How much financial responsibility should a 20 year old have?

[Frye7127]

My DSD is a sophomore in college. Due to her FASFA filled out by her mom, she gets complete coverage of her college expenses. Last year she had to take out some loans (which we will pay for once she finishes school, most likely). This year, she has taken about 1,500 in loans to help pay for some summer school this summer. She also does work study that provides her about 220/mo. She lives on campus and drives around only rarely. All of her food is covered. She joined a sorority this year, and we told that was her responsibility (She mainly did this since her fiance is in a frat, and wanted to be a part of that whole scene, otherwise she had no interest).

We pay for her books, 1/2 of her car insurance (she is responsible for the other half), car maintenance, health insurance, medical visits, rx, give her $ occasionally, etc. We feel that she should be responsible for her entertainment and clothing. Are we expecting too much? Our problem is that she will not work, other than work study....meaning when she is off for the summer, no job...breaks - no job. This is mostly her mother's mentality, as she does not feel that she should work and this started at 16 years old....working just enough to get by and no planning for anything else. Her car insurance is paid by babysitting just enough to pay her insurance...nothing more and nothing less...nothing steady. We are having a hard time getting her to budget what little money she has...she is spending what we feel is "a lot" of money on her fiance (birthday gifts, christmas, just because) when she really does not have it (meaning she spends what she has and does not prepare for anything else - I am almost certain that a chunk of her loan money from this year is gone due to her spending habits although I told her that we needed to put it in a CD or something to hold her until summer).

DSD feels that we are coming down too hard on her and expecting too much from her. I have to admit, if she was working, we would be more apt to help her out (Help yourself rather than expecting a handout).

So, what do you think? Too hard on her or not enough?

 

[mjkacmom]

My parents made it easy for me when I was in college, and payed my way. However, it was my responsibility to get a job over the summer and winter break, for my spending money. School was my job, but they did allow me to get a little part-time job in the English department for extra money (I was not allowed to work more than that - probably around 12 hours a week).

 

[luvmy3]

No you are not expecting too much in fact I would say that you seem to be expecting too little, there is no reason why a 20 year old should not be working during school breaks. My niece, who is the same age, works while going to school, she uses her breaks and the summer to work full time and takes odd jobs too. When I was 20 I was completely indepenedent, working full time and paying all my bills on my own.

I would not be paying anything toward her books, etc if she wasn't willing to work when school is not in session.

 

[Frye7127]

Would your parents been so financially supportive of you had you not worked though? I am assuming you worked during your breaks and had money to help tide you through the school year, no?

 

[Tink888]

My DSD is a sophomore in college. Due to her FASFA filled out by her mom, she gets complete coverage of her college expenses. Last year she had to take out some loans (which we will pay for once she finishes school, most likely). This year, she has taken about 1,500 in loans to help pay for some summer school this summer. She also does work study that provides her about 220/mo. She lives on campus and drives around only rarely. All of her food is covered. She joined a sorority this year, and we told that was her responsibility (She mainly did this since her fiance is in a frat, and wanted to be a part of that whole scene, otherwise she had no interest).

We pay for her books, 1/2 of her car insurance (she is responsible for the other half), car maintenance, health insurance, medical visits, rx, etc. We feel that she should be responsible for her entertainment and clothing. Are we expecting too much? Our problem is that she will not work, other than work study....meaning when she is off for the summer, no job...breaks - no job. This is mostly her mother's mentality, as she does not feel that she should work and this started at 16 years old....working just enough to get by and no planning for anything else. Her car insurance is paid by babysitting just enough to pay her insurance...nothing more and nothing less...nothing steady. We are having a hard time getting her to budget what little money she has...she is spending what we feel is "a lot" of money on her fiance (birthday gifts, christmas, just because) when she really does not have it (meaning she spends what she has and does not prepare for anything else - I am almost certain that a chunk of her loan money from this year is gone due to her spending habits although I told her that we needed to put it in a CD or something to hold her until summer).

DSD feels that we are coming down too hard on her and expecting too much from her. I have to admit, if she was working, we would be more apt to help her out (Help yourself rather than expecting a handout).

So, what do you think? Are we coming down too hard on a child that has not ever hard a real job to speak of and expects us to foot all of her expenses or not hard enough?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 20 year old to pay for their own entertainment or clothing.

As to the not working during summer or breaks.....I always did and I would probably want my kids to but I would just take the stance of "this is what we are paying for, this is what we aren't paying for. If you want XYZ or to be able to do this or that, you will be paying for it". If they work to earn the money, great. If they don't, they just don't get XYZ or do what they want. Sometimes going without is a great motivator.

ETA: I'm assuming the loans are school loans? If I knew my child was blowing portions of their student loans on frivilous things, I wouldn't be paying any of those loans for them.

