how to deal with too MUCH family?

[DisneyMama27]

DH and I love sharing our love of Disney with family and friends! That said, once you get them hooked, how do you get them to do it on their own?

Last summer we rented points to DH's cousin, knowing the extra space would make their first Disney trip so much more enjoyable. Coincidentally, we were there at the same time and ended up spending every day together. We had a great time, and the 6 kids all got along well, so we decided to plan to go together again (more their decision than ours, but we were good with it). We rented them points again and made our dining plans together. All was fine until Cousin's brother decided to go...and then DH's brother decided to go....all at the same time as us!

Our first thought was "the more the merrier" but this is not a group of 17 that spend a lot of time together or even get along that well. We attempted a couple of whole-group activities, but they felt rather awkward and forced, and resulted in US being caught in the middle since a couple of the families didn't want to hang out together. We get along with all three families, but it's much easier one at a time! Anyway, we still had fun and Cousin even bought DVC points!

SO...here's the problem: Cousin wants to take his DM next summer, but still booked at the same time as us. That was OK, even though we would really like to enjoy a trip with "just us" since we have not had a non- extended family trip in several years. THEN, DH's brother decided they too want to come AT THE SAME TIME! Brother and Cousin do not like each other much, and they both tend to get offended if we try to plan some time for just our 5. We really don't want to be caught in the middle again, we don't want to discourage them from going to WDW, we don't want to ruin family relationships, and we don't want to give up time for just our family since our kids are getting older now and we want to enjoy them while they still like us! (I know, that was a terribly long sentence!)

Right now I want to bail out and go somewhere else for our summer trip and do WDW at a different holiday. I think the other families need to develop some vacation independence, since they tended to let us lead the way the whole time. I would definitely go again with Cousin's family, and we do a lot with them throughout the year anyway - DH is just worried it will make them mad if we change our plans and it will end the relationship (which I think does not say much for the relationship if it is really that delicate). I love WDW with newbies, but we also need some time to enjoy it the way WE want to. We did "train" Cousin's family to take breaks every afternoon for swimming, relaxing, etc. and they loved the more laid-back approach. It just wore us out dealing with 3 very different families at the same time.

(BTW, MY family all loves Disney and we had a great time with 12 of us in a GV a couple years ago, and they live close to DLR now, so we always enjoy that when we visit them....DH's family doesn't "get it" so he's been excited about sharing the Disney love with his relatives, which is why he walks on eggshells around these issues)

Any advice from the "been there, done that" crowd? I feel my BP rising every time I think about being there again with everyone! I'm sure it could work out fine. This summer DH's brother's family shared a villa with us, but next year they will probably stay in a value resort, and are more likely to do stuff on their own. Cousin's family booked a THV and may be fairly busy with his DM. I wouldn't mind planning a couple of meals or swimming days with them (we will be at a different resort), but I really want time with my DH and kids without everyone else along!

 

[allshookup]

If I was going w/ an extended family like that I would just have to insist for my own sanity that my family had a bit of alone time. I would tell them straight out, let's sit down & plan a few activities & dinners, but you want to spend some time w/ your kids while they are still young & like being w/ Mom & Dad. Take it from someone w/ 2 teens, the dynamics start to change fast & although they still like to vacation w/ us, it is not the same excitement and they like to take off on their own more & more.

I think you had it right that if they can't understand that, then they are not being reasonable & I just cannot cater to people like that. Life is too short & if you spend it bending over backwards for other people, you will have missed out on some great opportunities.

Also some ideas are to change things up a bit. Maybe hit the parks earlier than you usually do, or leave early saying you guys are just wiped & hit the pool. My DD & I even escape my DH & DS every trip by going off & having tea at the GF while they go do their "manly" stuff together. It ends up being my DD's favorite part of the trip & my DH is not offended. He also agrees that they need some one on one time w/ us & gives us all a "break".

 

[Sammie]

Every family is different but when we bought our DVC we told no one in our families. We knew it would end up being nothing but a nightmare as experience at family gatherings such as Christmas had warned us what it would be like, when everyone tried to get on the same page.

I wish you luck, having DVC is sometimes like winning the lottery, once word is out the relations come from everywhere.

 

[teacher2525]

My friend had this problem and she ended up booking a trip and not telling a soul. They went and had a great time! The family was upset but they got over it.

 

[PHILCT]

We all know who we can go with and love the experience of Disney!

We also know the other people who we are a little nervous about, how they will behave, and whether or not they need to cling to other people.

We also know that whoever we invite to be with us is 99 percent of the time getting a gift of DVC from us.

My recommendation is don't invite outside family members or friends often.

But when you do invite them, the first thing you must get them to understand and promise to is NOBODY else is going to be added. They must clearly understand that. Don't let them structure your schedule, invite them to be part of YOUR schedule. If possible just invite one family or one couple.
If you really enjoy that one family or couple, plan as much or as little as you want with them. Be clear of what your needs are for Dining, Park, Pool meet-ups.

