How do you........

[live4christp1]

stop the day dreaming without crushing the dreamer?????


DS is driving me insane. Still slacking off on his homework, not bringing it home, not doing it on time, not turning it in when it's done. Have contacted his teachers....they all have good things to say about him...."he's a very good kid, very respectful, a huge help to me in class." Then they say....."but he does have a tendency to play with whatever is in his hands, pencil, ruler, etc. and day dream."

Last night I was looking through his language notebook and find an assignment sheet with a due date of 12/3 (yesterday). I inquired if he had done it???? "No." So put him to work on it. The assignment was to choose one of 4 different starting phrases and right a paragraph. Points for being descriptive, imaginative, etc. He wrote 3 sentences and said he was done, one of which repeated the first sentence. So I read it out load, then read the instructions and the two examples given. He said, "oh, can I start over." So he starts over on a new sheet of paper and in a few minutes hands me a two paragraph short story that is excellent and very eloquent.

It kills me that he is just doing the bare minimum. If I had not said anything he would have been content to turn in the three sentence page when I know he is quiet capable of doing much better.

We have punished. We have grounded. We have removed everything from his room. He has no priveledges. I don't know what else to do.

He's very creative and loves to draw and write (if it's his idea and he can write about what he wants to). He often reminds me that Walt Disney didn't finish school. I love that fact that he is so creative, etc. but how can I make him understand that he needs to focus on tasks and complete them???? I don't want to crush his creative spirit but the day dreaming is out of control.

 

[alexandria674]

LOL, Believe me I was the dreamer of my family and oftentimes it did get in the way of schoolwork. Mom called me creative and imaginative (when she wasn't yelling about how I was sitting around daydreaming instead of doing homework) I decided to have an outlet for my time, writing, creating plays, whatever. However, the rule was if I didn't finish homework in a certain time, then I wouldn't be able to write, so I got on the ball and still found time to write and create many things. Maybe your son can find some new outlet but have the understanding that school would have to come first.

 

[iwrbnd]

Sounds exactly like my DS. Google "inattentive ADD" and see if you recognize your son in the traits.

 

[live4christp1]

LOL, Believe me I was the dreamer of my family and oftentimes it did get in the way of schoolwork. Mom called me creative and imaginative (when she wasn't yelling about how I was sitting around daydreaming instead of doing homework) I decided to have an outlet for my time, writing, creating plays, whatever. However, the rule was if I didn't finish homework in a certain time, then I wouldn't be able to write, so I got on the ball and still found time to write and create many things. Maybe your son can find some new outlet but have the understanding that school would have to come first.

Thanks! I was a dreamer too. In 6th grade (went to a small school and 5th & 6th grades were combined in one class room) I would write plays for the whole class and at recess I would recruit everyone to be in the play and hand out parts etc. We would put on a show for the rest of the school. That year at graduation I got the leadership award. But some how I managed to get the school work done too and knew that it had to be done. I just can't get that across to him. The first 9 weeks of school went great.....he was getting all his work done, what little homework he had he got it done so he could go online, play a video game or draw/write then all of a sudden he decided that doing the work wasn't important and just stopped doing it.

 

[minniebeth]

I really can relate. DS is so bright but definately dreams more than applies himself. If I have to hear how he is going to buy a Masarati one more time, I'm going to flip~ We tell hime to get a driver's license first, and take it from there!
We find making short task lists each day for him helps. When he consistenly completes them and can do the tasks without the list, we move on to weekly goals. We go back to lists if we find he reverts back to unfinished items.
Boys especially need to know exactly what is expected (clearly spelled out for them), a plan to get it done and stay on track and a way to keep organized. These are skills that can be taught and learned and reinforced. It does not come naturally to them as easily as for a lot of girls. Something to motivate them for success helps.

As far as something in his hands, there is research that shows some kids actually need a "fidget" in their hands to help them process information. It does not mean that they are not paying attention or goofing off. As distraction as it is to teachers and perhaps other students, some kids are helped by having this habit. In my DS's 5th grade class, the teacher filled balloons with sand and tied them for the kids. It was a quiet fidget that they were allowed to have. A stress ball was the other option.

