How do you help someone when they don't think they need help? UPDATE -

[TRUFFLES13]

I have posted in the past about DH. He is bipolar and is self medicating himself with drugs and drinking. It has been pretty bad the last couple of weeks, he said he wanted to go to the hospital last Sunday, but he didn't because he wanted to be home for Christmas.

He has been staying out all night "partying" he has admitted to doing drugs. He then comes home and sleeps most of the day. I am really afraid he is going to lose his job, which we need because my company closed and I only have about a month left. We need his benefits and pay.

I no nothing about drugs, he doesn't want my help - I'm the bad one who doesn't let him do what he wants!

What do I do, get his family involved, just let him be. How do you help someone that doesn't think they need help?

UPDATE - DH checked himself into the hospital last night, hoping this is a start. He was the one that said he needed to go into the hospital. Thank you all for your support.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I can not offer any suggestions because I have no experience with this. I can just offer you

 

[disneylizzy]

The sad part is that you can't. But you can take care of you. Have you ever looked into NA? Take care - you probably know what you need to do.

 

[snowball22]

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Have you ever been to Al-Anon for yourself to understand what your dh is doing to himself? I have watched a few people in my lifetime in your dh's situation. These people can't be helped unless they truely want to help themselves. You can't make them or force them to want to change. Many times, people like this will make half hearted attempts to change not for themselves, but for the people around them which usually doesn't work.

I can't remember if you have children or not. If you do, and this is just my opinion, I think you need to remove yourself and the children from the situation and find another place to live temporarily. Then you need to ask yourself if you and the kids are better off with or without him. Do some real soul searching. I know you want to fix and change the situation for the better but if dh doesn't 100% want to help himself, then it will never work.

I wish you all the best!!

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Yes we have a DS. I really want to stay in my house, we own a Townhouse that we are trying to sell, if that gets sold the profit from that would go into our house and the mortgage payment would be almost the same as paying for a 4 room apartment.

Plus my DS just got a dog last Feb. and it is very hard to find an apartment that will take dogs.

I know if I ask DH to leave he will - I am just trying to think everything thru without making any stupid choices and do what is best for me & DS. I know I deserve so much better then this.

 

[tkd lisa]

I do want to send you hugs, and I will be praying for you.

My husband is bi-polar, and I lived with this for 16 years. This summer, he just wouldn't recognize that his meds weren't working, and I tried everything to get him to go back to the doctor for help. I finally told him that he had to move out, hoping that it would get him to understand that he needed help.

Making a very long story short, he continued to spiral down, and ended up coming after the children and me with a gun. Thank God, the police were able to stop him, and he's now in jail facing serious charges.

I say all this to tell you that if you want my advice, you need to run, not walk to your husbands' doctor and tell him what's happening. You might be able to have him committed (it varies by state, and I wasn't able to do this). But regardless, you need to get yourself and your child to a safe place. I NEVER in a million years thought that my husband would threaten me, but it happened. And now that it did, I'm not personally willing to take that risk EVER again. My divorce will be final in a month, and he only has a mailing address for us. I don't fool myself that he couldn't find us if he wanted to, but please take this as a wake up call.

If you want to talk, feel free to pm me. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[floridafam]

You can't sit back and do nothing, you have a son.

You mention that you'll have cash if you sell your house. Don't you think there is a chance he will take off with the money?

You should call his family and the proper authorities.

Can't you commit him to a hospital if he is a danger to himself?

IMO, you either have to do everything you can or you have to leave and let him hit rock bottom. By staying, you're just sitting on a ticking bomb.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

In my case, it's my mother who's bipolar. I had to walk away years ago for my own sanity. I truly felt that if I didn't, I would get sucked into her world.

If he refuses to get help, you must protect yourself and your son. Even the $$ is a distant second to those two things. If you aren't able to get him to commit himself or get an involuntary confinement, you must leave. He will only get worse.

I know it's hard. My mom's social worker said that, on average, it takes six admissions before a bipolar person recognizes that they can't be off meds. Painful as it is, you must protect your child, at the expense of your husband if necessary. We never considered my mom to be violent, but during her last episode, she was threatening to slit her dog's throat. The real irony in her case is, during her hospitalization, they diagnosed early dementia. We had to put her in an assisted living facility (she's legally blind as well, with bad knees). Anyway, because she's under professional care, she's taking her meds, it's a condition of living there, so her bipolarity is under control for the first time in her life...but she's losing her mind. It's really sad, and not likely to get better.

