How often do you call

[Mom21]

On the flip side, my DSis is divorced and my niece is 15. She calls my sister constantly when she is with her father. Its a miserable situation and most phone calls consist of "Why can't I come home?" She's not in any danger just bored beyond belief because her father thinks that putting the kid in front of the TV for the entire weekend is quality time. So my sister responds with "Suck it up and ask your father to take you out or something. And stop calling every 5 minutes."

This is my dd and I

We divorced when she was 10 and he didn't get her other than an occasional lunch or dinner for the first year because his ho-ho lived 4 hours away so he went every weekend to be with her. After a year or so I set my foot down to both him and my dd. Oh the crying and late at night begging to come home. All day every day calling and texting. She drove me crazy so in return I drove my ex crazy until he set a nightly time limit (10:30 as I would get calls at 2 and 3 in the morning) and took the phone away.
Now at 13 she forgets I exist most of the time. I just sent her for 9 days to her dad's (Um he lives 15 minutes away--LOL) and one day I had to text her and ask if she remembered she had a mommy. I still get the obligitory "do I have to go?" every Sunday before he comes to pick her up. I say yes; she sighs; off she goes. He and his gf are good to her though or it may be another story. I would never send her off if she were really abused or unhappy.

Other than the few nights ex had to put restrictions on the phone (my request), we don't have limits. He calls when he wants, and she and I talk every day. I can't imagine otherwise.

 

[need2cruise]

I think that's probably true. Can the father speak to the mother without causing WWIII? My ex has his faults but, luckily, neither of us would have had an issue with saying, "Hey, your phone calls are upsetting the kid."

How old are the children? I wonder if they could wait until they're home and then have a conversation with their mom about how the phone calls make them feel.

ETA: Are rules at mom and dad's houses the same? That's also helpful--my ex and I agreed on rules and they were the same at both houses.

Kids have tried and dad has tried. She is the type who won't admit fault or that she makes any mistakes. She thinks the kids want to talk to her all the time and she isn't questioning them she "just cares about them". It has turned into WWIII over this on her end--we refuse to let it get to that on our end. Dad has said, no more cell phones, just call from home phone or my cell if you want to talk to her (cell phones were really causing an issue with texts late night/early morning and kids have to respond right away or they get in trouble), that way they can't get in trouble for us being too busy for them to respond. (side note--one year we were opening gifts at christmas w/ family and she kept on texting and texting, kids finally quit responding and then the phone calls started on why they couldn't text during gift opening)


As for same rules, her house doesn't really have "rules". She is very strict on silly things, like kids can't watch Disney channel, or pretty much any show besides shows that are Little House on the Prairie or Wonder Pets(they are 12 and 13), bedroom doors can never be shut (they have to change in the bathroom and not bedroom), can't date till they are 25 (this is not a joke, they can only date when they decide they are ready to marry), can't ride a 4wheeler, can't drink more than 1 glass of milk per day, etc.
Our house, there are certain shows that they can't watch that just aren't appropriate, but I'm fine with Icarly, etc. We allow them to ride the 4wheelers, to shut their bedroom doors and (gasp) have more than a glass of milk or even allow a 2nd helping of something when we are eating! I think dating at 16 is fine, though I wish they'd wait and even having a boyfriend/girlfriend at school when they are younger doesn't make me mad, it's part of growing up. However, we have additional rules at our house, such as chores, not making fun of people (they do this a lot at their moms), treating others with respect, getting homework done, etc.

 

[kimblebee]

My daughter knows she can call home whenever she wants when she is at her 'dads' house. I use quotes because the guy does the bare minimum so to me he doesn't get to be called dad.

When she was younger 4-5 she would call every time she was over there, which was usually once a week but now that she is older (almost 10) I usually don't hear from her.

When she was younger, around 5, he tried to get really involved in her life and said he wanted to talk to her every day. I thought this was great because I am constantly telling him to be more involved. He swore up and down that he would and that talking to her every day was the best part of his day. The only catch was that he wanted her to be the one to call him. LOL Believe me, a 5 year old is not worried about checking the clock to make sure she calls her dad. He called every day, for 4 days and then gave up. He doesn't talk to her unless she is at his house.

