How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child

[Indiana Rose Lee]

If my sister/bil or brother and sil tell my kids something then I expect my kids to listen even if it means coming to talk to me. I absolutely trust my family to only want the best for my kids. Just as I do theirs.

 

[glitterkittyy]

It could be that your DD didn't ignore him on purpose. My kids are virtually deaf when they are playing on the computer! They tune out.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

i can't imagine banning my family from parts of my house!

 

[Mermaid02]

Zero. Unless my child is doing something that is dangerous to himself or others.....

And WHY was he so interested in her bed time? Seriously, I trust my relatives to send their kids to bed when they think it's time. I dont' really care when they go to bed.

 

[luvmy3]

I think your BIL was wrong for telling your dd to go to bed and I think your dd was wrong to ignore him. My kids know that they are to acknowledge when someone talks to them, because it is rude and disrespectful when they do not. I also wouldn't have a problem with my family disciplining my child if they were doing something that required it. However, in your case your BIL had no authority in your house to set your child's bedtime.

 

[sunnyday123]

How much say does he get. Ugh none. He is not her parent. If he was left in charge of the kids that would be different but you were in the house at the time. If safety isn't an issue, if she isn't doing something to his child it's none of his business when she goes to bed and should have not butted in. If anything he should have come downstairs and asked if you were aware she was still up or if you wanted her to be in bed.

My thoughts exactly. My brother and I currently aren't speaking because of something similar ( although he handled quite differently than your BIL) and he refuses to bend. I will admit, I have a problem with anyone else trying to discipline my child. Do I expect her to respect others? Absolutely. And the ignoring him wouldn't have gone well with me. When someone speaks to you, you acknowledge them. But unless I have asked for your help don't take it upon yourself to dole out discipline. And basic stuff doesn't fall into this category like don't run with scissors, play with fire, etc.

I see no problem with them "helping out" during your trip-hey sammy sue don't run away, hold my hand, stay here, don't shove all 7 chicken fingers in your mouth-but to me, discipline is different.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So BIL was over last night for dd3 b-day party. Apparently at one point later in the evening he went upstairs (without asking) and saw dd6 playing on the computer. He told her he thought she should be in bed and I guess she completely ignored him and kept playing. Later when he came back downstairs he told us what happened and was VERY upset that she didn't listen to him because he's an adult too. I guess this isnt' the first time she hasn't just listened to him and he feels like she should because he's an adult.

The problem with last night was that 1) We hadn't even told her she needed to go to bed yet; 2) ds8 was still up watching a movie with us and they both go to bed at the same time. So we told them as soon as the movie was over it was bed time. So why would she listen to him. Also, we only get together with BIL once every few months, so it's not like he's a constent authority figure in their lives.

I can understand if she is doing something she shouldn't be and he tells her she needs to stop, but she is also a very challenging child and we have to be really firm with her to get her to do anything. She has ADHD and is very strong willed and disciplining her is not easy. BIL is also going with us to WDW later this year and we really need to figure something out or it's going to be a trip from heck.

So, how much say does he get and what's going to far.

If your dd is a challenging child as you say, you need to teach her some people skills. Do some role playing. Some kids are shy when adults talk to them and they don't know how to respond to relative saying something to them.

Be clear with your dd when you are around the BIL or in a social setting. That way when BIL or someone says _____ your dd can respond with an appropriate answer. It is good practice for her.

As far as the bedtime issue that occurred it is really between your BIL and you.

I see it that you are taking the BIL's criticism as a judgement on your parenting. So the other part of it is you need to be clear with BIL about the "rules" that you have.

And that is how you make it work. As far as your answer of how far is too far, that is too opened ended and it is really an individual thing.

 

[momrek06]

Oh bother.

Uncle/BIL needs to chill-lax and in my opinion MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS. I think Uncle wanted the computer and your DD was using it. TOO BAD, Unc, you will have to wait.

So then Unc comes downstairs to you and tattles on DD that she did not listen to him...oh bother.

How old is he anyway?

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm an aunt, not a mother, so I will answer from the perspective of an aunt.

I would not have told your child she needed to go to bed unless you had told me to go and tell your child that. I might have come down and asked "Is Susie supposed to still be up playing video games?" if I was concerned about that. But tell her to do something? No.

As far as your child, I think her ignoring of her uncle was rude. If it were my child, I'd probably have a little talk with her about that..."if Uncle Bill speaks to you, you need to answer. If he is telling you to do something that you & I already discussed, then you come to me so I can explain it to Uncle Bill."

It's a 2 sided thing here....

 

[kbheap]

Of all the things you said, this stood out to me. Could this be the bigger problem? What was he doing?

This was my first thought as well.

My sister and I are very close in that we spend a lot of time together every other day or so. Between us, we have 5 kids. When we are together, if either of us see anothers child doing something wrong, we correct it. It doesn't matter.

Had this been my SIL though, who I only see once every couple months, it would have been a different story. I would have been offended and my daughter may not have known how to react to her disciplining her. Hopefully, she wouldn't have ignored her, but she would have let her know what I previously told her as far as the rule.

