How do you explain to a 12 & 14 yo?

[jazzielady]

that their stepbrother, whom they adore, will likely go to jail for a long time?

Bare bones of the story: He was caught in the act of stealing some contruction equipment, released on bail, was caught AGAIN, and is now in prison w/o bond.

I told my husband that we need to sit them down and tell them about it, as I know they've heard snippets of conversation, and I want them to have accurate information.

Any suggestions for age appropriate wording, how much and what to tell them?

 

[Katy Belle]

Just the truth. "We are so sorry to have to tell you this, but we want you to know the whole story. Jim was caught stealing some construction equipment. He is in jail. He will have to stay a long time. We will know exactly how long after the trial on ________. We are so sad about it and we still love him. He made a bad decision and this is the consequence."

If you know if they will be able to visit, etc... tell them that. Will he have e-mail...tell them.. Then get ready to answer their questions.

Sorry you are going through this
Katy

 

[Diva of Dragons]

Just the truth. "We are so sorry to have to tell you this, but we want you to know the whole story. Jim was caught stealing some construction equipment. He is in jail. He will have to stay a long time. We will know exactly how long after the trial on ________. We are so sad about it and we still love him. He made a bad decision and this is the consequence."

If you know if they will be able to visit, etc... tell them that. Will he have e-mail...tell them.. Then get ready to answer their questions.

Sorry you are going through this
Katy

Ditto!

12 & 14 year olds are pretty savvy. For something like this I think the blunt truth would be OK for a 5 year old. It's a great lesson and it doesn't leave any questions unanswered.......Good luck! Sorry you all have to deal with this! Hopefully, this will be the wake up call he needs to make better choices for himself.

 

[aprilgail2]

At 12 and 14 I would just sit down and tell them the truth--they are certainly old enough for you not to sugar coat anything and just tell them.

 

[abdmom]

As the Mom of an 11 year old and 14 year old, I agree with the previous posters. Stealing and jail are pretty basic concepts. I also have a 4 year old, btw, and he would understand them too.

 

[2Kds2K9]

I agree with all of the above. Also, make sure they know the true facts so they can counter any rumors from friends. Especially the 14YO.

 

[jazzielady]

I agree with all of the above. Also, make sure they know the true facts so they can counter any rumors from friends. Especially the 14YO.

Fortunately, stepson is not hubby's biological son. He raised him from an infant with his first wife though, and stepson has always considered him his father. He never formally adopted him, so his last name is not the same as ours, so any reports on the news will not use our name.

 

[golfgal]

I agree, they are 12 and 14 and fully capable of understanding what is going on. I don't think you need to worry about 'age appropriate' talks with them. The boy got caught stealing, twice, and is going to jail. It is pretty simple.

 

[jazzielady]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. You all pretty much said what I've been thinking. Hubby wants to sugar-coat it, and I keep reminding them that they are old enough to know the truth.

This "boy" is a 31 year old professional who had no reason to do what he did. He moved in with us when he was a 19 yo hs dropout, and we told him he had to straighten out his life. He had been in trouble multiple times as a juvenile. He got his GED, went to trade school, got his BS in electrical engineering, and was pursuing 2 masters degrees. He owns his own home and was taking lessons toward his pilot's license.

He had the world on his shoulders and he pulls this garbage. We refused to help with his bond the second time and he "disowned" us for not helping. (he actually did make bond for the second time after his grandmother put her house up, but it was revoked in a hearing last week) LOL, like we did nothiing for him ever before in the past. We refused to help because a) we didn't have $5000 sitting around, and b) we didn't trust him not to do it a third time.

He sent us a very nasty message on facebook, and I responded in kind. I suppose I should have been more diplomatic, but his words hurt, especially my husband - who is really upset and hurt. We got back together recently after our separation (on my part, for the kids only, they were not dealing with the separation well at all) and his nerves are raw to begin with. I didn't need this ungrateful ______________ (you fill in the blank) upsetting hubby, who has numerous health issues, any further.

Sorry this is so long, it feels good just to get it out. Thanks if you've read this far. All I keep thinking of is the movie "Back to the Future", you know the scene, "Uncle Jail-Bird Joey? Mom that's so embarrassing!" Except for our daughters , it will be Brother Jail-Bird _____________(name)

Oh well, we will always love and care for him, but he's on his own now.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Just the truth. "We are so sorry to have to tell you this, but we want you to know the whole story. Jim was caught stealing some construction equipment. He is in jail. He will have to stay a long time. We will know exactly how long after the trial on ________. We are so sad about it and we still love him. He made a bad decision and this is the consequence."

If you know if they will be able to visit, etc... tell them that. Will he have e-mail...tell them.. Then get ready to answer their questions.

Sorry you are going through this
Katy

I agree. Kids are smart, be prepared for questions and be open to answer them honestly without "glazing it over" ... it is serious and the consequences effect the whole family! Best of Luck to your entire family as you navigate this difficult time.

 

[wdwfan16]

that their stepbrother, whom they adore, will likely go to jail for a long time?

Bare bones of the story: He was caught in the act of stealing some contruction equipment, released on bail, was caught AGAIN, and is now in prison w/o bond.

I told my husband that we need to sit them down and tell them about it, as I know they've heard snippets of conversation, and I want them to have accurate information.

Any suggestions for age appropriate wording, how much and what to tell them?

Tell them the truth. At 12 and 14 they can understand what he did and what the consequences are. Give them the facts. He did X, got caught, was given a second change and then did it again.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

It sounds like a crappy situation all around. I agree that you don't need to sugar-coat anything for the children at this age. If anything, you want them to respect your honesty (important in those teen years). And of course, there's that pesky "breaking the law" part--you don't want to look like you're minimizing that in any way.

Not quite the same thing, but I have a brother who has struggled with drug addiction for decades. When our mom died, he inherited some money, then got arrested for heroin possession. We haven't heard from him since--it's been a few years. We don't even know if he's alive. My older two are 13 and 14--they are PAINFULLY aware of the effect drugs can have on your life. I wouldn't have chosen that they learn this lesson, this particular way, but I have to be honest with them.

 

[lovesmurfs]

that their stepbrother, whom they adore, will likely go to jail for a long time?

Bare bones of the story: He was caught in the act of stealing some contruction equipment, released on bail, was caught AGAIN, and is now in prison w/o bond.

I told my husband that we need to sit them down and tell them about it, as I know they've heard snippets of conversation, and I want them to have accurate information.

Any suggestions for age appropriate wording, how much and what to tell them?

Agree with the PPs. Don't sugar coat it; tell them straight out. This is a life lesson for them as well.

I would recommend that you say it as objectively as possible, with as little emotion as possible. "Joey" did XYZ, he got caught and was given a second chance, did XYZ again and will be in prison for a long time. Ask them how they feel about it, and let it be a growing experience for them. and best wishes -- it's got to be hard for your family.

 

[okeydokey]

No sugar coating necessary. This is a great life lesson for your kids about consequences.

 

[lillygator]

same thing I would tell my 7 and 5 year old. The truth.