How to deal with a depressed child?

[Miniefan]

I'm really at a loss here. For the first time ever I really don't know what to do to make things better. My dd 10 is really really depressed, and nothing I say or do seems to help, I really don't know what to do. How can you help your child feel better? Do I contact the school and see if there is guidance counselor that can talk to her? I don't know what to do and I feel really helpless. I've asked many many times what is wrong and if there is something going on at school but nothing is what she says. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Kim

 

[mrsv98]

I'm really at a loss here. For the first time ever I really don't know what to do to make things better. My dd 10 is really really depressed, and nothing I say or do seems to help, I really don't know what to do. How can you help your child feel better? Do I contact the school and see if there is guidance counselor that can talk to her? I don't know what to do and I feel really helpless. I've asked many many times what is wrong and if there is something going on at school but nothing is what she says. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Kim

If you believe your child is depressed then you need to get her medical help asap. Take her for a check up at her regular doc and then ask for a referral to a Ped Psychologist. Children at this age can certainly have depression and can be treated with a combination of medication and therapy. Please don't wait, her issues will only increase with the onset of puberty.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I'm really at a loss here. For the first time ever I really don't know what to do to make things better. My dd 10 is really really depressed, and nothing I say or do seems to help, I really don't know what to do. How can you help your child feel better? Do I contact the school and see if there is guidance counselor that can talk to her? I don't know what to do and I feel really helpless. I've asked many many times what is wrong and if there is something going on at school but nothing is what she says. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Kim

I would first check to see if your school has a social worker and talk to them. Then I'd call your pediatrician.

When DH was deployed to Afghanistan, the best thing I did was to get a family counselor for me and DD (then 8). We had personality issues that we couldn't get through (DH was always our buffer), and she was having trouble at school. I couldn't imagine dealing with it for a year without help. The counselor would meet with us together, then DD separately, then back with me. She'd tell him what she wouldn't tell me, and he'd give her tips on how to handle the situation. Then he'd give both of us ways in which we could work with each other.

 

[Agri]

Oh I'm so glad you've asked! I was a depressed child and the way my parents handled it was, well, awful, but there was other stuff going on.

I think it really helps if you step out of it mentally (as in, stop thinking of it as helping *your* child) and think of it as how would you help teach a friend how to cope with depression. If she truly feels depressed, it probably will not be the only time in her life, and being able to identify the signs and symptoms will be very helpful to her.

Don't pry into why she is upset, just sit down with her and try to analyze her feelings with her. Perhaps google a list of signs and symptoms beforehand so you have some talking points if you've seen some in her. Then talk to her about how its okay that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you, but that she needs to find someone she does need to find someone she is comfortable talking with - perhaps a guidance counselor, a teacher, coach, and offer therapy outside of school if she doesn't feel like talking to anyone there.

When all the heavy stuff is out of the way, then talk to her about little things that make her feel better when she does them - maybe its something as small as taking a bubble bath or going to the movies. Maybe even help her make a list and remind her that she needs to do things for herself - especially when she's feeling down. Let her know that she can come to you at any time and say "Mom, I'm having a bad day" and ask for something off the list if she cannot take care of it herself.

My parents expected me to tell them everything and if I didn't, we had a lot of problems. It wasn't always stuff that I was trying to keep secret from them, sometimes I just didn't want to talk to them for whatever reason. I really wish my parents had taken my bouts with depression more seriously and explained them to me - that extended sadness isn't okay and guided me into how to deal with it. Sort of just treat it as one of those "must do" parenting talks without going into detail as to why she's currently feeling that way - she'll probably still be a bit standoff-ish about it, but treat her like an adult and work out a plan together and she'll appreciate it for life.

I just wanted to add that my parents pretty much just shoved me into counseling when I didn't talk to them and while it helped having a counselor, it didn't help that it was pretty much just taken care of for me without explanation. At her age, she's old enough to be part of the process and needs to understand why xyz are being done. Most depressed people do not realize they are depressed themselves - especially not the first time around.

 

[Anna_Marie]

Yes by all means contact the guidance counselor and if that doesn't work then get her in with a therapist. I was severly depressed and anxious as a child and no one did anything. My childhood was miserable. I still suffer from anxiety and depression but I take meds and go to therapy which helps a little.

I just wish my mom would have thought or known to get me some help.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm really at a loss here. For the first time ever I really don't know what to do to make things better. My dd 10 is really really depressed, and nothing I say or do seems to help, I really don't know what to do. How can you help your child feel better? Do I contact the school and see if there is guidance counselor that can talk to her? I don't know what to do and I feel really helpless. I've asked many many times what is wrong and if there is something going on at school but nothing is what she says. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Kim

I have dealt with depression with my dd. I quickly got her in to the psychiatrist and on medication. Instant improvement for sure.

She also saw counselor who dealt with anxiety well. I get recommendations at my peds office. I did this after a few months of being on the meds because it became clear that she needed a counselor.

The meds plus the counseling was a lifesaver for her.

