How to Not Lose My Faith in Men

[NeverlandClub23]

So, I can't sleep and I need to vent and/or get some advice. About 6 months ago my long distance boyfriend and I broke up. Since that time he's been trying to get back together with me and telling me we're meant to be together, we can make it work, etc. We dated for a little over two years and had, of course what I thought, was a great relationship and saw each other for about 5-10 days a month because he traveled so much for work. He had gotten “divorced” shortly before we met. We broke up mainly because of the distance and not financially being able to be together at this time but remained friends. Tonight after doing some investigating (i.e. found his "ex" wife's father's Twitter page with many recent photos and postings of "had a great time with my daughter and her husband this weekend!" [I have a memory like a steel trap and probably was a PI in a past life] and other things [I do deed work as part of my job so after I saw that Twitter post I looked up his house to see who’s names are on it and it’s him and his “ex” wife’s]), I find out he's still married.

Of course, looking back there were some red flags but nothing crazy. He was very good at hiding it, we would spend days/nights together and he would never leave the room to make a phone call, he would always answer his phone when I called, etc. He came to all of my holiday get togethers, work functions, and even went to WDW with my parents and I.

Before him I was engaged to a guy for two years and found out he was cheating on me with his next door neighbor's wife (they're now divorced and they are together which I found out a couple of days ago from a friend).

I don't normally like to share all of my personal info (especially with a bunch of relative strangers ) but all of this has really been a big blow and most of my real life friends are guys that if I told all of this to would say "That sucks, I always knew he was an ___________. Have you seen the remote?" and I'm really trying to not let it affect how I view men/relationships. I don't even know where to go from here, I've always trusted easily and thought the best of the guys I've dated. Is it just bad luck or should I not be as trusting? I know lots of people here have been through bad divorces/break-ups or been betrayed so any advice is appreciated .

 

[chloelovesdisney]

So, I can't sleep and I need to vent and/or get some advice. About 6 months ago my long distance boyfriend and I broke up. Since that time he's been trying to get back together with me and telling me we're meant to be together, we can make it work, etc. We dated for a little over two years and had, of course what I thought, was a great relationship and saw each other for about 5-10 days a month because he traveled so much for work. He had gotten “divorced” shortly before we met. We broke up mainly because of the distance and not financially being able to be together at this time but remained friends. Tonight after doing some investigating (i.e. found his "ex" wife's father's Twitter page with many recent photos and postings of "had a great time with my daughter and her husband this weekend!" [I have a memory like a steel trap and probably was a PI in a past life] and other things [I do deed work as part of my job so after I saw that Twitter post I looked up his house to see who’s names are on it and it’s him and his “ex” wife’s]), I find out he's still married.

Of course, looking back there were some red flags but nothing crazy. He was very good at hiding it, we would spend days/nights together and he would never leave the room to make a phone call, he would always answer his phone when I called, etc. He came to all of my holiday get togethers, work functions, and even went to WDW with my parents and I.

Before him I was engaged to a guy for two years and found out he was cheating on me with his next door neighbor's wife (they're now divorced and they are together which I found out a couple of days ago from a friend).

I don't normally like to share all of my personal info (especially with a bunch of relative strangers ) but all of this has really been a big blow and most of my real life friends are guys that if I told all of this to would say "That sucks, I always knew he was an ___________. Have you seen the remote?" and I'm really trying to not let it affect how I view men/relationships. I don't even know where to go from here, I've always trusted easily and thought the best of the guys I've dated. Is it just bad luck or should I not be as trusting? I know lots of people here have been through bad divorces/break-ups or been betrayed so any advice is appreciated .

Are you sure he is still married? Maybe they just left both names on the house as part of their divorce deal? It doesn't sound like he was trying to hide anything.

There are good men out there, don't lose faith.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Are you sure he is still married? Maybe they just left both names on the house as part of their divorce deal? It doesn't sound like he was trying to hide anything.

I do think he's still married. He denies it (of course) but there's a whole lot that doesn't add up. Her picture on facebook is of the two of them together. When we first got together he told me he had to buy her out of the house in the divorce so I don't think she would still be on the deed (his main reason for not being able to move forward in our relationship is the amount of debt he had to take on after the "divorce"). Really the biggest thing is her Dad's Twitter page because it's an innocent third party (like it's not on his ex-wife's page or else I might think she's just doing it so he wouldn't be with anyone else or no one would be with him) and his postings of spending time with her and him happen to fall on weekends where he was at "work things" and couldn't talk/text me much.

