oh, well that's not what DF said. He made it sound like his brother wanted to grab a burger and beer.
Mil: Yes, I know. That's why I'M calling and asking YOU.
Me: Well, he is going to be busy, but I'll be available.
Mil: Ok, see you then.

Perhaps there was miscommunication, but in my experience, there would have been a second phone call. Unless they didn't really want me there.

Maybe they were relieved when they heard the "no" answer, and didn't persue it with you personally b/c the SIL was already included, and they knew it would be an awkward situation. In that case, I still wouldn't want to be there. See the three that you do get along with at another time, without the SIL.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

I think that you are making a bigger deal of this than it really is. I'm not flaming you, I'm just trying to give a different perspective. Perhaps they thought that since your DH couldn't go, you wouldn't want/be available to go either. I agree that probably your previous issues with your SIL are contributing to your feelings. And if you have had issues with her, would you really want to go out to eat with her WITHOUT your DH? That would be like me going over to see or going out with my DH's aunt. She doesn't like me. Never has, never will.

FWIW, I probably wouldn't go out with my DH's family without him. To me, it would be kinda awkward. I guess I'm old fashioned in thinking that we are a package deal. Of course, none of them ever have gatherings unless we initiate and host it, so the point is kinda moot anyway.

i actually DO get along with the rest of his family, aside from the DSIL. they've invited DSIL along to things when her DH(my DBIL) was working or unavaliable.

i don't think i'd ever feel awkward around my DMIL or DH's aunt, because we all get along really well. we all actually shared a cabin at Disney when we vacationed together with his family!

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

I have to say that I agree with NMAmy. A couple weeks ago we were invited to a graduation party. The girls and I were going to be at girl scout camp, so would not be able to attend. But I did ask DH if he would like to go. He said he would. I am sure my DH would not expect them to call him after I said I was not available.

It would have been nice if the family had asked your DH if you would like to come without him, but it would also have been nice if your DH has made the suggestion to them, and to you.

You could also have called back and told them you would like to come without your DH. I wouldn't hesitate to do that in this situation with family.

Just trying to give you another perspective.

i didn't even know about the dinner until DMIL came to my house after they had all gone. DH works 12 hour shifts at his job, and it's rare that he can even get to his phone at all during the day(which i'm surprised he even got to talk to his DB.). that's the only reason i'm not really blaming him for the situation, considering he probably thought they would have asked me, since it's actually quite common in his family to invite the whatever-in-laws along even if their actual family members can't go.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

So was your husband under the impression that it was just DBIL and him going out to dinner? And you did not find out until your DMIL stopped by that actually everyone in the family was going? If that is the case I can see why you were hurt but it may have just been miscommunication on everyone's part.

my DBIL had asked and mentioned that the "family" was going.

i didn't find out until afterwards because my husband works 12 hour shifts and it's very rare that he can get to his phone(which i'm surprised he even got to talk to his brother) so i didn't know anything until DMIL showed up at my door later that night. DH still hadn't even come home from work yet.

 

[wdwfan16]

so my DH has recently got a new job(which is AWESOME since he was laid off for a while). it's 12 hour shifts, but it's only a few days on, a few days off, and so on.

i have had two jobs for a few months now. both office-type jobs which are monday-friday 9-5(i haven't actually worked a weekend in over a year).

this morning DH apparently got a phone call from his DB asking if he wanted to go out to dinner later tonight. DH told him he had to work, and then that was the end of the conversation.

my DMIL came by later while DH was still at work, and dropped off some soup and breadsticks that she got from the restaurant they went to. she goes on to tell me that most of the family was actually there, except for DFIL who was tired.

she left and i couldn't help but feel kind of left out. i'll cut my DMIL some slack, since she's not always all ~there~ and i'll even cut out DH's one aunt who went because she probably didn't even know who was going until she got there.

but neither DBIL nor DSIL thought to ask me? they knew about it all day, they knew i'd be sitting at home by myself until DH got home at 7, and they both had my phone number.

i told DH and he was pretty upset too, he brought up the situation of "if we have kids and the family goes and does something together and i'm at work, are they just not going to call you and invite you???"

would it upset you? because i actually am upset about it. i've had some issues with this DSIL in the past....so i can't help but think maybe it was done on purpose, not calling me and asking if i'd like to come along.

i mean, like i said, i'll let it slide from DMIL and DH's aunt....but 4 out of 4 people didn't think to ask their DDIL/DSIL if she wanted to go out to dinner with them??

]

I would not be miffed but glad I did not go. Who wants to be with all ILs and have their DH at work?

What stopped you from asking a person you know to go out to dinner?

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

In reading others' thoughts, I wanted to add a little to my original comments. My would-have-been inlaws were pretty good people, and I would see them without DF.