I could vent for pages and pages just based on what happened this past weekend LOL

 

[need2cruise]

We have thought hard about revisiting custody and haven't ruled it out completely. One thing we keep coming back to is, school. She has put them in a private school and it would be impossible to keep them in it with the other kids in our house going to public school. Both schools start the same time but the private school is about 40 minutes from our house. Would it be right to pull them from their school?

Also, it isn't that she doesn't love the kids and doesn't take care of them, she is just over controlling with them and doesn't take into account their emotional well being at all. I know that is harder to prove to the courts (I am a CASA for our courts) and with how old the kids are now, in just a year it'll be easier in court when they can add their voice to where they want to live. The kids would love to do a split custody situation but the mom would never go for it, it would be an ugly ugly court battle.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a really rotten situation with no good solution. I have a feeling that eventually the kids will ask her to back off a bit.

 

[NHdisneylover]

What a terrible situation for you all to be stuck in. I am so sorry for you all.

 

[mtemm]

rather than court, would the mom agree to a co-parenting session with a therapist and your dh? sounds like there are some disagreements that need to be worked out, and that might be a good place to work thru them so they benefit all parties

 

[kellyg403]

Ex and I have been divorced for about 11 years. The kids were small, 2,4,6 at the time. They would call me several times during visits, wanting to come home etc. They had a hard time because dad was deployed a lot and sometimes when he came home it was like starting their relationship over and over again. I would just remind them they love their dad, he is having a hard time going from being a single guy to a dad too, so try to solve it between themselves. EX and I had some heart to hearts over the situation.

Now they are 14,16,18. They usually go with dad and stepmom about 10 days a year to wherever they are stationed. I rarely hear from them. I might drop a text to dd to make sure everyone is fine but other than that no phone calls at all really! I really think they stopped the calling once stepmom came into the picture, honestly. She is very good to them and plans things for them to do when they are there, so honestly there isn't time. Now, texting their friends is a whole other thing!

As for rules, what rules dad has at his house are dad's rules. What mom has are mom's. I actually am a lot more lax in certain rules now that they are older. I had a hard time when dad would take them dirtbike riding. I actually had to stop myself from banning the practice when someone came home bruised and scrapped. But, that they are seeing different things. I would never take them dirtbike riding because of the safety issue. I am not called Mrs Safety for nothing. So, taming my issues helped a lot in that area, because I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt them. He has all the safety equipment, they went to a safety course so he did try to make it safe as it could be.

This is one of those situations where mom doesn't have a clue what damage she is doing. I understand parental involvement but at 12 and 13 they aren't allowed to watch the Disney Channel? Its a hard situation to be in because the kids will suffer if mom finds out the parents broke the rules for the kids. The phone thing, wow, couldn't even begin to figure out a solution for that.


Kelly

 

[need2cruise]

rather than court, would the mom agree to a co-parenting session with a therapist and your dh? sounds like there are some disagreements that need to be worked out, and that might be a good place to work thru them so they benefit all parties

We actually suggested this last time we were in court. She is very adament against counseling of any kind for herself or the kids. The judge even said, I could award counseling, but until she is ready to admit that shes in the wrong and want to fix herself, it won't do any good.

Thanks for the support. I felt awful thinking that I was horrible for thinking a mom was calling their child too much. It wasn't till I wrote it all down that I realized my vent wasn't about the amount of calls, but it was more about why she was calling and the affect is has on the kids.

Last night, she was texting me, going off about them not having their cell phones and how they will resent us, as well as telling me how awful I am and how awful dh is since he doesn't call them everyday,etc. I told her, they can resent us all they want, but there has to be boundaries in life. If she has a problem with the house rules, she needs to call dh because I am a neutral party in this and am there for the kids and their best interests.

 

[PatsGirl]

Both of my kids' fathers were non-custodial, e/o weekend with a week or two in the summer parents. When they were with their father on the weekend I never called unless it was urgent, I did feel they deserved uninterrupted time with their father. When they went for week-long visits, I visited and took them to dinner mid-week. I did this only until I felt they were old enough to call me if they wanted to talk (about 10 years old) and were old enough to be away from home for extended periods of time.

