How do you help a college age student

[golfgal]

OP--another idea for your son is to contact a local hospital and look into volunteering in the OT department. It is a good way to see if it is really something he would like.

OT is a GREAT field and in high demand so if he goes that route, gets his OT assistant certification, finds he really likes it, he can always go back and get his degree later.

 

[minkydog]

nevermind...

 

[golfgal]

Au contraire! A career interest test is more than just a list of possibilities. When properly done the student is counseled afterward so that they understand the requirements for the careers that interest them. For instance, when I did mine one of the things that came up was forest ranger and police officer, something I had never thought of. I had no idea what the training for a forest ranger or police officer consisted of and it was quite interesting. Ultimately I chose something else because the requirements were acheivable for me. If I hadn't taken the test I might have passed over a lot of possibilities.

OP, have you had a calm, frank conversation about this with your son? Is he really just hoping that you'll "give him permission" to quit school? My oldest son did similar things and he was quite relieved when we had that discussion. We decided together that school wasn't the right path at the time and that should he become serious about education later, we would revisit that. He went to work and was in hog heaven.

My son is only 23 and has not matured all that much, but you know? My brother was the same way. Didn't really get his act together until he was 27, with a wife and child. He went into the Navy and did very well. Never did go to college, but he makes a great living doing what he loves and living in the Outer Banks. My brother gives me hope for all the other immature man-boys of the world.

You didn't read the posts in the proper context--the OP said her son said that the career assessment tests were a waste of time because they would only steer him toward majors that the college offered and I said that his thinking was baloney. The tests are VERY VALUABLE and EVERYONE should take one--they just aren't rigged to go into something that is offered at the college.

 

[minkydog]

You didn't read the posts in the proper context--the OP said her son said that the career assessment tests were a waste of time because they would only steer him toward majors that the college offered and I said that his thinking was baloney. The tests are VERY VALUABLE and EVERYONE should take one--they just aren't rigged to go into something that is offered at the college.

As always, I stand corrected. I will now delete my post.

 

[cuethemusic]

After I graduated high school I still had NO idea what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, etc. My parents knew I wanted to go to college but being that I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to do I took about a year off. During this time, I worked in places related to majors I was interested in, just to see how I liked them. I was actually working with a film production company when it finally hit me what I wanted to do (which was unrelated to film production, but it lead me to the right answer somehow).

If he is taking time off, I recommend he look for jobs in fields that interest him. Maybe a light bulb will go off

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I graduated high school with a 1.7 gpa. My parents told me I could stay at home IF I had a part time job, paid my own car, insurance, etc., AND I went to college full time. I had to pay for college myself. Paying my own way in college was a real eye- opener. My gpa graduating from community college was 3.9 and I was accepted at University of Michigan. I graduated with a 3.71 gpa (my last semester tanked my gpa, I was working full time, taking full time classes and dealing with my dad's terminal illness). If I hadn't been forced to pay my own way, I don't know that I would have come around so quickly.

Look you shouldn't be paying for your son to get a 1.9 gpa. The way I see it, he owes you for that tuition money. I would quit helping him, quit doing for him. He needs to have the motivation to do the research himself. If he isn't capable of researching online tests and degree programs, he isn't ready to have someone's health and rehab in his hands. If he's looking for time to mature, that's fine, but it won't happen playing video games and working part time.

If it were my child, he'd either:
a)work full time and take some time off school. He'd be paying some rent and ALL his own expenses. Its one thing to help him out, its another to enable him.
b)work part time and go to college part time. He'd have to get loans for at least this next semester because I wouldn't pay another penny until the GPA is up and the major is selected.

Make it clear your responsibilities to him are over, he's a grown adult. He's responsible for himself now. Time to do or die.

I've seen so many moms over-do for their sons, and its such a dangerous, emasculating path.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I graduated high school with a 1.7 gpa. My parents told me I could stay at home IF I had a part time job, paid my own car, insurance, etc., AND I went to college full time. I had to pay for college myself. Paying my own way in college was a real eye- opener. My gpa graduating from community college was 3.9 and I was accepted at University of Michigan. I graduated with a 3.71 gpa (my last semester tanked my gpa, I was working full time, taking full time classes and dealing with my dad's terminal illness). If I hadn't been forced to pay my own way, I don't know that I would have come around so quickly.

Look you shouldn't be paying for your son to get a 1.9 gpa. The way I see it, he owes you for that tuition money. I would quit helping him, quit doing for him. He needs to have the motivation to do the research himself. If he isn't capable of researching online tests and degree programs, he isn't ready to have someone's health and rehab in his hands. If he's looking for time to mature, that's fine, but it won't happen playing video games and working part time.