I'm not necessarily concerned about the relationship because it was over 6 months ago and I'm just glad I'm not her. I just want to be able to believe what is being said to me in the future and that there are guys with good intentions. I'm sure there are but I guess I just needed to vent/get this off of my chest.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Oh that is suspicious. I'd send her pictures of the two of you together and let her know he dated you for the last couple of years, but that's just me. You may be well over him and not up for the drama that will come from that but I know I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

Vent away, that is very lowsy behavior on his part.

 

[sunnyday123]

There are good guys out there. You just have to try on a few pairs of shoes before you buy 'em!

And he sounds a little crazy, you should be glad to be rid of him. For what it's worth, I dated a guy who gave his ex-wife their house, and she couldn't refinance it because of her credit, so his name was, and probably still is, on it. The phone was still in his name too, which I found odd. But he was too, and that one only lasted a hot minute!

Just hang in there and have fun!

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sorry you have had such bad luck with men. I hope you are able to find your prince soon - they aren't all frogs.

Have you considered telling his wife about her husband's affair? I am not sure what I would do in this situation, but I would hate to be married to someone not knowing that he cheated on me.

 

[Tampa Mousekeeter]

Have you considered telling his wife about her husband's affair? I am not sure what I would do in this situation, but I would hate to be married to someone not knowing that he cheated on me.

Sorry to disagree with you but I would never do that to someone, regardless if she knows or not....who would want a perfect stranger telling you that...

Divorce, deed transfers, etc are all public record so usually you can go to the county website and see if there was actually a divorce....but personally I would not waste my time and move on....you will meet someone when you least expect it....

 

[Christine]

I think there are a LOT of good guys out there. The trick is finding them, of course.

Now you have a "record" of being with two guys who have deceived you in the form of cheating. It might be time to look at your personal taste in men and find out if there is some thing/trait/characteristic that might draw you to certain types of men. I would hardly call two bad experiences a pattern, but it is a start of one. Many cheating men are very charismatic and exciting. They are able to turn on the charm and lie and attract women in certain ways. You need to look at what it was about them that made them more fascinating then, say, some guys you know that don't cheat.

Again, you don't have a real history of a problem here and maybe not enough experience or knowledge of the guys you didn't date. But you probably see where I'm going with this?

 

[pbthompson]

OP so sorry this happened to you, sadly this happens to many people. I used to date a guy that was in the military, he told me he was separated from his wife. We went out with his friends, over to his superiors for dinner etc. Come to find out his idea and my idea of being separated were different. She was visiting her family in Florida over the summer. He felt if she wasn't physically with him currently, he was good to go. Ahh no.

There ARE good guys out there, they are hard to find but worth the effort. Do you stop trusting? No. That is part of who you are and you can't stop that and be true to yourself. There is nothing wrong with doing research on your potential partner, especially today. Look at Scott Peterson. Amber Frye had no idea, all she had to do was turn on the TV. As I have said many well educated, decent women have fallen pray to a con man. In my mind that is what he is.

A very good friend of mine went through something very similiar. She dated this guy for 5 years, he asked her to marry him etc. He said his wife had been killed in a car accident and that he was now raising their daughter on his own. He said he had to move to NC because his job transferred him and it was cheaper to live down there blah blah blah. They kept in touch, he would fly up to see her, send her presents etc. A few months ago my friend was looking up something on facebook and the friend suggestion came up for a woman with his same last name. She thought it was his sister...um nope. It was his "dead" wife. She had a public page, she had pictures of their new baby etc. Unreal. My friend sent her all the emails he had sent her. They exchanged information and I believe she is divorcing him. Moron.

I would recommend trying to go through friends, you said you have alot of guy friends. Don't they have any decent buddies you could date?

 

[Cheshire Figment]

A quick online records check of the County Tax Assessor's office can show the current ownership of the house. And ask him when and in what court the divorce was filed and contact the Clerk of Court for verification.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

One way is to ask your friend's opinion. You need some outside "screening" if you will. Ask your friend's opinion and tell them to be blunt and honest.
Of course you have to be willingly to accept and trust their opinion in the first place.

Secondly do not "cyber-date". Find someone who is in the same town as you are. That way you can cut the guy loose quicker because you will "see" how they are up, close and personal.

The problem may be that you hang onto to someone who is not a match for you too long. Like you are trying to make something work, when you should just let it go.

I think with some self reflection, time , and a different strategy for dating you can get there.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

One way is to ask your friend's opinion. You need some outside "screening" if you will. Ask your friend's opinion and tell them to be blunt and honest.
Of course you have to be willingly to accept and trust their opinion in the first place.

Secondly do not "cyber-date". Find someone who is in the same town as you are. That way you can cut the guy loose quicker because you will "see" how they are up, close and personal.

