How do I help my mom

[hulagirl87]

So a month ago my mom went for her routine mammogram. They found a lump and did a biopsy. They called her the next day to tell her that it was cancer. She went in the day after that and they did an MRI. The cancer is only in one breast but my mom is choosing to have a double mastectomy. She did not want to do a lumpectomy for fear that it would not get everything.

Her surgery is this Thursday (12/15). She is getting more scared and worried as the days go by. As am I. She is scared about the surgery itself and the recovery. She is scared that when they test her lymph nodes that they will find that the cancer has spread. She is scared about how she will look afterwards and her scars.

I'm not sure how to help her. My mom and I are extremely close. We always have been. Right now all I can do is listen to her. I can't understand what she is going through. Today I talked to her and she just cried and told me that she doesn't want to die.

I'm looking for any help from those of you that might have gone through this surgery yourselves or know of someone that has. What should the recovery be like? How can I help my mom? I will be going over to her house frequently to check on her and help her as much as possible. I know that she will not be able to use her arms very well.

I thank you all for "listening". This is a very frightening time and any help that you can offer would be much appreciated.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

hugs for your mom and you too. She is blessed to have you in her life.

Check out the breast cancer survivors thread on the community board. These ladies are fantastic and have a wealth of information. They are encouraging.

I have a different kind of cancer and they have adopted me. They are a great bunch of ladies. You will be glad you went over there. Ask them anything you want.

Wishing your mom all the best

 

[Happy 2 B Me]

Most Hospitals have a brest cancer help group. Our hospital pairs a prior patient with one that is having up coming treatment and or surgery. You might want to check that out to see if you have one there. As you can see cancer is a family illness. You are a blessing for your mom as she will need help after surgery. I HAD ovarian cancer and after 26 years I am still cancer free. Your mom is brave with her choice of care. She may qualify for reconstructive surgery should she want to have that done. Stay positive and never look back. Having a daughter like you is going to make her recovery so much easier. Prayers for your mom and all the ladies that are surviors and ladies soon to be surviors.

Patty

 

[hulagirl87]

thank you for your kind words. I did a search for a breast cancer thread on the community board and the one I found was locked/closed the last post was mid November. I didn't see a new thread after that one.

My mom had asked her doctor for the phone number of a patient that had had this surgery and spoke with her a few days ago. She was very honest with my mom but I think it might have even scared her more. I think it's good to have the honest look at it though. I know that it will be a long road ahead for her but I will be with her the whole way!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So a month ago my mom went for her routine mammogram. They found a lump and did a biopsy. They called her the next day to tell her that it was cancer. She went in the day after that and they did an MRI. The cancer is only in one breast but my mom is choosing to have a double mastectomy. She did not want to do a lumpectomy for fear that it would not get everything.

Her surgery is this Thursday (12/15). She is getting more scared and worried as the days go by. As am I. She is scared about the surgery itself and the recovery. She is scared that when they test her lymph nodes that they will find that the cancer has spread. She is scared about how she will look afterwards and her scars.

I have been in your mother's shoes.

The words fear and scared have come through in your post fairly loudly.

It certainly is scary to get a diagnosis like this, but I hate to see fear as the reason for making certain decisions. I'd much rather see knowledge and confidence in decision making.

It's important to truly understand things very well before making final decisions that impact you forever. My doctors told me not to rush into surgery because there were things I needed to learn about and think about long and hard before I made my final decisions. It was solid advice.

See, the type of surgery you choose doesn't determine whether you live or die from this disease. If it did, most of us would be walking around without breasts.

Lumpectomy with radiation has been proven for many years to be equally as effective as mastectomy in preventing cancer recurrence in the affected breast. When discusssing my own options with my oncologist, looking at the film of my breast she placed her thumb over the tumor and said, "This is your tumor, the rest is healthy breast tissue. Why would you want to get rid of all that healthy tissue?". My reply? "Well I don't, but I want to be here to raise my children".

It was then that I learned that the type of surgery I chose would never guarantee me that because the problem with invasive cancer is that some cells can get away from the tumor site before it's found, and settle and grow elsewhere later on, like the liver or brain, and essentially that's what you can die from. But again, that happens before you find the tumor, and is what chemo is designed to help, i.e. killing off those cells that got away. (Note this does not apply with non-invasive cancers that don't travel anywhere.)