The number one rule: Make sure they know and agree where they will sleep in your planned vacation with them. I have had people say "Don't worry, I can sleep anywhere". The next day they come out of a bedroom that they shared with a known snorer and beg you to find them another DVC unit.
(They never, I mean never, get the ear plugs I suggested month's earlier).
Make sure that if they agree about staying on the sofa pullout, that they sleep on the sofa pullout. I usually won't invite anyone unless I have a bed for them. The more added family you pack into the Disney maximum number allowed per unit, the more potential trouble can happen. Space means bliss!

If they like to sleep late, and you like to do command runs on the parks, don't ever plan any daily activities with them, but maybe plan an occasional evening meet up or pool meet up. Don't let them control your schedule.

If they do volunteer to give you money, don't take it, but instead let them know if they want to treat for a meal, that by all means go ahead, you do deserve this, your gift to them is very nice and kind.

Finally if your not sure how considerate they may be about going, and that they are of the type that questions why DVC doesn't put out clean towels every day, make the bed, or put a chocolate on the pillow for them, then really DON'T INVITE THEM. They may bring up how they got daily service at a moderate resort, why doesn't DVC. (I want to throw them out the balcony when they say that).

And unless it is your idea, NEVER NEVER rent points to them, tell them they are all planned future vacations for just you and your immediate family.

But if your family is more closer to Heaven than mine, you will have no trouble at all.

Bless you and your extended family and friends gathering !


Phil

 

[ToddyLu]

My MIL and parents have been with us several times...in fact the last time DH and I were in WDW alone was 2006. Now that we own DVC MIL went last year and had her own studio. We had our own studion. I made ADRs for us but the rest was not scheduled. Actually it is nice to have her there and she will be joining us in Dec, once again with her own studio. She and I are planning to do ICE and the HDDR..while DH does his thing...ususally pic taking in AK. Last year she did several things on her own and made a point to do all four parks in one day...alone. She loved it.

My parents went with us in 2008 and we stayed in adjoining rooms at Pop. I had to plan a little more with them since they had not been to WDW in since the opening of AK. After two days with us and they had the lay of the land...I suggested that tour the monorail resorts alone and we would meet up with them later. They had a great time. My Dad doesn't want to spend the same amount of time on their next trip...He was Disneyed out. Not Mama, she loves to go, go, go. Now that we own DVC I am planning a trip again with them in 2011. I have explained to Daddy that it will not be the same type of vacation. I realize they are getting older (74 and 68 when we travel next year--but very youthful), so I have tried to explain that they will have nicer accomodations and the feel of commndo will be slightly less with a deluxe resort. There are more amenities to enjoy. I see may Dad getting back to AKV, having a Jack and Coke and setting on the Balcony while Mama stays with us in the parks. It will just be a different vacation. They get that and are so fun to watch. So many people see Disney through the eyes of their children. DH and I get to experience it through the eyes of our parents, which is special, too.

 

[ToddyLu]

Ohhh and unfortunately DH and my brother and SIL do not see eye to eye. They tolerate each other but there is no way DH would be able to do WDW with them and their precious 5 children in a villa. I do not talk about DVC around them very much and if they want to go at the same time as us...that would be on them and of course we would be cordial but it would be a very stilted trip for DH.

 

[wbl2745]

If I was going w/ an extended family like that I would just have to insist for my own sanity that my family had a bit of alone time. I would tell them straight out, let's sit down & plan a few activities & dinners, but you want to spend some time w/ your kids while they are still young & like being w/ Mom & Dad.

I wanted to second this advice. You can't control who makes reservations when, and since it appears that the group trip is already planned, I'd politely and firmly propose that the families meet for specific group activities (a dinner, dinner show, a firework display...) but that for the most part people go about their own business.

My experience with groups, either family or friends, is that the more people you try to herd at once the worse it gets. Some people are commandos, others are laid back. Some walk fast, others slow. Some have to do every single thing, others not so much. Trying to herd everyone into a single model is just asking for trouble.

We've been to both Disney World and Disneyland with a group of friends that we dearly love, but our traveling styles are very different. We've found it best for people to do what they want and then coordinate with cell phones when we want to get together. In April we shared a 2-bedroom DVC with another couple and a single friend. We had the single woman sleep on the fold out couch in the livingroom (she knew this up front). It worked great. Since the DVC units at the Grand Californian have 3 full bathrooms in the 2 bedroom units everyone had their own bathroom. Some got up really early and other late. We just coordinated with cell phones when people were ready to get together.

Good luck!

 

[ToddyLu]

We just coordinated with cell phones when people were ready to get together.

Good luck!

Agreed, I wonder how many trips have been saved by the trusty cell phone.

 

[nolanboys]

My two suggestions are to start off a couple of mornings together and do a few attractions together and then go your separate ways. This worked well when my parents took all of us twice - with 23 of us all together. Also, when we took my in-laws and my DH's sister's family also came with, it helped that we had a day by ourselves after they left. Maybe stay a few days after everyone else leaves to enjoy your own family. We had a great time with everyone, but it was great when it was just the six of us!

