How do I motivate my son?

[Soccermom-Cheri]

How can I motivate my 13 year-old son? He hates school ("it's boring") and rarely does his homework. I can't punish him by taking things away. He doesn't care. I know the pre-teen stuff makes them surly, but can anyone think of a way to bring him around -at least for a little while?

Just wondering what happened to my sweet little boy. Aliens

 

[rlovew]

You probably need to check and see if their is something causing the work to be too hard (ex. he is having trouble reading or comprehending at the level he is at) or if the work is not challenging enough and you need to look at harder classes for him next year.

 

[ddavis860]

I'm right there with you...DS14 is changing faster than I can keep up.

About the school thing though...mine ended up at Sylvan last year. In the fall he knew that he had to go if he wasn't doing the work...and when they tested him he was at a 4th grade comprehension level So, it wasn't his fault that the work was hard, and it was "stupid". Anyway, he went for 100 hrs, and they got him to grade level. He was like a different kid after he started to succeed. And even made "friends" with a 7th grader there who he is now officially "going out with"...another new and not so exciting development for mom.

Anyway, hang in there...think about getting him tested, maybe it is the classes are either too hard or too easy. I know I had a totally different kid, more relaxed and easier to compel to do homework after things got easier for him by the extra help. My friend sent her daughter after she saw my DS's success, and they were really happy too. She got her sweet confident child back. DS's "friend" also now asks her mom to schedule a time when she knows she will be having trouble with the homework.

In all honesty, it wasn't thrilling for DS to be tutored, but he went 3x a week in the beginning, and then I cut back to 2x. He "hated" it there too, till he saw he truly was doing so much better. Even the state testing in March showed the improvement, and he was so happy with his levels. Best thing I did for him actually. I think he can start high school now with confidence

As for the punishment thing...yeah, I know what you mean. Mine is stoic about all punishments, always has been. That kind if kid is just so frustrating....I feel for you! Mine is talking about driving, and so now we are using that as big punishment...he has been getting caught in some lies, and that is the 1 thing I can't tolerate Every lie he is caught in, 1 month longer till he can drive. There have been no lies at my house since...as far as I know. This was the only thing that seemed to get to him...

 

[ksjayhawks]

When he says the work is boring--does he mean too easy, he's done it before, all the teacher does is lecture with no hands on or other activities? How does he do on tests? Can he do fairly well on tests without doing the homework or does he fail the tests? Did this go on all year or just start? Is he in a middle school, junior high, or a k-8 scfhool? What do his teachers say? Has he ever had any testing done? What grade levels is he working on --with reading especially. Is this a new school? How does he handle change? Does he still hang around with the same friends as before or has this changed now that they are older? What grade was he in last year? Has anything in your family changed this last year?

Sorry for all the questions, but there are so many variables that could affect what is going on with him. Could you give more info? (FYI--I am a teacher and also have a ds13). Now to jump in without this info . . .

If he has had problems with schoolwork in other years I would talk seriously with this years teachers, if you haven't already, and get their take on it. Maybe as suggested he needs to be tested and get some tutoring.

Depending on grade level, if this is his first year of jr hi (or middle school), it could be the "freedom from having one teacher all day long, now I can do what I want, etc" phase that some go through. They don't have someone looking over their shoulder all day and getting on them about work not completed earlier in the day. They hear that these years don't count towards hs graduation credits and some royally blow them off! If that is the case, I would sit down with him and talk to him about what is going on and implement a behavior or schedule. He will not be happy at first--be prepared for this and do not give in!! Don't feel sorry for him when he smiles at you and does his best little boy, I love you mom routine! Kids are good manipulators. It could take several weeks--several long, hard weeks--to work, but that is why we are the parents. No one ever said it would be easy!

1) Behavior plan. Instead of taking things away, you might want to look at a plan where he "earns" privileges for completing things--his job (school), work at home, keeping room clean, attitude, etc. Then you are not punishing him, but he is learning that how he behaves and completes assigned tasks determines what he gets the privilege of doing. This can be a tough program to follow--you cannot give in, lots of empathetic smiles and saying in a clam voice "i'm so sorry you have chosen not to -----", but it can be very effective. You must be prepared that he might have to miss out on something fun with the family or friends. You don't argue with him. If he hasn't earned the right to do the fun thing, so be it. You can't give in--smile, tell him you love him and that you are so sorry he didn't earn ----.

