How to Respond to Questions?Comments about Scars?

[vhoffman]

I have had numerous surgeries over the years and have multiple surgical scars, on my knees, upper thighs, arms and hands. I try to dress to cover the scars whenever practical, however, it isn't always comfortable to go around all covered up. My scars are all quite old, and, in my opinion, barely even visable. Certainly not something one would expect to attract a crowd!

However, unfortunately that's often not the case. I've had comments and stares about my scars for many years. The advice to "just ignore" such people doesn't always work. I've tried ignoring such comments and such people just hang right on, asking, sometimes even blocking my path, literally getting right in my face and demanding acknowledgement. Whenever possible I try to just walk away, however, the situation doesn't always allow it. We're going to Hawaii in a few weeks and I dearly want to be able to go swimming, wear shorts, and in general enjoy the islands like everyone else. However, just last week I was at the grocery store, wearing to-the-knee length shorts (it was 95+degrees!), and a clerk in the store literally rushed over and started commenting on my barely visable scars. It was all but impossible to get away from her! Talk about making me self-conscious, let alone how it made my children feel! This nosey clerk kept asking what kind of surgery I had had, because she was considering knee surgery and wanted to get some "advice". Why didn't she ask her doctor, I'm not there to dispense medical advice! Finally, I looked squarely at her and said "surgery of any type leaves scars. Beyond a certain point, there's nothing that can be done about the scars. If you're considering any type of surgery you need to consider how you'll cope with the unwanted stares and comments the scars will generate. You need to decide if the relief from pain and improved function are worth the stares and comments. Of course, you could always opt to wear pants and long sleeves in hundred degree heat. Its all something you should consider before opting for any surgery. Now, please, if you don't mind, I really have my shopping to complete". As I walked away I saw her reflection in a glass door. She looked absolutely outraged! As I went through the checkout line she met me again and told me she thought I was being extremely rude to her, she was just trying to be "nice" to me! Of course, it goes without saying I got her name and have written a complaint to the supermarkt headquarters. why should I be literally harassed while shopping because of a disability?

However, getting back to my upcoming vacation to Hawaii. I'm really anxious to even attempt to go into pools, wear shorts, etc., for fear of some dolt making an issue of my almost non-visable scars. What to do when you're laying on a beach chair, or sitting in a restaurant, and some idiot comes right up to you and starts grilling you all about your "boo boos"? Believe me, I've had many such experiences. How do you get rid of such people? There are some people out there who seem to think its their God-given right to know all about it, regardless of what you say. Telling them you don't want to discuss it invites discussion about why you don't want to discuss it!

Well, I am going to Hawaii and I am going to enjoy myself. I tell myself I'd look a darned site more "weird" walking around in the tropics (or even here in Houston) all bundled up in the heat so people won't have to see a scar! However, just curious, how have others handled such rudeness? Just would like to share some stories!

 

[Cheshire Figment]

You can always make up and rehearse a story about how you got pushed into a large piece of machinery and that is the best they were able to put you back together. Just make it something very outrageous.

Either that or something to the effect of: "It's none of your (insert choice of expletive here) business and I see no reason to talk to you about it."

 

[Tinker*Shell*Bell]

I am missing 7 fingers,and 4 toes due to a birth defect, the same defect caused me to have multiple surgeries on my leg and hands. Stares are not fun (try being a little kid with these scars.) If it's kids making a big deal I try and tell them what happened and reassure them, if it's adults I tend to be less "helpful." I'll answer a few questions, but in general adults should know that it makes people uncomfortable to be stared at.
The only exception was a woman who was staring and I almost snapped but instead mumblled "I was born this way..." She immediately apologized and said she knew, but it was the first time she had met "someone else." Her daughter has the same birth defect I do and we spent several days talking off and on about my life and her daughter's future.
I know that doesn't really help but I had to share. Stares hurt but every once in a while there is a reason. I think any of us with physical differences develop a thicker skin just to get through daily life.

So WEAR YOUR SHORTS and stare back...ask them if they want a picture....

