How do you react?-Hurtful Words from Teens

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think it might be worth considering seeing a counselor (for you). It seems there are definitely some issues in your household that you could use professional advice on. Having people say your children are spoiled brats is indicative of a problem. Being resentful of your younger child is indicative of a problem. Good luck.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm confused. Your mother calls your kids spoiled brats, but everyone says your daughter is the greatest kid ever?

 

[golfgal]

First, your life needs to STOP revolving around your children. They can still be important but you need to step back. I agree that counseling might be a good choice for you too.

 

[NMAmy]

How old are your dd's again? Personally, I think teenage girls are just the worst. I loved dd deeply but didn't particularly LIKE her on and off for a few years.

The lack of respect would bother me more than anything. They do tend to say hurtful things but I found it best to learn not to engage. I was the grownup so I had to act it (even though I often wanted pick her up to put her in her room like a toddler or to yell back.) It seems like you're really struggling. Do you think some family counseling would be helpful?

 

[MichelleVW]

First, your life needs to STOP revolving around your children. They can still be important but you need to step back. I agree that counseling might be a good choice for you too.

Seriously, I love my children, but they do not come first in my life....that role is reserved for my husband.

 

[Hoodie]

First, your life needs to STOP revolving around your children. They can still be important but you need to step back. I agree that counseling might be a good choice for you too.

This. They don't have to have respect for you because they know that your life revolves around them.

 

[SC Minnie]

DD16 will say the 'you NEVER do anything for me' or 'you are ALWAYS mean to me' etc. I don't let it bother me. When she says I never do anything for her I tell her, well, the next time you need X don't ask me because I never do anything for you and the next time you want me to take you to Y don't ask because I never do anything for you. And on and on. Shuts her up real fast.

And you know what I have told her since she was little and the first time she was mad and me and said 'you're not my friend!'. I don't have to be her friend, I am her mother. My job is not to be the most liked person in her world. If I let her do anything and everything she wanted then I wouldn't be a good parent. Being a good parent mean saying No sometimes.

And start doing things for yourself. Your life should not be revolving around them. What are you going to do when they go to college or move out on the their own?

 

[Deb in IA]

Let me just point out that I go above and beyond for my kids. Everything I do in my life revolves around them.

I think you need to take time to do things for yourself. It will help your self-esteem and make you a more interesting person to your kids.

Being too invested in your kids, especially teenagers, is not good for you and it is not good for them.

Let them grow up and do things for themselves. At this age, they need their freedom, within reason, of course.

 

[Magpie]

Do you have a partner?

Whenever my husband thinks the kids are being disrespectful toward me, he steps up and makes them rethink their words. They see him treat me with respect, and know he won't tolerate any disrespect from them, where I'm concerned. A supportive partner makes a big difference. Plus, you can present a united front on issues.

Also, have you been making an effort to be kind to your daughter, even though she might not deserve it?

Last night, for instance, I lost my temper over a school issue and actually raised my voice to my son, which had him yelling back and then withdrawing to his room. But... I decided that because we'd been fighting that THIS was the day I needed to spend more time with him, in a positive way. I don't like negativity - I try hard to bring us back to a good place whenever we go there. So last night I sat in on his violin class and was openly proud of him, and he got to show off for me. By the time the class was over, he was ready for a hug from me and he was bouncing all the way home.

One rule I made for myself when the kids were small was that whenever I found myself really wanting to push them away - that was exactly the time I needed to pull them closer. Whether it's a hug, a video game, or washing the dishes together, or going to a class... whatever it takes, when I don't want to spend time with them, that's when I need to spend MORE time with them.

Good luck! I do think a counsellor could help you with this.

P.S. Reading other comments I have to add that my life does not revolve around my kids. My husband comes first, then my writing. I tend to let the kids do what they like, as long as they aren't hurting themselves or anyone else. I try to support them, and step in when there's problems, but otherwise their lives are their own. I was micro-managed as a teenager, and I promised I'd never do that to my own kids. My kids are their own people. They're not extensions of me. They'll be gone onto their own lives in a few years.

 

[Holly]

First, your life needs to STOP revolving around your children. They can still be important but you need to step back. I agree that counseling might be a good choice for you too.

One more for this advice.



We should be focused on our chidren but not to the point that it gives them all the power in the family. It sounds like your daughter is manipulating you.

 

[Tink888]

I think it might be worth considering seeing a counselor (for you). It seems there are definitely some issues in your household that you could use professional advice on. Having people say your children are spoiled brats is indicative of a problem. Being resentful of your younger child is indicative of a problem. Good luck.

This. They don't have to have respect for you because they know that your life revolves around them.

I agree with the above posts.

