How to Deal With...

[PolynesianLily]

I have wanted to ask this question for a while, and because I don't want to bother my mom with this, and nobody on the Teen Board would understand. How do you deal with someone who has cancer?

My dad's brain cancer recently returned, and he is going for treatment when we get back from our Disney trip in May. We was first diagnosed with it in 2005, and it is the type that regrows.

I want to be strong for him because he is my life, but a part of me is ready to break down.

Anyways, I don't know what I can do to make my dad feel comfortable, I can see that he is hurting, but I don't know what to do.

I just thought maybe if someone has dealt with someone else having cancer, that maybe they could offer some advice.


Thank you

 

[TI double GGER]

My heart goes out to you, I have no answers just

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

I am going to follow this thread. We found out last week my grandmother has cancer, we don't know what type , just that it is lymphoma. She is going Tuesday for a PET scan to see what stage the cancer is and where it is at in her body. It is so hard! My heart breaks for her and for myself! I love her so much!

 

[Birdman1511]

I am very sorry to hear about your father.

My Grandfather passed away from stomach cancer 2 years ago. For nine months the most painful part was watching him get worse and worse, while knowing that its just unpredictable as to whats going to happen. I really can't explain how to deal with it. I think everybody deals with it in their own ways.. I know I did. To me, I just couldnt face the music. I just couldnt bare to see him in pain. I did everything I could to take my mind off it and went through a lot of sleepless nights.... my daily lifestyle and activities pretty much doubled. Stay strong, have hope and faith...And remember, you're surrounded by so many people who will always be there for you through the worst and the best.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your father and the rest of your family

 

[pearlieq]

The most important thing to remember is that he's still your dad. Everything he was before the cancer came back, he still is now.

It's hard to deal with a loved one having cancer--the loss is hard, and so are the ups and downs of not knowing.

It's OK to talk to your dad about a lot of what you are feeling--how much you love him, how scared you are, etc. You're still his child and he still wants to be your dad. If he isn't up to talking or is too upset himself to talk sometimes, there are other people you can turn to, such as:

your mom (you won't be bothering her)
aunts and uncles
older brothers and sisters
grandparents
godparents
teachers
coaches
priest/minister/rabbi
friends of the family

You could also see if they have any programs for families of people with cancer at the hospital where your dad is getting treatment. They often have a support and education group for family members where they explain what's going on, what the treatment is like, and how to cope with the feelings that come up.

Lots of people have been where you are now. While you are unique, you're probably feeling and thinking the same things that thousands of people affected by cancer experience. There is help out there.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Having gone through something similar with my dad, I want to say I am so sorry your family has to go through this. The best piece of advice I can give is to tell you not to be afraid to talk to your dad about your feelings and his. Don't pretend that everything is a-okay, because it isn't. When families do that they bottle everything up and hide from the truth, and it isn't good for anyone. Ask your dad how he's doing and feeling. Let him know you care. Take the time to talk about anything and everything. Spend time together doing simple things like watching a movie. Just be there, as that's all he really wants.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I wish I had some good answers for you. My mom was very sick and passed away when I was in my early 20's, though it wasn't cancer. It was very scary, but I mostly just tried to act normal with her, and spend time with her. She didn't want us to dwell on it, she just wanted to live her life. I made sure to tell how much I loved her and appreciated everything she did for me.

My advice would be to cherish every moment and make sure nothing is left unsaid.

Hugs to you. It's so hard to see a parent so sick.

 

[pearlieq]

Here are some ideas for coping when you're feeling stressed, and some things to try to avoid. Someone shared this with me and I found it helpful.

Don't beat yourself up if you occasionally do something on the "bad" list--no one is perfect and we all have less than stellar days. Forgive yourself and try to stick to healthier coping mechanisms as much as possible.

Coping Strategies: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good:

Talk to someone
Pray
Sit still and take several deep breaths
Work out
Take a walk to clear your head
Write in a journal
Draw or color
Work on a hobby like knitting or puzzles
Watch a silly, mindless TV show
Go to a funny movie
Play with little kids
Pet a dog or cat
Drink a cup of hot tea
Be kind to yourself--make your favorite dinner or buy your favorite shampoo
Listen to your favorite music
Punch or scream into a pillow
Do something nice for someone else
Get a hug

The Bad:

Eat a whole bag of Oreos
Sleep all day
Watch 12 straight hours of TV
Yell and snap at people
Stop caring about school/work/sports/interests
Spend lots of time thinking "If I'd only..." or "I should have..."
Ignore the issue or pretend it doesn't exist

The Ugly:

Abuse drugs or alcohol
Have random/unsafe hookups
Hit or hurt people
Hurt yourself

 

[RNMOM]

I'm sorry about your father. I would just like to agree with those who say to go ahead and speak with your father about your feelings. Just because people don't talk about things doesn't mean they don't exist.