In the case of mastectomy, and double mastectomy, one is a big surgery and two is even bigger. Then you are left with no breast tissue* and are usually looking at another major surgery for reconstruction. (I say "no" but in fact it's impossible, even with mastectomy, to remove 100% of breast tissue, which in actuality goes down as far as under your arm, and breast tumors have been known to crop up in scar tissue so even having mastectomy can be a false sense of security that breast cancer will never return and it's devastating to the person when it does. I was given the figure that there was a 2.5% chance of recurrence yearly even with mastectomy, and a 5% chance with lumpectomy - so with both types of surgery there is always a chance of recurrence) Sometimes when we're in this situation all we can think about is getting rid of the cancer, but we're not thinking about down the road with body image issues, how our clothes fit, how our spouses view us, pain issues, sensuality/sexuality issues, etc. (Not that these mean everything but they are things to be considered, for sure, because they do impact our lives later on.)

Some people do know all the facts and choose to have a double mastectomy anyway in order to drastically reduce the chance of a recurrence to the breasts forever. Which is great as long as you understand why you're doing it, that nothing is guaranteed 100%, that you can still ultimately succumb to BC, and that you want to choose to go forward with it anyway. (Survival, however, has come a very long way and most people diagnosed today will survive it thanks to early diagnosis and better understanding and treatment than ever. Even some advanced cases today can be treated more like chronic illness than death sentences. Coming to terms yourself with the diagnosis is still the hump that is difficult to get over, and certainly takes a lot longer than a month or two.)

However, in the situation you've described, it could be overkill, especially if the tumor is not invasive. Lumpectomy with radiation for non-invasive tumors has almost a 100% cure rate.

If the tumor is invasive and well defined, she could still have a lumpectomy (if that was presented as an option to her). Once the tumor is removed a pathologist examines the entire thing under a microscope to determine if all the margins are "clean", ie there are no cancer cells along the edges that could grow later. All edges need to have healthy tissue so healthy tissue can grow back. I chose a surgeon who was very precise (and slow!) who got all clean margins the first time. Done deal, cancer gone, home that night, still have breasts. Eight years later my breasts are still cancer free.

With all that said, there will be people that understand all of this completely and still choose to go forward with single or double mastectomy or who feel better (less anxious) having the whole breast removed, and that is their prerogative. But at least know the facts before you make the choice.

That is the surgery part. I would strongly suggest that if your Mom needs more time to do more research or talk to her doctors again, ask questions, etc, she should take it, even if it means rescheduling.

As for the other part, ie invasive tumors. I still don't know if your mother's is invasive or not. But regardless, basically these days they can determine the likelihood of recurrence and make recommendations about chemo or not before the surgery. They'll still check the sentinel node to see if cancer has spread there and if not, that's it. No chemo. If nodes are positive, usually chemo is recommended. Because cancer traveling up from the tumor site to the lymph node means cancer was in the lymph/blood system and therefore, at least in theory, could have traveled elsewhere as well. Generally things will not show up on CT and other scans right away, it could take years. So to prevent the likelihood of further growth, they hope chemo will kill off the cells that got away.

I am the OP of the breast cancer thread you're looking for. You can find it under my username. Please PM me if I can be of further assistance, and we hope to see you on the other thread. We've had many "daughters" there over the years who just want to be supportive to their moms.

 

[mommasita]

Thoughts and prayers everything goes well today.

 

[AnnaS]

First

My mom was diagnosed a little over two years ago. She had the lumpectomy. It had spread to her lymph nodes. She underwent chemo and radiation. She is actually having her petscan Monday - after having her last two mammos and they have come back good. Praying this comes back good so they can remove her port.

Her knowing you are there for her is a big help. She will definitely need a lot of support.

(Unfortunately my mom ended up with open heart surgery last year (leaky valve for years) and had a valve replaced and one repaired. Because of this, she is not well now and has pulmunary (sp) hypertension).

Praying for the best for your mom.

