How to help a friend in need?

[jensen]

What's the best way that one of your long-distance friends helped you through tough times?

My friend is a former co-worker who moved to another state. We stay in touch mostly via Facebook, but I consider her a close friend. About a month ago, her son was diagnosed with Leukemia. I've always known her to be a strong person and she's got a large, close-knit family, as does her husband. So, she's got a great support system. I figured she'd sail through this... I was wrong.

She set-up a Caring Bridge site and I sat down to read it the other day. I think that if you were following her posts every day, you might not see the pattern of increasing desperation. But, when you read it like a book, it's scary. I kept thinking, she's going to make herself sick... she'll end up in the hospital. When I reached the final post... she'd been diagnosed with Mono.

That was over the weekend. Yesterday they had a doctors appointment and her son's status has been downgraded. He's headed into (what sounds to be) a grueling month of chemo treatments.

I think she's at her breaking point. I want to do something, anything to help her. But, I don't want to do something just to make myself feel better. I want to do something that can actually be helpful to her.

But, what? It's not like I can drop a cassarole off or go clean her house. And there are already lots of people doing those things. I'm wondering if those of you who've been through this can tell me something that a long-distance friend did that really meant something to you?

Thank you.

 

[pjlla]

First of all.... I will pray for your friend and her son. Sounds like they need it.

Second of all... how wonderful of you to want to help, even from a distance.

Third of all.... you might want to post this on another board to get more ideas. Somehow this ended up here on the WISH board.... it might get more suggestions on the Community board.

How about doing something to "shower" your friend with caring notes and such? We are doing something like this right now for my DSIL who is waaaay across the country from us and struggling with her 3rd (and most grim) cancer diagnosis. We are trying to get everyone in the family to start sending notes and gift cards and the like, so that she gets something in her mail nearly daily to remind her how much she is loved and to help her out. I have a card ready to go as soon as I add a few Subway gift cards. Sure, it isn't much, but she is a single mom to a 16 y/o boy (with HUGE health issues of his own). Just not having to worry about supper a few times might be helpful. Maybe you could get some note cards prepared and try sending one every other day to your friend..... just something to let her know you are thinking about her and such??

Is she involved with a church? If so, perhaps you could contact someone at the church and ask if they have any sort of outreach group that could help this family.... bringing meals, offering rides, prayer support, etc.

Could you find a spa nearby and book her (and pay ahead) for a massage? Or maybe set up a few massages over the next few weeks/months?

It sounds like with all of that family and such nearby, that most of their urgent needs are probably being met.... but she probably needs to be taken care of HERSELF (as evidenced by her mono diagnosis!).

Best of luck to your friend...................P

 

[dismichelle]

It's so wonderful to want to do things. My DH got sick a few years ago. We have a large close-knit family, and they did ....almost nothing. So please make sure that her family is actually doing some of things one would expect them to do at this time.

I feel like I almost owe my life to a dear long-distance friend. She really helped. She would call me every single day, it went on for about 3 months when DH was at his worst and I was sinking into a deep depression. Some calls were just 5 minutes, and some went on for an hour. At times, I was thinking that I know she needs to get back to her own family, but she never let it show and never rushed me off the phone. My sisters seemed to get tired of talking to me, but this one friend was exactly what I needed at that time.

At times like these, I have found that most seem to shy away and are not sure what to say. Those daily calls were a lifesaver, and sometimes there would only be a couple of words and I would sit there and cry for the entire time.

Other than that, I would just call her up and ask her what does she need. Offer a certain amount, say $100/$150. Tell her you will not take no for an answer and ask does she want you to use the money to schedule and pay for her a couple spa treatments, hire a house cleaner for a few hours, send her giftcards to a couple restaurants, a target giftcard so that she can get something for herself, or just a visa giftcard to get some other needed things. Even though we did okay financially at the time, I would have definitely appreciated a prepaid spa day, or a prepaid house cleaner.

 

[jensen]

It's so wonderful to want to do things. My DH got sick a few years ago. We have a large close-knit family, and they did ....almost nothing. So please make sure that her family is actually doing some of things one would expect them to do at this time.

I feel like I almost owe my life to a dear long-distance friend. She really helped. She would call me every single day, it went on for about 3 months when DH was at his worst and I was sinking into a deep depression. Some calls were just 5 minutes, and some went on for an hour. At times, I was thinking that I know she needs to get back to her own family, but she never let it show and never rushed me off the phone. My sisters seemed to get tired of talking to me, but this one friend was exactly what I needed at that time.

At times like these, I have found that most seem to shy away and are not sure what to say. Those daily calls were a lifesaver, and sometimes there would only be a couple of words and I would sit there and cry for the entire time.

Other than that, I would just call her up and ask her what does she need. Offer a certain amount, say $100/$150. Tell her you will not take no for an answer and ask does she want you to use the money to schedule and pay for her a couple spa treatments, hire a house cleaner for a few hours, send her giftcards to a couple restaurants, a target giftcard so that she can get something for herself, or just a visa giftcard to get some other needed things. Even though we did okay financially at the time, I would have definitely appreciated a prepaid spa day, or a prepaid house cleaner.

Thank you!!! I'll give her a call tonight!