I will keep you in my thoughts. Please do what's best for you and your son.

 

[minkydog]

I do want to send you hugs, and I will be praying for you.

My husband is bi-polar, and I lived with this for 16 years. This summer, he just wouldn't recognize that his meds weren't working, and I tried everything to get him to go back to the doctor for help. I finally told him that he had to move out, hoping that it would get him to understand that he needed help.

Making a very long story short, he continued to spiral down, and ended up coming after the children and me with a gun. Thank God, the police were able to stop him, and he's now in jail facing serious charges.

I say all this to tell you that if you want my advice, you need to run, not walk to your husbands' doctor and tell him what's happening. You might be able to have him committed (it varies by state, and I wasn't able to do this). But regardless, you need to get yourself and your child to a safe place. I NEVER in a million years thought that my husband would threaten me, but it happened. And now that it did, I'm not personally willing to take that risk EVER again. My divorce will be final in a month, and he only has a mailing address for us. I don't fool myself that he couldn't find us if he wanted to, but please take this as a wake up call.

If you want to talk, feel free to pm me. I will be praying for you and your family.

Man... You need a hug What a brave woman.

 

[Aidensmom]

Depending on where you live, you may be able to have him involuntarily admitted to a hospital if he is a threat to his own or to someone else's well being. Here in Florida, it is called the Baker Act, and basically you fill out a request for a judge to involuntarily admit the person to a hospital, and the police will pick him up and take him.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

He is bipolar and is self medicating himself with drugs and drinking.

This is a disaster in the making. I agree with the others who recommended talking to his doctor and considering hospitalization. Good luck and

 

[KathyFP]

Call his Doctor
Is there anyone else he will listen to
Have a saftey plan for you and child

 

[tkd lisa]

Call his Doctor
Is there anyone else he will listen to
Have a saftey plan for you and child

Oh, how could I have forgotten the safety plan? It's VERY important!

I had never heard of this until the social worker told me about it. Basically, you decide where your "safe" place is (don't pick an obvious place like your parents), and make sure you have copies of important documents like birth certificates, social security cards, etc. there. It truly saved me. My husband was actually released from jail temporarily, and when he was, I was able to get my documents without his knowing where they were. That's when I decided to leave the state. It let me register my kids in Florida schools quickly, so I disrupted their life as little as possible.

The local women's shelter or victim's advocacy center is also a great resource for you.

You might also need to file for a restraining or protective order. It can be intimidating, but since you have a child, you'll need that as it's the best way to get sole custody. I was very greatful to have it, since it enabled me to move out of state without notifying my husband. It will also allow the police to confiscate any weapons that you husband owns. The police were the ones who really pressed me to do this, since they couldn't legally take weapons other than the one he threatened us with. The protective order let them take everything, including some serious hunting knives that he owned. They hold them for the period of the restraining order, then I'm really not sure what happens to them afterward.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

He was seeing a Dr. for a while, which I did meet once when DH wanted to go into this rehab. place that dealt with mental issues and addictions. The Dr. didn't think he needed to and just gave him a different medication which was to help him sleep. I can't even tell you the last time he saw this Dr.

Thank you for sharing your stories and support.

tdk lisa - I would never think my DH would do something like that, but after reading your story I guess you never know.

 

[Stitchfans]

You have to remember that they are not thinking straight when they are in a middle of an episode. This episode has been going on for a very long time cause I remember your last post a while back. If he hasn't gone for help by now and hasn't gotten it then you better make sure you and your ds is safe. Yes, make him leave, get a order of protection. He needs to be committed to get himself well. He needs to get on proper medication and stay on it.

There are many people who live in shelters become homeless because they or a loved one is bi polar and have spent all the money foolishly. Either get him out of your life permantly or make sure he gets help. He can and will ruin you financially or even worse can/will physically hurt you or your ds. I've seen it happen. I know what I am talking about. Please if not for your sake, your sons- do something! Ask him to leave, and get his name legally off everything before you lose everything. Yes, if need to divorce him so be it, but protect yourself.

 

[S. C.]

.

Thank you for sharing your stories and support.

tdk lisa - I would never think my DH would do something like that, but after reading your story I guess you never know.

Please... listen to what everyone is telling you. one of my husbands friends from work had a GF who is bi-polar. He kept going back to her after many times of breaking up. He never thought she would harm him either. one night after they were arguing she waited untill he fell asleep and stabbed him in the back killing him.

