How do you deal with a lying teenager?

[LvsTnk]

Do yourself a favor and don't assume these are the "good kids"! You wouldn't believe how some of these kids have friends, family, and the school fooled. It's really unbelievable.

 

[Megster]

I laughed outloud when I first read this post and looked to see when it was posted because I could have SWORN my mom wrote this post about 4 years ago. I'm a sophomore in college now, but when I was a freshman I had junior boy who was interested in me. My best friend was dating his best friend so we sort of became a "fab 4". My parents told me that I wasn't allowed to get rides from him, but of course I didn't listen. He used to bring me home everyday after school because I was too cool to ride the bus. Of course, my parents being smarter than me, eventually caught on and caught me in the act. I was grounded for the weekend (my parents NEVER grounded, so the fact that they did was a huge deal, I was in serious trouble) and they had a serious discussion with me about lying and all that.

I guess I just wanted you to know that this is something pretty normal. I remember knowing what I was doing was wrong, but it was so hard to say no to the cute boy that I liked. Eventually she'll come to understand why you don't want her driving with older kids and she'll appreciate you caring enough about her to set those rules. I never thought I would admit that though, and shhh don't tell my mom that she was right!

 

[buddy&wooz]

(OT) My boyfriend and I got caught lying- we told my mom we were going to the shore with friends but really it was just the two of us. We got caught because I wanted him to meet my grandparents who lived on the way down, and my grandmother called my mom after we'd left to let her know we'd stopped by. My mom asked about the "others" and grandma said "what others?" BUSTED!

Poor grandma never stopped apologizing to me for getting us into trouble .

But no regrets- that boyfriend is now my husband and shortly after that visit my grandfather died- if we hadn't stopped by he never would have met him.(ok, back OT...)

It's about trust- make sure she knows that if you can't trust her to do the right thing then you just can't let her go off with her friends. Once it's lost trust is very hard to get back.

But I also realize the teen brain is a strange thing- and occasional lapses deserve a break. Now, if it's habitual lying- that's another story, the hammer comes down!!

 

[Christine]

My friend (whose DD is now 18) warned me that while having cell phones makes us parents feel "safe", it also allows the kids a real "underground" way of getting over on us. Blech.

By the way, my 14 year old is not allowed to get in cars with other teens--they are just bad drivers at this point.

 

[RitaZ.]

Was there adult supervision at her friend's house?

Grounding is quite effective for sociable teens.

 

[Minnie*Mouse]

Yes, there was adult supervision at the friend's house. We insist or check with the parent to ensure that he/she will be home for the evening. We do this for parties and just plain 'get-togethers'.

She took the punishment well, didn't try to deny it and knows what she did was wrong. I'm sooooo disappointed in her it hurts. She said she was going to tell me about it, because she felt guilty, whether that's true or not I'll never know. She is punished one week for lying and another for disobeying me. No friends over, no going out, no cell phone, no computer--basically just school and sports, that's it!

She said she wasn't pressured by anyone, which I believe she's isn't easily persuaded into things, but she wanted to go and knew that if she called me to ask that I wouldn't allow it, so she went ahead with it anyway.

She's feeling really dumb for this bad decision. Let's hope she learns her lesson.

M*M

 

[DawnCt1]

Do yourself a favor and don't assume these are the "good kids"! You wouldn't believe how some of these kids have friends, family, and the school fooled. It's really unbelievable.

ItA!
As a mother of four sons, I can tell you, there are a LOT of Eddie Haskill's in the world. "Yes Mrs. Cleaver, I will keep a good eye on the Beav". When DS 18 was almost 16 he went to the governor's mansion with a mutual friend of the kids, for the afternoon. The only positive thing I can say is that the state police were the babysitters and he ate well. Needless to say, he wasn't permitted to go again and had his wings clipped. Sometimes things aren't as they appear.

 

[RitaZ.]

The reason I asked is because it would have been nice if the parents had called you to verify if your DD had your permission to go with the others. Of course, that doesn't mean that your DD isn't at fault for what she did.