Good luck~I know it can be frustrating. Keep positive with him and encourage him the best you can.

 

[JR6ooo4]

sounds like an Imagineer to me!

Mikeeee

 

[live4christp1]

Sounds exactly like my DS. Google "inattentive ADD" and see if you recognize your son in the traits.

Wow! I'd never even heard of this. Thanks!

SYMPTOMS

• Easily distracted

• Difficulty with sustaining attention span for most tasks

• Trouble listening when others are talking

• Procrastination

• Trouble keeping an organized area (room, desk, book bag, locker, etc.)

• Frequently late or hurried

• Tendency to loose things

• Poor attention to detail; makes careless mistakes

• Forgetful

• Daydreams excessively

• Complains of being bored

• Appears apathetic or unmotivated

• Is tired, sluggish or slow-moving

• Is spacey or seems preoccupied


He exhibits at least 11 of those characteristics. Can you please tell me what steps/actions you have taken. Did you bring this up with your pediatrician and go from there?

Thanks!
Cristy

 

[Rora]

sounds like an Imagineer to me!

Mikeeee

My thoughts exactly!!

OP- hang in there. I would keep pushing him to do his work but also makes sure he sets aside time in his day to let some of that creative energy out.

Your son sounds like me at that age- I was really imaginative, creative, a daydreamer.

Have you guys talked about what he wants to be when he grows up (sorry, I missed the age in the post...)? If he wants do something that requires a college degree, make sure he realizes how important school is and enforce how there's always time for writing, drawing, etc AFTER.

Also, and again, haven't seen the age of your DS, as he gets older you and he may find that "normal" school simply isn't for him. When I was in middle school I transfered to a Middle School for the Arts. It was perfect for me. I still got my art in during the day (at least 2-3 classes worth) and I got my academics. But at this school academics weren't done in the traditional way- if we had to write an essay for a class, we could illustrate it if that would make us more interested, or make it into a play instead. I attended a high school like this as well.

OP- again, no other words but these. I hope things get better!!

 

[SaraJayne]

Wow! I'd never even heard of this. Thanks!

SYMPTOMS

• Easily distracted

• Difficulty with sustaining attention span for most tasks

• Trouble listening when others are talking

• Procrastination

• Trouble keeping an organized area (room, desk, book bag, locker, etc.)

• Frequently late or hurried

• Tendency to loose things

• Poor attention to detail; makes careless mistakes

• Forgetful

• Daydreams excessively

• Complains of being bored

• Appears apathetic or unmotivated

• Is tired, sluggish or slow-moving

• Is spacey or seems preoccupied


He exhibits at least 11 of those characteristics. Can you please tell me what steps/actions you have taken. Did you bring this up with your pediatrician and go from there?

Thanks!
Cristy

Gee, I don't know about anyone else, but almost all those traits sound like a typical adolescent. Do we really need to put a label on everything?

OP, you've gotten some good advice from other posters, so I'll just .

 

[mjkacmom]

Gee, I don't know about anyone else, but almost all those traits sound like a typical adolescent. Do we really need to put a label on everything?

OP, you've gotten some good advice from other posters, so I'll just .

My neighbor's ds was diagnosed ADD in grade school, was medicated, and he improved significantly. One of the major signs of inattentive ADD is doing the work, but not handing it in.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My 13yodd will do this however she is being treated for anxiety/depression. Counseling is helping her a lot. I know the frustration you are speaking of.

Some of the problems are very simple and easy to understand, like being able to talk to the teacher about missing work, grades, etc. Now she can do that when is a getting good grades however when she is missing work she was avoiding talking to the teacher.

I guess the key to your post is when you said that "punishment" is not working, I would seek out medical/mental causes if you have not do so.

 

[live4christp1]

My thoughts exactly!!

