How do I understand?

[BeyondHurt]

Good morning DIS -- yes you do know me but at this time I have chosen to write under BeyondHurt.

I have not been myself lately I have been hurting way beyond. So many thing are wild that I do not know where to start. I do know that things are scary.

I do not understand how people that love you and take vows in a marriage can be mentally abusive. It hurts way too much. More than I can ever say. I have more than have tried and I am so ready to move on.

Has anyone here been there? Any advice?

 

[FTWFAN]

No advice. Just !

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes. Generally abuse comes from a need to "control", insecurity, fear, etc... but in fact it has the opposite result. Not always of course. Some people do stay in it.

I guess the first thing to do is get past the "beyond hurt" and gather strength to be in a postion to demand respect from your spouse. If the spouse refuses then out he goes. Not much you can do.

You spouse has to be willing to work together and stop the behaviors. Also you have to change as well. You have to get strong and not allow it.

"Scary and wild" are a very disturbing way to describe your situation. Really sounds as if you need to seperate.

 

[GailT]

been there, done that. I am not good at advice but I will tell you what I did and how I handled it. Knowing that my marrage was not something that was going to be till death do us part, I started preparing a year ahead of time to make sure when I made the move if things did not get better I could and would be ok on my own. I bought my own car , saved a little money and mentally prepared myself. I hope everything works out for you, you shouldn't be in an unhappy marriage, life is to short. Good luck

 

[MinnieM3]

First off,

Please know, you are NOT the things he says to you, whatever they may be. You are a child of God and you are beautiful and deserving of unconditional love. Do NOT let this person define you. You have so much more LIFE ahead of you. Find strength and do what needs to be done for YOU. I was where you are now.

 

[nativetxn]

I have never been in that type of situation so I can't really offer advice except to suggest that you both go for counselling. If your spouse won't go with you, go by yourself. I'm sure a counsellor would have good advice for you and I know a counsellor would be able to help your damaged self esteem.

{{{HUGS}}} sweetie. I'm sorry you are having to deal this situation. I can only imagine how hurt you must be feeling.

Katholyn

 

[BeyondHurt]

"Scary and wild" are a very disturbing way to describe your situation. Really sounds as if you need to seperate.

I guess I could explain those words a little better -- bare with me I am holding myself together the best that I can.

This is the type of situation that everyone around us thinks we are so perfect--boy are they wrong.

I have done everything. I have brought this person up from where he was. I took him to counseling a long time ago. Things were going well until the last few months.

His parents were abusive to him as a child many years ago--which I later discovered--very sad thing. His family and now him are like -- "OK" we had an ourburst and 30 minutes later act like things never happened. I just do not understand those things.

Yes I am looking into divorce I have done everything that I can do.(and my family is aware of my decisions and I have their support) In a marriage it is suppose to be a 2 way street. In this situation it is one way and no communication. He does not want to communicate.

 

[BeyondHurt]

Thanks everyone so far for your advice and hugs -- I really need that

 

[The Mystery Machine]

His parents were abusive to him as a child many years ago--which I later discovered--very sad thing. His family and now him are like -- "OK" we had an ourburst and 30 minutes later act like things never happened. I just do not understand those things.

Yes I am looking into divorce I have done everything that I can do.(and my family is aware of my decisions and I have their support) In a marriage it is suppose to be a 2 way street. In this situation it is one way and no communication. He does not want to communicate.

You sound like you could be my SIL.

My brother and my SIL are getting a divorce. Currently he moved out (stupid brother) without a seperation agreement because he is too cheap to pay for a divorce.
They think they are going to do it civilized. (HA, they won't).

My family does "outbursts". We raise our voices. That is normal to us. My SIL is large Italian family, and I thought WE WERE LOUD! Ha!

Marriage is not a two way street. It is a road you travel together. I used to think that way. 50/50, two-way street, etc...none of that is true. Oh the horror when I had to admit that. I used to be very pig headed.

Marriage is BOTH people giving 100%. You wake up everyday wondering how you are going to enhance the life of your spouse.
I have changed the way I behave. Marriage is different now. If you have children, I recommend getting "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" from Dr. Laura as a last resort. If none of her techniques work then go in peace.

Also alot of "outbursts" from men in troubled relationships come from a lack of "intimacy". If you know what I mean. Could this be the case with you?

Now back to my SIL & brother...They wake up everyday, wondering what is in it for me. They are destroying the life of 3 of their children due to their selfishness. They are blind to their own destruction.

I have been through everything with my dh (almost everything, no infidelity).
If you are being abused that is one thing. If you are wanting to be "right", then that is another ballgame.

Good Luck to you. I have been there many times. Only you know what is right for you.

 

[Serena]

The vows of marriage mean nothing when the two people involved don't cherish them.
Your husband does not cherish you. He may love you, in the way he knows how. But for both your sakes, he's got to get well within himself before trying to be a partner for anyone.
In this circumstance, you have to take care of you. Realize he says things to make himself feel better, and you are an easy target. He hates himself, and since you love him, he's looking down on you right now too.

You don't have to divorce until later if you feel like it. But you have to get out of the situation now. Take some time to heal yourself and realize you aren't what he says. You have to build yourself back up, mentally and emotionally.

It may not seem bad right now, but it will get worse. It always does, unless something drastic is done.

Hang in there. It's horrible right now, but things will get better. It'll just take time.

