How do I understand?

[disneymom3]

One time in these issues I was hurt badly from him and suffered a 2nd degree tragedy which I am awaiting dr's now for successful technically to repair -- it is so hard to understand how somehow that loves you is able to hurt you -- (and if your saw me you would never know--my injuries are internal)

I am sorry but this statement is confusing to me. I know you are trying to be vague, but to me this sounds like he physically hurt you and you had a miscarriage. Even if the injury wasn't a miscarriage, honey, you need to get away from this man. You have your support from your family, you have some money saved. It is not time to wait or try to work things out. If he hurt you once he WILL do it again. Please please take care of yourself.

 

[chell]

Oh hun, you sound so much like me except for that big injury he gave you. Since he has gotten physical with you it is time for you to get out NOW. Once they are physical with you they think it is okay and will try it again and more often.

You can make it on your own, especially if you have the support of your family and friends. You will be amazed to learn just how strong you really are. I know I was. You would not believe how much happier I am now that he is out of my life and the divorce is final. I just finished changing my last name and it was such a wonderful feeling to finally be free of him.

Occasionally he does still contact me and tries to bring me down and belittle me but I don't let him get to me anymore. Boy does that infuriate him too. I can't help but get a little satisfaction out of that. This week he has tried calling me and being a major jerk again because he knows I am down physically from my surgery. That shows how much of a jerk he really is.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to PM you with more of what I went through. Know that you are not alone and unfortunately it happens much more than we are ever aware of.

We are here to help you through and to support you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

suffered a 2nd degree tragedy which I am awaiting dr's now for successful technically to repair

Sounds like a burn to me. Things got out of hand while he was high? Why do you stay?
Of course you should leave now. Pack your bags and go.

 

[BeyondHurt]

The injury I am referring to happen a few years ago. Have been to counseling, and the church counselor. It is a scary. It was intense and I will not go into detail here--I will respect the environment of the DIS. I will say that it has caused my vision in my right eye not to be the same. I have scar tissue that blocks my focal point so I see blur.

I was told this past September that I will be up for surgery in 2 to 3 years to completely remove that scar. Yes very scary for me.

I have tried to overcome the past and hurt from that. I have tried to move on that it would not happened again. But as time has gone by, I am finding that things are resurfacing, and this is why I am choosing that I need to move on. I do not want to end up in the ICU ward somewhere.

Every conversation ends up with it is all me -- and he is Mr. Perfect--yeah right -- it takes two -- and I am a firm believer in open discussion within relationships to understand each other and improve. But when the time comes that one of the parties do not want to talk or try to work things through then there is a problem. Not to mention when you are told that they do not want to seek professional. All I can say at this point is I have beyond have tried up and above.

I know that I am here to live a happy life not a miserable one.

 

[GJM]

If it is physical I agree to get out. You deserve to be happy and not to worry about someone hurting you, you deserve better than that.

 

[janette]

You don't try to understand you just get out.

 

[drayke]

Mental/emotional spousal abuse often leads to or is concurrent with physical/sexual abuse. (And it can be very difficult while in the relationship to acknowledge that is happening.) Conact your local domestic violence shelter, they often have hotlines you can find in the community pages of the phone book and will give you information and guidence on resources available. If you can't find a domestic violence phone number, try the local crisis line number which also is usually listed in the community pages. Get help. Talk with a counselor. You do not deserve nor have to accept such treatment. I've been where you are, I grew up in an abusive home and while in college was involved in an abusive relationship. Moving on can be very difficult however sounds like you already know that is what you need to do. Use the resources of the domestic violence shelter to help you get to safety. Nothing is ever solely one person's fault. No one is perfect so don't accept that everything is your fault, it's not.

 

[chell]

Just watned to offer you another

I wish I could take away the pain and make it all better for you.

 

[mark&sue]

Good luck. I feel your pain and hope that you will be able to get through this tough time in your life very soon.


Susan

 

[cleo]

I've been there. My best advise is, if you even THINK this might end in divorce, protect yourself now! Financially, physically, and if there are children, protect your custody options silently and immediately (get yourself the best attorney money can buy and go see them NOW to protect your custody options. They will know what that means, and if you don't do it you may spend YEARS fighting for it).

Don't fall into the trap of thinking it will all go well, or everyone will 'play by the rules'. If you have children, protect them NOW. And be ready for years of struggle (until the last child turns 18) even after you think everyone should have 'moved on'. I know I sound harsh, but I also know what I'm talking about.

Find your nearest women's shelter, don't go anywhere near counseling (women always come out on the short end of that particular stick when a divorce is pending), and don't for one moment think anyone in the system is going to help you get your 'pound of flesh'. You'll be lucky just to get something half-way just. And bear that particular phrase in mind, because it's likely what you WILL get is half, and that includes 'half' of your children. Just because you think he's a jerk doesn't mean the court will agree...or care.

Harsh words (with a hug behind them), but realistic. Know what you're doing before you do it, then do it the best way you possibly can. Plan silently, then move forward with real finances, security, and a great attorney in your court.