 

[vhoffman]

I had surgery on my hand in Chicago many years ago. I flew back and forth (lived in Michigan at the time). For my final follow-up visit the doctor removed the cast. Of course, the skin was quite flaky and, in general, gross, as it usually is after being in a cast. Before boarding the plane in Chicago a nosey "lady" spied my hand and plunked herself right down next to me (I've since learned to try not to sit next to an empty seat) and proceeded to just fire away with questions about my hand. I told her I had a rare form of leprosy and was coming to Chicago for treatments. Her jaw just about dropped! Suddenly she just disappeared, and I had a whole section in the plane to myself!

 

[SueM in MN]

Just sending
It's a hard situation to have scars anyplace. My yougest DD has scars on her feet and upper legs from surgery. Also, her feet are mishapen because her cerebral palsy has made some muscles stronger than others. Her scars are usually not visible when she is wearing socks and shoes, but most of her scars are visible when she is wearing a swim suit. I know she doesn't like it when people stare at her - adults have occasionally asked what happened to her. Kids usually accept an explanation of "that's the seam line where she's put together."

 

[Figaro]

Miss Manners says that the way to handle intrusive questions where the questioner has no right to an answer is to say: "I will forgive you for asking such a personal question if you will forgive me for not answering it."

Generally just repeating that over and over and over again (broken record technique) will force people to give up eventually. I always like being able to take the high road because even if the other person is rude it makes me feel better not to be.

Have a wonderful time in Hawaii! Our youngest lives there and we have really loved spending time there with her.

 

[SueM in MN]

Miss Manners says that the way to handle intrusive questions where the questioner has no right to an answer is to say: "I will forgive you for asking such a personal question if you will forgive me for not answering it."

Very good answer.

 

[Snow Brite]

Very good answer.

Oh fine take the high road.

My good friend was attacked by a dog and left with some dramatic scars on her face. It was awful and traumatic and she had NO way to hide them with clothing. She got so many questions from people.

You know those Vegas commercials where the lady is going around using a different name with everyone she meets? Thats what she ended up doing. She has about 25 different AMAZING stories she tells about how she got the scars. Usually the person she tells the story to is left standing there with their mouth hanging open trying to figure out if she is serious long enough for her to get away.

She has one (and I won't get this as detailed or funny as her) but she was hot air ballooning when this sea gull dived at her while she was putting on her makeup and she fell over backwards into the pilot and he fell out of the hot air balloon into the ocean, so she had to land the balloon herself and she crashed on landing into a rocky beach, and thats how she got the scars. She also saved 12 children from a burning building, but when she went back for the family pet cat he freaked out and thats how she got the scars. There is also the time she was going down the Quadruple Black Diamond ski run....Or when she was jet skiing in Mexico during the Olympic trials when pirates came along...Rock climbing in the Andes when a alpaca...

She finds it terribly amusing and it is her way of taking control back of the situation. I have told her to write a book because I have to leave her side when it happens because I start to laugh. Hysterically.

 

[Iggipolka]

I have very visable scars covering both of my arms from my wrists to my shoulders. I absolutely dread the summer, because I know as soon as I wear short sleeves, I'm going to get comments. I used to make up stories (scratched by a rabid cat/mountain lion, fight with an aligator, car accident where I went through the windshield with my arms outstreatched), now I just say "It's a long story" and either walk away, or change the subject.
I have had strangers who have kept pestering me to tell them where the scars are from and so sometimes, I tell them the truth, just to watch their jaws drop. I used to self-injure and now have thousands of scars due to a horrible time in my life. They generally have no idea what to say after I tell them the truth.

Anyway, I refuse to let people's ignorant and rude behavior prevent me from wearing short sleeves in hot weather. To the OP, wear your shorts and have a wonderful vacation.

 

[Selket]

I had most of my thyroid removed when I was a pre-teen and the doctor left me with a rather large and prominent scar across my neck. I used to get questions all the time about it when I was younger (like in college) but now it is usually from someone who had a similar surgery. If a child asks I always tell the truth but children almost never ask (even my own kids-LOL!).