 

[dmslush]

You need to call you local women's shelter. They have staff on hand that are trained in emotional abuse. They will be able to let you know what kind of resources are available in your community. You do not have to be physically abused to be a victim of domestic abuse. If you want to PM me with your state name, I can get you in contact with someone that can help.

 

[Beastlover]

I have no advice...just kinda going thru the same thing. I call it emotionally abusive. The "cherish" part is gone for me. I don't feel cherished. From there, it just trickles into everything in everyday life for me.

We have been talking about this, but aren't sure as to how to fix it. I, too, have been preparing myself for an end. I have opened up my own savings and have been putting money away here and there. I am also not hiding our problems from family and friends. I never realized how much I covered up for him.

I can only offer you and know that you are not alone.

 

[Stitchfans]

Like GailT said- been there done that.


My exhusband was a control freak. Still is with DD24. She has a boyfriend/fiance who she is suppose to marry sometime in 2007. He is exactly like her father. Their tactic is to control you and make you feel like you are nothing. Like you are a complete failure, so stupid you can't stand on your own two feet without his support. When you do try to they yell at you and belittle you to the point were you start crying and doubt yourself.

I see this going on with DD and somehow wonder why she stays with him. Then I think back to myself. One, I loved him. (boy I want to slap woman now when I hear them say that) Two, he had me convinced I couldn't make it on my own. Three, told me that if I left him he'd fix my face so that no one else would be interested in me.

When I see DDs boyfriend yelling at her I can't control myself, I always jump in and yell back. Funny thing though when we get into he always ends up crying like a two year old. Not used to being spoken back to let alone with loud angry tones. He is a spineless, self centered, lazy, control freak. DD sees this and her responses is he'll change.

Let me tell you right now, he won't change. Embarrased to say it took me 15 years to get the courage to divorce him, but I finally did. I am happily remarried to my DH going on 12 years this Dec 18th. Totally different man, and oh so much happier. Many woman stay cause they are afraid of being left alone.

 

[BeyondHurt]

My family does "outbursts". We raise our voices. That is normal to us. My SIL is large Italian family, and I thought WE WERE LOUD! Ha!

Marriage is not a two way street. It is a road you travel together. I used to think that way. 50/50, two-way street, etc...none of that is true. Oh the horror when I had to admit that. I used to be very pig headed.

Also alot of "outbursts" from men in troubled relationships come from a lack of "intimacy". If you know what I mean. Could this be the case with you?

Good Luck to you. I have been there many times. Only you know what is right for you.

Yes we always seem to meet other families that exceed our own

yes marriage is suppose to be 100% both ways -- but that does not always happen--it takes two -- and my other behalf is like talking to a brick wall--

I am sorry to say this but not easy to love someone and give initimacy when then say things to you and degrade you -- yes I know I am not those things -- but they still hurt very deeply

and again thanks for your support and advice

 

[BeyondHurt]

The vows of marriage mean nothing when the two people involved don't cherish them.
Your husband does not cherish you. He may love you, in the way he knows how. But for both your sakes, he's got to get well within himself before trying to be a partner for anyone.
In this circumstance, you have to take care of you. Realize he says things to make himself feel better, and you are an easy target. He hates himself, and since you love him, he's looking down on you right now too.

You don't have to divorce until later if you feel like it. But you have to get out of the situation now. Take some time to heal yourself and realize you aren't what he says. You have to build yourself back up, mentally and emotionally.

It may not seem bad right now, but it will get worse. It always does, unless something drastic is done.

Hang in there. It's horrible right now, but things will get better. It'll just take time.

Serena you have hit the nail on the head here!

 

[BeyondHurt]

I will come out and say that I have been married for 7 years and have known this person for 9 years.

Things use to be great and I use to cherish everything. But when he drinks alcohol with the meds that the dr prescribed him to help him out -- things get very bad. The words are unbelieveable what comes out of him. It is like knows what to do to hurt my heart even more.

One time in these issues I was hurt badly from him and suffered a 2nd degree tragedy which I am awaiting dr's now for successful technically to repair -- it is so hard to understand how somehow that loves you is able to hurt you -- (and if your saw me you would never know--my injuries are internal)


The other thing that is awful--no matter what it is always my fault---

The scary part of it is that I am ready to make moves on my own to get out of the situation--and I will need a lot of strength for that. I have talked with family in great details and a couple of friends in great detail. I much appreciate their suppport.

I have began to open up with my other friends and as you can see I am opening up to DIS where I love to spend a lot of time. And for the inquiries of the ppl that want to know--he does not understand about DIS and does not understand our love for Disney and what brings us together. He does not know the great people that he is missing out on.

Thanks again everyone--I am already feeling better

 

[dmslush]

One time in these issues I was hurt badly from him and suffered a 2nd degree tragedy which I am awaiting dr's now for successful technically to repair -- it is so hard to understand how somehow that loves you is able to hurt you -- (and if your saw me you would never know--my injuries are internal)

Has he physically harmed you? I'm sorry, but the above statement kind of confused me. If he has resorted to physical abuse, you need to kick your plan of action into high gear and get out now.

 

[Serena]

BeyondHurt, it is easy for me to see when it is someone else. It wasn't so easy when it was me. What excuses he didn't have, I came up with. And in my situation it wasn't what he said that was so bad, it's that I believed it and starting looking down on myself, more than he could ever have.

If the abuse has become physical then you need to get out now. Do you have any children? You know if you do, they need out.

 

[Patty3]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the others who said that if it is physical abuse, you need to get out now. Please know that we are here for you.

 

[VSL]

Yeah - if there's any physical abuse you really need to get out ASAP.