Here's what would happen if DF's mother, aunt and SIL told DF's brother to call and invite both of us to dinner that night with all of them:
brother: hey bro, what's up?
DF: chillin', what's up?
brother: you want to go to dinner tonight?
DF: nah, man, I gotta work.
brother: ok, cool. talk to you later.

Maybe that's what happened when the brothers spoke, but, knowing how "thoroughly" these brothers communicate, IN MY CASE there would have been a second phone call from DF's mom to me:

Mil: DF's brother said ya'll wouldn't be able to make it to dinner with all of us.
Me: What? what dinner? when? with who?
Mil: So and so and I are going to dinner tonight at such and such place at such and such time.
Me: Oh, well that's not what DF said. He made it sound like his brother wanted to grab a burger and beer.
Mil: Yes, I know. That's why I'M calling and asking YOU.
Me: Well, he is going to be busy, but I'll be available.
Mil: Ok, see you then.

Perhaps there was miscommunication, but in my experience, there would have been a second phone call. Unless they didn't really want me there.

Maybe they were relieved when they heard the "no" answer, and didn't persue it with you personally b/c the SIL was already included, and they knew it would be an awkward situation. In that case, I still wouldn't want to be there. See the three that you do get along with at another time, without the SIL.

that actually sounds really similar to how DH's family is. because i know they've asked my DSIL along to things when DBIL was unavaliable.

usually his aunt, if she knows who is going, will call me up seperatly if DH tells someone else that we're not able to go. she'll call and make sure.

but sometimes she doesn't know who's all going until she shows up. and that's what i assumed happened in this case.

 

[Pigeon]

I'd be thrilled.

I'm not hostile with my BILs and SILs, but really wouldn't voluntarily opt to spend time with most of them.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

]

I would not be miffed but glad I did not go. Who wants to be with all ILs and have their DH at work?

What stopped you from asking a person you know to go out to dinner?

because i DO get along with the rest of them, it's only the DSIL that i've had a problem with in the past.

i didn't even know about the dinner until DMIL came to my house afterwards to drop food off and she told me about it. DH wasn't even home from work yet.

 

[NHdisneylover]

i actually DO get along with the rest of his family, aside from the DSIL. they've invited DSIL along to things when her DH(my DBIL) was working or unavaliable.

i don't think i'd ever feel awkward around my DMIL or DH's aunt, because we all get along really well. we all actually shared a cabin at Disney when we vacationed together with his family!

Do they always call her seperatley, or is her husband just better at communicating with her baout these things

that actually sounds really similar to how DH's family is. because i know they've asked my DSIL along to things when DBIL was unavaliable.

usually his aunt, if she knows who is going, will call me up seperatly if DH tells someone else that we're not able to go. she'll call and make sure.

but sometimes she doesn't know who's all going until she shows up. and that's what i assumed happened in this case.

Personally i find it odd that the aunt has to do this at all. Your DH needs to get better at passing this info on to you--I would only be hurt by his not taking my feelings into account and doing so. It sounds like the aunt is really nice to go out of her way to call you often AND that the family generally tries ton include you and even that the brother was clear with your DH that it was a family event. I really don't see any valid reason for being upset with the in laws. Sorry.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Do they always call her seperatley, or is her husband just better at communicating with her baout these things

Personally i find it odd that the aunt has to do this at all. Your DH needs to get better at passing this info on to you--I would only be hurt by his not taking my feelings into account and doing so. It sounds like the aunt is really nice to go out of her way to call you often AND that the family generally tries ton include you and even that the brother was clear with your DH that it was a family event. I really don't see any valid reason for being upset with the in laws. Sorry.

lol no, her husband is along the lines of my DMIL, he's kind of oblivious to things(life in general, is more like it lol but i still get along with him just great), so DSIL is the one who usually knows all of the plans and things like that.

his aunt is just family oriented and loves when the family gets together. and i think that's why, if she knows ahead of time, she'll call up people and see if they want to come so no one feels left out.

as i said, DH works 12 hour shifts and he can rarely get to his phone. i'm really not about to blame him for the entire situation.

 

[LuvLDM]

I think you are overreacting. It was nice of your MIL to bring you food.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I think you are overreacting. It was nice of your MIL to bring you food.

Agreed.

 

[Ceila]

I think you are overreacting. It was nice of your MIL to bring you food.

I agree with this as well. Unless leaving you out is/becomes a regular thing, I wouldn't get too upset over it.

I still really think your husband should have reminded his brother to give you a call since he knew you'd be available.

And maybe the other family members all thought it was taken care of - one of those situations where everybody thinks someone else called you, which results in nobody calling you. Or perhaps they thought your husband would either tell you about it or that he would have mentioned something to his brother if he knew you wanted to come.