I don't know, I guess I'm paranoid about something happening to the child due to them doing something they weren't allowed to do, all while his/her parents think that he/she is safely at my house. My son's friend (14) has a habit of showing up at our house without his parents knowing where he is. One time he showed up and told us about having had an argument with his brother, then left his house. Anyway, I called his mother to let her know that he was here, she had no idea and came to get him.


Anyway, I'm sure that your DD will learn from this experience, that's what growing up it's all about.

 

[minkydog]

Been there, done that I would confront her as calmly as possible. She knows she messed up,no reason to bait her into confessing or give her the opportunity to lie some more. Just out with it. Don't beat around the bush--What she did was very sneaky and dishonest. She needs to prove all over again that her word is the truth.

Start with "no riding with other teens." That means that you or your designated driver will have to pick her up each and everytime she goes somewhere--no exceptions. Her extracurriculars will be curtailed to only those things which you can supervise. She will lose phone & computer privileges for 2 wks, since "friends" were involved. As she proves herself, start adding back privileges.

It will take a long time to rebuild trust. Probably several months. So don't give in, mom & dad. Make a stand now because it won't get easier in the future.

 

[izzy]

My friend had a similar situation with her fiance about a week before their wedding. She found out about something he had lied about, and she told him, "I know about a lie you've told me. If you don't tell me about it, the wedding is off." Thank goodness the only thing he 'fessed up to was what she knew about! (I thought it was pretty brave of her - who knows what he might have told her.)

Anyway, maybe you can approach your daughter that way. Tell her upfront that you know about a lie she's told and that you'll go easier on her if she tells you about this lie rather than have you tell her about it.

Good luck!

 

[Tinkertude]

I would first start talking with her about the evening, giving her a chance to tell you the truth. Next I would tell her I know the truth. As punishment, I am not real sure, but would probably ground her for sometime.

I agree with mickeyfan but will add:
I favor asking what they think their punishment should be. They sometimes are more severe than what I would choose

 

[Cindyluwho]

Wow! I just wanted to say that I think you've handled the situation really well! My DD is just about to turn 12 and I know those days are coming, it's nice to read other people's opinions on this so I'll be more equipped to handle these things when they do come up. big hugs!!

 

[Minnie*Mouse]

Hi there, it's now been a week of punishment...she's missed out on a sweet 16 b-day party yesterday, basketball games, and has not left the house at all.

Ok, here's my dilemna...she is grounded until this upcoming Sunday. This weekend it's her friend's b-day party. A bunch of girls and moms are going skiing/snowboarding for the weekend in Maine to celebrate her birthday. I kind of feel bad but I don't want to give in and have her think that punishments are negotiable. She knows and fears my punishments because I never back out or make deals. Also, there is no school on Monday and I took the day off to take her and my son (11) skiing for the day.

Should I stick to the original punishment and not give in? Or should I allow her to go snowboarding this weekend but extend her punishment for 5 days where she will have to do 2 - 3 hours of work around the house?

BTW, her computer has been permanently removed from her room. She was spending too much time online with her friends.

Please HELP!!!

 

[greenyskp]

honesty honesty honesty.

I rarely EVER needed to lie to my parents.

I wasnt a bad kid. But i did my fair share of partying, drinking and being a kid.

The thing about being a teen is learning things for yourself. No one is going to be able to convince you of something, until you experience it.

I understand being protective, but when does it end?

My mom and I have always had the greatest relationship, and its all based on honesty. She knows just about every time Ive drank, had sex, whatever. Sometimes we laugh because its TMI, but its all about honesty.

Im sure that if kids today felt like they could talk to their parents about stuff, they woudl do less 'behind your backs'

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would stick to the original punishment. That way she knows they are not negotiable.

 

[Hillbeans]

Wow, I just needed to add that 14 seems SOOOOO much different when I was 14 (granted, i'm 34 but it doesn't seem that long ago)

Weekend trips to Maine, parties, driving w/older kids....YIKES.

I must have lived a really sheltered life because my mom used to never allow me to sleep over at anyone's house because she was overprotective. Life sure is a-changing!

My kids are only 4 and 3.5 months, but i'd better get way on the ball before they become teenagers!