I also know a young man in his 30's who has an ex GF who is bi-polar. They have 2 children together. She has come after him & their children several times with a knife. The last time that it happen she was after their daughter with a knife and he had to physically hit her to get her away from the child.

She pressed charges against him for violence. Long story short he is the one on probation for 2 yrs & now has a domestic abuse record. Before all of this happen he had a clean record & had never hit a woman, he did what he had to do to protect his child. The court would not let her past record be brought out for his defense.
She is little tiny woman and got in court crying and putting on the poor me act and the court bought it.

Six months later she tried to have him put in jail saying that he contacted her and broke his probation. (she was mad at him since he wouldn't talk to her on the phone or take her back) When it went to court he proved other wise by playing a voice mail with her screeming and swearing into the phone saying she was going to have someone drive by his house and do a drive by shooting.

After all of that happen She went after her sisters child with a knife and her and her sister ended up in a fist fight because of it.

Both of these men had said in the past that they didn't think these women would ever try to hurt them.

 

[minkydog]

Glad to hear the update. Let's hope he will stay long enough to get treatmet he will stick with.Unmedicated bipolar disorder is a very scary thing. We had to hospitalize my DS19 twice last year for suicidal & homicidal threats. I never woulda thought...but on the bright side, he's doing well now. Good luck on hubby's hospitalization(and i still think you need a plan.)

 

[Chicago526]

UPDATE - DH checked himself into the hospital last night, hoping this is a start. He was the one that said he needed to go into the hospital. Thank you all for your support.

That's wonderful!!!! It's great that he sees he needs help. It means he's not so far gone that he has really lost touch with reality, and that he'll get the help he needs. Do be carefull, if he checked himself in, he can check himself out again, even if he isn't ready. But it's a sign of hope!

 

[mickeyboat]

UPDATE - DH checked himself into the hospital last night, hoping this is a start. He was the one that said he needed to go into the hospital. Thank you all for your support.

So glad to hear he is getting the help he needs. Good thoughts coming your way for a healthy new year.

Denae

 

[chell]

Glad to hear he went to the hospital. Not to bring you down or anything just remember not to expect any miracles when he returns home. After he is released it will still take a lot of work to keep him on the right track - a lot of hard work. It is so easy for them to slip back into their old lifestyle. Like I said, I'm not trying to bring you down but I do want you to know what to expect. I don't want you to get your hopes all up then be crushed. I will keep you and your family in my prayers though.

Just so you know I am speaking from experience. You do have a very tough road ahead. When he gets out things are going to be so difficult for him and his mood swings may be worse for a while if he doesn't take his meds like he should. My DH didn't have a problem with drugs, only drinking but that was enough to cause him some major problems. Over the years we had so many ups and downs. There seemed to be more downs than anything but right now I would give anything to have one more minute with him even if it was one of those bad times.

I know it is hard to decide what to do and it is hard to know you are making the right decisions. My advise to you is that if you truly love him don't push him away. If he feeds off of you try to find new ways to make that stop. I pushed mine away because I had exhausted every other source and it was to the point I was afraid for my life at times. He relied on my so heavily and he needed me in his life in order to survive. I didn't understand that until the day I lost him. I didn't realize that I needed him to survive also. If he doesn't get better maybe you can find a way to keep you and your son safe but also at the same time keep enough contact to let him know you still love him and care about him. Sorry if it sounds like I am rambling but I do know what I am trying to say just don't know how to say it.

I tried so hard to keep my Junior from killing himself from drinking too much and from doing anything stupid in life but that still didn't save him in the end. No matter what you do just know that you should follow your heart. Don't regret any decisions you make. I know my situation isn't the normal, that it is an extreme case, but I still want people to know so that if they end up in my shoes they do not go through the hell I am going through right now.

I have questioned every decision I made about Junior and our life together. But if I had not done the things I had done he might have died another way. It had to be hims time to go no matter what and if the accident had not happened maybe it would have been his body giving out from the drinking and such. I don't know. If I had not made the decisions I did to try to help him I may not have the peace of knowing that he was happy when he died. He was extremely happy that night.

Sorry if this doesn't help you but in some way I do hope it can encourage you and help you to have some peace about the decisions you make. Do what you know is best for him and for you and your son. Do what you feel in your heart. Again, I do hope this helps you in some way.