The school guidance counselor is aware of my dd's situation and will step in to help if she is struggling. It is awesome.

I have been told that when she enters HS next yr to tell dd not to be shy about her issues and to get support from the guidance there as well. That is good to know.

So bottom line mom, you MUST seek outside help everywhere you can.

 

[Miniefan]

I'm going to call the school and see if the guidance counselor can speak with her and see where to go from there. I don't have all the answers, probably because I've been depressed lately too, but something about seeing my daughter that way just makes me want to fix it, but I can't buy her a pony ya know, lol!?! Thanks for you replies. It really helps.

Kim

 

[RainbowBrite]

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17. My mother would keep asking me what was wrong and the problem was - there was nothing that was really wrong, I just felt so depressed that I couldn't pull myself out of it. A friend finally went to the school guidance counselor because she knew I was cutting and they called my mother, who got me to a therapist. It helped a lot, but I did have to go on anti-depressants. Those helped the depressed feelings a lot.

 

[pat fan]

Please get your daughter to a licensed counselor/psychologist,psychiatrist asap. NOT a school counselor (overworked, the lowest bidder and possible bias if it is in part a school problem, no offense to school counselors).

My DS was diagnosed with depression around the same age, and it took 3-4 years of counseling to get him on a good foothold in life. He still has some struggles, but is SO much better, it's like a different kid. He was NEVER violent, but because of his depression and the fact that some of it came from being bullied at school I just knew he could become one of those kids who go in and shoot up his school/classmates. Not because he was crazy or mean, but because he felt he had no out and no future. PLEASE get her someone to talk to, it could save her life or someone else's. Good luck

Let me also add, that if after a reasonable amount of time there is no improvement and no real communication from the counselor, GET ANOTHER ONE! Just as you may have to go to a couple DR's to find one you are comfortable with, the same must be done for your child. She may not "like" the counselor, or his/her style may not jive with your daughter. Whatever the case, don't be afraid to try someone else. On the flip side, switching every 2 weeks would be pointless and more harmful, IMO.

 

[Pembo]

Contact a child psychiatrist!

Your school counselor should be able to give you some help with names of places to call but I just called my insurance company to find out who is on our plan. Child psych's are few and far between in our area.

Good luck to you and your dd.

 

[Imzadi]

Both of you should get full medical check ups. You may have a medical problem that is hereditary. Have her blood tested, as well as her iron & thyroid levels. Watch what she's eating. Certain foods can trigger depression. She could have Seasonal Affected Disorder. It might be as simple as getting one of these areas fixed.

Sometimes, a child will act out or mirror a parents depression or anxiety. As you said, you can see it easier in her, than your own.

Also, as hard as this is to read, check for signs of molestation or sexual abuse. Is there possibly someone in her environment abusing her, causing her to withdrawal from life?

Maybe she's being bullied at school. She could have toxic friendships and not know how to deal or talk about it. A 10 year old does not the most articulate vocabulary or understanding to be able to talk about what's wrong.

Last, as other people have mentioned, get psychological help, if the none of the above apply.

 

[136368]

Given the young age of your dd, I'd recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy above all else. I would also not shy away from a low dose of an antidepressant. At the age of 14 I was placed on a tiny dose of Dothiepin. It was a lifesaver.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I'm going to call the school and see if the guidance counselor can speak with her and see where to go from there. I don't have all the answers, probably because I've been depressed lately too, but something about seeing my daughter that way just makes me want to fix it, but I can't buy her a pony ya know, lol!?! Thanks for you replies. It really helps.

Kim

Your daughter needs to see a doctor immediately, do not waste time with a school counselor.

Please do not delay.

 

[Magpie]

My son was showing signs of moderately severe anxiety when he was 12 (up to and including breaking out in hives when he got upset). The school was no help whatsoever. Eventually I found a children's psychiatrist on the recommendation of a friend and got my doctor to write a referral so our insurance would cover it.

I was reluctant to do it at first, and I kept saying to myself, "He's fine!" and "He'll outgrow it!" and "It's just a phase!" I had this funny feeling of, "How dare anyone suggest there's anything wrong with my boy!" And I was torn between anger and anxiety myself.

But actually it was a lot easier than I expected. The therapist has helped my son a lot, but even better he's given me strategies to help my boy myself. We've found ways to make school less stressful, and my son's latest assessment shows he's no longer testing up in the severe range - he's showing almost entirely normal levels of anxiety for his age range.

Plus, he's a happier kid!

Depression is different than anxiety, of course, but there's nothing wrong with seeking professional help. I know now that I didn't make my son anxious, and I also know that I'm helping him learn to cope in a healthy way. These are lessons that will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life.

Make an appointment with your doctor!

