How to handle a mean kid?

[proudtobeamom]

Okay, so There is a child that is in a group with my son and he is very mean and physical. Hits, shoves, grabs he is just a bully, these are 3 and 4 year olds! The mom will not handle it at all. How do I deal with this? The mom does see this, just will not correct it.
I am very frustrated, we will be at a party with this child today.....AHHHHH!!
Any tips??

 

[moxiecola]

Check out this thread regarding bullies http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1777930
Unfortunately the common theme here is parent's of the child doing the bullying sit back and let it happen. Their child can do no wrong...

 

[Kriii]

I've found over the years that kids like that are best avoided if possible. Hopefully the child will mature over time and get things under control but if mom isn't helping that process, the child may just get worse. Have no hesitation to step in to protect your child as if necessary in a nice but firm way. I learned early on that some parents can be reasonable if you talk to them about behavior issues but many will just blow up. Good luck.

 

[daisyduck123]

That's too bad this kid was invited to the party. There have been a few instances I've known where the bully kept "not getting invited" to parties, & then I think the mom finally understood.

 

[MNdisneymom]

What worked for my DS (who is now 5, but had one of those kids in his preschool last year) was roleplaying to figure out how to act around him. I would pretend to be the mean kid, and would help him come up with responses like, "Hey, don't push! That's mean!", or whatever. We worked on it *a lot*--I think that helped him remember what to do when he was around the boy at school. (I think it's still helping now; A month ago in Sunday school, his teacher told me after class, another boy tried to get him to goof around, DS responded with, "You're being bad, but I'm not going to be like you!")

Good luck...it's really sad that the icky behavior can start this young, isn't it?

 

[Zeebs]

At this age I suspect he is not a bully he just doesn't have the tools to deal with situations in a manner that doesn't involve hitting, pushing etc. Most kids go through this stage around 2-3 when parents usually step in and teach them a more appropriate way to deal with socializing with other children.

Either the mother doesn't know how to deal with it, or she doesn't see there is anything wrong with what he is doing. If I was in the situation, I would play referee for a bit,

Your child has toy other child pushes to take it, tell him that it isn't nice to push, explain why it isn't nice, take him by the hand to his mother and tell her that child pushed and you thought she should be made aware, tell her what you have said to him and then leave it at that. By the same respect, if your child took toy and got a shove for it. Don't automatically side with your child, explain to child that he shouldn't shove your child but also explain to your child he shouldn't take toy if someone else is playing with it. Then as both children were in the wrong take toy and put it somewhere else.

Hopefully by seeing this "mean" child will start to realise that it isn't the way to act. Now I realise that it shouldn't be our place to parent someone elses child and I wouldn't normally get this involved but IF the mother really has not an idea hopefully by bringing it too her attention that it is behavour that bothers other mothers she might start to do something about it.

Kirsten

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I wish I knew what to tell you but from my experience those parents usually think that "Kids are just crazy!" or "That's just how boys/girls are!" Uh no- that is how your kid is. Or "Kids that age don't understand sharing." Yeah right. Makes you want to smack the parent.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Totally agree. You can't blame the child at this age - its the parents responsibility to watch what is going on, and do something about inappropriate behavior. If this mother is not doing this, then I say step in once or twice, letting the mom know what is going on. After that, if they mother still doesn't get the hint, take your child away from the situation.

 

[stacy6552]

I would tell your child to stay away from the other one. Loud and proud, even in the company of others, including the other mom.

Once I was at a momy and me class with my 2 year old. There was a big time bully child there. He punched another pregnant mom in the stomach and his mothere's response was that the woman should have paid him some attention. Later he jumped on my son and grabbed him around the throat from behind. I peeled the kids arm off of my son and said, "no no." and his mother tried to have me arrested for assult. I later found out that he was kicked out of his preschool for violence, shortly after the incident.

You can't really do much to be subtle. So just feel free to call out, "honey! I told you to stay away from him."

 

[livndisney]

Children learn from their parents and sadly some parents send the message to their children that it is ok to do whatever they want. Some parents are of the opinion a behavior is ok as long as it does not hurt THEIR child.

It is sad to see such behavior start out so young.

In my experience, commenting or trying to talk to the parents does no good as in their eyes, their little "angel" has done nothing wrong.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Okay, so There is a child that is in a group with my son and he is very mean and physical. Hits, shoves, grabs he is just a bully, these are 3 and 4 year olds! The mom will not handle it at all. How do I deal with this? The mom does see this, just will not correct it.
I am very frustrated, we will be at a party with this child today.....AHHHHH!!
Any tips??

There are a number of strategies that could work.

When he starts in, look at your son and say so that they both hear, "Okay, we're not playing with Billy anymore because he is hitting." Take your kid by the hand and lead him to a more appropriate playmate or activity.

Talk to the mother. You said she sees this, right? Next time ask her to intervene. If she blows it off, tell her you cannot permit her child to behave that way toward yours.

If these don't work, talk to the other moms in the group. Chances are you're not the only one upset. Perhaps there needs to be a rule that children who hit have to go home.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Okay, so There is a child that is in a group with my son and he is very mean and physical. Hits, shoves, grabs he is just a bully, these are 3 and 4 year olds! The mom will not handle it at all. How do I deal with this? The mom does see this, just will not correct it.
I am very frustrated, we will be at a party with this child today.....AHHHHH!!
Any tips??

If he hits or shoves your son, tell your son to do it back to him. Make sure the mom hears this.

She'll do something then. Be prepared for her to call your son the bully, but I guarantee you she'll react to her son's behavior from that point on. This won't stop him from bothering other kids, but he and his mother will know that your son will defend himself.

 

[nessz79]

If he hits or shoves your son, tell your son to do it back to him. Make sure the mom hears this.

