How to prepare kids for relatives with differing lifestyles/values OP POSTS #94

[mimmi]

How do people feel about religious families/individuals coming into a non-religious home and praying before a meal? While I am a guest in someone's home I will be as respectful as possible. However, this happened to us recently and we felt extremely awkward having grace said in our home when we don't follow their belief system. We still aren't sure if we think that their actions were disrespectful, or if it's on us to make our guests comfortable... On the one hand it seems so harmless, but on the other, it really did make us uncomfortable in our own home.

This happened to us on Easter Sunday. In this particular case there is a lot of hypocrisy and obnoxiousness involved, so I was particularly disturbed, but didn't say anything as it's just my father's latest fad anyway and next time there will be something else.
We only know one family who does that on regular basis and while I don't like it very much in my house, as it implies that their Christian values "trump" my agnostic values in either house (or worse, that as an agnostic I don't have values), I don't say anything.
I've decided that those three seconds aren't important enough to create an awkward situation, but should it ever go any further than that (like discussions, promoting their belief to our daughter) I will step in.

 

[RNMOM]

I think making a guest comfortable is fine even if it goes against my religious/lack of/ beliefs. I don't think experiencing prayer ever harmed anyone and keeping the peace is also important. Take the high road and be the better person.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How do people feel about religious families/individuals coming into a non-religious home and praying before a meal? While I am a guest in someone's home I will be as respectful as possible. However, this happened to us recently and we felt extremely awkward having grace said in our home when we don't follow their belief system. We still aren't sure if we think that their actions were disrespectful, or if it's on us to make our guests comfortable... On the one hand it seems so harmless, but on the other, it really did make us uncomfortable in our own home.

Eh, I don't sweat it. Whatever floats your boat. Plus as a host, I know some people take their faith seriously and say a prayer before meals.

Now OTOH, if you said no praying allowed in the home, that would seriously be uncomfortable for everyone, I would think. If I had to say that to people, I would probably not have them in my home in the first place.

As a host, it is ingrained in me to be gracious to my guests and the thought of offending them would go against my "belief system" there.

 

[eliza61]

How do people feel about religious families/individuals coming into a non-religious home and praying before a meal? While I am a guest in someone's home I will be as respectful as possible. However, this happened to us recently and we felt extremely awkward having grace said in our home when we don't follow their belief system. We still aren't sure if we think that their actions were disrespectful, or if it's on us to make our guests comfortable... On the one hand it seems so harmless, but on the other, it really did make us uncomfortable in our own home.

Truthfully it wouldn't bother me in the least. If I had a guest over and they wanted to say grace, hey have at it. what am I suddenly going to fall to my knees? I don't think it was disrespectful at all. Have you ever been out to dinner with some one and they bow their heads a say a quick grace? most people simply pause, it takes all of 20 secs and then when the person finishes, conversation picks up.
As I said my brother and uncle are Muslim, the say a prayer over their plates all the time. no harm, no foul.

My MIL came over one sunday with a good friend of hers, she asked politely if I would mind if she said a quick grace. I thought it was pretty nice actually, basically she simple thanked the lord for the food and asked him to protect the people in the house. Now after the year I've had, I pretty much appreciate anyone who sends me good vibes.

I wouldn't sweat it, you're not going to start saying grace and I don't think your guest meant any harm.

 

[KimR]

How do people feel about religious families/individuals coming into a non-religious home and praying before a meal? While I am a guest in someone's home I will be as respectful as possible. However, this happened to us recently and we felt extremely awkward having grace said in our home when we don't follow their belief system. We still aren't sure if we think that their actions were disrespectful, or if it's on us to make our guests comfortable... On the one hand it seems so harmless, but on the other, it really did make us uncomfortable in our own home.

I think it depends on how it was done. If they said grace out loud knowing full well that your family does not share their beliefs, then yes, that is rude, presumptuous, and disrespectful. However, if they simply bowed their heads and said a silent prayer, It think that is perfectly fine.

 

[Pigeon]

How do people feel about religious families/individuals coming into a non-religious home and praying before a meal? While I am a guest in someone's home I will be as respectful as possible. However, this happened to us recently and we felt extremely awkward having grace said in our home when we don't follow their belief system. We still aren't sure if we think that their actions were disrespectful, or if it's on us to make our guests comfortable... On the one hand it seems so harmless, but on the other, it really did make us uncomfortable in our own home.

