How do deal with ridiculous excess RE: Gifts

[snoopy5386]

I know this is a little late since Christmas was over a week ago but we just got back from celebrating 5 Christmases with extended family. One with cousins on Christmas Day and then 4 more with each set of divorced grandparents.

DD (age 2.5) is the only grandchild and will be the only until we have more children. Our kids will be the grandchildren for a very long time perhaps ever.
DD received well over 100 gifts this Christmas with the lions share coming from the 4 sets of grandparents. Each set gave her between 12-25+ gifts and 3 out of the 4 gave her a full stocking as well. I am truly at a loss on how to deal with this. The excess is just disgusting to me...
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All gifts had to be opened right away at said person's house, most were taken out of the package (both for her to play with and for us to fit in the car), leaving us unable to return, regift or donate to most charity organizations next christmas who only want "new" toys. Only 4 gifts were clothing, most were toys and some books. I would say about 10-15% of the gifts are things that are age/size inappropriate such as a pair of size 12 flip flops, she wears a 7, several toys for ages 4 and up and several board games that are age inappropriate that I now have to store for several years before DD can play with them. It also continues what I call the "domino effect" that has been happening since she was born, they buy her toys for a 4 year old when she is 2 and then when she is 4 she already has those toys so they buy her toys for when she is 6, etc, etc.
Another 10-15% were gifts we already owned (most of the books sadly). I don't really understand this, how hard is it to pick up the phone (they all have cell phones) and say, what size shoe is she wearing right now or I'm looking at these books does she have any of them? My mom asked for sizes and then still went and bought the wrong size???
As for the gifts that we already own, the givers asked when she was opening them, does she already have these, we said yes, but yet no receipts were offered, so what exactly are we supposed to do with them now?

They all asked for lists which we provided (at least 5 ideas) and then bought the stuff on the list and 10x more. Our car was packed to the gills, literally DD's carseat surrounded by toys plus a totally full trunk and we still have to have 2 of the grandparents come visit to bring the rest of the stuff.

I don't know how to deal with this. I really don't. I didn't grow up with this kind of excess from my grandparents so I am not quite sure why my parents are doing this. DH's Dad and Stepmom always go overboard for Christmas, they were the ones who got her the most stuff. It is not just Christmas either, it is every holiday. Her birthday will be a repeat with perhaps 50 gifts. We get gifts in the mail for Halloween, Valentine's Day, Easter, everything. We got a membership to the Aquarium for St Patrick's Day last year (very appreciated, I had asked for it for DD's bday about 2 weeks later, instead we got more presents for her bday). She gets enough candy for 5 kids for every holiday.

We have gotten memberships to places, she gets savings bonds in addition to the gifts, I ask for expensive gifts which we get, but they still get more, more, more. I know that this post will come off as sounding spoiled to some, but getting so many gifts is truly suffocating. The money could go to so many better places, college funds, charity, etc.

Right now DD is small and doesn't get it, but I don't want my kids to be so gift focused around the holidays, how can I do that when I am up against this? Not to mention future power stuggles about gifts we don't necessarily want them to have, ie tvs, cell phones, etc.

I know this part is selfish, but I don't want us/Santa to be totally outdone by the grandparents. We got DD 7 or 8 gifts plus a stocking which seems like more than enough gifts for a 2 year old.

We are already on shaky ground relationship wise with my Mom and DH's Dad and Step Mom. Confronting them and demanding less gifts could easily result in us not speaking to them anymore. My Dad just won't listen period and DH's Mom and StepDad would just be incredibly hurt.
Any advice?

 

[PiperPizzaz]

I don't have much advice. Just good luck. We tried this several years ago and people didn't get it. We don't want/need anything yet people get us so much junk. It makes me feel so guilty when there are so many people in this world that have nothing. Maybe you could open a 529 account and ask that they put in what they would normally spend into it and give one gift each. I know it won't happen but, you can aks.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

We are in the exact opposite situation. We are almost completly on our own for gifts. I often feel guilty because of all the kids who do get lots from their grandparents and we can't compete (though we have been able to teach them the valuable lesson of not trying to keep up with The Jones' so to speak).

As for open gifts, while some charities won't take them, others will. I'd look into that. There are many smaller charities taht will take them. I often hear about a family on the news, maybe it was a house fire or something, and I think I'd love to help them but we can't. I'm not saying toys would fix everything for those kids but they are kids who would find great joy in having those unused toys.

Anyway, that's the route I would go. Shelters for homeless kids or kids whose moms have left abusive situations would gladly take those open toys. Local hospitals where kids have to stay for extended periods of time too. Just a few more ideas.

 

[AmyinKY]

OP, have you thought about writing them thank you note and telling them in the note what charity benefited from the toy? That should open up the discussion on what to do for the next holiday.

 

[A&Bmama]

Wow, that's a lot of gifts!

Maybe you could let everyone know next year that your daughter already has so many toys that she doesn't need too many more. Maybe suggest a limit on the number of toy gifts and suggest that if they feel strongly about giving more that a small investment in your DD future via a contribution to her education fund would be welcome.

We use to have the same problem when my son was small, not so much at xmas with the toys but it was at easter with the candy. Don't get me wrong, I allow candy but each set of grandparents as well as my grandmother were buying a least as much as the "Easter Bunny" was bringing. There is just no way that a (chubby) three year old should eat 5 or 6 large choc bunnies along with countless bags of jelly beans, gummies, choc eggs, etc. They just can't appreciate it.

Good luck!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

OP, have you thought about writing them thank you note and telling them in the note what charity benefited from the toy? That should open up the discussion on what to do for the next holiday.

I can see that starting trouble, but that a really good idea!!!

