How to convince him you don't need a ring..?

[Briarprincess]

So for those of you who don't know my situation, I've been dating the love of my life for four years next month. We're both sophs. in college, I live at home with my parents and have a free tuition to school, he has full scholarships to school, lives on campus at minimal cost and then comes home every weekend and stays with his mom. My family absolutly loves him and can't wait for us to get married (and neither can we )
Ok, so he got a job teaching a third grade class Hebrew on Sunday mornings, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Paid under the table, he was making about $230 a week. He only had the job for about two and a half weeks before finding out the boss was a horrible person who made really horrible remarks about his work ethic and said basically they were doing HIM the favor of giving him a job when he could just as well be working in some fast food joint. He has worked on numerous political campaigns, as a research assistent, librarian, etc. At no job in the past two years has he made less than $15/hr. So after talking it over with me, we decided he should take the research position back, and he's now going to be making about $100 a week for the same number of hours.
Days before he mad the decision, he mentioned to me that he planned to propose before or on my birthday (in July). I asked how he was going to save the money to get the ring we were looking at ($900), and he said that he'd put half away from each paycheck. Well now that's out the window. And I told him I really don't need the ring. There was another one I liked just as much for 1/3 of the cost. And that I didn't even need that for a while, just for him to officially ask. But he won't hear of it. He wants to get me the first ring, and wants to do it before my birthday.
So now we're disagree- I don't need the ring to say yes, and I don't want him to go into debt for it (we have NO students loans for school, so once we graduate, we really will have no debt), and I offered to help pay for it if he really wants to try. He wants to get my the $900 ring and still do it before my birthday without my help.

How on earth do I convince him that I do not need the ring when he proposes? I've tried everything- even telling him that he could just print out a picture for me. I just need him to ask, not risk putting himself in debt for something I don't need.

 

[sajetto]

Wow, thats a tough one. I really think that you should tell him how much you love him and that really don't need the ring yet. You may want to throw him off by saying that the particular ring you liked doesn't have the same appeal to you as it did before b/c you've seen some other styles you like better. I really wouldn't pay for part of the ring if I were you. My reasoning for this is that even if he repays what you put into it you will always remember that you chipped in for it.

It feels so much more special when he slips the ring on you finger and you know he went through a lot to get it. But on the other hand I'm also glad that I didn't know when my DF would propose. I picked the ring and expected him to give it to me Thanksgiving. He got it in October and held on to it for what seemed like forever until he suprised me in front of 30 people at a New Year's Eve party. I'm so glad it was a suprise now.

Just play it off like you want a different ring and play dumb about when he will propose. This is just my advice though, everyone has their own style of doing things. Good luck and good wishes

 

[cheeks605]

Have you suggested that he talk to his parents? They must be thrilled that they do not have to pay tuition, perhaps they could help out? I know a few couples who, without the help of their parents, would not have a ring. That way the money is between him and his parents - you and he would never feel that you chipped in for it.

Good luck to you, I hope it all works out just like a fairytale should!

 

[hiwaygal]

That is tough...

Which ring you have isn't anywhere near as important as the sentiment that ring represents.

When DH was getting ready to propose, our financial situation wasn't the best...I had shown him a couple of rings that were in our price range and that I liked so that he could make the final decision. He made his own decision and got something that was completely unexpected...but still well within our financial means...and other than having to change the setting to fit with our wedding bands, I would not change this ring for anything in the world!!!

Tell your BF/DH2B that being debt free when you start your lives together is so much more important to you. Tell him that ANY ring he uses to profess his love to you will automatically be PRICELESS!!

 

[Briarprincess]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm hoping that when he talks to my parents about proposing (he wants to have their official blessing for it), they'll offer to help him pay for a bit of it since my mom has mentioned it to me in the past. He can't really talk to his parents about- his father passed away four years ago this month, his mom is under stress from her three daughters and she's also making plans to move out of state within the next year. The only money he would be able to get from her would be if she successfully sold the house, he was left 1/3 of the selling cost in his father's will, along with a trustfund that he's leaving alone for grad school.
I'm actually loving the cheaper ring I found. It very unique and personal, and he would probably believe I liked it more once he actually sees this one. My other option, and I told him I was going to do it, would be propose to him. I'd love to have a real proposal, and I know he'll give me one, but to take the edge of for him this might be a good option. He's been really nervous about the whole thing between my parents (who have been nothing but supportive through everything) to money to his "I have no idea what I want to major in anymore." As long as I can get him to relax and take things easy, everything will hopefully work out.
The one good thing about him saying between now and birthday is all the times he could do it- Disney in 28 days, our 4 year anniversary the week after that, anytime in April, weekend trip to Busch Gardens in end of May/June, all of June and then my birthday is the day before 4th of July, so he might even do it then. There's a lot of surprises in that, since by the time next week rolls around, I'll forget he ever even said it