 

[Frye7127]

No you are not expecting too much in fact I would say that you seem to be expecting too little, there is no reason why a 20 year old should not be working during school breaks. My niece, who is the same age, works while going to school, she uses her breaks and the summer to work full time and takes odd jobs too. When I was 20 I was completely indepenedent, working full time and paying all my bills on my own.

I would not be paying anything toward her books, etc if she wasn't willing to work when school is not in session.

Last night was a breaking point...she was crying saying she paid for everything and I thought my husband was going to lose it. She has no concept of really how easy she has it. We really are working with two mentalities on money - her mother's and ours - which allows her to have a choice and she is taking the "easy way" which is spend what you like, don't worry about tomorrow, and just do enough to get by...

She is coming by today to get her christmas stuff to take back to school...I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of tears.

 

[bicker]

She lives on campus and drives around only rarely. ... We pay for her books, 1/2 of her car insurance (she is responsible for the other half), car maintenance, ... We feel that she should be responsible for her entertainment and clothing. Are we expecting too much?

My first instinct is that paying even half for the car insurance on a car with a college sophomore, living on campus, as primary driver, is very generous of you. Working backwards from there, I think she might not have much foundation for being concerned about your expectations that she cover her own entertainment expenses.

(If she's just a secondary driver on your cars, that's a different story.)

 

[Frye7127]

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 20 year old to pay for their own entertainment or clothing.

As to the not working during summer or breaks.....I always did and I would probably want my kids to but I would just take the stance of "this is what we are paying for, this is what we aren't paying for. If you want XYZ or to be able to do this or that, you will be paying for it". If they work to earn the money, great. If they don't, they just don't get XYZ or do what they want. Sometimes going without is a great motivator.

You would think...but we have been going on two years of kind of "cutting her off" and it has only made the "woe is me" mentality even worse...

 

[christineann]

Agree with Tink 100%. I have two kids who worked while in college, and both handled it well with demanding majors. I didn't pay anything for their social stuff, nor did they expect me to do so.

Frye, I think your idea about helping her manage her loan proceeds is a good idea until she develops wise spending habits. At 20, she needs to learn sooner rather than later.

 

[christineann]

My daughter found that the work study didn't provide enough work hours at times due to budget issues within her department, so she was able to pick up part time work from several of her professors in labs.....a good source of income and GREAT for her resume.

Maybe your daughter could check into additional employment on campus if she would rather not work off campus.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No--you are probably doing her a great service.

At 20, it is time for her to learn some life lessons and that is that she is only dangling by one apron string now and her days of the high life not working or going to school over the summer and lazing around over the summer are over.

She seems to want to be lazy over the summer and that really isn't good at any age let alone adulthood. She is engaged to be married--time to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. She can't just play grown up.

Now--I do feel that if she is still on parent insurance, parents should help out with medical as it arise.

But other than that, no valid reason at all why she can't get at least a minimal job over the summer to help earn some spending money for her fun.

Let me guess--she is going to expect her parents to foot the complete bill on a wedding of her dreams, right? Might want to clue her in to what you will be able to do before she has a Bridezilla fit that you won't spend $100 grand on a royal extravaganza.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I also have a college sophmore dd. It is hard to compare since my dd does not get ANY aid of any kind. We are taking out max loans and so is she. She lives in a dorm during school.

She is expected to work over summer to pay for expense for the yr. Now last summer she did not work enough to cover her expenses so she is getting a job this semester at school. Since she lives in a dorm she is going to be looking for "on campus" jobs sympathic to dorm breaks.

We pay for her car insurance, repairs, meds, doctors, etc....

She also joined a sorority and holy smokes it is not cheap! It is 300/month here. How is she paying for that? Perhaps that is where her money is going. We are beside ourselves on the cost of that.

Does she live at home or is she in a dorm?

 

[FINFAN]

wel, as a parent paying 43 K + a YEAR for a 20 yr old DD...I am going to say "trade you!" I think your DSD is pretty average in her spending habits, my DD is frugal, I mean to the point of eating the bare minimum and she shops at Good Will for anything else she may need. The biggest flag I saw was IF she is using loan $ to buy gifts, unescessary things or entertainment, then that is not good. The interest on that fun $ is going to be brutal. Maybe instead of putting the job pressure on her, ESPECIALLY if she is getting good grades, ask her to tkae $5 a week of what she would have normally spent that week and set it aside for 1 month. Basically that is a can of pop a day. She will have $20 of quick cash and she may like having it. Otherwise, since her mom is the main reason you have the great FA assistance, you may have to hope she can talk with her. I know you are trying to instill good habits, responsibility etc., but she is 20, a very rough age to try and "tell" someone what the situation is. Maybe tell her that since you are planning on taknig over her loans, you will be covering ONLY the eduactional costs incurred from those loans, as you said, books, fees, supplies, some meals etc. ( you can call the school and get the costs, tell her that...so she knows you are not just threatening) Parties at the Sorority , new clothes, gifts to BF, do not fall under that category. That may be a way for her to see exactly how much she is spending on non-educational stuff and she may see the light. She may also just figure her mom will bail her out, but that will not be your issue.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'd suggest her Dad have a heart to heart with her about the importance of being self supportive. At 20 years old basic necessities like a coat, sneakers and a few pairs of jeans are reasonable but after that a person needs to be on their own. You want more stuff, nicer stuff or money to burn on being out then work for it. If she turns on the tears offer to drive her to K-mart to get her what she is in desperate need of, just in case she really is in need of undies & socks ect, if she snubs K-mart like a snob then you are off the hook. She will know and you will know she's got no-where to go with the tears.