 

[wilderness01]

Stick to the original plan unless she will never take you seriously. Sorry it has to ruin plans for you and your son as well for today.

 

[Minnie*Mouse]

Wow, I just needed to add that 14 seems SOOOOO much different when I was 14 (granted, i'm 34 but it doesn't seem that long ago)

Weekend trips to Maine, parties, driving w/older kids....YIKES.

I must have lived a really sheltered life because my mom used to never allow me to sleep over at anyone's house because she was overprotective. Life sure is a-changing!

Hillbeans: I'm 38 and I, too lived a sheltered life, my Mom was EXTREMELY overprotective, way too much! I hated it!!! Did I do my share of lying and sneaking around, of course, it was the only way for me to have some good fun. I don't want to do the same to my daughter. So, I try not to do what my Mom did to me. I got married at 21 (18 yr anniversary this year), and only had 'fun' after I got married. I don't allow her to sleep out, but she can have friends sleep over, she goes to b-day parties ONLY if I call and speak to the parent to ensure it is being supervised. She has a cell phone and I call her when she's out or I call the parent's house. She's 14 and you need to do that at that age, when she's older and able to be trusted, she'll have to know right from wrong, and use her better judgement. Until then, it's my job to check up on her and make sure she is making the right decision.

It's tough being a 14 yo girl, you look like an adult with the mentality of a 14 year old child. I think 14, 15, 16, is the toughest age for a teenage girl. Good luck with your little ones, though you have a long way to go, you'll be surprised at how FAST the years go by...

 

[Minnie*Mouse]

Hillbeans: I'm 38 and I, too lived a sheltered life, my Mom was EXTREMELY overprotective, way too much! I hated it!!! Did I do my share of lying and sneaking around, of course, it was the only way for me to have some good fun. I don't want to do the same to my daughter. So, I try not to do what my Mom did to me. I got married at 21 (18 yr anniversary this year), and only had 'fun' after I got married. I don't allow her to sleep out, but she can have friends sleep over, she goes to b-day parties ONLY if I call and speak to the parent to ensure it is being supervised. She has a cell phone and I call her when she's out or I call the parent's house. She's 14 and you need to do that at that age, when she's older and able to be trusted, she'll have to know right from wrong, and use her better judgement. Until then, it's my job to check up on her and make sure she is making the right decision.

It's tough being a 14 yo girl, you look like an adult with the mentality of a 14 year old child. I think 14, 15, 16, is the toughest age for a teenage girl. Good luck with your little ones, though you have a long way to go, you'll be surprised at how FAST the years go by...[/QUOTE]

 

[diskids2]

Hi there, it's now been a week of punishment...she's missed out on a sweet 16 b-day party yesterday, basketball games, and has not left the house at all.

Ok, here's my dilemna...she is grounded until this upcoming Sunday. This weekend it's her friend's b-day party. A bunch of girls and moms are going skiing/snowboarding for the weekend in Maine to celebrate her birthday. I kind of feel bad but I don't want to give in and have her think that punishments are negotiable. She knows and fears my punishments because I never back out or make deals. Also, there is no school on Monday and I took the day off to take her and my son (11) skiing for the day.

Should I stick to the original punishment and not give in? Or should I allow her to go snowboarding this weekend but extend her punishment for 5 days where she will have to do 2 - 3 hours of work around the house?

BTW, her computer has been permanently removed from her room. She was spending too much time online with her friends.

Please HELP!!!

I have a DD age 14 almost 15, so I can relate. I would "readjust" the punishment and allow her to go snowboarding. In fact, I would give her the choice between the two options, "Do you want to be allowed to go snowboarding and be home for another five days with 2-3 hours of work around the house or do you want to keep the original punishment?"

She has already been grounded for almost the full time and giving her an option is treating her like an adult with respect. Yes, she did something disrespectful and not responsible, but I would look at the whole picture of years to come and not just at the given moment.

I don't think she will think that all her punishments can be negotiable in the future, as you have indicated that you usually stick to them. I also think she will respect you allowing her to make a choice.

JMHO.