If it were my child, he'd either:
a)work full time and take some time off school. He'd be paying some rent and ALL his own expenses. Its one thing to help him out, its another to enable him.
b)work part time and go to college part time. He'd have to get loans for at least this next semester because I wouldn't pay another penny until the GPA is up and the major is selected.

Make it clear your responsibilities to him are over, he's a grown adult. He's responsible for himself now. Time to do or die.

I've seen so many moms over-do for their sons, and its such a dangerous, emasculating path.

I totally agree with you however here is the problem in my situation....health insurance.

My dd needs to be full time to have health insurance. She has a repaired heart defect and a lapse in coverage is very bad.

How do you suggest you handle that in this economy?

 

[golfgal]

I totally agree with you however here is the problem in my situation....health insurance.

My dd needs to be full time to have health insurance. She has a repaired heart defect and a lapse in coverage is very bad.

How do you suggest you handle that in this economy?

I would send your DD to Community College full time or let her go to Texas like she wants. She needs to find a way to come up with the extra money to go there of course.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would send your DD to Community College full time or let her go to Texas like she wants. She needs to find a way to come up with the extra money to go there of course.

We cannot afford Texas so that is not an option on the table.

You are missing the point the my question. A college aged kid cannot afford "time off", so you have to pay for full time school in order for them to retain health insurance.

If for some reason she is hospitalized, paying for full tuition is peanuts compared to a uninsured hospital bill.

 

[golfgal]

We cannot afford Texas so that is not an option on the table.

You are missing the point the my question. A college aged kid cannot afford "time off", so you have to pay for full time school in order for them to retain health insurance.

If for some reason she is hospitalized, paying for full tuition is peanuts compared to a uninsured hospital bill.

I never said time off, I said send her to the community college for less money vs a 4 year college since she is not pulling her weight in a 4 year college. Also, I know you can't afford the school in Texas but if you tell her she can go IF she comes up with the extra money then the pressure is on HER shoulders, not yours and if she can't come up with the money it is her fault, not your fault. It's just some psychology is all.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I never said time off, I said send her to the community college for less money vs a 4 year college since she is not pulling her weight in a 4 year college. Also, I know you can't afford the school in Texas but if you tell her she can go IF she comes up with the extra money then the pressure is on HER shoulders, not yours and if she can't come up with the money it is her fault, not your fault. It's just some psychology is all.

She already knows this and like I said TX is not on the table. You need to read what I am posting.

I am talking about time off. Perhaps I need to repeat it again for you?

The insurance companies force your kids to go to college in order to retain health insurance. It would be nice if she could get some supplemental insurance while she works and goes to school part time to figure out what direction she wants to go.

 

[golfgal]

She already knows this and like I said TX is not on the table. You need to read what I am posting.

I am talking about time off. Perhaps I need to repeat it again for you?

Either you need her to go to community college to maintain her health insurance or she loses her health insurance--she CAN'T take time off-that is the point. The only other option is if she can get a full-time job that offers benefits.

I KNOW Texas isn't an option but if she comes up with a way to pay the difference in the cost, why can't she go??? Let HER figure that out if she really wants to go. She is 19, not 12, if she really wants to go there, she will find a way--working extra jobs, finding some scholarships, etc. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen but then it is her issue, not your issue.

 

[golfgal]

Another option would be to apply for an individual plan for her and see if she can get that. If they approve her, then she can do whatever she wants.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Either you need her to go to community college to maintain her health insurance or she loses her health insurance--she CAN'T take time off-that is the point. The only other option is if she can get a full-time job that offers benefits.

I KNOW Texas isn't an option but if she comes up with a way to pay the difference in the cost, why can't she go??? Let HER figure that out if she really wants to go. She is 19, not 12, if she really wants to go there, she will find a way--working extra jobs, finding some scholarships, etc. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen but then it is her issue, not your issue.

She already knows she can go and do that for herself. We are not forbidding her. She has not come up with a plan to go to TX. So that is why it is not an option here.

As far as a full time job with benefits, here in MO that is just not going to happen. This is a struggling city like Detroit.

We have several options we are going to go over with her. Going to a different school is on the table, a cheaper option is on the top of the list. Esp. since she is not sure of her degree program.

Maintaining her health insurance is very important.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, if she is 19 and doesn't want to cooperate with what she needs to do in order to maintain her health insurance, if something happens, it's really not going to be your problem is it? She'll be the one responsible for the medical bills.

Here's the deal with a 19 year old. They are an adult. They can't be an adult for the fun stuff and not be an adult for the not fun stuff. Life doesn't work that way.

If your kid is college material, then tell them to get their butt in gear and get into a college...be it 2 or 4 years...and find a program they like that will earn them a living. OP, if your DS is expressing interest in COTA, then tell him to find a COTA program and apply. Or tell him to find a job, or 2 jobs or 4 jobs in order to support himself because that is what he will be doing as of X date.

