How to decide whether or not to have 2nd child?

[lecach]

I am 38 and my Dr. said that if we're going to have another child, we should probably try this year. DS is 2 1/2. I haven't been able to get rid of any of his stuff since I just wasnt sure yet. Here are some of the things we've talked about:

-We have enough room in our new house.

-We have lots of family support.

-DS is so precious, how could we not have another?

Financial issues (we could handle it but would have to be a lot more careful):
-Daycare for an infant is $240 a week. So that would be a bit tough since DS's class is already $187
-We wouldn't be able to vacation as much as we do now
-We would have to budget more. No more just buying something because we want it
-current job doesnt have great maternity leave - would get about 6 weeks paid at 70% after taking 2 weeks with no pay

-DH travels a lot during college football and basketball season (sportswriter) so I would be a single Mom a lot

-I was a single child and think I turned out okay. DH has a sister and always thought he'd have 2 kids. I never really thought about it.

-I am worried that due to my age, my child could have health issues. I am TERRIFIED of Downs Syndrome.

-do we have the time and energy for 2 kids

As you can see - we're all over the place. Really on the fence. How to decide?

 

[jenrein]

One reason why I am so happy to be 30 and my youngest is 7. Only 11 years to freedom and I will still be young enough to enjoy it. Also my last child was a decision I wasnt able to make so that helped with the thought process. She is proof that the depo shot is only 99.999999% effective!

Now to get to your question....I think that only you can make that choice. It sounds like you have a lot of good and bad involved. I think 38 isnt all that old that you need to worry more than you did when you had your first. I think age wise for siblings it would be the best time- mine are all 2 years apart and its been great. I wish you luck!

 

[mommytobug]

HI I wanted to post although I am probably not much help. I cant have bio kids and we adopted our now 8yo dd. I wanted a house full. I am now 39. We have tried to adopt again but have not been successful. We are not rich by any means but we are blessed to do extras. I was stressing so much about this. But, I have decided to just "live" and stop worrying. DD is happy the way things are. We are all very close and we travel "well" together. I am terrified of a kid who would wake up EARLY and also one who did not like to go...............but again I have learned to just be happy with what God gave me. You do what you want to do. It sounds like all your reasons are for the one but maybe not. Please dont let people tell you that thinking of the money is not right, I wish more people would.

Ok, see, I did not help you.

 

[earthyfamily]

I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to this as far as what other people have to say. I can say that I have three precious little ones. I wanted at least 12. After some really rough pregnancies, we decided not to have anymore despite our intense desire for more. Then a couple of months ago we thought sure let's have more after all. We really took a step back and thought if we didn't have one of the kiddos that we have now, life wouldn't be the same...however add another child into the picture and again...life wouldn't be the same. For us the perfect family that we have now is enough. We are content and perfectly happy. We are the best family ever, we stick together, we get through things together as a family and we never leave one another's side. I couldn't make this a better family if I tried. So we decided that we will definately not be having anymore children. We have our life figured out, what we want, what we're doing...and another child just does not fit in to the picture. Another child for us wouldn't cost us anymore money, we cosleep, breastfeed, do hand me downs, homeschool...I can't think of another expense that another child would add...but it just doesn't fit into what we want to do with our lives.
I don't think that I can say yes having another child sounds like a great idea for you, or no that's a terrible idea, what were you thinking? All I can say is, take a step back, look at your family and decide if another child would add something to your family that it's currently missing. Does another child make sense for what you want out of life and what you have planned for your life? My family will be moving onto a sailboat in a couple of years, and so no a baby and a sailboat just doesn't sound like a good idea.
So step back, take inventory of your life and what you want out of life and then decide. Make an educated decision I suppose. I hope that makes sense.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I hardly think 38 is too old to be having more children. These days a lot of women are having babies well past that dreaded 35+ age category. I don't think there is much you can do about birth defects, I had my kids young and I still worried just as much then as I would now. For us, it wouldn't change anything, I'd just figure that this is how it was meant to be for us. As for finances, I totally envy the person that says they carefully planned out each child and made sure they were financially sound first. My theory is that you usually live within your means, so if we had more money to spend we'd be living accordingly (not like we would necessarily save that much more), we'd obviously take a hit to the lifestyle no matter what-whether it be spending money or saving money. I could stand to give up plenty if I wanted to (I may kick and scream, but I'd do it! ) Very tough call to make. You have to do what you and your DH feel is right for your situation.

 

[lecach]

All I can say is, take a step back, look at your family and decide if another child would add something to your family that it's currently missing. Does another child make sense for what you want out of life and what you have planned for your life?

This is a good point. I can't say that a child would ADD something we're missing - but it would surely take away. We're lucky to be able to travel. This weekend we're taking DS to the mountains to see Thomas the Train. Even though it's not far away, by the time we pay for 2 nights hotel, food, and tickets we're looking at $350 easily. With another child we'd probably have to really rethink those plans.