As the PP said, the thing that stands out to me is the going without you knowing. My sister and I have free roam of each others homes as well as any other house we frequent. However, if a family member that never comes over except once every 6 months or so, I don't expect them to go exploring my house looking for misbehaving children. What would be the reason for him to go exploring? Like I said, it depends on the person. I totally would not question most people, but if my BIL came into my, which he rarely does, I don't expect him to wander all over the house.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

How much say does he get. Ugh none. He is not her parent. If he was left in charge of the kids that would be different but you were in the house at the time. If safety isn't an issue, if she isn't doing something to his child it's none of his business when she goes to bed and should have not butted in. If anything he should have come downstairs and asked if you were aware she was still up or if you wanted her to be in bed.

What she said!

Who the hell does your BIL think he is that he gets to send your kids to bed when they are in your own home and you are present? Tell him to mind his own business.

And as for your trip, lay the ground rules out now. Unless he is in charge (meaning you and DH are off on a date and he is babysitting) or she is in immediate danger, he doesn't get to reprimand her or tell her what to do. As my DM tells my DF "Her parents are right here. It is their responsibility to handle their child. Not You!"

 

[bgirldeb]

Not sure if your BIL is your sister's DH, or your DH's brother, but I'd be nervous about an adult male going up into an area of your house you feel he needs permission to go into, especially since you don't see him that often. As far as your daughter listening to him, she should respect him to acknowledge him, but he has no right to discipline your child.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

These...

Zero. Unless my child is doing something that is dangerous to himself or others.....

And WHY was he so interested in her bed time? Seriously, I trust my relatives to send their kids to bed when they think it's time. I dont' really care when they go to bed.

Oh bother.

Uncle/BIL needs to chill-lax and in my opinion MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS. I think Uncle wanted the computer and your DD was using it. TOO BAD, Unc, you will have to wait.

So then Unc comes downstairs to you and tattles on DD that she did not listen to him...oh bother.

How old is he anyway?

 

[JessicaR]

The part that I was wondering about is did your daughter just ignore him or did she say no or what? What other times has she not listened to him? Just wondering what the situation was.

My children know that my husband and I call the shots and ultimately we decide disciplinary actions but, they would never ignore, or talk back to one of their aunts or uncles or any adult for that matter.

Not saying your daughter did that just think the situation isn't crystal clear.

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

Did your BIL ask your dd why she wasn't in bed?? or did he tel her to go to bed?? To me, telling her to go to bed, in her own house, with you right there is not acceptable. I would be having a conversation with him before your vacation and make your thought on this clear.

I would have no problem with an adult questioning why my child was still up....Hey kiddo, it's kinda late. Why aren't you in bed? .......but telling them to is different. If my BIL is telling my kids something it is limited to....get off the banister or put down that knife!! Everything else should be the parents job.

I also would have had a talk with dd about acknowledging someone when they are speaking to you. That is one of my biggies and my children know that they don't have to necessarily do what an adult says but they have to acknowledge that someone has spoken to them. I see a big difference in the two.

 

[momrek06]

Also, OP, that is Unc's opinion that she ignored him. Did she come and tell you "Mom, I ignored Uncle".... I am guessing NO, this was Unc being a tattletale.

 

[dislaney]

My children have been brought up to respect adults but would know that BIL was not in charge of them when I am in the house. Now mine might have come to me and questioned if they had to go to bed or not, but they know that if someone else is in charge of them I would make them aware of that fact. Your BIL had no business telling your kiddo to go to bed.

 

[Wishing on a star]

What say-so does a BIL have in discipline????

Easy....

NONE!!!!

BIL crossed every conceivable boundary.

He sounds like he is one of those 'strong personalities' who is on a narcissitic ego/power trip.

And, I agree with the posters who are concerned that a child feels they have obey every single person around them. Respecting and 'Obeying' are two very different things.

Good luck with your trip.
Sounds like BIL is preparing to use this as an opportunity to "Set You Straight" regarding his views on discipline of daughter. Which, he apparently has issues with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think Uncle wanted the computer and your DD was using it.

Whoa!!!!! that is a whole different ball game....
NOBODY gets to walk in and mess with my personal computer.
Talk about smashing boundaries, invasion of privacy, etc...

That is like somebody going thru my purse, my dresser drawers, private papers, etc....

If I honestly was suspecting that this was the case, my brother in law would not be welcome in my home, ever, period.

 

[MyManGoofy!]

Wow - personally I think the child was far more out of line the the adult. Whatever happened to respecting your elders? It was very rude of your daughter to not respond to him. The whole thing would be over with a simple - "mom said I could stay up - but I can go check with her to make sure."

Every adult in my family has a certain degree of authority over my son. Even my adult friends do as well. And yes - even in my own home. There is no place where it would be acceptable for my son to be disrespectful. My son knows what situations are a concern and need to be brought to my attention and what just needs to be followed.