How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child

[tnkr_bell]

So BIL was over last night for dd3 b-day party. Apparently at one point later in the evening he went upstairs (without asking) and saw dd6 playing on the computer. He told her he thought she should be in bed and I guess she completely ignored him and kept playing. Later when he came back downstairs he told us what happened and was VERY upset that she didn't listen to him because he's an adult too. I guess this isnt' the first time she hasn't just listened to him and he feels like she should because he's an adult.

The problem with last night was that 1) We hadn't even told her she needed to go to bed yet; 2) ds8 was still up watching a movie with us and they both go to bed at the same time. So we told them as soon as the movie was over it was bed time. So why would she listen to him. Also, we only get together with BIL once every few months, so it's not like he's a constent authority figure in their lives.

I can understand if she is doing something she shouldn't be and he tells her she needs to stop, but she is also a very challenging child and we have to be really firm with her to get her to do anything. She has ADHD and is very strong willed and disciplining her is not easy. BIL is also going with us to WDW later this year and we really need to figure something out or it's going to be a trip from heck.

So, how much say does he get and what's going to far.

 

[PolyndianPrincessJes]

In general, I believe children should listen to adults. Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule. What probably got him was that she ignored him. If she had said "Mom didn't tell me to go to bed yet" or something similar, it may not have been a big deal.

It drives me CRAZY when kids ignore adults, whether or not they're the authority figure. In fact, I don't like it when they ignore anyone. My niece does that often, and I think it's very disrespectful.

That said, if we are in a relative's home/event, then I expect DS to abide by the rules of the house. If we are in our home, if the kids are in danger or are getting out of hand, I have no problem with any adult putting a stop to it.

I'd say your BIL can't tell your DD when to go to bed, but your DD should acknowledge him out of respect and explain the situation.

ETA: Oh, and at WDW, all bets are off...the kids must comply with any reasonable request from any adult in our group. Everyone's on overload, so I welcome the extra eyes, ears and mouths.

 

[1stluvispooh]

How much say does he get. Ugh none. He is not her parent. If he was left in charge of the kids that would be different but you were in the house at the time. If safety isn't an issue, if she isn't doing something to his child it's none of his business when she goes to bed and should have not butted in. If anything he should have come downstairs and asked if you were aware she was still up or if you wanted her to be in bed.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Even if I didn't agree with what DBIL did I would still support him by telling DD to respect her elders and explaining that if DBIL asked her to do anything again she needs to either obey, or come see you to ask what she should do.

ETA - this applies for all adults in the family. I want my DS to learn respect for authority and respect for his elders. If what DBIL bothered you personally then talk to him about it in private, away from DD. Having a unified front is important and could come in very handy at WDW.

 

[nmmom95]

How much say does he get. Ugh none. He is not her parent. If he was left in charge of the kids that would be different but you were in the house at the time. If safety isn't an issue, if she isn't doing something to his child it's none of his business when she goes to bed and should have not butted in. If anything he should have come downstairs and asked if you were aware she was still up or if you wanted her to be in bed.

ITA
I would have (respectfully) told my BIL to mind his own business.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

I do think there are adults kids should listen to- grandparents babysitting, teachers, police officers, an aunt that is close to the family. But I do not tell my kids to listen to all adults- frankly I think my kids are smarter and have more common sense than some adults. And telling them to obey all adults is creepy- what if the adults are predators?
Your BIL had no right to do that. I would have given him a lecture. He had no right to tell your kids when to go to bed. You better have a talk with him before WDW, it's not fair to your kids. Especially if he tells them one thing and you another.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

My daughter knows she needs to listen to adults (unless they are strangers) but she also knows she can come to me if she has a problem with what the adult told her to do. If I found out she just ignored another adult I would be very upset with her.

It would have been nice if your daughter had explained to your BIL when bed time was or came to you about it, rather than just ignoring him.

 

[golfgal]

I would talk to my daughter and tell her that when an adult talks to them or asks them a question that they need to answer. I would give her an example using this situation where she could have told the uncle that you said she didn't have to go to bed until the movie was over. If the uncle didn't like that, then she can tell him to check with you. THEN I would talk to the BIL and ask him why in the heck he felt the need to tell your child when to go to bed while you were in the house????

 

[Minnie824]

I expect my DDs to listen and respect adults. When grandparents are babysitting or if they're just over and the kids aren't behaving, I expect them to listen. If one of my DDs were in my house on my computer and another adult told them to go to bed, I would not expect her to. My house, my rules. BIL had no authority to go tell her to go to bed.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think your brother in law was out of line to try to tell her when to go to bed, BUT I think your DD was rude to simply ignore him. She should have politely explained that mommy said she could stay up unitl her brother's movie was over.

As far when do I think relatives (or any adult) can tell my children what to do? Well, if my child is in their home or being babysat by them they get to say what happens. Also, even if my child were in my own home but "bothered" the relative (or anyone else), their things or children, etc (like if my child were to start rummaging throuh the purse of a visiting aunt, I would not expect the aunt to come find me--she could tell my child to cut it out, etc right then and there). Also, any adult is welcome to step in when my child is any serious immediate danger or putting someone else in such danger.