On the other hand, I welcomed any phone calls to them when they were at my house, especially the first day of school, birthdays, Xmas morning before the presents were opened, all the special occasions. I also encouraged dinners out during the week and other non-scheduled visits.

I would have been upset had either ex called every night or expected us to drop everything to take a call for no good reason. DD's father wanted to have contact without the middle man (me) so got her her own cell phone. Honestly, it sometimes irks me that he calls and makes arrangements with her about certain things without passing them through me first but she is now 13 1/2 and she usually checks in with me before giving him an okay. On the times that she hasn't I've called him and explained that I STILL make the decisions for her and he needs to double-check with me before firming up plans that aren't part of his visitation arrangement.

 

[helloirishkitty]

We have DF's son (he's 12) 99% of the time. She calls once every two weeks... and most of the time, it's because DF's son calls her and she calls him back.

 

[smb6]

My xh talks to kids almost daily. The oldest always talks to him, the younger ones are usually not interested and I never force them. If we are busy or it is an inconvenient time, I simply don't answer the phone and I'll usually send a text saying were busy, I'll have them call you later. They hardly ever go for visitation, but when they use to I hardly ever called. I would sometimes send a text just asking if everyone was ok.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Not from a divorced family either, but my dad's work kept him away a lot. He would call every night at the same time. Maybe you could work out an agreement to check in every night (there could even be a time limit if calls are daily - 10-15 min max?) or every other day.

However, excessive texting is definately intrusive. There's no need to check in every hour when the kids are away. I understand being worried and all, but there's no reason to be in touch that much. Dad should be able to have his QT with the kids without major interruptions unless there is an emergency. Mom seems to be a bit overbearing...

 

[Pakey]

For me, my ex-husband was non custodial and lived in another state. When my son would go for his twice a year visits, I talked to him every day.

My current husband had joint custody of his two sons and we had them a week on/a week off. Both parents talked to the boys every day, regardless of whose house they were at.

The boys are grown now but the arrangement worked for all of us through all of the years they were minors.

 

[sunnyday123]

I talk to DD everyday when she's with her father. When she's home, there is no limitation on when she can call him or he can call. He lives about an hour away and if he's near us, he'll call to see if he can stop over to see her, or take her somewhere for ice cream or whatever. I've never had a problem with that -ok sometimes it annoys me, but he's her father and I wouldn't deny her access to him because I think he's a giant doofus.

He did have gf who thought DD should have "boundries" as to when she spoke to me-as in, never when she was with her Father. She went as far as taking a phone from DD and hanging it up. Needless to say, I took care of that real quick.

I do find it hard to believe that the picture is all sunshine and puppies when the kids are with the father, but the mother is evil and doom, calling all the time with inane questions and grounding them for stuff happening at dads, but everything there IS sunshine and puppies. There are two sides to every story, especially in situations like this.

 

[need2cruise]

I talk to DD everyday when she's with her father. When she's home, there is no limitation on when she can call him or he can call. He lives about an hour away and if he's near us, he'll call to see if he can stop over to see her, or take her somewhere for ice cream or whatever. I've never had a problem with that -ok sometimes it annoys me, but he's her father and I wouldn't deny her access to him because I think he's a giant doofus.

He did have gf who thought DD should have "boundries" as to when she spoke to me-as in, never when she was with her Father. She went as far as taking a phone from DD and hanging it up. Needless to say, I took care of that real quick.

I do find it hard to believe that the picture is all sunshine and puppies when the kids are with the father, but the mother is evil and doom, calling all the time with inane questions and grounding them for stuff happening at dads, but everything there IS sunshine and puppies. There are two sides to every story, especially in situations like this.

I never said things are all sunshine at our house and that everything is peaches and cream? I'm talking about a situation that is bugging the kids enough to where they are going to their aunt and grandpa about their mom and afraid that if they do what their dad lets them, their mom will take him to court and get in trouble. This incident happened when they stayed all night at their grandpa's and rode the 4wheeler in the yard. They wanted to but were afraid to because their mom would specifically ask them if they rode it and then ground them for being on it....(the 4wheeler was their christmas gift one year and as much as they love it, they can't enjoy it because they know their mom will question it).