I think it's pretty rude. If I (an atheist) am invited into someone's home and they pray, I'm happy to sit and be quiet until they are done (but no head bowing). If they want to come into my house and pray, I've got no problem with starting to pass the potatoes while they are still at it.

 

[Pigeon]

In general, we follow the house rules. But that doesn't mean that my kids have a free pass do stuff that we don't allow them to do.

They also know that people believe different things. We're very liberal atheists. My teenaged kids know that a certain aunt is extremely religious and very conservative, and that many subjects need to be avoided around her.

When they get together with said aunt's teens, the kids go off and talk about everything. My teens were quite surprised to hear that the cousins do not share my sister's beliefs about most things.

 

[jrmasm]

I think it depends on how it was done. If they said grace out loud knowing full well that your family does not share their beliefs, then yes, that is rude, presumptuous, and disrespectful. However, if they simply bowed their heads and said a silent prayer, It think that is perfectly fine.

I agree.

 

[Sam81]

My children are gifted so they naturally understand all cultures. We, as parents, just want them to share their gifts with the world.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

This happened to us on Easter Sunday. In this particular case there is a lot of hypocrisy and obnoxiousness involved, so I was particularly disturbed, but didn't say anything as it's just my father's latest fad anyway and next time there will be something else.
We only know one family who does that on regular basis and while I don't like it very much in my house, as it implies that their Christian values "trump" my agnostic values in either house (or worse, that as an agnostic I don't have values), I don't say anything.
I've decided that those three seconds aren't important enough to create an awkward situation, but should it ever go any further than that (like discussions, promoting their belief to our daughter) I will step in.

I'm not sure I'm understanding here. Are you saying someone got tweaked over a prayer being said ............ On EASTER?

 

[jen0610]

I think it depends on how it was done. If they said grace out loud knowing full well that your family does not share their beliefs, then yes, that is rude, presumptuous, and disrespectful. However, if they simply bowed their heads and said a silent prayer, It think that is perfectly fine.

This is kind of how we are with DH's best friend. He says grace at every meal. He quietly bows his head and says his prayer to himself. WE, DH and I, don't make a big deal about it. It took the kids years, well into their teens, to catch onto what he was doing. When they did, they asked "uncle" T about it and that lead to a discussion on his beliefs.

If we had made an issue of it when they were younger, they wouldn't have been able to have the discussion they had with him. It's helped them to better form their beliefs.

 

[Liberty Belle]

We're a very political family, so our children have known from the start that people have different views, values, and opinions. If we know we'll be going to someone's home who has very different views from us, we'll warn our youngest not to talk politics. The rest, we just take in stride and go with the flow.

 

[Liberty Belle]

How do people feel about religious families/individuals coming into a non-religious home and praying before a meal? While I am a guest in someone's home I will be as respectful as possible. However, this happened to us recently and we felt extremely awkward having grace said in our home when we don't follow their belief system. We still aren't sure if we think that their actions were disrespectful, or if it's on us to make our guests comfortable... On the one hand it seems so harmless, but on the other, it really did make us uncomfortable in our own home.

We're a Christian family (well, my oldest DS is agnostic, but DH and I and our youngest are Christian), but we do not always say grace. I think if someone is dining at someone else's home and the host does not say grace, the person should just silently bow their head (or not, whatever they usually do) and say it quickly in their heads.

 

[mimmi]

I'm not sure I'm understanding here. Are you saying someone got tweaked over a prayer being said ............ On EASTER?

What is so confusing about it? I'm not religious, so why exactly do I have to like people praying in my house?

I also mentioned that I usually don't have a huge problem with it, but it was different in this particular case. It is a bit private but my main peeve is that my father is an extremely unfriendly and disrespectful man, we don't get along very well, mainly because I don't put up with his disrespectful rants anymore, calling me names and humiliating me isn't happening anymore, I can defend myself now as an adult.
So it seemed very ridiculous to me that he suddenly and for the first time in his life wanted to say a prayer, especially as I'm a 100% sure that he just wanted to impress my in laws. He made my childhood miserable, a two seconds prayer doesn't make him a better man.

And one more thing: you might want to consider cultural differences, as I'm not American. We don't have those strong religious movements, new born Christians and in your face religiousness, I've honestly ever known one family who says prayer before a meal, as it is very uncommon and makes many people uncomfortable.
I know it might be different from your ways, but it is how it is.

 

[Liberty Belle]

What is so confusing about it? I'm not religious, so why exactly do I have to like people praying in my house?

