How to kindly uninvite someone

[hulagirl87]

So I am hoping to take my kids to Disney at the end of May. It will be a road trip and it will be a challenge for me as DH can't go, but it's a challenge that I really want to take on. I have a Disney friend, someone that I have traveled to Disney World with in the past. She was actually in Disney World last year when they closed down, so her trip was cut very short and she is still really bummed about it. I was asking her opinion about something for my possible trip with the kids and she said "ooh, I'll come with you!" and now is planning where she will stay, how we will share the driving, etc. She said she doesn't want me driving alone because she's concerned for my safety. She even texted last night saying how an airline had good deals. I told her I wasn't comfortable flying and was actually looking forward to driving. So now I don't know what to do. How do I tell her I really just want to take the kids on my own? Ok, I could probably say those exact words, but I'm not a confrontational person and I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I know this seems like a silly thing to ask an opinion on, but any kind words you could offer would be awesome!

 

[rjb123]

Well, I would just say that while you love how willing she is to come and help you out, after this difficult year you have decided to make this a mom and kiddo trip only. Tell her the kids are asking for this "special time" with you and though you are would love to have her join you, it just doesn't feel right when they are asking for this special time. Then I would come up with a future date to plan a trip with just the two of you.

 

[ENJDisneyFan]

Well, I would just say that while you love how willing she is to come and help you out, after this difficult year you have decided to make this a mom and kiddo trip only. Tell her the kids are asking for this "special time" with you and though you are would love to have her join you, it just doesn't feel right when they are asking for this special time. Then I would come up with a future date to plan a trip with just the two of you.

I think this advice is spot on

 

[ronandannette]

So I am hoping to take my kids to Disney at the end of May. It will be a road trip and it will be a challenge for me as DH can't go, but it's a challenge that I really want to take on. I have a Disney friend, someone that I have traveled to Disney World with in the past. She was actually in Disney World last year when they closed down, so her trip was cut very short and she is still really bummed about it. I was asking her opinion about something for my possible trip with the kids and she said "ooh, I'll come with you!" and now is planning where she will stay, how we will share the driving, etc. She said she doesn't want me driving alone because she's concerned for my safety. She even texted last night saying how an airline had good deals. I told her I wasn't comfortable flying and was actually looking forward to driving. So now I don't know what to do. How do I tell her I really just want to take the kids on my own? Ok, I could probably say those exact words, but I'm not a confrontational person and I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I know this seems like a silly thing to ask an opinion on, but any kind words you could offer would be awesome!

Well, I would just say that while you love how willing she is to come and help you out, after this difficult year you have decided to make this a mom and kiddo trip only. Tell her the kids are asking for this "special time" with you and though you are would love to have her join you, it just doesn't feel right when they are asking for this special time. Then I would come up with a future date to plan a trip with just the two of you.

OP, I wouldn't necessarily lay this part on too thick as it's likely to just cause her to come up with a bunch of ways to make it work, since "you" would sure like it to. Then you just have to find reasons to shoot down all of that. End of the day, you just need to say "Thanks but we can't do it this time. We've already planned for it to be just the kids and me". I realize it's hard but anything less than a full NO is likely to be perceived as a maybe-yes, which isn't productive for any of you.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

So I am hoping to take my kids to Disney at the end of May. It will be a road trip and it will be a challenge for me as DH can't go, but it's a challenge that I really want to take on. I have a Disney friend, someone that I have traveled to Disney World with in the past. She was actually in Disney World last year when they closed down, so her trip was cut very short and she is still really bummed about it. I was asking her opinion about something for my possible trip with the kids and she said "ooh, I'll come with you!" and now is planning where she will stay, how we will share the driving, etc. She said she doesn't want me driving alone because she's concerned for my safety. She even texted last night saying how an airline had good deals. I told her I wasn't comfortable flying and was actually looking forward to driving. So now I don't know what to do. How do I tell her I really just want to take the kids on my own? Ok, I could probably say those exact words, but I'm not a confrontational person and I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I know this seems like a silly thing to ask an opinion on, but any kind words you could offer would be awesome!

Next time she texts just text back "That sounds great. I am just going to stick with all my original plans though. Let me know what you end up doing so we can plan a dinner together."

 

[morgan98]

OP, for what it is worth this is something that you need to be a bit confrontational and direct on. This isn't about someone inviting themselves to a fast food lunch with you, this is a vacation that you already have your own plans for. We do not often travel with others, and the couple of time we have, it is definitely a difference experience. It is not something I would let others push on me, that is for sure.

I am with the others. Tell her that after all that has happened you really want this trip to be just you and the kids and that you hope she understands. End of story. Easier said that done, but you can do it.

 

[Christine]

Well I do think the above advice is good, but based on your post, it no longer sounds like the option of her coming along is an option at all. When she said "oooh, I'll go" did you say 'okay" because it seems like there was some tacit agreement that she was going. If that's the case and it's still not up in the air, you truly would be uninviting her and I'm not sure talking about a "mom and kids" trip wouldn't be hurtful at this point.