2) Schedule. Some kids need more stucture and need to know what is going to happen when; perhaps he does. Develop a daily schedule for him as to what he needs to accomplish that day. Each day will probably be different if your house is like ours. Do a weekly plan. Set up times and activities/chores/schoolwork, etc to be done in that time frame. This can be pretty basic with get up, make bed, brush teeth to practice clarinet to weed the garden. To get to do something special, the activities assigned must be done. Build in free time, but it is only given if everything above it is accomplished. If the things are not accomplished, he must use free time to get them done. His free time is whatever time he then has left, it does not carry over! Make sure to not get too tight on the times, especially at first. Again, don't give in; smile and empathise, but remind him of the choices he made--"I'm so sorry it took you 25 minutes to make your bed. Now you don't have much free time before you leave for . . . "

Good luck. If you can answer some of the other questions, we may be able to help even a little more. Usually there is something going on--kids won't always tell, especially at this age--that causes the changes.

 

[Soccermom-Cheri]

This is his first year in middle school. The "freedom" of having 5 teachers, indepedant golf for P.E. and that puberty thing is hitting all at once. I had him tested at Sylvan last year and they said he was at grade level in everything. This year's reading test had him at grade level. (In 6th grade he had the highest writing score in the school).

He does his math everyday - the subject he hates the most. (He has the most feared math teacher, I think.) He does well on tests when he reviews the material. It's the doing the homework AND TURNING IT IN (how can you do it and not turn it in???)- "I forgot", "I'm too tired", "I don't care about school. I only care about golf." (I've told him even Tiger Woods had to do homework.)

We've done the "I'm sorry you chose not to do your homework, so you also chose not to play golf." and I get "you're taking away the only thing in the world I care about."

I'm not as strict or as harsh as I could be, I guess. I hate the fact that he can make me cry (never in front of him). I just don't understand why he doesn't just do the darned work and get it over with? Do it. It's done. Mom gets off your case. Life is good. Duh.

He doesn't realize it, but he now has all of the power in the family. And, I hate that.

 

[ddavis860]

Glad he tests well...

I'm thinking it is more like a teenage thing then. It least he really cares about golf. I can't understand the not handing in work thing either, but unfortunatly it seems to be one thing they have control over. Both my sons are guilty of it... They can't give you a good reason why, they just don't do it...go figure Seems like a no brainer to me...


Not sure how you can really motivate someone...All I can say is I'm REALLY glad that this school year is coming to a close!

 

[ksjayhawks]

Now that we know it is not ability or capability, that makes a difference in what you need to do. I have known many kids who have done the homework and just don't get around to turning it in, and then do well on tests. It is so frustrating as a teacher to see their grades drop over forgotten homework when they are so bright and capable! I just cleaned out the locker of a student and found all sorts of unturned work--and his locker is in my room!!!!!!! Now explain that one!

Why don't they do the work? Who knows for sure? He evidently sees no value in turning it in, other than a bad grade or do quiz and test grades wipe some of that out? What were the consequences from the teachers?

Sounds like you need to "toughen" up a little bit. I would try either the behavior plan or schedule with him. I wouldn't take away the golf yet. Build in a study time every day. Even during the summer he can read, write, practice fractions, do some geography or current events. He won't be happy and will try and put it all back on you, will cajole, whine, get mad, pout, say you are mean or don't like him, etc, etc, etc. Stand firm and don't give in. It will be a very, very rough few weeks, but once he realizes that you are serious, you should see a change. If you give in once, you will be done for. If he doesn't get to see a favorite tv show, go swimming with a friend, etc, his world will not end! Don't argue with him or yell; remain calm and have a standard phrase or two and repeat them over and over and over, very calmly (I'm so sorry, when you decide to, when you finish, etc.) Point to the schedule or plan on the fridge. Put it on his shoulders and help him learn that making good choices makes life much, much easier.

Will your dh be on the same wavelength with you and follow through with this as well? Both of you must be agree and follow through. If ds finds out he can manipulate one of you, you are sunk!

Now is the time to get this under control or you could have bigger problems in the future. It might seem harsh or strict, but that's what being a parent is about--preparing our children to be good, productive adults. We aren't to be their best buddies--they have those in their peers--we have to be their parents.

I had to do two very, very strict behavior plans with students this year, but the results were worth it. Also used the schedule with my son--7th grader, 1st year jr hi--this year and it worked with him. After awhile I didn't even get my phrase out of my mouth and he would go, I know, I know and repeat what I was going to say. It took a good three weeks and we started to see the changes. Now we have gone to a modified schedule with him, with more freedom, though he knows the old one will come back if needed.

Good luck in whatever you try!

 

[txgirl]

Sounds like you need to "toughen" up a little bit.

That whole post was really good advice. I have been here as well and everytime someone (friends/parents) say that taking away priviledges doesn't work it usually equates to either *too short* of a time period or *not enough* of a cost.

