How to balance aging parents & young kids?

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

With the recent decline of my mom's health she was placed in a nursing home. What we thought was for a short stay and some physical therapy seems more likely that we are here for the long haul. It has turned into a very sad unfortunate situation that has me completely overwhelmed. The facility is a 35 minute drive each way. I have been going 4x a week and it really is getting to be so so depressing. The kids are 2,4, and 7 and I am sure it is taking a toll on the oldest. My DH is a saint and provides all the support he can, but there are times he is not home until 7pm so going at night is not the best option. I try to go mostly when the 4 and 7 yo are at school, but this weekend was especially tough. DH is away on business, so we spent the majority of our time with my mom. The guilt is hitting me both ways, if I don't go I feel bad about mom and if I do, I feel guilty for the kids.

Since this is a pretty new situation for us, I am hoping that some sort of "routine" will make it easier.

Thanks for letting me share.

I appreciate any advice.


Laura

 

[Disney Doll]

It is a new situation, and you do need to get into a routine. I also think, while it is good for young children to have some exposure to the issues and realitites of old age, too much can be frightening and overwhelming.

Try and get into a routine of when you visit your mother...Monday, Wednesday, Friday or Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. In addition to assisting you with the planning of your life with your own young family, it gives your mother a sense of concreteness and time, if the staff at the nursing home can say "Today is Tuesday. Your daughter comes today." It is also good for the staff to know that you will be coming regularly and noticing things done or not done. It's also ood to go occasionally on a "non-schedule" day.

As far as your kids...try to not have them go more than once per week. You want it to be a nice visit, not a chore for them. And don't stay long when you do have the kids, as they get bored and fidgety quickly at that age, and that gets distressing for older or ill folks.

Best wishes for a "settling down" in your situaiton.

 

[clh2]

When my grandfather's health deteriorated to the point where he needed to be in a nursing home, we liked to visit him on Sunday afternoons, as there was a variety entertaining things going on in the cafeteria every week. The activities ranged from 1-man bands, polka bands, school choirs, bingo etc. My daughter, 6 at the time, really liked to visit him at these times, and got to know several of the other residents.

I know it is a difficult time, I would echo the comments to try to limit the amount of times you bring your children to visit. If possible, try to visit with the kids during a "fun" time. Also - if you have times when your DH is travelling - is it possible to have one/more of your children stay with one of their friends for a couple of hours?

Good Luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That is a tough spot to be in. Now that summer is approaching you won't have the kids in school and taking them 4X's a week isn't a good idea.

Perhaps you can hire a babystitter for the summer and work something out that way. That way you may fall into a schedule that works for all.

Sorry about your mom.

 

[April76]

My mom was in a nursing home for several months and I can relate to what you're going through.

I found it extremely helpful to get to know the staff that worked in her area and made it a point to strike up friendly conversations with the nurses whenever they came in (especially made it a point to THANK them for their care and patience) -- everyone was important in her days there --- whether they were nurses or custodial -- the staff took the time to be pleasant.

At the beginning and end of each visit, I made a point to stop by the nurses station and ask questions -- and give comments on what changes I saw, etc. It didn't take long before they recognized me and knew that I was keeping track (and this IS IMPORTANT).

Soon, I was able to get on a schedule that was realistic for me and my family --- and I asked the staff to take mom down for special activities (you can get a schedule in advance)... of course, she didn't want to go; but the fact was, she was in a wheelchair and didn't have much choice .

Fortunately, she was able to come back home and now has "good" memories of the nursing home stay !

Take care of YOURSELF.... Hope all goes well for your family!

 

[bballmom56]

First of all . Second, don't wear yourself out completely, because then you are no good to anyone. I have a situation similar to yours, but not nearly as difficult. After my Dad passed away, I had to basically care for my mom who was still in her house (20 minutes away). I felt guilty when I didn't get there as much as I felt I should. It was easier for me as my kids were older (6th grade and 11th grade at the time).

Now she lives with us. Easier in that I don't have to travel, but it does change the family dynamics. She really isn't any trouble, it's just having another person around all the time and making sure she is eating properly. Again, nothing like what you are dealing with. And I am fortunate that my DH is a saint, too.

Do you have any brothers, sisters, or relatives who can help you?

You also need to make time for yourself. Believe me, easier said than done. Even if you could get away for a night it could clear your head and refresh your body. (Speaking from experience!)

Good luck and I'll keep you in my thoughts!

 

[Robinrs]

Welcome to the "sandwich" generation. I was in it for years.

I now work with many of them, since I work for a senior living community. Everyday someone in your position tours the facility, then sits and tells me their story.

My parents were in their 70s when my son was born. They also lived 2 hours away and I am a single parent. I included my son in the care of them, bringing him with me everytime and including him in the activities. He truly loved them and never found it to be a problem or an inconvenience.

After my Mom died we had to be there emotionally and physically for my Dad. We were blessed that he was always in a good mood and easy to take care of. Going to the nursing home became a treat for Michael and he couldn't wait to go see Granddaddy. I also agree to get to know several good staff members and have them keep you informed. It was so good to have someone I could call to get updates on a regular basis.

After they both died we took some of that energy and volunteered to help other elderly people in our community. I am blessed to have found a paying job to continue doing what I think I was made to do.

What I feel I must tell you is to try not to let either source know you're feeling guilty. Your kids must respect your honor to your mother, and your mother shouldn't feel that she is a burden. Realize that your time with her is short and know that every minute is a blessed one. Guilt will not be the burden you will face afterwards, as so many children do, because you did the right thing. You are only doing for her what she did for you.

God bless you, I know how hard it is.

Robinrs