OP- hang in there. I would keep pushing him to do his work but also makes sure he sets aside time in his day to let some of that creative energy out.

Your son sounds like me at that age- I was really imaginative, creative, a daydreamer.

Have you guys talked about what he wants to be when he grows up (sorry, I missed the age in the post...)? If he wants do something that requires a college degree, make sure he realizes how important school is and enforce how there's always time for writing, drawing, etc AFTER.

Also, and again, haven't seen the age of your DS, as he gets older you and he may find that "normal" school simply isn't for him. When I was in middle school I transfered to a Middle School for the Arts. It was perfect for me. I still got my art in during the day (at least 2-3 classes worth) and I got my academics. But at this school academics weren't done in the traditional way- if we had to write an essay for a class, we could illustrate it if that would make us more interested, or make it into a play instead. I attended a high school like this as well.

OP- again, no other words but these. I hope things get better!!

Thanks!

He's 12, in the 7th grade. This has been a struggle for a long time. Last year his teacher deemed him "unteachable". He wants to be a zoo keeper and one day own his own zoo. He has a special connection with animals. Is very calm, gentle, and they respond to him in different ways than to most. We've seen it in our own pets, as well as interactions at the zoo. We've always encouraged this, he attends zoo camp, etc., we keep a zoo membership and are always visiting a zoo here or there in our travels. He knows more about animals than I could ever want to know. He loves to read to and for fun will read encyclopedias about animals. He would really like to go to work at Animal Kingdom or Busch Gardens at some point. We have talked a lot about what this is going to mean school wise......especially if he wants to work with the animals and not just be cleaning cages, etc.

He will sit for hours and draw his zoo, the layout, all the animals, the attractions, etc.

He loves the zoo application on facebook and I thought when he was grounded from that it would be a wake up call and we would get back on track but it hasn't worked. DH said if it doesn't change no zoo camp this year.....this year is pretty important as after attending this years session he will be qualified and of age to be a junior volunteer at the zoo, something he is really looking forward to doing.

Thanks again!
Cristy

 

[live4christp1]

My neighbor's ds was diagnosed ADD in grade school, was medicated, and he improved significantly. One of the major signs of inattentive ADD is doing the work, but not handing it in.

That has happened. At the end of first 9 weeks we went to parent teacher conference. They were all telling us how well he was doing, etc. Social Studies teacher actually said "his grade would have been higher in my class but he didn't turn in a project that counted as two grades." She said, "I know he did it, we did them in class and I saw it, he just didn't turn it in." Yesterday I asked if he had turned in the science assignment he had done the night before (already two days late). His response, "she didn't ask for it."

 

[live4christp1]

My 13yodd will do this however she is being treated for anxiety/depression. Counseling is helping her a lot. I know the frustration you are speaking of.

Some of the problems are very simple and easy to understand, like being able to talk to the teacher about missing work, grades, etc. Now she can do that when is a getting good grades however when she is missing work she was avoiding talking to the teacher.

I guess the key to your post is when you said that "punishment" is not working, I would seek out medical/mental causes if you have not do so.

Thanks! That is something I've considered also. We changed schools this year and this is all new to him. First time he's ever had to go from one class to another, etc. Teachers said he seemed to be adjusting fine. One said he is very quiet. Last night when DH was questioning him on why he was not following through on turning in the late work, etc. he said he was nervous around his new teachers.

 

[mjkacmom]

How is he with other kids? Adults? Have you looked into aspergers? Those kids tend to be better with adults than other children, are very bright, and tend to really focus on what interests them (planes and presidents are 2 interests of 2 kids I know with aspergers). They can tell you everything and anything about them.

 

[DancingBear]

I was an ADHD skeptic until our DS made me a believer. The most interesting thing I've read on the subject recently was this article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/21/AR2009092103100.html

Not so much about the chemicals, etc., but about the concept of it being an "interest deficit" rather than an "attention deficit", because ADHD parents often comment that their kids can focus on certain things they enjoy without any issue. Getting my kid to focus enough to complete homework assignments (even those which I certainly know he is capable of doing) can be tremendously difficult, but he can sit and play with Legos for a couple of hours at a time, knows exactly which piece he is looking for among the two buckets full of Lego pieces he has, and builds the most amazing things with them.