I don't mind the calls. My dd calls her dad daily. I think it'd be great if we could get along, (we have before until we quit going to her church--that in itself was a mess cuz the kids got a call right after church and was told they were in trouble for us not taking them to church that day--so we ended up switching churches because of that). The difference is the amount of questions and what she is asking. Sorry, but it's NOT normal to call and ask if we sleep in the same bed (her and her dh do not), ask every thing we have ate that day, what we were watching on tv, what book I am reading, what size my clothes are, etc. It is NOT ok to ask them to take my bank statement to bring home to her (yes-true and was found in their suitcase--she wanted to know how much $$ we had because I had just bought a boat). Dh calls his kids about once a week when they are over there, he works 2nd shift so he can't really call more than that and I can say, I've NEVER heard him question them about the things she questions them about. He doesn't care what SHE is doing. He asks things like, how was school, anything you want to do when you come over, hows the kitty doing, etc.

If she would just call and talk to the kids instead of quizzing them, then she can call several times a day, every day. Just be understanding if we are busy and they don't answer/respond right away. I am all for an open communication and getting along. I have that with my ex, we have never even set foot in court. It's always been about dd from the beginning.

 

[need2cruise]

With the schedule the kids are on, when dh picks them up Friday, they have already spent till 6pm with their mom. Then when they go home Sunday, they have the rest of the evening with their mom. Dh technically gets only 2 days a month that he doesn't have to share that day with his ex. She gets about 15 days that she doesn't have to share. Is it really that hard to go a whole day without calling? Especially when it's your own kids wanting to have a free day away from 1000 questions where half doesn't even pertain to them?

I forgot to add, that one day a week that dh calls them, their mom eitehr doesn't let them answer, or she will answer and say they are busy and never has them call back.

 

[sunnyday123]

I never said things are all sunshine at our house and that everything is peaches and cream? I'm talking about a situation that is bugging the kids enough to where they are going to their aunt and grandpa about their mom and afraid that if they do what their dad lets them, their mom will take him to court and get in trouble. This incident happened when they stayed all night at their grandpa's and rode the 4wheeler in the yard. They wanted to but were afraid to because their mom would specifically ask them if they rode it and then ground them for being on it....(the 4wheeler was their christmas gift one year and as much as they love it, they can't enjoy it because they know their mom will question it).

I don't mind the calls. My dd calls her dad daily. I think it'd be great if we could get along, (we have before until we quit going to her church--that in itself was a mess cuz the kids got a call right after church and was told they were in trouble for us not taking them to church that day--so we ended up switching churches because of that). The difference is the amount of questions and what she is asking. Sorry, but it's NOT normal to call and ask if we sleep in the same bed (her and her dh do not), ask every thing we have ate that day, what we were watching on tv, what book I am reading, what size my clothes are, etc. It is NOT ok to ask them to take my bank statement to bring home to her (yes-true and was found in their suitcase--she wanted to know how much $$ we had because I had just bought a boat). Dh calls his kids about once a week when they are over there, he works 2nd shift so he can't really call more than that and I can say, I've NEVER heard him question them about the things she questions them about. He doesn't care what SHE is doing. He asks things like, how was school, anything you want to do when you come over, hows the kitty doing, etc.

If she would just call and talk to the kids instead of quizzing them, then she can call several times a day, every day. Just be understanding if we are busy and they don't answer/respond right away. I am all for an open communication and getting along. I have that with my ex, we have never even set foot in court. It's always been about dd from the beginning.

Well then you need to take her back to court,asap. What she's doing is basically mentally abusing them and trying to drive a wedge between their father and them. Also, I would sit down with the kids, and explain personal information, and whats allowed to be discussed. If you have to monitor the conversations with them, so be it. I'd also suggest counseling as family to maybe get her to see what she's doing.

For what it's worth, I'd have a problem with small kids on a atv as well. I have a friend who's daughter fell off and was run over by one, and she'll need plastic surgery again and again.

