How not to "tar someone with the same brush" (long)

[happybratpack]

I'm coming to the wise and all-knowing DIS to get some thoughts on my situation.

I had posted on here a few months ago under an alias about the end of my relationship. At that time I was too humiliated to go public with it, but now I'm to the point where I'm coming around to the idea that what happened was his problem and not mine.

Long story short, 8 year relationship, we were supposed to be married at WDW last month. He took a job out of town on the weekends several months ago which included a week long trip to Palm Springs for contract work. He has two kids, I knew he hadn't seen them in quite a while because of the work situation. (I had not seen them since our Spring Break WDW trip) So I emailed his ex-wife (we have a good working relationship over kids) and asked if I could pick them up so they would be at the house as a surprise when he got home that night. I immediately get an email back asking what was going on, he picks the kids up every weekend with his new girlfriend. I can honestly say I know what it feels to be hit by a freight train.

Come to find out he had met someone months before, the weekends he was "working" he was actually in town here with her. The Palm Springs trip he had gone to Disneyland on was with her. You guys can probably understand better than anyone the betrayal that he went to "our" Disney with her and texted me pics all day from the park. (Supposedly he went with work people) It was literally lie after lie after lie for months.

OK, so this story wasn't short.

Fast forward to now, I'm moving on (albeit slowly) and have been dating here and there. I have met someone pretty wonderful and I like him a lot. That said, I'm having a really hard time trusting my judgement. I catch myself questioning or discounting things he says to me, his compliments, expressions of affection, etc. I don't want to be like this. He doesn't say it, but I know it bothers him that I do this but I can't help it.

I have no reason not to trust him, he's been very open and honest about everything. He knows my past, I know his. I don't want to "tar him with the same brush" but I keep doing it. How do you get over this and move on?? I don't want my past to ruin my future relationships.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I guess this was more of a rambling post than a question but hoping someone out there has some advice.

 

[C.Ann]

Time..

Your reactions are completely normal.. It was only a month ago that you were supposed to be married.. That's not something you can just brush aside - let alone the betrayal on top of it.. It's going to take time..

Have you been honest with the person that you're seeing now? I'm sure that if you explain the situation and discuss it at length, he will understand.. Tell him you need time to heal and ask him to be patient..

Look at the first saying I have listed below..

It's going to be okay.. Slow and easy..

 

[focusondisney]

I'm coming to the wise and all-knowing DIS to get some thoughts on my situation.

I had posted on here a few months ago under an alias about the end of my relationship. At that time I was too humiliated to go public with it, but now I'm to the point where I'm coming around to the idea that what happened was his problem and not mine.

Long story short, 8 year relationship, we were supposed to be married at WDW last month. He took a job out of town on the weekends several months ago which included a week long trip to Palm Springs for contract work. He has two kids, I knew he hadn't seen them in quite a while because of the work situation. (I had not seen them since our Spring Break WDW trip) So I emailed his ex-wife (we have a good working relationship over kids) and asked if I could pick them up so they would be at the house as a surprise when he got home that night. I immediately get an email back asking what was going on, he picks the kids up every weekend with his new girlfriend. I can honestly say I know what it feels to be hit by a freight train.

Come to find out he had met someone months before, the weekends he was "working" he was actually in town here with her. The Palm Springs trip he had gone to Disneyland on was with her. You guys can probably understand better than anyone the betrayal that he went to "our" Disney with her and texted me pics all day from the park. (Supposedly he went with work people) It was literally lie after lie after lie for months.

OK, so this story wasn't short.

Fast forward to now, I'm moving on (albeit slowly) and have been dating here and there. I have met someone pretty wonderful and I like him a lot. That said, I'm having a really hard time trusting my judgement. I catch myself questioning or discounting things he says to me, his compliments, expressions of affection, etc. I don't want to be like this. He doesn't say it, but I know it bothers him that I do this but I can't help it.

I have no reason not to trust him, he's been very open and honest about everything. He knows my past, I know his. I don't want to "tar him with the same brush" but I keep doing it. How do you get over this and move on?? I don't want my past to ruin my future relationships.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I guess this was more of a rambling post than a question but hoping someone out there has some advice.

Hi! I remember your "other" post & I'm glad to see you doing well!

I have never been in the position of being so betrayed by someone I loved. So I can't give any advice based on that experience. But just from a common sense point of view, it hasn't been all THAT long since your relationship broke up. I would just continue to give it time. Take the new relationship slow. Explain to the new guy just how badly you were treated & hurt & that it will be awhile until you are fully "recovered".