I guess I worry that if we decide not to have another - we'll regret it later on. But it's also possible we have another and regret THAT decision later on.....

Did I mention that we have a tough time making decisions ?

 

[SandrainNC]

Don't rush into it if you are not ready. A lot of people have children in their 40s now with no problems.

I am worried that due to my age, my child could have health issues. I am TERRIFIED of Downs Syndrome.

I assure you, it is not the end of the world. I would not trade my oldest son for ANYTHING. (My youngest either of course)

Sandra

 

[lecach]

I assure you, it is not the end of the world. I would not trade my oldest son for ANYTHING. (My youngest either of course)

Sandra

I hope my comments did not upset you. I have nothing against Downs children.

 

[SandrainNC]

No, I'm not upset. I just think a lot of people don't know a lot about Down syndrome and assume the worst. I assure you, my son being a 2 month early premie was way scarier!


Sandra

 

[TheDizMom]

No one can tell you whether it's right or wrong for you because we aren't you. This is something that is solely between you and your husband. Only you will know if it will truly work for your family. I will say that some of your cons are the cons most people have when deciding to have another child. I can't say that having a second child really affected our lifestyle that much more then having 1, other then the added expenses of course. If you start that child along the path you already follow it will adapt and move right along with you. As for the single parent aspect, I understand that fear. My DH is in the car business, and for the first 3 years of our second childs life and a good portion of our older child's early years, he worked 9-9 4 days a week and Saturdays 8:30-6. I was alone with 2 little ones a lot more then I wanted to be, was usually wiped out by Thursday night, and often joked I was a single parent. I also wouldn't have had it any other way because his long hours enabled me to be a stay at home mom, which was the choice we had made for our family, as both my DH and I had moms who stayed home. I am guessing that since you site daycare as a issue, you work too, so it does add a different aspect, but I think many times I'd wish I was working just for a little adult conversation . You are lucky too that you have a lot of family support, so should you decide to go for it, you can lean on them when your DH is out of town. As for the age, I have had a lot of friends and family members who have had children when they were older then you and things have been fine. True the risk is higher the older you get for certain birth defects, but those numbers don't really jump until past 40. In any case there is no guarantee no matter what your age that your child will be 100% healthy. It is a risk we all take every time we conceive a child. You have to really decide that should that happen would you love the child less. If the answer is you would love your child regardless of any possible birth defects then that argument needs to be taken out of the equation. It isn't a valid argument then, as far as I am concerned. If you aren't so sure you can deal with the possibility (and lets face it a lot of people don't feel they can, and that's OK), then you really need to do some major soul searching and decide how you would deal with it before you have a second child. Finally just because your doctor says do it now, doesn't mean you have to, unless your health could be jeopardized if you wait to long.

Good luck with your decision. I think you and your DH need to spend more time discussing it and searching your hearts and you will come up with the answer.

 

[NotUrsula]

Unless you have some documented fertility problem, your doc is being a bit on the alarmist side, though I'm not saying you should wait forever. Miscarriage does get more common the older you get, but most of the time that is nature's way of preventing serious birth defects.

Your chance of a trisomy is not all that much higher now than it was 2.5 years ago; you passed the big percentage milestone at the 35 mark. Also, remember that no matter HOW old you get, the chance of NOT conceiving a child with a trisomy is still much higher than your chance of conceiving a child who has one, and the truth is that the majority of trisomy pregnancies miscarry by 14 weeks. This worry is handled very simply: you have a CVS test if you need one.

The financials are the biggest issue, but if you are able to deal with that, I don't see that you have too many negatives on your list at all. Do start taking serious amounts of folic acid (about 1000 mcg daily) just in case nature takes its course and makes the decision for you.

 

[lecach]

Actually I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in 2003 in the 9th week. Had to have a D&C. It was Trisomy 16 I think. I know the Dr. said that it was a fatal trisomy, no hope for a child to survive it. She did say it was not likely to recur - but that doesn't mean I don't worry.

I have also had fibroids (had a very large one removed in 2001). So that's probably part of my Dr's concern.

Bottom line is that I feel pressured by what the Dr. said. I plan to talk to her about it at my yearly physical in 2 months. I just don't feel I can make the decision TODAY. We need to do a lot more talking and thinking.......

 

[belle&beast]

Only you can know what is best for you and your family. That being said, I don't think you are too old for a second child at all. I am a preschool speech pathologist and my personal experience is that I work with kids with Down Syndrome whose parents are in their 20's and early 30's- not high risk at all.