Take time to talk with your dad and if you need to, cry. You might be just the person he needs to vent his own feelings to. I'm sure he is worried about you and how you are handling things. You might also want to have conversations with your mom on your own too. Some people will be more able to share than other people will. Do your best and keep telling him how much you love him. It is important for him to hear this.

 

[PolynesianLily]

Thank you all.
I'm very sorry for those who have been through something like this with cancer before and thank you all so very much for your advice. My family and I sometimes watch movies, and they always make my dad laugh so much which makes me happy because it's nice to see him laughing.

Thank you all once again very much. It is very nice knowing that I can turn to here if I ever needed help or support. You are all very nice people

 

[NMAmy]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. You've gotten some excellent advice here--the best being to talk to both of your parents about how you're feeling. Your dad is the same guy he was before and I'm sure your parents are wondering how you're handling this and what they can do to help you.

My very best wishes for you and your family.

 

[minkydog]

Maybe you could start a conversation with him "So dad, I just wondered if we could talk about cancer? Something is bugging me." If he wants to talk, he will.

You don't need to dance around it. He knows he has cancer and I"m sure he's worried about a lot of things, including how you're handling it. It's okay "not to handle it." When my dad had lung cancer I was mad as hell! Nothing about it was fair and his cancer wasn't curable. Opening up the door to talk gave my dad the opportunity to make peace and repair some relationships. Don't be afraid to say "Dad, I"m mad that this is happening again." He probably feels the same way.

Bottom line is, don't keep your feelings to yourself. As a parent, I am more heart-broken when my young adult children *don't* talk to me about their fears and hurts. I'm a full believer in getting it all out there. Once you name your fear it's easier to deal with it. And I'm sure your dad would love to help you deal with it. It's what daddies do.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are a brave young woman.

The only advice I have is pretty much all I remember from when my late FIL was dying from leukemia.

Let them be scared.

Of all of the things that haunt me, or that I feel I could have done differently, this is the one thing I remember.

I was also young when my late FIL was fighting his battle, I was 20. I didn't know what to say, how to act... everything felt awkward or wrong.

My late FIL had been given a 30% chance of survival, and he really focused on that number.

I remember a specific time, right before he had his stem cell transplant, when we went for a bikeride. Halfway through, we stopped for water, and he brought up his 30% chance again.

Now that I am older and look back, I know he was terrified. I know he knew he was going to die, and there was nothing he could do.

At that time, I THOUGHT what he wanted from me was to tell him it was all going to be alright. I remember feeling so uncomfortable as I just kept telling him, "You are going to be fine."

If I had it to do again, I would have let him be scared. I wouldn't have tried to make him feel what he wasn't feeling.

 

[minniebeth]

It's ok to have all the different feelings there are: sad, scared, angry, and it's also ok to still be happy with things that make you happy and laugh!

It's ok to "fall apart" for a little bit, cry, scream, punch your pillows, shout "it's not fair!". Any healthy was to cope with falling apart is ok...stay in bed for a day, or sleep extra extra, eat ice cream, runnnnnn as fast and as far as you can, exercise.

....and then after a little bit, pick up the pieces, put your happy face on, and just spend time loving your dad and family.

MAKE MEMORIES, now! Get a journal, and for as long as he can, write back and forth to each other in it. Sometimes it's easier to write the feelings you have for each other than saying them. Write silly things, like what's your favorite color? What was your favorite memory when you were a kid, dad? Things like that. That way you will always have something special to look back on from him.
Take lots of photos...

And laugh!! Find funny movies or joke books. Share time together eating your favorite things.
Make every moment together count, no matter how long he has here on earth, whether it be one hour, or 100 more years! And just let him know how much you love him!

 

[TheDisneyGirl02]

I am so sorry to hear about your dad's cancer coming back. It's a tough situation to have to deal with regardless of your age.

I belong to online community called DailyStrength.org. There are many people on there who have been through what I have gone through (I had an accident several years ago and I'm still dealing with it) and it's wonderful to be around people that know how you feel. I know for certain there is a section for cancer. I hope you can find some comfort there because it has really helped me. I actually learned about it on the Dis.

Best of luck.

 

[manning]

I had cancer 17 years ago. you realize that one day you will die, today, 5, 10,20 30 years from now. After you get beyond that get down to living. In other words live in the moment, don't worry about what will happen tomorrow because it will happen no matter what. Squeeze in all the happy times you can. You will laugh and cry but above all you will live for the moment.

Good luck and best wishes.