How to become more assertive?

[MushyMushy]

I've really been doing some soul searching lately and want to make some personality changes, but this is something that I'm completely clueless how to change. First of all, I'm too nice (and have been told this numerous times). I have a wicked sarcastic mouth, but I'm really a pushover. I always avoid conflict or confrontation. I have this strong desire to be liked (and I hate this aspect most of all!) Basically I just want to develop a thicker skin, harden up a bit, and learn how to stand up for myself.

Just a brief background: I was extremely verbally abused by my parents growing up and had a pretty long-term bullying situation in high school after being sexually abused. I've had plenty of counseling, which has helped me deal with all of those issues, but there's still this problem of me being a complete mush! I'm getting worse as I get older -- softer, more sensitive, more prone to avoid difficult situations.

Any advice, book recommendations, whatever? Have any of you successfully "hardened up"? I feel a little silly asking this here, but none of you know me, so that makes it much easier than talking to people in real life.

 

[doxdogy]

Believe it or not, I use to just like you. I would let people walk all over me. Then one morning I woke up and said to myself enough is enough. There really wasn't an AHA moment for me. It also helps that my current job requires a tough skin, or the guys I work with would walk all over me. My boss actually jokingly calls me his pit bull (with no disrespect on his part towards me). He just knows that I will not stop bothering people until I get the job done for him.

 

[Bilberry]

You might practice becoming more assertive in giving your opinion at some of the political debate internet chat boards. They can be ruff places. But if done smartly, and insults not taken personally, can be useful learning tools, I suppose.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You have to start saying "NO" to people no matter what. Start small.

Ex. someone asks you for something small like a drink a water for example and you know they can get it themselves. Say "No", I can't do that right now.

Saying "NO" is something you build up and takes practice.

Also realize that being a people pleaser is just another form of anxiety. The anxiety comes in when you say "NO". You have to learn how to deal with that "feeling" of disappointing someone. That is really what you are avoiding. The anxiety issue that comes from saying "no".

With anxiety, you begin small and then success brings success. You build up your "muscles" and then it becomes easier to handle. It will probably always be angsty for you however practice of being tougher over time is what you are striving for.

I would not jump into big stuff quite yet. Start small and work your way up. Esp. look at areas that you want to change NOW and apply some "no" techniques.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

For me, there are two very important principles:

1) There is a big difference between aggression and assertion. Aggressiveness is a turn off to most people whereas assertivness is generally not, if done correctly. And

2) Being assertive also does not necessarily preclude being nice.

I have a wicked sarcastic mouth

It's interesting you mention this. No offense to you directly as online here, you seem very nice, but (I'm being assertive here) I tend to write off people with sarcastic mouths IRL as I've found it, in the people I know with them (ie several family members), to be hurtful. I'm sure for those who have them that in some ways it's a defense mechanism, but I still find it a turn off - for me, personally.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but I sense you're looking for honest opinions and since you say you're completely clueless, maybe you're unaware of how your own way of interacting (whosever fault it is) is turning people off. Pay attention to my #1 because if you develop aggressiveness on top of being sarcastic you might be worse off than you are just being sarcastic.

I think a good book, and one which my father made me read when I was in high school (so it's been a while) is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a classic.

Good luck. I know it's difficult to know what's right when you weren't brought up with right. I respect your efforts to recognize there's an issue and take steps to make positive changes.

 

[MushyMushy]

Believe it or not, I use to just like you. I would let people walk all over me. Then one morning I woke up and said to myself enough is enough. There really wasn't an AHA moment for me. It also helps that my current job requires a tough skin, or the guys I work with would walk all over me. My boss actually jokingly calls me his pit bull (with no disrespect on his part towards me). He just knows that I will not stop bothering people until I get the job done for him.

That's the way I want to be! At my last two jobs, I was fine, but my coworkers were really laid back and we all got along well. Put me in an environment where people are a little more dog eat dog, and I end up rolling over!

You might practice becoming more assertive in giving your opinion at some of the political debate internet chat boards. They can be ruff places. But if done smartly, and insults not taken personally, can be useful learning tools, I suppose.

I really more need it in real life. I can express myself so much better in written communication and the anonymity really helps me give my opinion and stick to it.

