How do you handle the in-laws?

[ems_mom]

What do you do when you're married for 27 years and known each other longer still, but his family can still drive you crazy?

They have planned a "cousin's" reunion for a weekend date that we would have been on vacation. My husband has been with his company many years, but due to the economy, he gets less vacation than he did 5 years ago.

No one consulted him about the date, it was just posted on the email invite. He is the youngest of six and the youngest cousin. (I only know them from funerals.) He has no childhood memories with them except for Xmas parties and his Grandma's funeral (who passed more than ten years ago).

I don't know the cousins at all. They are 15-25 years older than me and live quite a distance away.

I really don't want to go, but am willing to put on a good face for a couple of hours. Herein lies the problem. DH thinks we must attend for at least four hours; I can't bear the thought. What do we do?

He is very angry that he wasn't consulted about the date, but being the youngest, he doesn't want to make waves.

Forgot to add the email invite has a sign up sheet for food; the invitees have a choice to make appetizers, fruit salads, potato salads, fruit plates, cheeses plates, or desserts for 12. Just what I was planning to do on my way to the beach with my own cooler of food for a week.

 

[Aisling]

I can see how annoyed you are that the reunion will interfere with your vacation plans. Maybe the in-laws felt it was too big of a deal to them to check with every cousin to see if the date works for everyone.

I say go for the 4 hours. Be positive, and you may really enjoy re connecting after so many years. As long as hubby wants to go, follow his lead. Just hope the food is good, at least!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do you do when you're married for 27 years and known each other longer still, but his family can still drive you crazy?

They have planned a "cousin's" reunion for a weekend date that we would have been on vacation. My husband has been with his company many years, but due to the economy, he gets less vacation than he did 5 years ago.

No one consulted him about the date, it was just posted on the email invite. He is the youngest of six and the youngest cousin. (I only know them from funerals.) He has no childhood memories with them except for Xmas parties and his Grandma's funeral (who passed more than ten years ago).

I don't know the cousins at all. They are 15-25 years older than me and live quite a distance away.

I really don't want to go, but am willing to put on a good face for a couple of hours. Herein lies the problem. DH thinks we must attend for at least four hours; I can't bear the thought. What do we do?

He is very angry that he wasn't consulted about the date, but being the youngest, he doesn't want to make waves.

Forgot to add the email invite has a sign up sheet for food; the invitees have a choice to make appetizers, fruit salads, potato salads, fruit plates, cheeses plates, or desserts for 12. Just what I was planning to do on my way to the beach with my own cooler of food for a week.

So you are saying you do not want him to burn vacation time to go to a "cousin's reunion"? Or you were going to go on vacation and now you have to go here instead?

My response to that is that it is his family and vacation time and if you do not want to go, then don't.

Is there somewhere else you want to go? Family that you want to catch up on? Maybe take that as a cue to go and do your own thing and he does his? I think that is fair.

 

[kacaju]

They have planned a "cousin's" reunion for a weekend date that we would have been on vacation.

No one consulted him about the date, it was just posted on the email invite. I don't know the cousins at all. They are 15-25 years older than me and live quite a distance away.

I really don't want to go, but am willing to put on a good face for a couple of hours. Herein lies the problem. DH thinks we must attend for at least four hours; I can't bear the thought. What do we do?

Married 20 years and about 7 years ago dh's family has decided to start holding reunions every two years. Like you I do not know these people and dreaded spending my vacation with them. (we are on a budget so the years they hold these reunions basically that is also my vacation)

After being to them for 3 times now it does get easier, I am now facebook friends with many of them which helps to get to know them.

Your dh wants to go... I would go for the day, talk to dh and if it is unbearable ask him is willing to leave early.

The only other thing if you really don't want to go and your dh is willing NOT to go, then you just tell them...sorry..we were not consulted with the date ansd we already have our vacation scheduled...

 

[Thundergod]

What you shoulda done was never have mentioned it to your husband. Pretend the email got routed to your spam folder or junk mail and you never received it.

 

[indimom]

Seems like the events I dread the most end up being the most fun. I'll hope that's the case for you. I do agree with the advice you've gotten so far, try to be positive and see if hubby will agree to bail early if it's unbearable.

 

[tomthebarncat]

I don't deal with them at all. My FIL is deceased and my MIL, made some extremely disturbing remarks to me when my dog was dying of cancer. I have nothing to say to her and she feels the same way about me. We have never met, as I married her son in Europe. She also told me she was hoping that he would marry a local girl from Flint, Michigan. Yeah, some young woman with 5 kids and 6 different baby daddies??? Sorry to disappoint you but that is not me! Sometimes living on another continent is a blessing!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Seems like the events I dread the most end up being the most fun. I'll hope that's the case for you. I do agree with the advice you've gotten so far, try to be positive and see if hubby will agree to bail early if it's unbearable.

Now see, I don't agree with this. Asking your DH to bail early for his event because I was not having a good time is something I would never do. This is a reunion not a pizza party at the neighbor's.

I would rather not go and let him spend all the time he wants having fun and catching up.

 

[wdwmom2]

If my hubby really wanted to go, I would suck it up and spend whatever amount of time at the reunion that my husband and I agree upon.

I would do this, because he would do it for me!!

 

[kirbsam]

my advice to you is to drink heavily

 

[bgirldeb]

If my hubby really wanted to go, I would suck it up and spend whatever amount of time at the reunion that my husband and I agree upon.