 

[worm761]

I would talk to DD about ignoring people. Because it is rude no matter who it is. THEN I would politely explain to BIL that I parent my children and not him. I set the bed times and the rules. He may choose to have rules in HIS home but he cannot make rules in MINE. From what you said in your original post this is not the first time it has happened. I would talk to him about trying to parent my kids.

And don't get me wrong, my younger sister and I are very close. It doesn't matter where we are, if one of our kids are misbehaving, well, we take care of it. As for all the other nieces and nephews, I let their parents handle them since we are not as close. My son is aware of which adults he needs to listen to and which ones he needs to tell me about.

 

[Metsfan520]

I'm an aunt of 14, I spend a lot of time with the nieces & nephews. Since I babysit the kids a lot, I know most of the 'house' rules, so in that situation, I probably would have sat next to her & watched her play on the computer.

But if I told her it was time for bed because I thought it was time, and she ignored me, I'd go to the parent & let them know--and they would have told me the rule. I don't think your BIL was way over the line, but I do think your daughter could have explained the rule to him. My niece did that once, I clarified it with her mom, and I told my niece she was right.

 

[claudia]

So, how much say does he get and what's going to far.

none.....anything more than none!

 

[akcire]

Apparently at one point later in the evening he went upstairs (without asking)

Of all the things you said, this stood out to me. Could this be the bigger problem? What was he doing?

 

[bumbershoot]

An uncle who can get in a snit over this would have gotten into a snit if she'd answered him, probably saying that she had sassed him, or talked back, or something.


My brother has permission to discipline DS to keep DS safe and to keep belongings and cats safe if I'm not in the room or not noticing something. He doesn't get to impose random rules on DS, nor would he ever even THINK to do such a thing, and if he does think of a rule that hadn't been discussed, I would bet that my brother would come to ME first. "Hey Molly, I thought it was past E's bedtime, should he still be at the computer?"


After letting him know that he can concern himself with safety issues, and everything else should go through you and your husband...honestly what I might focus on would be...what was BIL doing upstairs in the computer room?

 

[Stitchfans]

I think your brother in law was out of line to try to tell her when to go to bed, BUT I think your DD was rude to simply ignore him. She should have politely explained that mommy said she could stay up unitl her brother's movie was over.

.

I agree with this. DH and I were the only ones that disciplined our DD. Same with ex husband with oldest DD. Both DDs knew if they had a problem or question they could come to me or DH.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

When you say it's your BIL, how is he related? Your husband's brother or your sister's husband?
Even my own parents don't walk upstairs in my house without asking unless they are going up with the kids. Maybe something was going on and that's why he is trying to put the focus on your "disobediant daughter" and not himself.

 

[KirstenB]

Your BIL sounds like a nut. Part of the fun of being the aunt or uncle is letting the parents discipline the kids, particularly in their own home!!!

 

[NMAmy]

It's not that she didn't go to bed that would bother me--it's the fact that she ignored him. When dd was young, she didn't have to obey everything that an adult told her but she was expected to treat adults with respect. Your dd did not treat him very respectfully.

 

[eliza61]

So BIL was over last night for dd3 b-day party. Apparently at one point later in the evening he went upstairs (without asking) and saw dd6 playing on the computer. He told her he thought she should be in bed and I guess she completely ignored him and kept playing. Later when he came back downstairs he told us what happened and was VERY upset that she didn't listen to him because he's an adult too. I guess this isnt' the first time she hasn't just listened to him and he feels like she should because he's an adult.

The problem with last night was that 1) We hadn't even told her she needed to go to bed yet; 2) ds8 was still up watching a movie with us and they both go to bed at the same time. So we told them as soon as the movie was over it was bed time. So why would she listen to him. Also, we only get together with BIL once every few months, so it's not like he's a constent authority figure in their lives.

I can understand if she is doing something she shouldn't be and he tells her she needs to stop, but she is also a very challenging child and we have to be really firm with her to get her to do anything. She has ADHD and is very strong willed and disciplining her is not easy. BIL is also going with us to WDW later this year and we really need to figure something out or it's going to be a trip from heck.

So, how much say does he get and what's going to far.

1) Why was he so upset? I have a ton of neices and nephews and I have kids, now as a rule they don't go around ignoring adults but it's not unheard of.

2) if you are going to be on the trip I wouldn't sweat it. Does he try to discipline her with you right there. Do you expect him to?

3) As a rule my sisters can go upstairs in my house without asking to so how close is this brother in law.

Generally (and these are real general) my kids cannot ignore an adult when spoken to. No way can they get away with ignoring a relative but me and my siblings are close.
Usually if there is a hard to handle child with me, I'm not trying to discipline her unless she is directly my responsibility. When my family goes to the world together and some one has a meltdown, I'm not trying to get between that kid and his parent. Sorry I've got my own meltdowns to worry about.

My parents and siblings have a lot of say in my kids upbringing. I have one of those "it takes a village" type of families. My kids spend weekend, summers and holidays with grandma amd cousins etc. My family also does not try to usurp me but our values are pretty much all along the same line so my kids know if "Aunty Mel" says some thing to them or ask them to do some thing, their state of health most definitely could be determined by what their response is.