 

[Laurafoster]

We had a similar situation, my fiance was wanting to propose for ages before he actually did. He couldnt afford the ring i wanted and i told him it didnt matter and i would be happy with anything. In the end we made a compromise, i got a beautiful ring that wasnt quite so expensive and he made me wait till he could afford that one lol.

 

[flminivanmama]

do you have either a ring or diamond in the family? my ring was my husband's grandmother's ring & my brother's wife's ring was made from my granfather's diamond... no way would either of us have been able to afford what we have now without that.

also if he can teach Hebrew school someplace else that is really a nice little bit of extra money. I'm 37 and I've been teaching Hebrew school since college - it's always adding a nice little something extra to the budget... there are PLENTY of synagogues in NJ

 

[Briarprincess]

There isn't anything in the family to be passed down as far as I know. My grandfather on my dad's side has nothing as he gave all my grandmother's rings and such to their only daughter after my grandmother passed away. My grandmother on my mom's side has already promised most of her jewelry to the oldest female granddaughter, and I'm not her. We would need to talk to her about it though, because my cousin isn't getting married anytime soon, let alone engaged, so my grandmother might be ok with parting with just one piece.

As for the Hebrew school, there really isn't anywhere else convienent. The school was actually on the campus bus route and there was also someone else from his dorm teaching there who had a car (he doesn't), so there was always a way to get there from school. The same problem here at home with transportation, and no one around here is looking to hire at the moment. He really enjoyed working with the kids and hopes to find something, but for now he's gonna stick with the research job until after we get back from Disney, and then start looking again.

 

[flminivanmama]

ask... it can't hurt

 

[Codie]

You poor thing...I had a very similar situation...I hate to break it to you but the ring is not about you. at least not for my guy--it was all about him. He wanted to show that he could really provide for me by always having me have this big ring (which I succeeded in at least getting not a huge ring)...it's like a guy's car. That's the only way I know to explain it. In my situation, I was able to finally get him to agree (he wouldn't ask without the ring but we did pick a date so i could start planning) prior to getting the ring because we found our dream house. I think it is one of those things where you just need to let him have his space. I filled my year of waiting for the specified date discussing all the options with my SM. I just kept picking a new tentative date...I think she hardly believed me when we really picked a date. The good thing is that when the minimums changed--i was already locked in because I had already been in contact with an sm.

Just a thought--my dh felt a little like he couldn't take credit for my ring, which he picked out the diamond but the setting was my mom's original engagement ring...

well, that's my babbling two cents

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I agree with the other who have said getting you a ring means something to your future DH.

My boyfriends parents won't give him a penny and he does not have a lot of money to spare. We have been together for four years and would love to get married soon. However, there are so many other things going on career-wise and financially that we have to be patient. It's frustrating because we're adults- almost 26, and beyond ready to be an independent couple, but I am still living at home as a way of saving money.

I've told him he could get me a cz ring or a cheaper vintage ring, etc. (I would love to just be *engaged* already!) He gets offended- he says "My love for you is not fake, I'm not getting a fake ring". He is completely set on getting me a large "real" ring no matter how long it takes. Since my parents are older, (late 60's) this makes me so nervous because I'd rather have a less expensive ring and still have them around at my wedding. Each year I wait makes me more and more nervous.

I don't know if I've helped but I think it's great that at least he's settled on a more affordable ring and doesn't need to have an expensive ring as a status symbol. An acquaintence of mine has a 3 carat ring she shows off all the time (and it's ugly, too, BTW) She even said pre-proposal if he gave her a ring less than 2 carats, she'd "throw it at his head". I think it's wonderful that neither of you are that materialistic. You both know the love means more.

Since you two are virtually debt free (which is very unusual at your age, most have student loans) my advice would be to relax, and let him spend the money- view it as a symbol of how much he cares about making sure you are provided for.