 

[henrylarry6]

My heart goes to you. I understand what phase you are undergoing right now. Just keep your spirit and be with your mother, she only needs emotional support apart from medicines.

 

[honeymom]

I want to wish your mom the best. I too am battling a cancer (not breast). I am the daughter and granddaughter of breast cancer survivors. There is an unbelievable amount of money raised for breast cancer research by groups such as the Komen Foundation. This has led to revolutionary advances in care and medicine. When my grandmother survived (she had multiple cancers but lived until 94 years old) nearly all women with it did not make it. I suspect the opposite is true now. As time goes on and your mom feels better and sees positive results, hopefully she will calm down about the diagnosis.

Most hospitals/oncology offices have social workers who can help talk with your mom about how she is feeling. Some have oncopsychiatrists who can put her on medication to help her deal with her anxiety if it is that severe. She should probably discuss it with her doctor.

 

[Kathy C]

So a month ago my mom went for her routine mammogram. They found a lump and did a biopsy. They called her the next day to tell her that it was cancer. She went in the day after that and they did an MRI. The cancer is only in one breast but my mom is choosing to have a double mastectomy. She did not want to do a lumpectomy for fear that it would not get everything.

Her surgery is this Thursday (12/15). She is getting more scared and worried as the days go by. As am I. She is scared about the surgery itself and the recovery. She is scared that when they test her lymph nodes that they will find that the cancer has spread. She is scared about how she will look afterwards and her scars.

I'm not sure how to help her. My mom and I are extremely close. We always have been. Right now all I can do is listen to her. I can't understand what she is going through. Today I talked to her and she just cried and told me that she doesn't want to die.

I'm looking for any help from those of you that might have gone through this surgery yourselves or know of someone that has. What should the recovery be like? How can I help my mom? I will be going over to her house frequently to check on her and help her as much as possible. I know that she will not be able to use her arms very well.

I thank you all for "listening". This is a very frightening time and any help that you can offer would be much appreciated.

Just wanted to say what a wonderful and thoughtful post! Hoping for continued good health for you in 2012.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I have been in your mother's shoes.

The words fear and scared have come through in your post fairly loudly.

It certainly is scary to get a diagnosis like this, but I hate to see fear as the reason for making certain decisions. I'd much rather see knowledge and confidence in decision making.

It's important to truly understand things very well before making final decisions that impact you forever. My doctors told me not to rush into surgery because there were things I needed to learn about and think about long and hard before I made my final decisions. It was solid advice.

See, the type of surgery you choose doesn't determine whether you live or die from this disease. If it did, most of us would be walking around without breasts.

Lumpectomy with radiation has been proven for many years to be equally as effective as mastectomy in preventing cancer recurrence in the affected breast. When discusssing my own options with my oncologist, looking at the film of my breast she placed her thumb over the tumor and said, "This is your tumor, the rest is healthy breast tissue. Why would you want to get rid of all that healthy tissue?". My reply? "Well I don't, but I want to be here to raise my children".

It was then that I learned that the type of surgery I chose would never guarantee me that because the problem with invasive cancer is that some cells can get away from the tumor site before it's found, and settle and grow elsewhere later on, like the liver or brain, and essentially that's what you can die from. But again, that happens before you find the tumor, and is what chemo is designed to help, i.e. killing off those cells that got away. (Note this does not apply with non-invasive cancers that don't travel anywhere.)

In the case of mastectomy, and double mastectomy, one is a big surgery and two is even bigger. Then you are left with no breast tissue* and are usually looking at another major surgery for reconstruction. (I say "no" but in fact it's impossible, even with mastectomy, to remove 100% of breast tissue, which in actuality goes down as far as under your arm, and breast tumors have been known to crop up in scar tissue so even having mastectomy can be a false sense of security that breast cancer will never return and it's devastating to the person when it does. I was given the figure that there was a 2.5% chance of recurrence yearly even with mastectomy, and a 5% chance with lumpectomy - so with both types of surgery there is always a chance of recurrence) Sometimes when we're in this situation all we can think about is getting rid of the cancer, but we're not thinking about down the road with body image issues, how our clothes fit, how our spouses view us, pain issues, sensuality/sexuality issues, etc. (Not that these mean everything but they are things to be considered, for sure, because they do impact our lives later on.)