 

[ZachnElli]

I have been dealing with this type of situation with my dh's family for over 20 years. I have learned to not let it upset me anymore. It used to really upset me a lot when I would learn of things I ( or we) were left out of. But now not so much.
It is just not worth the mental energy.

Here is an example of one situation that happened here.
My BIL and SIL ( it is hubby's brother ) live up the road from us. Walking distance.
a couple years ago our other BIL and SIL ( one of my hubby's other brothers) were visiting here from Florida. They were staying up the road at BIL's home. We didn't know. They didn't even let us know there were here. No one did.

I found out because I ran into the local grocery store for something and there was my BIL from Florida picking up something. Then it all came out.
So yep I understand fully.

Yup, same here, married 18 years and 3 kids. They won't change. And quite frankly, I no longer care. I did for at least 5 years, maybe 7 or 8 years even, and it upset me alot. But, they don't want me or us there, then so be it. They got together this weekend, darn that facebook and my neices posting it , and they never even called my husband, their brother/son. Whatever.

 

[NHdisneylover]

as i said, DH works 12 hour shifts and he can rarely get to his phone. i'm really not about to blame him for the entire situation.

I get that your husband works long hours and hard days. Really, I know what that is like. Mine travels about 40 weeks a year, so he is not even in the same country as I am when we are making plans for anything--and he works 10-14 hours per day when on the road. None the less, he knows that the vast majority of people would only call/email ONE member of a social unit with an invitation. So, he either passes it on to me OR lets the person doing the inviting know that I may be interested and asks them to "do him the favour" of contacting me directly as he is at work and cannot take the time. Over the years more and more people have started going directly through me for invites anyway--as they learn that I am more accessible, more likely to know everyone's sechedules, etc., but not everyone does (why should THEY know how we set up our lives, even if they are family). Basically we see it as our job to find a way to communicate our social calendars to each other and do not see it is the responsibility of others to know we are busy and make an effort to fill in communication lines normally held by the couple.

All of that does NOT mean I think you should be ticked off at your husband. I just think it is really silly to be ticked off (or hurt) at anyone else. Your husband received the invite, he was busy and did not pass it along to you, your DMiL was so kind as to realize once at dinner that this may have happened and bring you food anyway. Wow what a great mother in law. Thank her, shrug off the lonely night and nicely ask/remind your DH to try to remember to pass invites along to you in time for you to join in.

 

[NMAmy]

All of that does NOT mean I think you should be ticked off at your husband. I just think it is really silly to be ticked off (or hurt) at anyone else. Your husband received the invite, he was busy and did not pass it along to you, your DMiL was so kind as to realize once at dinner that this may have happened and bring you food anyway. Wow what a great mother in law. Thank her, shrug off the lonely night and ask nicely remind your DH to try to remember to pass invites along to you in time for you to join in.

I really agree with NHdisneylover.

OP, I mean this kindly so please don't take it as being rude. It seems as though you're really quite determined to lay this at your SIL's door. Granted, you know her and we don't, so you may be spot on that she somehow instigated this. But isn't it better to give her the benefit of the doubt, especially since so many posters here have said that they'd expect a husband or wife to pass the invitation on to their spouse instead of expecting the IL's to make a separate call?

I mean, you can either be happy and give them the benefit of the doubt or you can be unhappy and believe that they intentionally left you out. Since you'll probably never know exactly what happened, which would you rather be?

 

[Carly_Roach]

I think you are overreacting. It was nice of your MIL to bring you food.

I also agree with this.

However,

because i DO get along with the rest of them, it's only the DSIL that i've had a problem with in the past.

i didn't even know about the dinner until DMIL came to my house afterwards to drop food off and she told me about it. DH wasn't even home from work yet.

If you're this upset about not being invited to a dinner that your DH already said no to, I have to wonder if your relationship with your in-laws (except for DSIL) is as rosy as you think it is. Perhaps they wanted a meal together without the drama?

I have a cousin who's DW is someone who makes it all about her, drama-queens her way through any conversation she happens to join, and if we try to change the subject she eventually turns it back into the "All About Stacy's Life Show, Aren't I So Interesting?" in short order.

We all put up with her and we're nice to her face and all because we love him and don't want him to feel that he can't show up at our functions because of his wife. But I can tell you that if he turned down an invitation, we sure as heck aren't going to go out of our way to invite Ms. "all about me" by herself to ruin our pleasant evening out.

She thinks she gets along with all of us, too, but none of us really want her around.

I'm not accusing you of being like my cousin's wife, but could it be possible (based on your proclivity to blame the SIL for all your troubles) that they simply didn't want to deal with the drama that evening?

I say to cut your losses, get over it, and be happy that you didn't have to spend an evening with people who didn't want you there.