how much inlaw is too much?

[Not so Dumbo]

I'm in a heated battle with my inlaws over how much they see our kids. They say they want to see them "X" amount of time, and I say that's way to much to have to schedule them in all the time. They tell me that they have a "right" to see them this much. We really don't get along and they always want to take the kids somewhere. There have been a few times when I've caught them in a lie about different things envolving the kids and where they've been with them, so I don't really trust them either. So how much is too much...a couple of times a week...once a week........everyother week....once a month? Has anyone else had this problem? It's not that I'm not letting them see them, I just don't like it to be this often.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This is a joke right!!!

 

[Celluloidgal]

In-laws, like fish, will start to stink in three days.

 

[roseprincess]

I'm not sure what to say. You and your dh should be on a united front on this
situation. How often does he think his parents should see the kids? Hopefully you and your dh can set a limit with your in-laws, how often to see hte kids.

My situation is opposite than yours. My parents hardly see hte kids, they both work full-time and don't have much time on the weekends to see my kids. My FIL is in poor health, so he hardly ever sees hte kids. MIL passed away about 10 yrs. ago. My dh's siblings don't have an interest in seeing my kids, except maybe once a yr for Christmas.

Best wishes to you in setting limits with in-laws

 

[VickiVM]

I'm in a heated battle with my inlaws over how much they see our kids. They say they want to see them "X" amount of time, and I say that's way to much to have to schedule them in all the time. They tell me that they have a "right" to see them this much. We really don't get along and they always want to take the kids somewhere. There have been a few times when I've caught them in a lie about different things envolving the kids and where they've been with them, so I don't really trust them either. So how much is too much...a couple of times a week...once a week........everyother week....once a month? Has anyone else had this problem? It's not that I'm not letting them see them, I just don't like it to be this often.

Even I can get weary of too much in-laws, but if they want to see my children or take them places then more power to them. My kids absolutely love my husbands family and get to see them more often than my own family and I wouldn't deny them of that for anything. Life is too short to keep track of how often my children see their family members.

BTW - you should define what is too much for you. If they're visiting daily and interupting things such as homework or chores, then just let them know that your kids need space and time to do some work at home. Or are your children itty bitty?? Too many unknowns to give you a real answer.

 

[disykat]

WOAS, I know you have a problem with anyone whose parents or inlaws that are alive complaining - but this is a serious issue for many people.

My inlaws/parents live out of state so we don't have this problem. However, I would have real issues if the inlaws/parents tried to demand certain "rights". IMO it is up to the parents to provide those opportunities, but also to set the perameters.

 

[lclark0621]

I am really against family "scheduleling" time every week like that. How much your kids see your ILs is entirely up to you & your DH.

ILs already got to raise their kids. They need to give us, the parents, time to also raise our kids.

I think sometimes Grandparents forget that they are the GRANDparents. They raised their kids the way they wanted. Now they need to step back & let their GRANDkids be raised by their parents.

I am not against making plans, but having a rigid schedule where they see the kids on X Y & Z days would drive me nuts. This is not a custody situation. They are your kids. You have your life & schedule. And your ILs just need to realize that as Grandparents, they dont get a set amount of time with the kids.

Your DH & yourself need to sit down & discuss the situation & come up with a united front you can all live with.

 

[minkydog]

I would have a big problem sending my kids off with anyone who lies about where they've been. Being the grandparents doesn't give them a special pass on this

 

[MAKmom]

I'm in a heated battle with my inlaws over how much they see our kids. They say they want to see them "X" amount of time, and I say that's way to much to have to schedule them in all the time. They tell me that they have a "right" to see them this much. We really don't get along and they always want to take the kids somewhere. There have been a few times when I've caught them in a lie about different things envolving the kids and where they've been with them, so I don't really trust them either. So how much is too much...a couple of times a week...once a week........everyother week....once a month? Has anyone else had this problem? It's not that I'm not letting them see them, I just don't like it to be this often.

What is X amount of time? How old are your kids? Why do you not trust them? DO they drink & do drugs?

 

[Blondy876]

I would have a big problem spending unsupervised time with the kids at all if you don't feel they can be trusted. And more than that I would be furious to have my inlaws or my parents demanding that I allow them to see MY children. I have no idea how to resolve this but good luck.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the pps. I would have problems with letting ANYONE who can't be trusted (ie. lies about where they're taking my children) having my children unsupervised.

If these grandparents are looking forward to a regular visit, then once a week for a few hours with me or DH would be fine with me. And then getting together for special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.). Given the track record you describe, I wouldn't let them take my children anywhere unsupervised.