If he saves up even a little from his paychecks, and if *hopefully* his parents chip in, you have a perfect scenario. Remember he can charge something each month, pay it off in full- this can buy you a little extra time, if you want. I think that you should let him do the worrying in this case. Be happy with whatever he decides.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[kittythepoohbear]

Just saw your post and it reminded me of my late almost MIL (I too am waiting for the official word since he wants to surprise me.)
My late MIL married later in life and refused an engagement ring. She told her then fiance she would rather have a lovely wedding band than a big diamond on her finger. He complied and she wore that ring every single day after she married, even after he passed away 6 years ago. She passed away this December still wearing her lovely diamond and white gold wedding band.
Perhaps you can say the same thing to your fiance. Save the money now and get an extra special wedding band. Later on, he can give you a special anniversary ring when finances are better.

Good luck!

 

[mrsscooter]

When my hubby proposed to me, he didnt have a diamond. We went out for a nice romantic dinner, champagne, flowers, etc. and proposed. I was tooo excited by the fact that he asked to even notice he did not present a ring...........until after we were done hugging, and kissing, etc. He said that he really wanted to get me a diamond, but he simply could not afford it at the time (father would in no way give/let borrow any money having to do with a wedding with me) but asked that we go look at and maybe get something just as beautifull but more affordable. So, we did, we went to sears to their jewelry counter and picked out a beautiful ruby and diamond wedding ring. We also got married in Florida when his submarine pulled in for a long weekend and I flew down and met the boat and had a JOP preform the svc. at the town hall at Cocoa beach. We always said that someday I would get an actual diamond..............and I did..............to my total surprise when we decided to renew our vows and have an actual church wedding, reception, white dress, etc. and we paid for it all. At the alter, he surprised me with my ring. The best part was that he picked it out all by himself, with no help from anyone, and no imput from me, but he chose exactly what I would have liked. So, eleven years later, two children, married to a navy man, we are just as happy and in love as we were when I was given a "non diamond". Ok, I think I got really long winded here, and may have veered off the path of conversation. Sorry guys.....................moral of the story is, I do agree, you dont need a diamond to get married and be happy. Ok, I think I am done.

 

[BelleMcNally]

My fiance was the same way; he wanted to get me a big, beautiful diamond to "show" me how much he loved me--I just wanted to get engaged! He kept telling me that he knew he wanted to marry me, but he just couldn't propose without some huge diamond ring. I told him, over and over, that he could get the ring from a Cracker Jack box for all I cared--I could never love him any more than I already did.

Luckily, while on vacation with his family, I found a beautiful, pale blue ("cinderella" blue to us DISers!!) aquamarine flanked by tiny diamonds. We were vacationing in Alaska, and it just reminded me of the gorgeous water and sunny skies---I knew this was *MY* ring. I asked to try it on and I felt all hot and trembly, it was the weirdest feeling--I just knew I was meant to have this ring. I told DH2B that this was the ring I wanted...he was very hesitant because it wasn't a diamond and cost far less than a diamond would have... I told him that if he didn't get me the ring, I'd just have to buy it for myself!! That seemed to do the trick, we were engaged that week, and I wouldn't trade my beautiful aquamarine for all of the diamonds in the world.

I think the best route is to convince him that you absolutely LOVE a ring that's less expensive---which you will because the important things is that is came from HIM, not how many carats it has!! Good luck!

 

[DisGuy]

I have to agree with the people that said the ring has a lot to do with him. The ring is supposed to show a couples love and the guy usually wants to give the very best he can. He might worry that other people in the womans life might not take the commitment seriously if the ring isn't great. I've seen it happen before.

I know that you are probably in a hurry to get engaged. I bet he is too. But you should probably just let him do this how he wants. I had planned to get engaged a couple of months ago, but it turned out I just wouldn't be able to pull it off how I hoped. So I waited and now I have had time to save enough to get the ring that she wants and I have a a great day planned for when it happens (which is fast approaching). I'm already much happier about how this is going than I would be if I had tried my old plan without being able to do it exactly how I wanted.

When it happens it will be one of the greatest days of your life, but the more freedom you give him to do this how he wants, the happier he will be about it.

Good luck with everything.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Since you are both going to be college graduates with not debt, let him get the ring that he wants. Save your money and as soon as you are married pay off the ring.