How do you cope with teenage boys who think they know best!

[Lizzy Lemon]

We were generally chatting last night around the tea table when Glen said 'I know which GCSE's I want to do'. Great I thought, he has an idea of what he wants as we have to decide on options next March. 'What do you want to do?'. 'It's nothing to do with you Mum I've got to do the work'. Our son constantly breaks our hearts when he shuts us out. I suspect a lot of teenagers do this but as we love him and want to support him why doesn't he understand how this makes us feel?

 

[carolfoy]

Wendy - I think you're right that they all do this, luckily mine isn't quite a teenager yet but he still knows his own mind!
They say your teenage years are the best of your life, but these poor little beggars have such huge decisions to make and such huge hormonal changes too that I feel its probably their worst time. They have to cope with exams, peer pressure, decisions about drugs, smoking, drinking, sex and trying to make themselves important to the world. I think as long as you enforce the fact that you'll support them totally whatever their career path and that you are just their in case they need advice or help then you'll come through it.
Sometimes another adult like a godparent, friend of the family or auntie/uncle can seem a bit 'cooler' and they may listen to them a bit more.
either way to you

 

[Deedee]

If anyone can find a solution to this problem i think they would be the richest person in the world!!!!!! You are not alone i think every teenager i know is exactly the same my DD is 16 has just left school and i could still "swing for her" only this morning i have had a go at her, she borrowed my phone charger yesterday as she couldn't find hers in her pig sty of a bedroom i needed to charge mine up this morning but she hadn't got it i had it back yesterday half an hour later she bought it down and still wouldn't admit to having it apparently it was in my bedroom

 

[Boo Boo Too]

I don't know... the teenager/parent relationship is a tricky one and, if you are not careful, can shape your relationship with them into adulthood...

My advice is to give them space to make their own decisions and even their own mistakes (providing they don't get them or you into physical/financial danger) and respect them as a young person. If you don't show some respect for your feelings, how will they keep respect for yours?

Maybe I am feeling this way because of recent problems with my own mother (I am 32, not a teen!). She has been trying to push me around recently, making assumptions that things will be ok without asking, having no respect for my emotions (regarding a family death) and refusing to negotiate a "compromise" on various issues. She is also being hypocritical and applying emotional blackmail like a professional... To be perfectly honest, I feel like a teen again! But the difference is I live in my own house, with my husband and am completely independent of my mother. So at least I don't have to put up with the treatment, but I wouldn't say it is doing our relationship any good at all... and it is quite unlikely that I will now see her over Christmas (mainly because she wont compromise - not because of me).

Somehow our relationaship has reverted to when I was a teen - that isn't right: it isn't a nice relationship and leaves everyone unhappy (my mother will be unhappy because she can't get me to do what she wants to, I am unhappy because I hate someone trying to push me around and emotionally blackmail me). I wouldn't want anyone else to have that relationship with their parent or their child.

So regarding the GCSEs, I would suggest saying something like "Ok, but when you decide you want to talk about, we would love to hear about your choices " and leave it at that: show interest and support, but don't be pushy. Somehow the dynamic of the relationship with your offspring needs to grow with them - otherwise you could end up with a bad or "distant" relationship with them as an adult.

Just an alternative opinion

Boo

 

[jtlover]

The thing is your children dont believe that you were ever a teenager yourself - and until they have their own children they will not see that you are just trying to protect them from your mistakes

 

[jns]

least he still wants to stay at school
we are having real problems with our 16 DS wanting to leave at the moment
with no job or anything to go to , just wants to stay in bed all day
teenages they are up one day still the little boy and then the next day trying to be a man

sending you some and we all need it

as the saying goes
enjoy them when they are young

Good luck

 

[Boo Boo Too]

The thing is your children dont believe that you were ever a teenager yourself - and until they have their own children they will not see that you are just trying to protect them from your mistakes

It is also a good thing to think back to our relationships with our parents: what did they do right and what not so right (with adult retrospect...). Encourage the young adult - even if the little boy does come out sometimes...

As for giving up school and staying in bed all day... how about the practical/adult approach? Yes, it is his decision to give up school... but if he does, you will require £xx bed and board (work out a realistic charge for it) + he pays for his own phone calls and petrol etc. (when he is old enough to drive). Might make a couple of years at school suddenly a lot more attractive... I guess the other thing is to ensure that he enjoys what he does in 6th form: how about a NVQ (in business, computing or something more vocational) if he isnt sold on academic things and A-levels. An NVQ could still keep the option of university open (depending on subject) and might interest him more... am sure his academic/careers advisor could help him more

Boo

 

[cleo]

Simon and I were just talking about this issue this morning. He says teen boys especially tend to be very self-focused, shutting a lot of the world around them out when they get an idea in their heads. It isn't personal in any way, it's just a part of their development into a man. At this point, it isn't about your 'feelings', it's about his growing into a man.

My thinking is, you've done all the right things or your son wouldn't have the confidence to make this journey of decision on his own. Instead of taking it personally in a negative way, maybe consider taking it personally in a positive way. You did a great job in raising a confident young man!

If he were going down a 'bad path', I'd be more inclined to feel continued conversation is vital. In this case it sounds like he's making the right decisions and going down a terrific path. Watch the hard work you did pay off, and I'm guessing he'll turn to you when (if) he needs help. Isn't that what we would wish for our children? The ability to go into the world in a productive way, making good decisions on their own behalf?

Congratulations, Mum and Dad! You did good!