I also mentioned that I usually don't have a huge problem with it, but it was different in this particular case. It is a bit private but my main peeve is that my father is an extremely unfriendly and disrespectful man, we don't get along very well, mainly because I don't put up with his disrespectful rants anymore, calling me names and humiliating me isn't happening anymore, I can defend myself now as an adult.
So it seemed very ridiculous to me that he suddenly and for the first time in his life wanted to say a prayer, especially as I'm a 100% sure that he just wanted to impress my in laws. He made my childhood miserable, a two seconds prayer doesn't make him a better man.

And one more thing: you might want to consider cultural differences, as I'm not American. We don't have those strong religious movements, new born Christinas and in your face religiousness, I've honestly ever known one family who says prayer before a meal, as it is very uncommon and makes many people uncomfortable.
I know it might be different from your ways, but it is how is.

I definitely can understand why you'd be upset with your father's history and his sudden desire to pray. What I don't find clear is, were you celebrating Easter? If so, I don't see why a Christian prayer would be offensive (provided the words in it were not inclusive or were offensive in themselves). Most people I know who pray before meals only do so aloud when they're with their own family or if they're with friends who they know share their faith. If they're unsure, they'll usually just bow their heads and say a silent prayer.

As I'm sure you know, the United States is very diverse from one area to the next (even just a couple of miles at times!) and I'm often argued with that I'm not a Christian because I don't believe the bible is literal or because I accept other religions as being a way to God and heaven. So, there is a lot of misunderstandings here just between conservative Christians and liberal Christians, not to mention those of other faiths or agnostics or atheists.

 

[Pigeon]

Tons of people celebrate Easter as a secular holiday, just as they do Christmas. Mystery solved. Christian celebrations of both holidays have co-opted traditions of much older religions as everyone knows. Bunnies, eggs, flowers, chicks, etc. Many people get time off from work around these dates and many schools have vacations. It's a good time to host family get-togethers. So I don't get the fake astonishment.

 

[mimmi]

I definitely can understand why you'd be upset with your father's history and his sudden desire to pray. What I don't find clear is, were you celebrating Easter? If so, I don't see why a Christian prayer would be offensive (provided the words in it were not inclusive or were offensive in themselves). Most people I know who pray before meals only do so aloud when they're with their own family or if they're with friends who they know share their faith. If they're unsure, they'll usually just bow their heads and say a silent prayer.

As I'm sure you know, the United States is very diverse from one area to the next (even just a couple of miles at times!) and I'm often argued with that I'm not a Christian because I don't believe the bible is literal or because I accept other religions as being a way to God and heaven. So, there is a lot of misunderstandings here just between conservative Christians and liberal Christians, not to mention those of other faiths or agnostics or atheists.

We had lunch because it was Easter, but we usually don't emphasize the religious part, same with Christmas, I'm sure there are other people out there who treat those days more as family get-togethers.
I'm absolutely sure that this prayer wasn't only my father's first but also his last one, it was a cheesy and totally unnecessary show for my in-laws and I didn't appreciate it at all.

It doesn't really matter, I've stated that, while I was a bit miffed, I didn't make a big deal about it and it's over anyway.
I just didn't get the confusion by the PP quoting me.
I'm a bit uncomfortable with the discussion going off topic because of me, so let's get back to the original questions.

 

[eliza61]

And here we go.

Which is pretty much why so many young folks who get turned off by religion. I know JW's who will argue that the previous posters definition is absolutely wrong and swear their rendition is the true one.

 

[yoopermom]

(Here, I'll lighten the mood for y'all...)

My DMIL never "sits" at a meal, she's always scurrying around serving her husband, etc.

They came to see us when DS was maybe 3, we all sat down to eat (except her), DFIL went to dig into his food, and DS proclaimed politely, "We don't eat in this house until EVERYONE is at the table."

DMIL looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but actually sat and ate her first meal all the way through without leaping up.

When we go to their house, he still doesn't understand why she never sits down....

Terri

 

[ilovejack02]

And this thread is about to be closed .... GOOD JOB Nchulka


I love the Christian Police .. I can tell the rest of you do too ...


PS .. and I am a Christian , but certainly not going to tell others who, what , when , where and why . I know, I know that must make me a BAD Christian lol. You know that whole casting stones thing ; ). We all have also heard about living in glass houses.



As far as Op 's original question, I let most things roll off my back when visiting family. No need for me to make a big deal out of a few different opinions on what things kids should be allowed to do or not do. If I have to make a big deal out of it, then most likely I would not be visiting or having that family visit us.