 

[Mickey4me!]

SO...here's the problem: Cousin wants to take his DM next summer, but still booked at the same time as us. That was OK, even though we would really like to enjoy a trip with "just us" since we have not had a non- extended family trip in several years. THEN, DH's brother decided they too want to come AT THE SAME TIME! Brother and Cousin do not like each other much, and they both tend to get offended if we try to plan some time for just our 5. We really don't want to be caught in the middle again, we don't want to discourage them from going to WDW, we don't want to ruin family relationships, and we don't want to give up time for just our family since our kids are getting older now and we want to enjoy them while they still like us! (I know, that was a terribly long sentence!)

Right now I want to bail out and go somewhere else for our summer trip and do WDW at a different holiday.

What's wrong with just being honest and telling your cousin/BIL that your family will spending time just as a family and so will not be joining them every day? As others have suggested, plan a dinner together but don't try and co-ordinate all your days based on the other families. If cousin or BIL don't get along and don't want to join in a group dinner/activity then fine - they don't have to. Shouldn't mean that you have to devote different evenings to different families. It's their issue, not yours. As far as "causing a rift" you wouldn't be causing one - they would be. Don't let yourself be the victim here. It's entirely within your control. If you still feel you have to structure your vacation around their's then ask yourself this question - Why you would sacrifice your family's happiness for theirs?

We invited my DS, DBIL and their 2 kids, my DB, DSIL and their 2 along with my mom to join me, DH and our 2 teens at WDW in Dec. 2000. Every family had their own accommodations - 2BR for us, 1BR villa each for my DB and DS and a studio for my mom. Now, we love each other dearly but someone would have been dead by the end of the week if we had spent all our time together. We had a couple of dinners together and all attended MVMCP but that was about it. Each night we meet at the pool for drinks and would discuss what we had done that day as well as what plans we had for the following day. If some of us wanted to hook up we could, but it was by mutual agreement. Had a great time and were still speaking to each other at the end of the week.

Good luck and I'll be interested in hearing how it turns out!

 

[crisi]

Yep, simply tour on your own. There are two things to remember....

1) You don't get to control when other people you know go to Disney. If they pick the same time as you and you aren't excited about spending time with them "wow! Maybe we will run into each other" - if you are more excited about it your response can indicate anything from dinner plans to making room requests next to each other.

2) Other people don't get to invite themselves along on your vacation. When they do, the response is simply "sorry, we promised ourselves a vacation with "just us." Maybe next time.

For people who are persistant, you may have to ditch them.

It sounds like say "gee, we've decided to do something else next summer." And then book over the Halloween party or Christmas or Spring Break or something else when you want to go.

And tell your husband to look after his OWN family - the ones his lives with. He is not obligated to share his Disney expertise with his extended family - it sounds like his cousin can step into the roll. The other people are grownups.

 

[Stinger5]

I wanted to second this advice. You can't control who makes reservations when, and since it appears that the group trip is already planned, I'd politely and firmly propose that the families meet for specific group activities (a dinner, dinner show, a firework display...) but that for the most part people go about their own business.

My experience with groups, either family or friends, is that the more people you try to herd at once the worse it gets. Some people are commandos, others are laid back. Some walk fast, others slow. Some have to do every single thing, others not so much. Trying to herd everyone into a single model is just asking for trouble.

We've been to both Disney World and Disneyland with a group of friends that we dearly love, but our traveling styles are very different. We've found it best for people to do what they want and then coordinate with cell phones when we want to get together. In April we shared a 2-bedroom DVC with another couple and a single friend. We had the single woman sleep on the fold out couch in the livingroom (she knew this up front). It worked great. Since the DVC units at the Grand Californian have 3 full bathrooms in the 2 bedroom units everyone had their own bathroom. Some got up really early and other late. We just coordinated with cell phones when people were ready to get together.

Good luck!

This post says it all. I agree with every part.

 

[DisneyMama27]

Thanks for all the advice!

I certainly don't want to play the victim, or let someone else bully me out of my own vacation. Just curious how other people handled these situations (though I know every family is different!)

Just to be clear, the only family that have shared a villa with us were DH's brother, sister-in-law and 5yo niece. We did invite them to stay with us once they decided they really wanted to go, but were concerned about $$$. We had a THV and had plenty of room, and it wasn't for our whole trip. Now, we wouldn't plan to do that again, but not because anything awful happened - they were pleasant guests and seemed fine to do their own thing if we decided to do something different. It's just not easy to share living quarters with family.

I am not sure what we will end up doing. We are due for a CA trip, so if we don't make it out before next summer, we may change our plans ("last-minute") to go out there instead and visit family, go to DL.

I agree with all of you that it is their own problem if they want to be offended that we want family time. Whatever we end up doing next summer, I am NOT sacrificing that. (Poor DH...we just have more fun with my family, and he was trying to find that kind of fun with his too!)