All things (material and extra-curricular) that to our children are priviledges in my opinion and priviledges are to be earned. That means when the rubber hits the road and we have tried (or felt like we have) everything then we pull out all the stops! In a gentle way and in a loving way, I have taken every single thing away. TV, phone, computer, bike, all things in the room except books and paper for journaling.

I explained to mine that I had done all I could to *make* her choose wisely but if I couldn't *make* her then I would certainly do everything I could to make the unwise decision feel rotten. Basically if you keep choosing this path, it will lead to misery and unhappiness. She could earn back individual items through hard work and most of all a changed attitude.

In the meantime, I was on her side. I prayed with her, talked with her, wrote her letters and encouraged her. I *sided* with her against this "time period" that she had to endure. She went a solid 2 weeks with nothing. I used down time for opportunities to have her help around the house. Clean, pull weeds, watch her younger siblings, help me in the kitchen, etc.

I tried to emphasis that if she didn't realize that she had totally "chosen" this consequence that she would end up right back in this same situation and that would break my heart. You said he makes you cry and let me tell you mom I can totally relate. I knew that applying these consequences were hurting her, but I also knew that making wise choices are crucial and if I couldn't steer her on the right path now, then what would happen when the choices came with a much greater cost????

I would have done her the greatest injustice if I had let her off the hook. This happened two years ago (way before puberty) but honestly anytime we get a little off-kilter we can do a week of "FULL RESTRICTION" (that means no exceptions) and we are right back on track. She knows I mean business and I will withhold it all.

It is hands-down the hardest job ever. You can offer incentives but usually that's not the way the real world works. If you are in an adult work environment and you aren't pulling your weight, your boss doesn't usually say, "hey, if you do what's expected of you, then I'll give you a bonus"

Seriously, his choices need to come with a cost and one that he can feel. You will feel it too because you love him and it will most likely inconvenience you as well.

Parenting With Love & Logic by Cline and Fay is a book I recommend to help you out. I am a bit more stern in some instances but it helps explain how logical *consistent* consequences work the best (not just for kids, but adults too!)

Blessings and best wishes!

 

[txgirl]

Sounds like you need to "toughen" up a little bit.

That whole post was really good advice. It sounds a lot of Love & Logic. I have been here as well and everytime someone (friends/parents) say that taking away priviledges doesn't work it usually equates to either *too short* of a time period or *not enough* of a cost.

All things (material and extra-curricular) that to our children are priviledges in my opinion and priviledges are to be earned. That means when the rubber hits the road and we have tried (or felt like we have) everything then we pull out all the stops! In a gentle way and in a loving way, I have taken every single thing away. TV, phone, computer, bike, all things in the room except books and paper for journaling.

I explained to mine that I had done all I could to *make* her choose wisely but if I couldn't *make* her then I would certainly do everything I could to make the unwise decision feel rotten. Basically if you keep choosing this path, it will lead to misery and unhappiness. She could earn back individual items through hard work and most of all a changed attitude.

In the meantime, I was on her side. I prayed with her, talked with her, wrote her letters and encouraged her. I *sided* with her against this "time period" that she had to endure. She went a solid 2 weeks with nothing. I used down time for opportunities to have her help around the house. Clean, pull weeds, watch her younger siblings, help me in the kitchen, etc.

I tried to emphasis that if she didn't realize that she had totally "chosen" this consequence that she would end up right back in this same situation and that would break my heart. You said he makes you cry and let me tell you mom I can totally relate. I knew that applying these consequences were hurting her, but I also knew that making wise choices are crucial and if I couldn't steer her on the right path now, then what would happen when the choices came with a much greater cost????

I would have done her the greatest injustice if I had let her off the hook. This happened two years ago (way before puberty) but honestly anytime we get a little off-kilter we can do a week of "FULL RESTRICTION" (that means no exceptions) and we are right back on track. She knows I mean business and I will withhold it all.

It is hands-down the hardest job ever. You can offer incentives but usually that's not the way the real world works. If you are in an adult work environment and you aren't pulling your weight, your boss doesn't usually say, "hey, if you do what's expected of you, then I'll give you a bonus"

Seriously, his choices need to come with a cost and one that he can feel. You will feel it too because you love him and it will most likely inconvenience you as well.

Parenting With Love & Logic by Cline and Fay is a book I recommend to help you out. I am a bit more stern in some instances but it helps explain how logical *consistent* consequences work the best (not just for kids, but adults too!)

Blessings and best wishes!

 

[Soccermom-Cheri]

Thanks so much, ksjayhawks and txgirl. I will toughen up. In fact, he disobeyed me yesterday in a sneaky way so I told him no golf for the rest of the week (I was so mad it just came out of my mouth). So, his dad has his clubs where he cannot get to them.

I agree that putting it back on his shoulders is what needs to happen. I'm going to print out both of your posts and keep them.