 

[natalielongstaff]

The thing is your children dont believe that you were ever a teenager yourself - and until they have their own children they will not see that you are just trying to protect them from your mistakes

this is sooo true there will be a point when my children say ...i understand why you did that mum...i know cos ive said it to my mum so many times now im an adult, ive got a fresh respect for everything she did for me and my brother
i also agree that teenagers are asked to make huge life changing choices just at the time when they are least capable i know i would have choose differently now im more mature

 

[lexie32]

OMG!!!! you mean it doesn't get easier? my 2 year old thinks he knows best at the moment!!!

hope you sort things out soon

Alex

 

[Kath2003]

We were generally chatting last night around the tea table when Glen said 'I know which GCSE's I want to do'. Great I thought, he has an idea of what he wants as we have to decide on options next March. 'What do you want to do?'. 'It's nothing to do with you Mum I've got to do the work'. Our son constantly breaks our hearts when he shuts us out. I suspect a lot of teenagers do this but as we love him and want to support him why doesn't he understand how this makes us feel?

Firstly, if you let him know that its upsetting you, he'll use it against you.

That's what teenagers are like. It's not because they don't love you, it's not because they want to upset you, it's because they want to feed independent and powerful.

Secondly, he obviously CARES about your opinion, otherwise he wouldn't have told you that he knows what he wants to do. He wanted to see you get all worked up when he wouldn't tell you. So don't feel like he's "shutting you out" - he WANTS you to ask.

If I were you I'd keep "taking an interest". "Which language did you decide to take?" at random points throughout the day. Don't sit him down and DEMAND that he tells you the details of his life, because that's what he wants. He wants to be in control, he wants to hold the information.

If he really won't tell you, just tell him that you trust him to make the right decisions and leave it at that. In that way he's "lost" the control battle because he doesn't hold anything over you any more. He'll probably tell you within a few days.

*was a teenager until two years ago - we are mean, mean horrible people during those years, but we come out of it!*

 

[Lizzy Lemon]

Thankyou for the input. I like the idea that he is a confident boy and we have done well to raise him to be so but I don't feel that is the case. Both his father and I find it hard to be positive (I think both of us as youngsters were put down a lot and picked on and its had its effects on the way we have been with our children, I only wish things were different)so I feel more like he is pushing us out of his life because he wants privacy as we ask him to respect our privacy when we want it, fair enough, but I would just love him to talk to us without it always turning into a battlefield. I agree with the statement about teenagers being little one minute and big the next, he still loves his cuddles but another day will barely grunt a goodbye when going to school! Combination of his hormones and mine (I'm a funny age!) make chats turn into arguments sometimes. With maturity comes experience and teenagers don't always want to listen to that. It doesn't help that I don't always agree with how his dad deals with issues but I also know that it's not a good idea for parents to disagree in front of children. Oh the joys of parenthood.

 

[Merylj]

Oh boy its not easy is it! I remember telling our GP about the "moods" DD got and she said really as long as you as parents have laid down good foundations they will weather the teenage years.
DD would never tell us much about her school work and always knew best - it drove us to distraction but she is now on a good university course so she did well and I should have trusted her judgement more.
They do listen to their friends more at that age - if all else fails work on them!
Good luck - it is a very testing time.

 

[Lisash]

You have my sympathy Wendy. I read every parentcraft book when my kids were babies and none of them prepare you for bringing up teenagers. My DD is 18 now and we still have blazing rows (albeit not that often nowadays) As some of the others have said all you can do sometimes is sit back and let them make mistakes. It's the only way they learn sometimes. As long as you are there to pick them up when they do and you can try to find humour in the situation (not easy at times) keep telling them you love them very much even though you may not like what they are doing then the door is aways open and they will always come back to you for advice/comfort. Good luck

 

[Dimplenose]

We were warned of the "Terrible Twos" but not the 3s, 4s, 5s ....

I think you've been given a lot of good advice here.

My DS(15) is an absolute delight and is nearly always willing to talk about school, his sister on the other hand (she's nearly 13) is like a time bomb and I never know when she'll go off! I don't think I treated them any differently to each other they just have different characters - knowing that doesn't make her any easier to live with though!

I hope your son makes some good GCSE choices - though to be frank most schools force the pupils to do this by limiting their choices by grouping together subjects.

Sending some for you all

Libby

 

[Deedee]

OMG!!!! you mean it doesn't get easier? my 2 year old thinks he knows best at the moment!!!



Terrible two's!!!! you aint seen nothing yet

 

[cleo]

Terrible two's!!!! you aint seen nothing yet

Oh, so true! Two is EASY. You can still pick the little b*gger up! By 14 THEY will be able to pick YOU up!

 

[Lizzy Lemon]

Oh, so true! Two is EASY. You can still pick the little b*gger up! By 14 THEY will be able to pick YOU up!

That has made me smile.

The advice you have all given me is brill. I will try to step back, let him decide and support him all the way. He's did decide to inform us to his GCSE choices and they are a sensible selection. He was in a good chatty mood last night, complete change from the night before.

 

[cleo]

He was in a good chatty mood last night, complete change from the night before.

Darned hormones!

You're doing good, Mum.

 

[alisonbestford]

Oh no, and now I'm going to 'put the cat amongst the pigeons......'...and when do boys / men ever stop thinking they know best.........?

Think I've, more or less, given up on waiting for DH ............
Even DD (8) has given up to trying to 'talk to him'