The problem may be that you hang onto to someone who is not a match for you too long. Like you are trying to make something work, when you should just let it go.

I think with some self reflection, time , and a different strategy for dating you can get there.

So true! Especially the bolded part. I am perfectly happy being single for right now and just really doing things I enjoy but I really need to figure out what it is that I want and not just accepting whatever comes. I met this guy through a work thing and I should've just cut it off when I found out he lived 5 states away.

Thank you all so much for your responses! They really help and make me think about things. I do always tend to fall for the funny guys and they are also usually the charmers as they know how to talk to people and make them laugh.

I think my guy friends have much higher standards for me than I have for myself. I've asked a couple of them to set me up in the past but they always say I deserve better than any of the guys they know (they're like a bunch of older, protective brothers). I don't know if that means they hang out with some shady people or if they think that highly of me .

 

[mrsklamc]

I think my guy friends have much higher standards for me than I have for myself. I've asked a couple of them to set me up in the past but they always say I deserve better than any of the guys they know (they're like a bunch of older, protective brothers). I don't know if that means they hang out with some shady people or if they think that highly of me .

Are any of them available? I used to have a guy friend who never thought anyone was good enough for me...been married 5 years now.

I don't think you need to put any more research into this guy, but I would tell his wife cause no one deserves to have that kept from them.

 

[Poohs Pal]

Watch the Sex and the city episode that has Bon Jovi in it

 

[Wishing on a star]

I'm so sorry!!!

No advice...
I do believe that he is married...
If the OP wanted to know, for sure (not to hold out any hope, but just for her own information and peace of mind) aren't marriage and divorce records 'public' records....

OP, Live and Learn!!!! (emphasis right now on the learn part!)

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I'd send her pictures of the two of you together and let her know he dated you for the last couple of years, but that's just me.

I would absolutely do this. If I was his wife I'd want to know. I'd send her pictures and say "Hey, we've been dating for a couple of years and broke up, but John Doe want's to get back together. I was worried that he still might be married to you since I came across some information to support this." See what she says.

 

[bumbershoot]

Since you have mainly men as friends, how can these two guys you dated sour you on men? You *know* there are good men, as they are your friends.

Sorry to disagree with you but I would never do that to someone, regardless if she knows or not....who would want a perfect stranger telling you that...

Well, if her husband isn't telling her and her friends aren't (if they know), then who *should* tell? Shouldn't she know?

I am perfectly happy being single for right now and just really doing things I enjoy...

...I should've just cut it off when I found out he lived 5 states away.

It's so good that you are happy being single!

Yep, if you don't want the difficulties down the road of a long distance guy, even if it's wonderful and fabulous and he's perfect for real, don't start dating a long distance guy.

Shortly after finally dumping the last absolutely inappropriate guy, I wrote down what I *wanted*. In the past years, I wrote down what I did NOT want (which usually consisted of the traits of the last guy, LOL), and that wasn't working for me. But writing down what I did want was great. And in a ridiculously short amount of time, he showed up! It was pretty cool, and I still have the piece of paper.

 

[Singleminnie]

Since you have mainly men as friends, how can these two guys you dated sour you on men? You *know* there are good men, as they are your friends.



Well, if her husband isn't telling her and her friends aren't (if they know), then who *should* tell? Shouldn't she know?




It's so good that you are happy being single!

Yep, if you don't want the difficulties down the road of a long distance guy, even if it's wonderful and fabulous and he's perfect for real, don't start dating a long distance guy.

Shortly after finally dumping the last absolutely inappropriate guy, I wrote down what I *wanted*. In the past years, I wrote down what I did NOT want (which usually consisted of the traits of the last guy, LOL), and that wasn't working for me. But writing down what I did want was great. And in a ridiculously short amount of time, he showed up! It was pretty cool, and I still have the piece of paper.

I shared what I "wanted" in a man with my last guy and he told me that he could be that man. I trusted him and believed in him and after waiting all day for him to call me or text me, I get a break up message from him on Facebook today. Sorry I am a little bitter right now, I too am questioning, is there a good guy out there?

 

[ugadog99]

There are good men out there, don't lose faith.

I wish I could believe this, but I only seem to attract the losers! Sadly, I've given up now.

OP, I wish you the best!

 

[LuvBug1977]

I am so sorry to hear what that jerk put you through!

Yes, there are good guys out there... and some of them are still single, lol. I found my husband when I decided that I was happy being single and just figuring out what was best for me. We have been married for 8 years now!

Hoping that patience and learning what is most important to you will find you the happiness to fulfill your heart!