I would do this, because he would do it for me!!

Me too! As far as the food sign up, I would stop by a grocery store near the location and pick up a fruit or veggie tray or potato salad.

 

[pyrxtc]

Yeah, some young woman with 5 kids and 6 different baby daddies???

How does that work ? ^ daddies would mean at least 6 kids.

 

[Pigeon]

my advice to you is to drink heavily

We sort of have the same dynamic as dh is the youngest. Even though he is now in his fifties, his brothers, most of whom are pretty intolerable, treat him like he's eight.

For the most part, I try to stay out of it, but I don't play along. A few years ago, the brothers decided it would be nice to have a group vacation for a week on Nantucket, and told us how much our share of the house would be (Well over $1000). I'd rather set fire to my own hair than to vacation with these people, especially trapped on an island, and at the time I got two weeks off per year. We already had plans and he didn't want to go, either.

He paid up his part, which made me insane, but I kept quiet. He went for one weekend and I did not go at all. So, the others had a subsidized vacation on our dime.

In your case, if you are going, I'd sign up for appetizers and bring couple of bags of pretzels, either stay for a few hours or send him by himself, and call it a day.

 

[tlbwriter]

How do you handle it? First, you set boundaries. For example, one extremely reasonable boundary is "If we're invited to a family event with short notice, and we already have something planned, then we won't be able to attend." But of course your husband has to be on board for that to work, and it sounds like he's not.

So then you compromise. I'm a little confused about the conflict with your vacation - you said this is when you would have been in the middle of your vacation? Does that mean you're cutting your vacation short to attend the reunion? If so, there's your compromise - YOU are having less vacation, and HE will spend less time at the reunion. But if you're not actually shortening your vacation, a good compromise might be to spend 3 hours there (since you want 2 and he wants 4). Another compromise is to buy a couple of pints of potato salad (or whatever) instead of spending the time and money making something right before your vacation.

Now, the fact that he "doesn't want to make waves" makes me wonder if his insistence on 4 hours is less "I want to be there for a long time" and more "Someone will get mad/hurt if we don't stay long enough." If this is true, encourage him to be honest and tell his family that you already had plans, and it's only by delaying your own vacation that you get to come at all. Anyone who would get mad because you couldn't spend a long time at a gathering when you were given absolutely no input into the scheduling... well, that's not someone who's opinion would matter at all to me, KWIM?

 

[powellrj]

I would let him go by himself and let him spend as long as he wants to.

It would really make my angry if my DH made me leave early or miss a reunion that I really wanted to attend and they didn't. Its a one time thing. Its not like he wants to spend every weekend with these people.

I am guessing he is now in his middle years. I had no interest in these kind of things when I was younger, but now that I am getting older, its nice to be around people who remember the same people and places as I do when I was a kid. Let him have his afternoon. Have him stop at a store and pick up a veggie tray and be done with it.

 

[HM]

My family attended an extended family reunion for one of his parent's sides of the family a bunch of years back. Apparently they get together every few years in various places around the country. This time is was a couple hours away and we weren't busy that weekend so we went. It was a lovely little town in the mountains in a unique hotel. We didn't really know anybody except for the few immediate family members that went, but in the end had a really good time and enjoyed the company of so many nice people. I hope you guys go and find that it's a lot of fun 'meeting' all these new relatives! Sorry it's interfering with your vacation though.

 

[luvmy3]

If you only want to stay 2 hours, and he wants to stay 4, why not compromose and stay 3?

 

[ccgirl]

What do you do when you're married for 27 years and known each other longer still, but his family can still drive you crazy?

They have planned a "cousin's" reunion for a weekend date that we would have been on vacation. My husband has been with his company many years, but due to the economy, he gets less vacation than he did 5 years ago.

No one consulted him about the date, it was just posted on the email invite. He is the youngest of six and the youngest cousin. (I only know them from funerals.) He has no childhood memories with them except for Xmas parties and his Grandma's funeral (who passed more than ten years ago).

I don't know the cousins at all. They are 15-25 years older than me and live quite a distance away.

I really don't want to go, but am willing to put on a good face for a couple of hours. Herein lies the problem. DH thinks we must attend for at least four hours; I can't bear the thought. What do we do?

He is very angry that he wasn't consulted about the date, but being the youngest, he doesn't want to make waves.

Forgot to add the email invite has a sign up sheet for food; the invitees have a choice to make appetizers, fruit salads, potato salads, fruit plates, cheeses plates, or desserts for 12. Just what I was planning to do on my way to the beach with my own cooler of food for a week.

Here's the thing....not just with in laws but in general.

Other people's lives do not revolve around me. Sounds like your DH was not planning it? The relatives planning it probably picked a date that was good for them and hoped as many people came as possible. It is very hard to pick a date that works for everyone, especially when it involves many people. There is usually going to be someone left out. No reason to be angry really.

If your DH still wants to go, I don't see a problem. Go and support your DH. Sign up to bring something and have a great time.

 

[RachaelA]

My answer depends on whether or not your DH truly wants to go because he wants to see these people or because he feels like he HAS to go.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, either go for the sake of your DH and 'family'...
Or don't....

And, it's his call if he wants to attend or not.
It is his family.
And, he may very well feel that it would be completely rude to show up for one hour... eat the food, and then ditch them.

They really had no obligation, whatsoever, to clear the date with every single extended relative.

Haggling over two hours or four is just not the way to handle it.