Back then when someone asked I always enjoyed telling them that the scar is from where they had to reattach my head. It was simply amazing how many folks believed that story!

 

[vhoffman]

All these stories are quite amusing, however, I've found that a glib story is not the way to handle intrusive questions. Answering questions in any manner simply invites more questions. In essence, you've validated the question with an answer and it encourages more questions. I've yet to find a way to just stop someone in their tracks (except the leporsy story worked!). I've tried saying "its a long story" to a seat mate on a flight. His response "its a long flight". Telling someone you "...will forgive them for asking if they will forgive you for not answering" just generates more comments, then people feel like they have to defend why they asked (at least put them on the defensive, not yourself!), but what gets me the most is "..I was just trying to be nice!" Like its "nice" to go up to a total stranger and ignore all social barriers, just dive right in with question after question. I've found I can't even physically disengage at times, depending on the circumstances. I've had people literally block my path or hover over me when I'm in a seated position, like eating in a restaurant or at a show. I can't be expected to get up and leave my meal! Then, what gripes me even more than the questions is the patronizing pat or hug. I'm 50 years old! I really don't think its appropriate to go up to a total stranger and hug them.

Oh, well, just a vent here. I've had enough experience with the world at least I know what to expect. I've developed some techniques to head off such situations from happening in the first place. For example, I try not to sit with my back exposed, such as in a chair at a restaurant or event. I prefer to sit against a wall, facing outward. That prevents people from coming up behind me and hugging or patting me. Last visit to Hawaii (this is our second visit coming up) we rented a poolside cabana for the day. Not to "hide" in, but to give us some space and shade. Also, its a little more nervy to come into someone's physically defined space to ask personal questions and start hugging and patting one. I learned that one (the cabana) after using lounge chair at a pool and looked up to see two old "ladies" standing right over me, pointing to my various scars and commenting to each other "..what do you think happened? That poor girl!" I mean, they were hovering right over me, I couldn't even get up and get away (and leave my lounge chair for someone else to claim!) Also, on many beaches in Hawaii and elsewhere they have chairs with large shades, like a half-umbrella you can rent. It provides some more privacy, also much needed shade.

Its simply amazing how tacky people can be. They don't see themselves as being rude, and usually defend themselves by saying things like "I was trying to be nice". My reply to that is, "when you do, let me know". Just this weekend I was at a pet store and saw a couple with a new puppy. Of course, like everyone, I wanted to see the cute little puppy (I always ask, and never pet another person's animal, just look). Well, the guy holding it kept his head turned down and tried not to make eye contact with me. Then he did and I saw he had some facial scars. It was obvious they were surgical scars, quite fine, obviously old, as good as a scar gets. Of course, I noticed it. However, I just kept talking to him about the puppy, I didn't feel I needed to "be nice" by putting him on the spot about his facial scars. We had a pleasant conversation about dog breeds, etc. I think he walked away carrying himself a little straighter. The poor man! Obivously he had some traumatic injury to his face and went through much pain and suffering. Why should I add to it by rubbing it in? My 8 year old daughter was with me and she said she noticed the scars but wouldn't say anything because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. When an 8 year old child knows better how to act than some adults!

Well, perhaps I'm just getting myself worked up here. 99% of the time I function in public just fine without attracting a crowd and curious stares and comments. The 1% of the time people act weird, that's their problem, not mine. However, I still am at a loss as to how to get rid of the "curious". Like I've said, anything I try just doesn't seem to work with some people, they just hang right on asking questions. I've found the best technique is to not start answering any questions, even with a glib story. Just use the broken record technique and keep saying "I really don't wish to discuss my scars with you". Say that enough and there's nothing they can do after a point but leave, and you've kept the high ground. Well, Hawaii, here I COME!!!!

 

[vhoffman]

Anyway, I refuse to let people's ignorant and rude behavior prevent me from wearing short sleeves in hot weather. To the OP, wear your shorts and have a wonderful vacation.[/QUOTE]

Actually, we'd look a lot more weird walking around in 90+ heat all bundled up! If we're going to look "weird" at least let's be comfortable.