 

[AlternateEgo]

Wow! I'd never even heard of this. Thanks!

SYMPTOMS

• Easily distracted

• Difficulty with sustaining attention span for most tasks

• Trouble listening when others are talking

• Procrastination

• Trouble keeping an organized area (room, desk, book bag, locker, etc.)

• Frequently late or hurried

• Tendency to loose things

• Poor attention to detail; makes careless mistakes

• Forgetful

• Daydreams excessively

• Complains of being bored

• Appears apathetic or unmotivated

• Is tired, sluggish or slow-moving

• Is spacey or seems preoccupied


He exhibits at least 11 of those characteristics. Can you please tell me what steps/actions you have taken. Did you bring this up with your pediatrician and go from there?

Thanks!
Cristy

Good grief... I exhibit 11 of those characteristics...

 

[live4christp1]

How is he with other kids? Adults? Have you looked into aspergers? Those kids tend to be better with adults than other children, are very bright, and tend to really focus on what interests them (planes and presidents are 2 interests of 2 kids I know with aspergers). They can tell you everything and anything about them.

I considered that as well. But it doesn't seem to fit. In some instances yes, others not so much. For instance. He has friends and does well with everyone from those younger than him (couple of cousins down from us that he plays with a lot 5th grade & 3rd grade, his age kids at church - though sometimes he tends to hang out alone, at his old school he was good friends with a lot of the older teenagers as well as kids his age.) Sometimes I watch him with the youth group at church and get concerned but then I think I'm really overanalyzing and jumping to conclussions. Every other place we go he always makes friends really easy.....at the pool on vacation he will have found playmates in no time, at zoo camp (we will be out and about and kids come up to him and speak.....that I don't know, when I ask where he knows them from......oh, that's one of my friends from zoo camp). Scouts both his troop and any district activities he always has a group of buddies.

 

[live4christp1]

I was an ADHD skeptic until our DS made me a believer. The most interesting thing I've read on the subject recently was this article:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/21/AR2009092103100.html

Not so much about the chemicals, etc., but about the concept of it being an "interest deficit" rather than an "attention deficit", because ADHD parents often comment that their kids can focus on certain things they enjoy without any issue. Getting my kid to focus enough to complete homework assignments (even those which I certainly know he is capable of doing) can be tremendously difficult, but he can sit and play with Legos for a couple of hours at a time, knows exactly which piece he is looking for among the two buckets full of Lego pieces he has, and builds the most amazing things with them.

DS is animals & Star Wars. When he was little he loved the small plastic animals. He had one of those huge rubbermaid totes to hold them there were so many. But he could remember which ones came together in a package and out of 500/600 little plastic animals he could tell you if any were missing. Now it's more knowledge about animals. If we go to a keeper talk at a zoo, he will answer all the questions that are asked and then some....giving them more information than they ask for. He also reads everything he can get his hands on about Star Wars and beats DH and I at Star Wars Trivia pursuit. Some of the questions are so hard.......names I've never heard given in the movies.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks! That is something I've considered also. We changed schools this year and this is all new to him. First time he's ever had to go from one class to another, etc. Teachers said he seemed to be adjusting fine. One said he is very quiet. Last night when DH was questioning him on why he was not following through on turning in the late work, etc. he said he was nervous around his new teachers.

He has given you one reason why he is not on track. I would focus on that piece right there.

"Role play" talking to the teacher about his missing work or what is due, write things out for him to practice saying. If you think the school counselor will help you can reach out there.

Be proactive with the homework situation. Look with him online daily, have him write stuff in his planner, teach him to organize.

My dd is grounded from her computer, Nintendo DS, and her stuffed animals (that is for lack of room cleaning). So I do have incentive to work on things.