 

[BeyondHurt]

I've been there. My best advise is, if you even THINK this might end in divorce, protect yourself now! Financially, physically, and if there are children, protect your custody options silently and immediately (get yourself the best attorney money can buy and go see them NOW to protect your custody options. They will know what that means, and if you don't do it you may spend YEARS fighting for it).

Don't fall into the trap of thinking it will all go well, or everyone will 'play by the rules'. If you have children, protect them NOW. And be ready for years of struggle (until the last child turns 18) even after you think everyone should have 'moved on'. I know I sound harsh, but I also know what I'm talking about.

Find your nearest women's shelter, don't go anywhere near counseling (women always come out on the short end of that particular stick when a divorce is pending), and don't for one moment think anyone in the system is going to help you get your 'pound of flesh'. You'll be lucky just to get something half-way just. And bear that particular phrase in mind, because it's likely what you WILL get is half, and that includes 'half' of your children. Just because you think he's a jerk doesn't mean the court will agree...or care.

Harsh words (with a hug behind them), but realistic. Know what you're doing before you do it, then do it the best way you possibly can. Plan silently, then move forward with real finances, security, and a great attorney in your court.

I know this will not be easy at all ----- I also appreciate your honesty no matter how harsh it is.

Unforunately people out there think that this could never happen to me--and they do not know what to do--I am not the expert but I have seen others go through this.(why do you think I came for opinions?)

My advice to others is that it can happen to anyone--no matter how good you think everything is going in your life--things just happen and turn--I hope that others reading this can learn also---


so many people stay silent and I hope that by this coming out it can help others also

 

[cleo]

I just re-read your statement about opening up to friends and here on the DIS. You need a good community to talk to, but make it a private community through your battered women's shelter where your privacy is guaranteed. Controlling, abusive partners are not so stupid they don't think to look on line at the comminities they know you will be opening up to. It only takes a short time to find out what your screen name is, and then everything you 'share' becomes a) evidence and b) help for him in destroying you at the most basic level because he knows what you care most about....and fear most.

Be sure your friends are really YOUR friends. If your attorney is worth their salt they'll tell you to smile nicely and thank your friends for their concern, but reveal nothing (I spent two years in silence. I know who my real friends are now because they hugged me and never asked questions). 'Friends', even well-meaning friends, can share what you say with THEIR friends, who might share with theirs, and so on. Don't give your 'ex-to-be' any possiblity of knowing what you are doing now, during the divorce process, or afterwards. If he really is abusive and controlling, he won't let go even when it's over. Dont' give him ammuntion. Trust me on this one.

By staying silent (except, of course, with your attorney, possibly your parents, and a women's shelter group) you also protect your friends in the event they are called in to testify. My heart goes out to you and my very best wishes are with you. The freedom that comes from being away from an abuser is a freedom no-one can describe to you. I wish you that knowledge, and as smooth as possible a road toward getting it.

 

[madgomez]

BTDT too - my ex was abusive when he drank. Which he did alot. Took me eight years to wisen up and get out of it, although not all of them were bad - he had a long dry spell in there.

Three thoughts helped me get thru it more than anything else:

First, you cannot change anyone else's behavior. To alter your situation your only recourse is to alter your own behavior.

Second, you allow yourself to be treated the way you are treated. If the way you are being treated is unacceptable, it is up to you to change it. But, remember #1, you cannot change the other person. That means you must change your response.

Third, you are not responsible for anyone else's behavior but your own. You cannot make anyone do anything, nor do you cause them to do anything. Each of us makes our own choices.

I know these may sound harsh or like I am blaming you, but that is the opposite of what I mean to do. These simple ideas, if you embrace them, will empower you. You will stop being a victim and feeling like one. You will take control of what you are entitled to control - your own well being. It will make you stronger, and moving forward will be easier. Still painful, of course, but easier.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me, in 20/20 hindsight.

If I can help, feel free to PM me. Lots of and pixie dust .

 

[BeyondHurt]

Thanks everyone -- I have alot of thinking I am off to go and do --

I appreciate everyone's thoughts, hugs, and pixie dust

Thank you for being honest and your opinions -- I knew going into this it would be rough and a touchy situation--

I am off to go and think

 

[dmslush]

Beyond hurt,

I was just wondering if you are okay.

 

[chell]

Please update us soon.

 

[madgomez]

Yes, I was wondering too how you were doing.

 

[BeyondHurt]

Everything is ok -- I have been doing a lot of motivating -- and making a lot of appointments -- this is all I can say at this time

 

[princess momma]

Also been there and done that. The only thing I have to add is that a man who controls you, treats you like garbage, hurts you emotionally and physically will NEVER CHANGE. He is broken, for whatever reason. No amount of therapy or working on it will ever change who he is inside. I know very well how easy it is to love someone like this and to hate him so deeply at the same time.

He will never change. Get out.

 

[princess momma]

I also wanted to add another thing. He's treated you so badly for so long that you can't even think straight anymore. You are not worthless. Remember that. One day you'll be able to look back at this and you'll see. You are a good person.