If that's the case, there probably isn't a good way to do this without hurting her feelings. If that's how it's going to be, I'd probably accept that she's going but you are really going to need to get her under control. I'd say:

Jane, it was very nice of you to be concerned for my safety and want to travel with us, but I need to be clear that I had my ideas "set" for this trip. We are going to drive and we are going to stay at XXX resort. I understand completely if that's not how you want to do your next Disney trip and I'm totally on board with you cancelling out; you won't hurt my feelings, but this is how I want to do this trip with my kids.

 

[disneychrista]

Sounds like she invited herself.

 

[Christine]

Sounds like she invited herself.

It does, but did the OP assent at the time?

 

[hulagirl87]

Well, I would just say that while you love how willing she is to come and help you out, after this difficult year you have decided to make this a mom and kiddo trip only. Tell her the kids are asking for this "special time" with you and though you are would love to have her join you, it just doesn't feel right when they are asking for this special time. Then I would come up with a future date to plan a trip with just the two of you.

This sounds really nice. I could definitely try this.

Well I do think the above advice is good, but based on your post, it no longer sounds like the option of her coming along is an option at all. When she said "oooh, I'll go" did you say 'okay" because it seems like there was some tacit agreement that she was going. If that's the case and it's still not up in the air, you truly would be uninviting her and I'm not sure talking about a "mom and kids" trip wouldn't be hurtful at this point.

If that's the case, there probably isn't a good way to do this without hurting her feelings. If that's how it's going to be, I'd probably accept that she's going but you are really going to need to get her under control. I'd say:

Jane, it was very nice of you to be concerned for my safety and want to travel with us, but I need to be clear that I had my ideas "set" for this trip. We are going to drive and we are going to stay at XXX resort. I understand completely if that's not how you want to do your next Disney trip and I'm totally on board with you cancelling out; you won't hurt my feelings, but this is how I want to do this trip with my kids.

When she said she would come, I told her that I don't think it would be a very relaxing trip for her to come along with the kids. She said that it wouldn't be a problem, and don't my kids love her? I said of course they do! And then she ran with it. I never at any point extended an invitation or said yes, you should definitely come! She is an excellent friend and I know would do anything for me, but I have a hard time standing up to her. I'm not very good with my words and can't fight or argue very well.

 

[Christine]

This sounds really nice. I could definitely try this.



When she said she would come, I told her that I don't think it would be a very relaxing trip for her to come along with the kids. She said that it wouldn't be a problem, and don't my kids love her? I said of course they do! And then she ran with it. I never at any point extended an invitation or said yes, you should definitely come! She is an excellent friend and I know would do anything for me, but I have a hard time standing up to her. I'm not very good with my words and can't fight or argue very well.

I understand. So because you didn't say "no" and probably just went along as she rambled, to her, she's been invited. That was my worry. Not faulting you at all. These situations are tough. But it definitely seems for sure a dis-invite at this point rather than still being back at the point where it's being decided. That makes it hard. I'm pretty straightforward with people and don't generally have an issue telling people no, but I would struggle with how to remove her from the trip at this point without hurting her feelings. I guess you need to decide if it's worth it. I don't see a graceful way, at this point, since it sounds as if she feels like she's going.

 

[Donald13]

Just say it’s a family trip and you will plan a trip with her one day, just not this one. You don’t owe her a trip because hers was cut short. Be honest and direct.

 

[Karin1984]

When she said she would come, I told her that I don't think it would be a very relaxing trip for her to come along with the kids. She said that it wouldn't be a problem, and don't my kids love her? I said of course they do! And then she ran with it. I never at any point extended an invitation or said yes, you should definitely come! She is an excellent friend and I know would do anything for me, but I have a hard time standing up to her. I'm not very good with my words and can't fight or argue very well.

For that the world invented e-mail. You can think about what you want to say and you can explain more what you are not able to do in person. If she is a true good friend she will understand. And I would definitely add that you write it via e-mail because you know your weaknesses.

 

[Southernmiss]

Have you purchased Park tickets already? There are blackout dates in May and June already where parks are not even available to buy tickets. This whole situation becomes moot if you can't even go to a park.

 

[DLgal]

Yikes. You should have probably shut that down immediately and told her it was a special bonding trip with your kids and a personal challenge for yourself to take them alone.

You could just tell her this now. And maybe suggest an adults only trip together later this year, and leave the kids home for that one, if you actually want to spend time on vacation with this woman.

 

[disneydreamer1980]

I agree with the above posters. Just say “I love that you’re so willing to help me, but I’ve been really looking forward to some bonding time with just me and the kids. But thanks for the offer!”

 

[supamaki]

Hey XXX, We'll have to do a trip together sometime in the future, but this trip is just gonna be me and the kiddos.

Leave no room for misinterpretation or any wiggle room.

 

[hulagirl87]

I agree with the above posters. Just say “I love that you’re so willing to help me, but I’ve been really looking forward to some bonding time with just me and the kids. But thanks for the offer!”

Hey XXX, We'll have to do a trip together sometime in the future, but this trip is just gonna be me and the kiddos.

Leave no room for misinterpretation or any wiggle room.

I like both of these. I will probably do something like this

Thank you everyone for your help and opinions!!