Also realize that being a people pleaser is just another form of anxiety. The anxiety comes in when you say "NO". You have to learn how to deal with that "feeling" of disappointing someone. That is really what you are avoiding. The anxiety issue that comes from saying "no".

With anxiety, you begin small and then success brings success. You build up your "muscles" and then it becomes easier to handle. It will probably always be angsty for you however practice of being tougher over time is what you are striving for.

I would not jump into big stuff quite yet. Start small and work your way up. Esp. look at areas that you want to change NOW and apply some "no" techniques.

AH! I never connected that, but you are so right! I have a very difficult time with anxiety and saying no or expressing myself does make me anxious.

For me, there are two very important principles:

1) There is a big difference between aggression and assertion. Aggressiveness is a turn off to most people whereas assertivness is generally not, if done correctly. And

2) Being assertive also does not necessarily preclude being nice.



It's interesting you mention this. No offense to you directly as online here, you seem very nice, but (I'm being assertive here) I tend to write off people with sarcastic mouths IRL as I've found it, in the people I know with them (ie several family members), to be hurtful. I'm sure for those who have them that in some ways it's a defense mechanism, but I still find it a turn off - for me, personally.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but I sense you're looking for honest opinions and since you say you're completely clueless, maybe you're unaware of how your own way of interacting (whosever fault it is) is turning people off. Pay attention to my #1 because if you develop aggressiveness on top of being sarcastic you might be worse off than you are just being sarcastic.

I think a good book, and one which my father made me read when I was in high school (so it's been a while) is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's a classic.

Good luck. I know it's difficult to know what's right when you weren't brought up with right. I respect your efforts to recognize there's an issue and take steps to make positive changes.

I will look into that book, thanks! You have a really good point about aggressiveness vs assertiveness. I know I'm not in danger of being aggressive at this point because I'm just concerned with avoiding difficult situations. As far as my bringing up the sarcasm, I'm really not sarcastic towards people, but I was mainly pointing out that I DO have a tougher streak inside... I just can't bring it to the surface when I'm in difficult situations. I definitely don't use that as a "weapon" or defense, more as humor with friends.

I have this vision of the way I want to be. I want to be the kind of person who, when treated badly, can stand up for myself and say, "I won't be treated like this," rather than rolling over and putting up with it. Or even be the kind of person that the jerks wouldn't mess with in the first place.

 

[kellyg403]

Being assertive to me essentially boils down to being firm and knowing that I 'have' to have something in a logical and no questions asked way.

I have always had difficulty in being assertive in my private life, but I am very assertive in my professional life. Its odd. For me, having a personal relationship with someone throws everything out the window!

So, I always try to remember that my basic core values and needs and wants don't change because I love someone. As a matter of fact, they become more of what I am because I can become easily swayed to do nothing for myself and everything for everyone else! In the last 5 years or so it has become easier for me to be assertive because I always try to think wow, if I do this for this person I won't be happy. I have started to realize that me is a person to!

I grew up a lot like you in a verbally abusive household. Some things I have brought into adult life because of it have helped me a lot. I have a tendency to be a rule player and not much of risk taker until I have thought it out a bit. However, the assertiveness has taken me MUCH longer to overcome. It really has come to the point where I am actually seeing myself as a person who is good and I don't have to have another person's acknowledgement of that goodness to be happy. So, if I have to say no, or firmly state how it is going to be, I am much happier!

Good luck to you!
Kelly

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sounds like some great advice so far!!!!

You said,

I've had plenty of counseling, which has helped me deal with all of those issues, but there's still this problem of me being a complete mush!

Have these areas of self-worth, assertiveness, etc... been specifically addressed by your counselor(s)????
It sounds like it is all linked to the 'seeking approval... frightened to death of rejection' issues that you describe from your younger days.

I think I know what you mean when you say 'wicked sarcastic' mouth... I think that type of thing is a pre-emptive/deflective maneuver. Could definitely be related to the assertiveness thing.

It may seem easier to make these kinds of comments, instead of a quick, clear simple, assertive response on the issue/situation.

I don't think we see this as much in your posts (written communications). So, maybe the sarcasm is a symptom, not a real issue.

I do have to agree with the one earlier poster who said that this really will backfire, and is almost always taken very negatively by those around.