I have a slightly different problem with my in-laws; they run hot and cold. In other words, my in-laws will want to see the kids often (several times a week) for a stretch of weeks and then will dissappear for several weeks. Literally, the kids will see Grandma 4 or 5 times a week and then, suddenly, Grandma (something of a hypochondriac) will be ill and unable to see anyone because of the unknown nature of her illness. This last winter, we didn't see MIL for around 10 weeks in a row. My kids are 5 and 2 -- they can handle Grandparents who don't want to be involved (they have some of those too), but they can't understand why they suddenly can't see Grandma when they've visited with her so often before.

 

[CEDmom]

First off what does your spouse have to say about this? As long as the kids are enjoying themselves and your in-laws are abiding by your rule (i.e. not buying them things you don't want them to have) I'd say once a week seems reasonable. However, given the fact that you have issues with what they're doing with your kids I'm not sure I'd let them take them anywhere.

 

[CEDmom]

This is a joke right!!!

Why would be think this is a joke and that the OP is just stirring the pot. Seems to me he/she is asking a reasonable question.

 

[Annie68]

I'll trade you! My in-laws are .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would have a big problem sending my kids off with anyone who lies about where they've been. Being the grandparents doesn't give them a special pass on this

Amen...they would get zero unsupervised time. If they were demanding it would be a long time before they saw us, period.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

really couldn't say. I doubt if my kids would be able to pick their Grandmother on their Father's side out of a police line-up so this just is not a problem that I've experienced.


I'm not sure what you mean about "lies" either. Sounds juicy and interesting.

 

[Not so Dumbo]

What is X amount of time? How old are your kids? Why do you not trust them? DO they drink & do drugs?

All three of my kids are 6 and under. I don't trust them because on more than one occasion the kids have come home and said they went somewhere other than where they were supposed to have been. When we question them about it they said well we didn't think you would let us take them so we didn't ask. They don't do drugs, although sometimes they brag about drinking while the kids are in earshot, but I don't think they do it infront of them. There are some moral issues that I wouldn't want my kids to think were okay for them to do. As far as the amount of time, they are demanding once a week, no exeptions. I told them that everyother week would be okay, with the kids' activities, DH's job, and other normal everyday things, having to make sure we fit them in everyweek just seems to be too much and if they would like to call and talk to them also that would be fine. They absolutely refuse to agree and just won't back down. I feel like I'm trying to set up visitation rights and I can only imagine how crazy all of this sounds. My DH's position is that since his grandparents saw him this much, he didn't have a problem with it although he sees my point and is saying that if that's how I feel, he'll stick by me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey Disykat, I think you might have some confusion here.... I am totally against any idea of 'grandparents rights'! I feel very strongly on this!

And, you might know that I am not one to throw out accustations of But, we have had several threads on this before, and they have turned into debate.

I think it was just something about that post that almost sounded inflammatory to me?

Yes, many people have that issue. I can tell you that Grandparents make NO demands from me! I hear that Florida is one state where it is well established that Grandparents do not have rights. I always said I would move there if necessary!

To the OP... I agree with the poster that said that there is not enough info to give you any sound advice. Kids ages, History of relationship with grandparents, etc....

I will say this, THIS IS A MARRIAGE ISSUE!!! You need to speak with your DH about the situation to come to an understanding, and then let him be the one who deals with his parents. This is always sound advice to anybody in these kinds of situations!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, I see the OP just posted as I was typing!

As I said, Grandparents would not get away with making demands with me!
Just wait until your kids are all in school with homework, sports, etc!!!!

Also, if anyone actually physically took my child(ren) somewhere that they knew that I would probably say NO, then that is a direct violation of my rights and wishes as a parent. I would not ever want them to have my child unsupervised ever again.

If your husband wants for the kids to see his parents every single week, then he must step up to the plate and be the one to take them.

If you are not comfortable with your children, at that young age, being left with your inlaws without supervision, then, as their mother, you should make that very clear with your husband. You have a right to designate some boundaries. Be very calm and firm and direct as you talk to your husband about that. Let him know that you do not want anyone taking off with your kids like that. (do not place any direct blame or make negative comments about your inlaws.)

Hope this helps!

 

[disykat]

Hey Disykat, I think you might have some confusion here.... I am totally against any idea of 'grandparents rights'! I feel very strongly on this!

Sorry! I thought you were the one who posted on the recent thread pet peeve thread that people shouldn't complain about their inlaws or parents, they should be happy they have them alive. That's why I said I know you don't like it when people complain and simply pointed out that this is a huge issue for many - not just pot stirring. I wasn't quoting you on anything having to do with grandparents rights.