 

[minkydog]

I'm really at a loss here. For the first time ever I really don't know what to do to make things better. My dd 10 is really really depressed, and nothing I say or do seems to help, I really don't know what to do. How can you help your child feel better? Do I contact the school and see if there is guidance counselor that can talk to her? I don't know what to do and I feel really helpless. I've asked many many times what is wrong and if there is something going on at school but nothing is what she says. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Kim

Call your pediatrician and get a referral to a child psychiatrist. I know that may sound extreme, but depression is extreme. If your child had a heart problem, you'd take her to a specialist, right? She may or may not need medications for this. ,Often, a child needs only talk therapy. This is done by a psychologist, rather than the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist can do some testing, diagnosing, and medications, if needed.The psychiatrist can probably give you some names of child psychologists in your area. If not, you can call your insurance company.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of taking depression seriously. A lot of people think that kids can't really get depressed, but they can. I have seen babies in NICU get depressed and develop bleeding ulcers from all the stress. My oldest son, DS24, had his first bout of depression at age 4. Starting at around 12 he began to have depression about every 12-18 months. We didn't know it then, but he has bipolar disorder. Depression that goes untreated or mis-treated can get worse over time (called "the kindling effect). In DSs case, he had a breakdown at age 17. thankfully, he got diagnosed and treated appropriately and has dtreone pretty well since then.

 

[minkydog]

I'm going to call the school and see if the guidance counselor can speak with her and see where to go from there. I don't have all the answers, probably because I've been depressed lately too, but something about seeing my daughter that way just makes me want to fix it, but I can't buy her a pony ya know, lol!?! Thanks for you replies. It really helps.

Kim

And I agree with a PP, you need to be evaluated too. Depressed parents often have depressed children. Seek out a psychiatrist, not your family doctor. Family doctors are not expertly qualified to diagnose and treat depression. Psychiatrists are experts in the medications--it's a science, not a one-size-fits-all thing. Family docs simply don't have as much education in mental health.

I have suffered with depression since I was 15. I was never appropriately treated and the depressions got worse over the years. I wasn't even diagnosed properly until I was 52, during a severe depressive episode. Since getting the right meds and therapy, I am happier than i've ever been. I feel like I've finally got my life in control rather than being held captive by my fluctuating moods. Good luck to you.

 

[kirbydog48]

Call your pediatrician and get a referral to a child psychiatrist. I know that may sound extreme, but depression is extreme. If your child had a heart problem, you'd take her to a specialist, right? She may or may not need medications for this. ,Often, a child needs only talk therapy. This is done by a psychologist, rather than the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist can do some testing, diagnosing, and medications, if needed.The psychiatrist can probably give you some names of child psychologists in your area. If not, you can call your insurance company.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of taking depression seriously. A lot of people think that kids can't really get depressed, but they can. I have seen babies in NICU get depressed and develop bleeding ulcers from all the stress. My oldest son, DS24, had his first bout of depression at age 4. Starting at around 12 he began to have depression about every 12-18 months. We didn't know it then, but he has bipolar disorder. Depression that goes untreated or mis-treated can get worse over time (called "the kindling effect). In DSs case, he had a breakdown at age 17. thankfully, he got diagnosed and treated appropriately and has dtreone pretty well since then.

This is the answer right here! This is most likely a medical issue regarding brain chemistry. No amount of asking what's wrong will fix it. A good pediatric psychiatrist (M.D.) can diagnose exactly what the issue is if there is one, and prescribe the right meds, if needed. Give the meds a chance to work (often takes about a month), and find a good child psychologist/MSW/LICSW (all "talk" therapists) that she can see regularly. I highly recommend both. You may want to find a therapist for yourself too, as this can feel very lonely and isolating (speaking from experience). Best of luck to you both! Finding the right help is key.

 

[lajones81]

I'm really at a loss here. For the first time ever I really don't know what to do to make things better. My dd 10 is really really depressed, and nothing I say or do seems to help, I really don't know what to do. How can you help your child feel better? Do I contact the school and see if there is guidance counselor that can talk to her? I don't know what to do and I feel really helpless. I've asked many many times what is wrong and if there is something going on at school but nothing is what she says. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Kim

HUGS, OP! I've dealt with similar situations that you have described...myself with depression and the depression of one of my students. It's a tough road, but it will get better!

 

[beachlover9395]

Call your pediatrician and get a referral to a child psychiatrist. I know that may sound extreme, but depression is extreme. If your child had a heart problem, you'd take her to a specialist, right?

^^ This times a thousand! And if your child had diabetes, would you take her to a diabetic/endocrine specialist or a school counselor? School counselors are great for so many things, but not for this. It wouldn't hurt to talk to the school counselor, but ultimately you need to take her to a child psychiatrist as soon as you can get her an appointment. It can make the difference between a good childhood or a bad one.

And yes, it sounds like there could be a genetic component, so please help yourself also. You are the most important person in your child's life and they know when you are depressed even if they don't know what that means.

Please don't "wait this out". Take it very seriously because you don't know how severe this can become.

 

[rie'smom]

Skip the guidance counselor. Take her to the pedaitrician and ask for a child psychiatrist referral. It can take months to get in so I'd do it tomorrow.