 

[Figaro]

I think that just saying: "I would prefer not to discuss it" and then repeating that as many times as necessary would force people to stop asking.

Rude people don't think they are rude. They believe that they are "interested" or "curious."(sigh) There is no real way to get them not to ask questions and since we can't control other people (only ourselves), I think being a broken record about not wanting to discuss it is probably the quickest and easiest way to get that message across.

 

[PrincessShanShan]

I have 11 different scars on my right foot and leg. Two of them are from the ankle to the thigh. I've had a few people to ask about them and a few more to stare, but I just go on about my business. I wear my shorts and I don't think twice about it. I truly feel sorry for people who have nothing better to do with their time than to try and find "faults" in others. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't owe anyone an explaination. Hold your head high, wear your swimsuit and enjoy your trip to Hawaii!!

 

[eternaldisneyfan]

I have many scars from surgeries and falling when I used to walk. Most of my scars don't show (on my back, stomach, hips). Though I have quite a few on my forehead. I also have some bald spots on the back of my head from pressure sore damage after surgery. Thankfully, I can use my other hair to cover it and my head rests on my headrest of my wheelchair. I remember after I had my port put in, there was a scar across my jugular and I thought, 'oh my gosh, it looks like I tried to commit suicide!' lol. The surgeon did a good job mostly getting the scar in the crease of my neck and now you can't see it.

I am more self conscious about how twisted my neck, feet, arms, and wrists are and my trach/vent.

I love growing out my fingernails because then people say, 'Wow! You have such long, nice fingernails. How did you do that? I wish I could grow my fingernails long'--instead of commenting on my body or having pity...

I guess I am kind of rambling. Maybe have something bright or noticeable that will distract from the scars.

Generally I enjoy informing people about my disability...as long as they don't say, 'what's wrong with you?'

Christamae

 

[GroovyWheeler]

I have multiple scars from 25 years of 45 surgeries all over my body, due to the "skeletal damages" that the Apert Syndrome caused, before I was born. Also a visible one on my neck, from when I had a trach tube in, for a while. I don't let it bother me one bit, especially when my scar from my total hip replacement surgery is visible when wearing a bathing suit.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions about my syndrome, why I use a wheelchair, or anything like that, without feeling like their intruding into my personal life. Apert Syndrome is so rare for a baby to have, and not very many people know about it. Yes, there were times that were extremely hard for me to deal with, like the staring, being laughed at, made fun of, and all of the worst things that could happen to someone with a "visible disability/syndrome" like mine. But, as I got older, I've learned that some people just don't really understand what it feels like, to walk in my shoes and to deal with a lot of surgeries, hospital stays, doctor visits, etc., more than an average person would spend.

A few people have asked me about the scar on my neck, but mostly they've asked me about why my fingers are so small, or why my toes are "fused", especially if I'm wearing sandals.

I can sympathize with someone that has visible multiple scars, and even though I would be curious to know about it, I would try to not make them feel "self-concious" about it. By the way, my fiance' Dan, and I are going to Hawaii too, in July, for our honeymoon. You'll love it there. I've been there only once (my mom has a couple of friends who live there) and I'm anxious to go back there, again, with not only Dan, but my mom too.

My Multicultural class instructor told us one day, that people with disabilities (especially those who use wheelchairs) get treated as if they are "head of the household" or as if they're "special". She told us of how her father-in-law was on nasal oxygen, and used a wheelchair throughout their entire trip; and how he would get treated by the Hawaiian people, as if he was "head of the household", compared to how he gets treated in the U.S., here in Oregon. This will be my first experience going to Hawaii with a wheelchair, so I'll have to see what she means by that.

Samantha

 

[Lachesis00]

I too have a lot of scares, some pretty visible. I just tell people I have "collected" scars since a baby and these are "my war wounds" from many surgeries over the years. I just try and keep it light and keep my sense of humor. If they want to know why they are free to ask.