My kids pull this all the time but THEY want 'NEW' Abercrombie, Uggs ect (because their OLD stuff is tired), when I tell them "Sure, Walmart is a short drive away" magically they seem to 'remember' they have enough to get by I hear things lke, "Oh wait, I DO have that purple hoodie" or " I guess I COULD wear those gray Uggs" or "I forgot I have that blue shirt, it must be in the wash" ... it never ends.

The problem with these kids is that they think 'NO' is a punishment. If a person never hears no they never learn its just a part of life and then they can't handle disappointment of any kind on any level. This is why the person gets so upset, not because they are being bratty or selfish, sometimes some people really do not get that 'No" is just a fact of life and from the way you describe her mother, I suspect she's the same way. This can be managed but it takes patience and kindness. If the goal is to raise a happy content self sufficient adult then she needs to get this through her head. I have a little neice like this and her parents are creating a monster. Whenever the kid hears no she reacts like she is being unjustly punished because, to her mind she is... the teen years are going to be very ugly for her. My SIL & BIL have zero idea they are the problem.

Good luck

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My kids pull this all the time but THEY want Abercrombie ect, when I tell them "Sure, Walmart is a short drive away" magically they seem to 'remember' they have enough to get by

Oh yea, I pull this as well.

 

[LaraK]

At 20 I was on my own paying my own bills with my fresh new college degree....bad side was that there were no jobs in my major so I was paying those bills by waiting tables. It helped me learn how to work hard and make ends meet.

I started working at 14 and have been working since. The only "break" I took was my 1st semester of Freshman year of college. I do not think you are being too hard on her.

 

[pennymom]

I think that your daughter is very lucky that she is receiving all of the financial assistance she is, and needs to recognize that! My parents paid for tuition, room and board, and all school-related expenses, but I had to provide all of my own spending money and incidentals/personal care products. I worked full time (40-50 hours per week) and sometimes two jobs in the summers so that I could save enough to get through the school year without having to work while studying. Learned some good budgeting skills during those five years (double major) that have stayed with me. I agree with a PP who said that if your daughter is using student loans for spending money, you should reconsider paying the loans back for her. Maybe if she sees what kind of debt she'll have when she graduates she'll rethink her attitude about money?

 

[Frye7127]

Maybe tell her that since you are planning on taknig over her loans, you will be covering ONLY the eduactional costs incurred from those loans, as you said, books, fees, supplies, some meals etc. ( you can call the school and get the costs, tell her that...so she knows you are not just threatening) Parties at the Sorority , new clothes, gifts to BF, do not fall under that category.


She doesn't know we are going to cover the loans, because we want her to be responsible with her grades and not just screw around...four and out (not six and out like her dad )

She may also just figure her mom will bail her out, but that will not be your issue.

She knows that this will never, ever in a million years happen. Her mom has pretty much told her that "daddy will take care of it" because he always has... that hand has been out for years. [/COLOR][/COLOR]

My husband's parents send her money every month (GF has a huge soft spot for DSD) We are not so much worried about her working during school and agree that her job is school...it is more the mentality that it is "owed to me" and I shouldn't have to struggle to have what I want or do without for a 20 year old.

Spring break is coming up and I assure you she will be taking a trip to the beach with her fiance and friends...too much free time in my opinion. We gave her a little extra spending money last year, but not happening this year...

 

[robinb]

I think that a 20-year old college student's job is school. Since she went to summer school, THAT was her job over the summer. You can't expect her to have a full time summer job and also go to school. And yes, I know that plenty of adults do it but I would not expect a 20-year old to do it. As for her burning through her money ... I would say go ahead and let her do it. You can lecture her into you a blue in the face but it won't help. When the end of the school year comes around and her spending money is gone is when she will learn that lesson. Better that she learns it in college than later in life.

 

[Frye7127]

I think that a 20-year old college student's job is school. Since she went to summer school, THAT was her job over the summer. You can't expect her to have a full time summer job and also go to school. And yes, I know that plenty of adults do it but I would not expect a 20-year old to do it. As for her burning through her money ... I would say go ahead and let her do it. You can lecture her into you a blue in the face but it won't help. When the end of the school year comes around and her spending money is gone is when she will learn that lesson. Better that she learns it in college than later in life.

She didn't go to summer school this past summer. She has never had a summer job or any job for that matter to speak of.