My experience is that having our second child made a great impact on us financially. Of course I have a girl and a boy and they were born in summer and winter, so even the neutral clothes we had were in the wrong season. Day care costs doubled and so does the cost of something simple like going out to eat. But, we wouldn't change it for the world! Our kids are the best of friends and our son is such a sweet little guy! We had planned on having 4 children when we got married, but we are complete with 2. Good luck in your decision!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

This might sound harsh...but do whichever one will leave you with less regret. Either way you go, down the road you will think about the other. I just had my 2nd (8 months old) after 5 years of having an only child. Though I knew financially we would be more strained and my relationship with my oldest would be forever changed, I knew that I would regret terribly if I only had one child. I had always wanted at least two babies and the payoff was worth it. But when I think about having a 3rd, I know that financially and emotionally it isn't a good idea. While I know I will I always think about the what ifs, I am confident in my decision. Good luck whichever way you go. It's important to think things through. But, I agree with your doctor. I wouldn't wait too long. For both the baby's health and your own. I know, I am in the minority...But while it's true that women "can" have babies in their 60's it is still not the ideal. (and I am not trying to be mean, so please don't hate me!)

 

[NotUrsula]

A previous trisomy only raises your odds by 1% above what it would otherwise be, unless your child had what is known as a translocation, which can have a hereditary cause. (You and your DH can test for that, though.) It sounds to me like it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to speak to a genetic counselor about this part of it, if you didn't do that in 2003.

The fibroid thing is a bigger issue; worrying about that makes a fair amount of sense.

 

[SandrainNC]

Yes, like others said, I was 30 when I got pregnant with my son. It happens more often in that age group, because there are more people having babies overall in that age group.

This worry is handled very simply: you have a CVS test if you need one.

Just an FYI, there are people out there in line waiting to adopt children with Down syndrome in the U.S. The above is not the only answer for people who feel they are not capable of raising a child with Down syndrome or any other disability. I just simply do not believe in selective parenting/pregnancies. I'm not saying termination in general. I mean people who want a baby and then do not want it anymore if the child is not "perfect". My baby was my baby no matter what. But that is just me of course. And he is absolute "perfect". Whatever the heck that means anyway.

Sandra

 

[disney ambassador]

We debated having another child also. I had seen a quote "You always regret the things you don't, not the things you do". It seemed true to me so we went for it. This child was well planned and well wanted as we ended up having to do fertility treatments, had a miscarriage and then eventually (2 years later) concieved on our own.


I do love my child, but I can tell you that I now wish I hadn't had a second. It has made life much more difficult and she is a difficult child and I no longer have any patients (not that I had much to begin with).

It is a decision only you and your dh can make, but realize it is life changing. And not always for the best.

I did not read others posts so I have no idea what has been said or if you have actually decided anything.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I am 37 (will be 38 in Oct), have a 3.5 year old little boy. My husband will be 40 this year. We are sooooo all over the place with this, so I totally know how you feel.
My husband says we're too old, we're too settled in our routines as a family of 3, we're almost done with the daycare expenses, we're not overwhelmed or outnumbered so why upset the applecart so to speak. But I think about it often. I was 1 of 3 kids, my husband 1 of 4. He is close to his siblings, I'm not so close with mine. I don't want my son to be alone or lonely, but at this point if I got pregnant tomorrow, they'd already be 4.5 years apart, so throughout their childhood, how close would they really be? and more importantly, is that a good reason to have a second child?
I also had some health issues - ovarian cysts and endometriosis (TMI I know) so getting pregnant was a bit of a challenge for me the first time.
I too am scared of having a special needs child. Special needs children need very special parents. I'm very realistic (to a fault) honest with myself, and I don't think I could handle it.
Regardless, I can't stay on the fence much longer. Good luck with your decision. I know EXACTLY how tough it is.

Edited to add: disney ambassador's above post really hit home for me.
I really think I could live with the regret about not having a second child, but don't think I would want to raise a child I regret having. Does that make any sense??

 

[NotUrsula]

I mean people who want a baby and then do not want it anymore if the child is not "perfect".

It isn't about wanting or not wanting, and it isn't about "perfection" either -- no human being is "perfect" as that is the nature of humanity.

Genetic testing is about being aware, making informed decisions, and taking into account the needs of your entire family. The test doesn't make any decisions for you, it just gives you the knowledge you need to be able to make them. Trisomies can be accompanied by many possible complications, and not every parent has the ability to accept and manage all of them; especially those which may put a mother's health in serious danger. The CVS is an early test that allows parents the time to make an informed decision without a need to rush into anything; it is an important option for people who need to think things through carefully, no matter how they may eventually decide to proceed.

 

[emh1129]

I'm so glad we decided to have a second when we did. It wasn't the most logical decision in terms of finances (things were tight, but manageable) but it was carefully thought through.
When I see them playing together and laughing those big belly laughs, it just makes my heart swell. They are just real buddies