 

[need2cruise]

Well then you need to take her back to court,asap. What she's doing is basically mentally abusing them and trying to drive a wedge between their father and them. Also, I would sit down with the kids, and explain personal information, and whats allowed to be discussed. If you have to monitor the conversations with them, so be it. I'd also suggest counseling as family to maybe get her to see what she's doing.

For what it's worth, I'd have a problem with small kids on a atv as well. I have a friend who's daughter fell off and was run over by one, and she'll need plastic surgery again and again.

We tried to get a judge to order counseling--he wouldn't because he recognized the mom wasn't going to change her ways. Things got better after that for awhile when we started all going to church together. But now its bad again, I think thats a great idea and we should probably revisit it and call to see about going. I am a CASA, so I see this in the cases I've assisted with over the years where a parent tries to ruin a relationship with the other parent. It is VERY hard to prove in court and is just now really being recognized in the mental health field. Some judges won't even listen when PAS is brought up in court. Would counseling at their ages be beneficial? I know they are protective over their mom and sometimes lie for her to keep her from looking silly.

I do understand about the atv thing, believe me, I am STILL paranoid at times when they are on it (used to work in the ER and have seen so much from them). But I did educate myself on them, most of the accidents are kids being careless, jumping, going into a sharp curve way too fast, etc. The kids have a huge field at their grandpas that doesn't have the hills to jump, and is pretty much straight line up and down and then they turn at the other side and start again to the other side. There isn't any more danger in riding an atv this way then her allowing them to ride their electric scooters up and down their curvy road. Now, if they ever do anything stupid on an atv, they are done and it'll have a for sale sign on it immediately.

But since you brought up being worried, I can say, anything we do worries her! lol I wanted to buy a trampoline one year for Christmas. She said she didn't like them and was worried about it. So, didn't buy the trampoline. She turned around and bought them one that same Christmas. Also, the boat, she told the kids not to ride in the boat with us. Had them so scared to be in that boat that the 1st weekend we took them out, they didn't bring their swimsuits cuz they didn't want to get in the water. So, off we went, it wast 20 min later, they were wanting to tube and have enjoyed it ever since. They said she told them that they would drown, their was water snakes that would chase them, and something else I can't remember right now.

I can understand fears. But why transfer them to your kids? Their dad is a safe person, actually takes less risks with them then she does. But somehow, it's ok for her and not him?

 

[sunnyday123]

With the schedule the kids are on, when dh picks them up Friday, they have already spent till 6pm with their mom. Then when they go home Sunday, they have the rest of the evening with their mom. Dh technically gets only 2 days a month that he doesn't have to share that day with his ex. She gets about 15 days that she doesn't have to share. Is it really that hard to go a whole day without calling? Especially when it's your own kids wanting to have a free day away from 1000 questions where half doesn't even pertain to them?

I forgot to add, that one day a week that dh calls them, their mom eitehr doesn't let them answer, or she will answer and say they are busy and never has them call back.

She's trying to control your life. And seems to be doing pretty well. I'd demand family counseling. I took DD and she called my ex in and didn't hold back when she told him what he was doing was impacting our DD in a bad way and he needed to stop. And he did. We've also been divorced 6 very happy years, and he's passed (most of ) his bitterness.

In no way is she permitted to deny him the ability to reach his children when she's with them. I know in our custody agreement, it stipulates that during the time with each parent, there must be a way for them to be reached, and the other parent has to supply the needed information if vacationing.

If all else fails, I'd not let her talk to them a day or two when their with you. I know my ex has done this because his ex gf (same one from prev post ) didn't want DD talking to me at all. It became a whole different ball game when she was with me, and he couldn't reach her. Also, kill her with kindness. I'd make sure I answered when she called and would be very, very nice to her. Not sarcastic-sicky sweet, but nice. As an added bonus, it might break down some walls between you all.

The every-other weekend is tough, I don't know how the non-custodial parents handle it honestly, but as the residential parent, I want to check on my DD every day-not because I don't trust her father ( ok, sometimes I think he's a big idiot ) but it's just the Mom in me.