How to steer DH away from "semi" toxic friend?

[Tink522]

DH has a friend that he's been best friends with for about 14 years now. The other day his friend called to tell him that they'd just purchased a house. DH congratulates him. His "best friend" then says, "Yes, I told wife when we were looking that we had to buy a house bigger than yours". Dh made a sarcastic comment and changed the subject. This couple is very jealous of what others have and live beyond thier means. They have been married 4 years, DH and I just got married (almost 6 1/2 months ago!). I don't feel like we are at the same place in our lives/marriages, plus I am not a "I have to be better than so and so" type person. The only bright side I see is that when we got married DH moved about an hour away to where I live. He also now works here and no longer has to commute.

So I guess what I'm getting at is should I steer him away or should I just let it go and let him continue his friendship (we only see them about once every 2/3 months)?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't know.

Was your hubby upset by the comment?

 

[Cindy's Mom]

DH has a friend that he's been best friends with for about 14 years now. The other day his friend called to tell him that they'd just purchased a house. DH congratulates him. His "best friend" then says, "Yes, I told wife when we were looking that we had to buy a house bigger than yours". Dh made a sarcastic comment and changed the subject. This couple is very jealous of what others have and live beyond thier means. They have been married 4 years, DH and I just got married (almost 6 1/2 months ago!). I don't feel like we are at the same place in our lives/marriages, plus I am not a "I have to be better than so and so" type person. The only bright side I see is that when we got married DH moved about an hour away to where I live. He also now works here and no longer has to commute.

So I guess what I'm getting at is should I steer him away or should I just let it go and let him continue his friendship (we only see them about once every 2/3 months)?

Sounds juvenille. Is the worst thing that this friend has done? how does that qualifies him as semi-toxic; I wouldn't even give this guy a second thought.

DH and him have been friends for 14 years. You and DH have only been married for 6.5 months and now you want to start "steering" him away from friends? I see trouble up ahead....

 

[SC Minnie]

Let it go.

Some people are just jealous. There is nothing you can do about it.

 

[kdibattista]

I think you need to stay out of it... not worth it. Just conveniently have "other plans" when they want to get together.

 

[Laugh O. Grams]

I don't know.

Was your hubby upset by the comment?

As a guy, I certainly wouldn't be. It sounds like a typical "guy joke" that any of my 30-something friends tell. I think that sometimes women don't get the male sense of humor. If it wasn't for constant putdowns and sports what would we guys talk about?!?!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Perhaps he was messing around, being sarcastic, joking. We say that to friends and friends say that to us over different things. It's no big deal, it's all in fun.

 

[PolyHereWeCome]

Sorry, but I don't think it's your place to "let him continue his friendship" with his best male friend of 14-years. Sounds like the best you can do is not actively make plans for the four of you (wives and husbands) to get together.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

That's an example of either the friend having a poor sense of humor, your DH taking the comment wrong when the friend was joking, or the friend being jealous of others. I don't see how that comment is an example of the friend being semi-toxic. Is there more to it? If not, I wouldn't worry about it. They don't even see each other very often, so it won't be an issue.

 

[mossy1]

As a previous poster had pointed out, your husband has been friends with the guy for a long time. Perhaps it is better to pick your battles with a little more self control. Marriage is a marathon rather than a sprint.

 

[ohiominnie]

Your dh is an adult, right? And the friend isn't convincing him to do anything illegal or immoral, right? He needs to choose his own friends. He's a big boy. And if you try to steer him away from a friend he's been friends with for 14 yrs, you'll end up being the bad wife.

We had a GREAT friend. He went to undergrad school with dh and I. He went to the same medical school as dh. He went through the same residency program as dh. Dh and I were married at the time and we'd have him over fairly regularly for dinner and entertainment. He is the godfather of our dd. He'd babysit her on occasion. Then he found a girl and eventually got engaged. DFiance seemed nice and did things with us regularly. We were really happy for him. Then he got married. As if a switch clicked, he no longer called. No longer came over. No longer sent our dd birthday cards. He didn't return calls. He didn't return emails. If we did bump into him and tried to make plans it was always something like "oh, I can't do it that night, we're getting together with Shelley's friends."

We haven't heard from him personally in about 3 years......only heard it through the grapevine that he and his wife adopted a son and that he has some sort of chronic condition and had to give up his pediatric practice. Occasionally I will send a letter and some pictures of the kids, just to say hi, but I really wonder if he ever gets them.

Let it go. Dh's friend may be a jerk for making the comment, but that is between the two of them......IMHO.

 

[Micca]

Just another case of trying to keep up with the Tinks

 

[Cool-Beans]

Yeah, guys love it when you tell them how to live their lives, especially who they can and can't be friends with. That'd be a GREAT thing for your marriage. No, wait, they HATE that!

"Let him continue..." What are you, his mother?

Leave it alone! Let it be! Stay out of it!

That's my advice.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

ohiominnie, that's really sad!

 

[Disney Doll]

If you wouldn't want him to tell you who to be friends with, then I suggest you not tell him who to be friends with.

If this friend's behavior continues to bother him, then he'll figure it out himself and handle it. He's a big boy and you aren't his mother.

DH has a friend whose wife is sort of like that. They're great people and great friends, and we are their daughter's godparents, but if we get something, she has to get something more expensive. When we moved into our house, we got a new dining room hanging light. I think we spent $300 on it, so she had to buy one that was $350. I just sort of consider it her issue and don't pay much attention to it.

DH & I do what we do because we want to do it, not to keep up with or top anyone else. What other people choose to do is their problem.

 

[Hercules10]

DH and him have been friends for 14 years. You and DH have only been married for 6.5 months and now you want to start "steering" him away from friends? I see trouble up ahead....

 

[Crankyshank]

You're his wife, not his Mother. Why on earth should he throw away a friendship of 14yrs because his wife doesn't like a comment he made?
If you don't like the guy that's fine, don't go out with him. But don't alienate your husband from his friends just because you disapprove. He's not doing anything illegal or compromising your husband's safety is he?

 

[dennis99ss]

Divorce lawyers dream. New wife telling new husband that his best friend is "toxic" and that he shouldn't talk see hand with him.

now, if dh is out every night, etc. with friend thats different, but in this case, either there is something else there, or, you are a control nut/freak/etc.

 

[JoyG]

My husband has a cousin like that...I can't stop them from trying to "one up" each other...but I refuse to play.

I really don't understand why dh wants to talk to his cousin everyday, but since I don't have to participate in the conversations I don't let it get to me. This cousin lives out of town and we don't see each other very often.

Here's an example of one conversation starter from the cousin's conversation, "I'm sitting here in my new Lexus truck and I wanted to call you to talk to you about my brother's fiance..."

If you are calling about your brother's fiance...how does the new Lexus truck work it's way into the conversation? .

On the few occasions I have been around dh's cousin I refuse to acknowledge any reference's to his material possessions. I just pretend I don't hear it...and I don't talk about what we have either.

I also don't listen to dh on the phone with his cousin because his behavior is also juevenile. It's like his cousin brings out the worst in him. Men!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Instead of "steering him away", I would work on being a stronger person to handle comments like that.

You don't fight someone else's insecurity with your insecurity. You straighten up and pity someone who has to live that! If I had to live comparing myself to everyone, I would be insane. Replace your irritation with pity. It works!