Some people do know all the facts and choose to have a double mastectomy anyway in order to drastically reduce the chance of a recurrence to the breasts forever. Which is great as long as you understand why you're doing it, that nothing is guaranteed 100%, that you can still ultimately succumb to BC, and that you want to choose to go forward with it anyway. (Survival, however, has come a very long way and most people diagnosed today will survive it thanks to early diagnosis and better understanding and treatment than ever. Even some advanced cases today can be treated more like chronic illness than death sentences. Coming to terms yourself with the diagnosis is still the hump that is difficult to get over, and certainly takes a lot longer than a month or two.)

However, in the situation you've described, it could be overkill, especially if the tumor is not invasive. Lumpectomy with radiation for non-invasive tumors has almost a 100% cure rate.

If the tumor is invasive and well defined, she could still have a lumpectomy (if that was presented as an option to her). Once the tumor is removed a pathologist examines the entire thing under a microscope to determine if all the margins are "clean", ie there are no cancer cells along the edges that could grow later. All edges need to have healthy tissue so healthy tissue can grow back. I chose a surgeon who was very precise (and slow!) who got all clean margins the first time. Done deal, cancer gone, home that night, still have breasts. Eight years later my breasts are still cancer free.

With all that said, there will be people that understand all of this completely and still choose to go forward with single or double mastectomy or who feel better (less anxious) having the whole breast removed, and that is their prerogative. But at least know the facts before you make the choice.

That is the surgery part. I would strongly suggest that if your Mom needs more time to do more research or talk to her doctors again, ask questions, etc, she should take it, even if it means rescheduling.

As for the other part, ie invasive tumors. I still don't know if your mother's is invasive or not. But regardless, basically these days they can determine the likelihood of recurrence and make recommendations about chemo or not before the surgery. They'll still check the sentinel node to see if cancer has spread there and if not, that's it. No chemo. If nodes are positive, usually chemo is recommended. Because cancer traveling up from the tumor site to the lymph node means cancer was in the lymph/blood system and therefore, at least in theory, could have traveled elsewhere as well. Generally things will not show up on CT and other scans right away, it could take years. So to prevent the likelihood of further growth, they hope chemo will kill off the cells that got away.

I am the OP of the breast cancer thread you're looking for. You can find it under my username. Please PM me if I can be of further assistance, and we hope to see you on the other thread. We've had many "daughters" there over the years who just want to be supportive to their moms.

I lurk over here occasionally, and Pea-n-Me talked me down of the proverbial ledge when my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast cancer. I always admire how thoughtful and informative she is. Thank you. Again.

My mother was Stage 4 when diagnosed, so we thought the worst and mentally prepped for the beginning of the end. I am happy to say that she has been not only living but thriving since being diagnosed almost 5 years ago. There have been some bumps in the road, some ups and downs, highs and lows. But since her diagnosis she has been able to retire, move to a new state, travel, see her 2 grandchildren grow from babies into actual people (albeit 8 and 9 year old people, but no longer babies), and got to meet her third grandchild 3 years ago.

As her oldest daughter, I felt my main jobs were to stay brave and positive for her when she couldn't, ask questions when she wouldn't, and every once in a while indulge her even though I probably shouldn't.

The best thing I tried to keep in mind, and its something I remind my mother often - everyone is different. People react different to treatment. People's cancer cells are different. Their treatments and results will be different. And most important, there are lots of different options for treatment. My mother was convinced that her chemo wasn't working because she wasn't sick, tired, or miserable "like everyone said" would happen, but her markers dropped 1200 according to the pet scan results we got today, so I guess she was wrong about that.

Hang in there, love and support your mom, and get support for yourself if you feel you need it. This was definitely a good place to start.

 

[SallyfromDE]

My mother was a breast cancer survior for 30 years. She has a radical mastectomy (before they started to do lumpectomy's) and radiation. I don't know that a stage of the cancer was ever determined, just that it was caught before it went into her body.

I believe her reply would be to stay diligent with her health. Do all the tests the Doctors recommend, like her bone scans and liver scans. Not to feel complacent with the disease. Be there to support her and love her.