My parents made it very clear to my brother and I. They preferred we go to college. If we went to college we could live home rent free as long as our grades were good and they would help us pay for as much college as they could afford. We would be expected to participate in the household (ie-shovel snow, rake leaves etc) as needed, if it did not interfere with school. Our GPA needed to be maintained at 3.0, as they would not be paying for wasted college classes. Both of us had the ability to easily maintain a 3.0, so this was not a huge hardship. They also made it clear that they strongly preferred that we save some money too, since both of us worked all through college and did not have a rent payment. Any of our own bills (ie-credit card, car payment) were our responsibility. Cell phones were not in the picture back then, but if they were, we probably would have been giving some amount toward the cell phone family plan, I would imagine.

If we did not choose to go to college, then we would be working 40 hours per week at however many jobs it took to do that and we would be repsonsible for our own bills, including a rent payment. If we chose not to work 40 hours per week and thought we could hang out at home playing video games, then we also would have found ourselves living elsewhere.

A powerpoint presentation would have never played into it because my parents would have never felt the need to "present" anything to me. The above information was not imparted to me the day I turned 16...it was always just discussed as we were growing up...it was a known entity of my life..."you will go to college or you will work full time and we'd prefer college because we think it will set you up better for your life". There was no in between.

They weren't coddlers. They took it as their responsibility to prepare us for life and they started making their expectations clear at an early age.

 

[golfgal]

She already knows she can go and do that for herself. We are not forbidding her. She has not come up with a plan to go to TX. So that is why it is not an option here.

As far as a full time job with benefits, here in MO that is just not going to happen. This is a struggling city like Detroit.

We have several options we are going to go over with her. Going to a different school is on the table, a cheaper option is on the top of the list. Esp. since she is not sure of her degree program.

Maintaining her health insurance is very important.

There are jobs out there she just has to be willing to take anything. If she only makes $12/hour but gets benefits, it is what it is as long as you are willing to let her live at home.

Ok, I just did a search on Careerbuilder for the O' Fallon area--there are over 500 jobs posted there. I realize that she isn't qualified for many of them but there is a listing for an assistant manager at Bob Evans with full benefits and staring pay of $27K. There is a customer service job with full benefits, $11/hour. There is a records clerk at a law firm with full benefits. These are just the ones on the first page. It sounds like you need to lay down the law, get your rear in gear at school or find a full time job with benefits or move out and find your own way. Yes, maintaining her health insurance is very important but sometimes you have to let them learn the hard way. If she ends up in the hospital and and can't pay the bill, let her apply for state assistance and see how motivating that can be for her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, if she is 19 and doesn't want to cooperate with what she needs to do in order to maintain her health insurance, if something happens, it's really not going to be your problem is it? She'll be the one responsible for the medical bills.

Here's the deal with a 19 year old. They are an adult. They can't be an adult for the fun stuff and not be an adult for the not fun stuff. Life doesn't work that way.

If your kid is college material, then tell them to get their butt in gear and get into a college...be it 2 or 4 years...and find a program they like that will earn them a living. OP, if your DS is expressing interest in COTA, then tell him to find a COTA program and apply. Or tell him to find a job, or 2 jobs or 4 jobs in order to support himself because that is what he will be doing as of X date.

My parents made it very clear to my brother and I. They preferred we go to college. If we went to college we could live home rent free as long as our grades were good and they would help us pay for as much college as they could afford. We would be expected to participate in the household (ie-shovel snow, rake leaves etc) as needed, if it did not interfere with school. Our GPA needed to be maintained at 3.0, as they would not be paying for wasted college classes. Both of us had the ability to easily maintain a 3.0, so this was not a huge hardship. They also made it clear that they strongly preferred that we save some money too, since both of us worked all through college and did not have a rent payment. Any of our own bills (ie-credit card, car payment) were our responsibility. Cell phones were not in the picture back then, but if they were, we probably would have been giving some amount toward the cell phone family plan, I would imagine.

If we did not choose to go to college, then we would be working 40 hours per week at however many jobs it took to do that and we would be repsonsible for our own bills, including a rent payment. If we chose not to work 40 hours per week and thought we could hang out at home playing video games, then we also would have found ourselves living elsewhere.

A powerpoint presentation would have never played into it because my parents would have never felt the need to "present" anything to me. The above information was not imparted to me the day I turned 16...it was always just discussed as we were growing up...it was a known entity of my life..."you will go to college or you will work full time and we'd prefer college because we think it will set you up better for your life". There was no in between.

They weren't coddlers. They took it as their responsibility to prepare us for life and they started making their expectations clear at an early age.

Yea, I want my dd's health at risk. That is beyond foolish. Let's say she needs a valve job, you are looking at 100,000+.

We are not coddlers. However we do communicate with our children.

My dd is not failing or does not want to go to college. You are misunderstanding my postings.