Hopefully, the new guy is as great as you think he is. And he'll give you the time you need to trust him completely. Best Wishes to you!

 

[Luvchefmic]

Maryann: I recall your other post too I'm glad you're trying to move on and its hard to do that BUT you had a long relationship, which you thought would end in marriage only last month..why another person is thrown into the mix of your life right now isn't fair to him OR yourself.

This is the famous "rebound" relationship. You can't really see this new person clearly yet...maybe he's the one for you maybe not, but IMHO you are seeing him through a cloud of hurt and defensiveness. He will always have to "prove" himself to you (you already alluded to this) and this will get old really quick (for both of you). I say go out with friends. Read some books. Find out who you are and date yourself for awhile...you haven't had time to heal at all.

Ruthie

 

[happybratpack]

Thanks, guys. Maybe you're right and it is too early.

When did life get so complicated?!?!?

 

[Luvchefmic]

Thanks, guys. Maybe you're right and it is too early.

When did life get so complicated?!?!?

Yes we are....and who said life wouldn't be complicated ? choose to make YOUR life less so with the things that are in your control

 

[Angelhalo]

Ohhh Maryann! I was wondering where you had gone! I'm so sorry that you've been through all of this. I wish I had some great advice to give you!

 

[dislaney]

My rebound relationship became my husband. He understood why I doubted him and went out of his way to prove to me that he was nothing like the guy that had hurt me before.

Maybe this guy is that guy for you, maybe not- but it hasn't been that long for you and you will see eventually that not all men are like the guy that hurt you so much!

I'm glad you realized that you had nothing to be humiliated about and posted under your real name. That alone shows me that your dealing and getting on with life.

 

[C.Ann]

When did life get so complicated?!?!?

My dad used to say: "The first hundred years are the hardest.. After that it's all down hill.."

I'll be 61 in the fall.. He was right..

 

[Robinrs]

Hang in there, girl. If I posted some of MY nightmares... well, you'd feel BLESSED...

 

[Micca]

Based on what you've been through, I think your judgment is pretty darned good. Don't do anything rash, heal, and have fun.

 

[Disney Doll]

Why not tell the new guy what you've told us.

That you were deeply hurt by your ex and are healing and that you try not to "tar him (new BF) with the same brush" but occasionally you feel like you do and that makes you feel badly and you are working on trying not to do it. Let him work with you on it, if you think he could be someone who could be very important and special to you.

I had a longish relationship, a very painful break up and didn't date much for about a year save for a couple of evenings out with nice men but no "chemistry". Then I met DH and as much as we clicked immediately, I was still cautious and all the things you describe. I told DH. I told him that I really liked him and wanted it to work but on occasion he might see the scaredness of being hurt again come out. He was quite loving, patient and understanding...hence the reason he is DH and not ex-boyfriend.

There are good men in the world who will be patient, to a reasonable extent, with our faults and foibles.

 

[bumbershoot]

My rebound relationship became my husband. He understood why I doubted him and went out of his way to prove to me that he was nothing like the guy that had hurt me before.

Maybe this guy is that guy for you, maybe not- but it hasn't been that long for you and you will see eventually that not all men are like the guy that hurt you so much!

I'm glad you realized that you had nothing to be humiliated about and posted under your real name. That alone shows me that your dealing and getting on with life.

I agree with this.


Reacting this way is normal and OK.

It might, though, be a sign that you should be on your own a bit longer.

You might also consider a few months of counseling, to talk things through with a professional. Sometimes a little bit of counseling can REALLY help you see things more clearly, in a way that talking stuff over with your friends doesn't. (if that sentence doesn't make sense I'm sure you can get what I'm saying)

It hasn't been long at all...my husband always took quite a long time off between relationships. He didn't even date until he was really for a big relationship. So it had been something like 2 years since the end of his last relationship before he met me, and he hadn't dated in that time. He just liked to really heal up. And I never dealt with him having knee-jerk reactions to anything I did that might have reminded him of an ex. It was nice. And poor him...it wasn't long at all between my last "relationship" and meeting him, so I was still going through some "is he going to be like the last dude" junk. But he was very kind and caring about it (he's not perfect, we've had problems, I'm not saying it was all peachy keen...but it wasn't caused by past relationship jumpiness) and understood. My point is, you might want to take some more time on your own.

Good luck!