She'll do something then. Be prepared for her to call your son the bully, but I guarantee you she'll react to her son's behavior from that point on. This won't stop him from bothering other kids, but he and his mother will know that your son will defend himself.

I don't necessarily endorse this, but I had to laugh (with you, not at you), because this was the way we were raised...kind of. Although my parents were never around when bullying happened, if I told my dad that some other little girl had hit me, etc. he would tell me to hit her back next time.

Unfortunately I was so shy that this never happened until 5th grade. Greatest moment of my life as that girl never bullied me again

But actually, I agree with one of the posters that suggested talking to the parents and if nothing else worked, removing your child from the bully's presence. A 3 or 4 year old can't really be reasoned with, especially if they aren't your child.

 

[DevilDuckie]

. A 3 or 4 year old can't really be reasoned with, especially if they aren't your child.

3 is totally old enough to understand, "You're being mean so we won't play with you. IF you stop acting like that THEN we can all play together." The basic logic of "If/Then" is well within the grasp of a pre-schooler.

 

[LoveTwoTravel]

I agree (quoted below) that the child lacks the skills to interact correctly at 3-4 years old. It could be a developmental issue OR a parent not teaching the proper skills. Maybe it's the cartoons he is allowed to watch. Maybe it's a million things. But he's probably not a "mean kid."

Remember to act how you want your child to act--they learn from parents the MOST.

If it were me... I guess if it were really a problem that we couldn't AVOID then I would say, "Sarah (made up that name) would you please ask Tommy (her child--made that up, too) to stop hitting David (my child--yup, that one, too)? Thanks."

I'd be casual about it. And polite. Because that's how we are in this family. If she was ugly in return, that just proves where "Tommy" gets it. But I would act as if she weren't responding ugly.

If things took a turn for the worse, I'd (politely) say we had to leave and thanks so much for the party.

I do NOT believe in leaving a small child out of a party where everyone else in the class was asked. AND it is a terribly sad thing for children to pass out party invites at SCHOOL when EVERYONE isn't invited. Luckily, this hasn't ever happened at my children's school, but it's something WE do in our family--everyone is included if invites go to school (otherwise we'd mail).

At this age I suspect he is not a bully he just doesn't have the tools to deal with situations in a manner that doesn't involve hitting, pushing etc. Most kids go through this stage around 2-3 when parents usually step in and teach them a more appropriate way to deal with socializing with other children.

Either the mother doesn't know how to deal with it, or she doesn't see there is anything wrong with what he is doing. If I was in the situation, I would play referee for a bit,

Your child has toy other child pushes to take it, tell him that it isn't nice to push, explain why it isn't nice, take him by the hand to his mother and tell her that child pushed and you thought she should be made aware, tell her what you have said to him and then leave it at that. By the same respect, if your child took toy and got a shove for it. Don't automatically side with your child, explain to child that he shouldn't shove your child but also explain to your child he shouldn't take toy if someone else is playing with it. Then as both children were in the wrong take toy and put it somewhere else.

Hopefully by seeing this "mean" child will start to realise that it isn't the way to act. Now I realise that it shouldn't be our place to parent someone elses child and I wouldn't normally get this involved but IF the mother really has not an idea hopefully by bringing it too her attention that it is behavour that bothers other mothers she might start to do something about it.

Kirsten

 

[nicolemomof4cuties]

If your child nicely asking to not b mean doesn't work unfortunately you are going to have to referee the other child. I know because I have been in this situation . Part of being the mom of 4 kids, though.... Hopefully she will get the hint or she will stop being invited places believe me- it'll happen.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Have you talked to the other mom's in the group? I'm sure they're feeling the same way you are. It's one thing if you see the kid's mom genuinely trying to handle his behavior. It's another if she ignores it and refuses to intervene.

Perhaps a well-concerted effort by all of the other mom's in the group might give her a wake-up call. Everyone should watch carefully and step in immediately if their child is being bullied. Pull your child away and say, "Tell so-and-so that you don't like it when he hurts you." Then take your child to another part of the room. No incident with this child should go unnoticed. He and his mom need constant correcting until his behavior diminishes (which is probably will unless he has some underlying condition).

 

[grlpwrd]

Okay, so There is a child that is in a group with my son and he is very mean and physical. Hits, shoves, grabs he is just a bully, these are 3 and 4 year olds! The mom will not handle it at all. How do I deal with this? The mom does see this, just will not correct it.
I am very frustrated, we will be at a party with this child today.....AHHHHH!!
Any tips??

Is this a scheduled playgroup type of thing or something informal?

Normally I would say take it to the organizer/person in charge of the group, but I have no qualms with correcting the other child. You just have to do it diplomatically.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

3 is totally old enough to understand, "You're being mean so we won't play with you. IF you stop acting like that THEN we can all play together." The basic logic of "If/Then" is well within the grasp of a pre-schooler.

Exactly. My 2 year old understands that. Those who think a 3-4 year old can't understand this boggle my mind. I knew a parent like that and her kids were nasty and mean because she insisted that they just didn't understand. Yeah right. Every other kid there understood. How come not hers? Please.

 

[nessz79]

Exactly. My 2 year old understands that. Those who think a 3-4 year old can't understand this boggle my mind. I knew a parent like that and her kids were nasty and mean because she insisted that they just didn't understand. Yeah right. Every other kid there understood. How come not hers? Please.

Let me clarify. Ok, I said that I didn't think a kid this old could really be reasoned with, but I meant if they were not your own child. A child who is not used to having boundaries, etc, in MY experience doesn't really listen to what I have to say to them.

I have intervened for my children when they are being bullied, but I rarely address the child that is the bully. If the parent refuses to correct their child (rare, but happened before once or twice), I will tell their child "Don't hit him." A look in the eye paired with that is always enough. I don't reason with them.