As far as when my teens say hurtful things.....I let it roll off my back. Everyone is capable of saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment. Teens, both boys and girls, are big balls of hormones, who aren't young kids but not adults yet either. I get mad at my kids but there's never a question that I love them more than anything in the world and I know, in spite of their words sometimes, that they feel the same way about their father and I.

 

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[happygirl]

I think family counseling would be a great thing for you all

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, I can really feel for you!!!!!

But, looking at it..... kids (especially pre-teens and teens) are just known for this kind of thing. Some are masterful... Kids know how to push the right buttons, and it can come with the territory.

I know it is hard, I know how it feels... Yep, it kind of sucks to see my preteen son suck up to others, and not always show the respect and love that I think he should to ME.... After all, I am the 'mom', the 'heavy'... and that's just the way it is.

But, I know that the advice you are getting here is correct.
You need to not take it so personally.
Hide your buttons.
And, while we all know that great mom's are pretty darned devoted to their families... You can't go around 'showing' that to your kids too much.

I agree that you need to 'step back', and regroup the family dynamics...
Everyone should treat everyone with some basic respect...
General, Basic, End of story....

How about the girls Father???

Anyhow,
Disengage with your DD.
(ie. She says "I HATE you...." You in reply... "Yes, that's nice dear..."

You have 'engaged'.
She is pushing your buttons, emotionally....
She is doing what she knows to do as 'winning'.
But, really there are no winners.

Good Luck!!!!

Just know that there a gazillion parents of teens/preteens who are going thru the same thing.... Probably been going on since the beginning of time!

 

[Magpie]

Just to reply, yes, I am married, almost 20 years. My husband works evenings, so he is not there a lot to know what goes on. And he doesn't like to get involved. And people think she's the greatest because she saves all her anger for me!!

That's a problem, because she's his daughter and you're his wife. He can't not be involved.

Family counselling will definitely help you step back and see things more clearly. It's possible your daughter is wrong and just abusing you for no good reason. It's also possible she's got legitimate grievances. The only way to find out is to get outside help.

Call your family doctor today and make an appointment to see him. Explain the problem and ask your doctor for a referral to a clinical psychologist or a family therapist. (Some docs will do this over the phone, but most will want to talk to you in person.) Then go see the psych first by yourself to come up with a basic plan, before making appointments for the rest of the family. Your husband's work insurance may cover a fair bit of the cost and having a referral from your doctor is necessary for that.

(P.S. If your doctor refers your whole family for therapy, you'll get better insurance coverage, than if he refers just you.)

 

[Robinrs]

First, your life needs to STOP revolving around your children. They can still be important but you need to step back. I agree that counseling might be a good choice for you too.

My life revolves around my child, but he does NOT disrespect me, ever. That is not the issue or the problem.

It's a balance, and it is reciprocal. We only get treated the way we EXPECT or ask to be treated.

Think of someone you would NEVER disrespect or talk back to. Why not? Because everything about them says you cannot. NO ONE talked back to my Mom. She had a demeanor that demanded respect. She never had to ask for it or yell for it, she just got it. These people GET IT.

It is not too late. Most of the time when a child is taking it out on a parent it's because it's allowed. My son is NOT allowed, not even for a second, to talk disrespectfully to me. He's known this since birth. It has to be established early but it can be done with help.

You might try counseling but first realize that you cannot let the words get to you. You are in charge and you're allowing them to control you. They want you to crumble, don't do it.

Hang in there, you're a Mama Lion, not a cub. Let them know who's boss.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here, I've written some more specific thoughts into your original post...

But to be told by your teen "You don't care about me" and other horrible things are so hurtful.
First, this is classic... You don't treat me like a little snowflake and say and do everything I want... so you don't 'care'.... Classic!!! I am sitting here thinking "ummmm, yeah right!!!"

How do you handle this? I get very, very upset. I think I may be feeding it by getting upset and saying things back.
Yes, this is a mistake..... Disengage.... Descalate...

Not hurtful things but pointing out things that make me right.
Hey, remember, it's not about you being 'right'...
Like I said, in some situations, there are no winners...
You may be 'right', but that doesn't make anyone the winner here.

Should I learn to ignore?
Yes, in a way...
Not necessarily point-blank 'ignore'....
But, Disingage and Descalate...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have 2 teenage dd's who are 19 and 14. Do they act bratty and say mean things sometimes, sure they do.

However it will be met with scathing retorts. All of us are practiced in the art of "talking smack" to each other and frankly you would be opening yourself up to a challenge.

If my dd said "you don't care about me" or other such nonsense, I think I would laugh my head off. They know it is not true, I know it is not true and it is a clear manipulation tactic that went out with elementary school to be honest.

So in short, I think that you need to take back your power here and perhaps get some counseling to find out why you allow your teens to manipulate you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That's a problem, because she's his daughter and you're his wife. He can't not be involved.

Yes, I agree....
I think this a very big issue here.