We are looking to work with her to based on reality of money, the economy, health insurance and other factors.

 

[DisneyLover83]

Yea, I want my dd's health at risk. That is beyond foolish. Let's say she needs a valve job, you are looking at 100,000+.

We are not coddlers. However we do communicate with our children.

My dd is not failing or does not want to go to college. You are misunderstanding my postings.

We are looking to work with her to based on reality of money, the economy, health insurance and other factors.

After I left school and was working full time I purchased my own medical insurance as it was not offered through my employer. It was a high deductible emergency only type plan. The best thing my parents ever did was force me to deal with reality. She can get her own insurance even if a job doesn't offer it. I had mine thru Humana and I had previous condititions like you mention your daughter does.

 

[golfgal]

Yea, I want my dd's health at risk. That is beyond foolish. Let's say she needs a valve job, you are looking at 100,000+.

We are not coddlers. However we do communicate with our children.

My dd is not failing or does not want to go to college. You are misunderstanding my postings.

We are looking to work with her to based on reality of money, the economy, health insurance and other factors.

Sorry, but these two statements are completely contradictory. She is 19 years old, YOU should not be helping her look for a job.

I think we are all misunderstanding what you are saying because in one post you talk about having her take time off of school and then the next you talk about her wanting to be in college. You can't have it both ways, either she stays in college and gets her GPA up to an acceptable level--who cares what she majors in-just get a degree--OR she quits school and gets a full time job with benefits. There is no middle ground for her unless she wants to go in welfare and state aid so she can get medical insurance.

 

[Kirby]

decide what to major in? DS is 19. Did not do well in college his first year. Lived on campus and basically goofed off and partied. The 2nd year, this past fall, he was back home and did better but his GPA is still about 1.8. He wants to do the occupational therapy assistant program at the community college and I think he can get in based on his ACT score which was 22. Everyone I have talked to was very impressed with that score. I always thought he could do better but hey if they like it fine. He won't find out if he gets in this program until late May and if he doesn't he wants to go on to the 4 year college in our town. We are all for that but he has to have a major or we will not pay for anymore school. He says he does not want to go back to school until he knows he can make good grades.

He has pretty much taken all the core classes he can take at the community college except for Algebra and he could retake 2 or 3 more to pull up those grades. The 4 year university has a test you can take online to help you decide a major but DS made a good point. He thinks that test will gear you toward things they have majors in and not necessarily toward what you really would be interested in. So I tell him to take one that is not affiliated with a school and he says he will do this.

I don't know what else to do to help him. Right now he is working part time, living at home, playing video games, etc. He had been out of state working but that job played out. He really does not go out partying with his friends because most of them are gone off out of state to work. He is the only one in his close group wanting to go to college. He has only gone out maybe 3 times with his friends in the last month.

I am starting him doing one big chore a day at the house when he is not working because it is good for him and I need the work done. He does not need to just sit at home all day doing nothing.

Anyone been in this position? My mother never had any hand in my college education and decisions. She left it entirely up to me so I am not sure how far I need to get involved. I did put in a call to the 4 year college dean of students to see about him getting admitted with the low gpa and what he needed to do in that regard. I am just not sure how far I need to get involved. DH would have me do everything but I feel it should be DS doing all of the footwork.

To be honest, I don't have any answers for you. Our son changed his major 5 times before deciding upon one and then changed colleges when he did.

At this point, if your son were mine, he would be paying rent of some sort since he's not going to school full time. And definately would be helping around the house. He sounds like a good kid, just lost as so many are at that age. He sounds like he really doesn't want to go to school. Maybe a technical school of some sort would be good.

You are right about him doing all the groundwork. Once our son went to college, we backed off and he did all the paperwork, contacting the school, etc. He also pays for his tuition, we told him that we would not pay for him to make bad grades, so if he flunked it was on him not us. We don't feel obligated to pay for our children's college tuition. But we do help out with housing and insurance. He was also required to work after his first year in college.

What we do might not work for someone else but our son has done well with our methods. He has one year of college left, works 30 - 35 hours a week all still going to college full time and made over $30,000 last year in his job. Our daughter just began college in August and we are doing the same for her. Except she has chosen to work during her first year because she wants to be in a sorority which she has to pay for.

I think that you and your husband need to get on the same page concerning your son. Then you need to get with your son and discuss what you are going to do. Letting him drift like he is is not doing him any good and you know that. Doing things for him is not doing him any good either. I definately would not be helping him choose a major, that should be his decision alone. Maybe he should back off of college for a year or two till he gets his head straight, get a couple of part time jobs if that is all he can find. Sitting around the house is not doing him any good. Heck, I have a neice and nephew that are 25 years old and both have college degrees and they are still just bumming around because their parents did everything for them and didn't require them to do anything.

Good luck!