 

[mommytoone]

I know where you are coming from!! DD is 7 now, but this has been happening since birth. I NOW and have for 2 years is shop for my mom, this way I get what I/she wants and what is appropriate. Of course she goes and buys things that I dont want. Our rule is this, you can unwrap but you must wait until we get home to open the gift. This way I can determine what to keep, and what to get rid of. This rule helps, but it is a hard one to keep. I have the problem with people buying her gift for a 2 yo when when she is 7. Hope this helps. I tell everyone we dothis so we don't loose a part, they are all like that a great idea, so far it has worked.

 

[MyKidsMom1820]

I would try to sell the extra stuff at a kids consignment shop and use the money for your kids college savings. also I give many of my kids outgrown toys to the nursery at our church, or a homeless shelter may use them, they often have older kids, families coming through they could use a little cheer in their lives.

 

[dementia412]

One thing you could do is leave all that stuff where it came from. That is make granny and gramps keep it at their house "so she'll have stuff to do if she visits" . Freecycle the stuff, take it to a woman's shelter or sell it through a consignment store. I guess having overly generous parents can be just as bad as having the kind that give crummy or no gifts at all. Hope you figure something out.

 

[nessz79]

I know. It took about 5 years but we finally got my parents to back off on gifts. It took telling them several years in a row how many toys we have and how we're always putting excess things in storage or giving things away, etc, etc. That still didn't work. I finally e-mailed my parents and told them to please only buy 2 presents for each child/from each adult. That still allowed them to give them 4 presents total, plus 2 each from my sister. They share the large majority of their presents so they still had plenty of toys. I had to include all of that as a rationale in my e-mail.

They didn't completely stick to it, but it was SO much better than in years past.

As far as what you have now, I would donate anything that she couldn't use within the next year or two to charity. It doesn't matter if they are already opened. Anything that you think the grandparents would definitely notice missing you can keep, but get rid of the things you don't think anyone would miss.

Good luck- we haven't been in a situation quite like yours (Wow, is all I can say) but we are tired of excess, too. Especially since we've been trying to teach our kids about meaningful stuff about Christmas- religious and otherwise.

 

[nessz79]

One thing you could do is leave all that stuff where it came from. That is make granny and gramps keep it at their house "so she'll have stuff to do if she visits" . Freecycle the stuff, take it to a woman's shelter or sell it through a consignment store. I guess having overly generous parents can be just as bad as having the kind that give crummy or no gifts at all. Hope you figure something out.

That's a good idea, too- we have done this!

 

[Mom2Nick]

Tell all sides that they are no longer allowed to "outdo Santa" and they each can spend whatever they want but they are only allowed to give DD 4 presents each. If they buy more than that - only take home 4 and leave the leftovers for them to deal with.

 

[Stephres]

I have told my mom if it is too big it is staying at her house too.

We have this problem. Our house is literally falling apart and we don't have money for repairs but my parents come to visit with more presents for the kids than we bought. How do you tactfully say, we would appreciate money toward a new bathroom rather than a bunch of junk?

I keep telling my sister to hurry up and get pregnant so mine won't be the only grandchildren but I don't think that's a good solution.

 

[iheartdisney]

We are in the exact opposite situation. We are almost completly on our own for gifts. I often feel guilty because of all the kids who do get lots from their grandparents and we can't compete (though we have been able to teach them the valuable lesson of not trying to keep up with The Jones' so to speak).

As for open gifts, while some charities won't take them, others will. I'd look into that. There are many smaller charities taht will take them. I often hear about a family on the news, maybe it was a house fire or something, and I think I'd love to help them but we can't. I'm not saying toys would fix everything for those kids but they are kids who would find great joy in having those unused toys.

Anyway, that's the route I would go. Shelters for homeless kids or kids whose moms have left abusive situations would gladly take those open toys. Local hospitals where kids have to stay for extended periods of time too. Just a few more ideas.

Yeah, we are in the same boat. We have 3 kids, the oldsest is 6, and DH's dad has yet to send even a birthday or Christmas card or even a phone call. I know I shouldn't be suprised...he wasn't too keen on parenting his kids...why should he want to be a grandparent?
As far as surplus, you can sell on craigslist or ebay and put that money away. I know, many charities take open toys, especially goodwill or salvation army thrift stores. My mom is a police dispatcher, and the officers keep toys in their patrol cars for situations.
If you are active in a church, I'm sure the nursery could use some new toys.

 

[zoemurr]

and I flat out told them that it was hurting my feelings (which it was). Santa brings about 10 gifts for each child. (Why in the world I gave that guy all the credit I'll never know!) Anyway, I spent the first 2 years in tears when my MIL showed up with bags and bags of gifts, 'cause I felt she had trumped Santa. I had also made the mistake of giving her too many ideas. I never expected her to get them all, and then some.

This year she brought 6 each (still too many) but ok. I only offer a few ideas. She complained over and over that she didn't have enough, but I can live with that.

I would be honest with the family that you think you can be. With the other set, I would NEVER allow the child to open the box there, no matter what I had to say. I would save it to regift, or sell it on Craig's list.

We have huge birthday parties and I don't allow gifts 'cause I just can't stand all the excess. My kids get everything they ask for from family and don't miss it a bit. I hate all the waste too.

 

[Drewsmommybear]

We had an excessive Christmas as well but we knew this was going to happen and we have a plan. Anything that is too old for my son is going to go to the closet for later use. The power of pulling out a toy on a rainy day and we're all bored is huge. No one has said that all of this has to be given to your daughter at one time. You could think about rationing it out. My mother bought my son several outfits that are too big and I'm enjoying that as well since that's less I have to buy later .

The other thing that we are doing to stop our excess is that this weekend my DS and DH are going to go through all the old toys. Anything that is too young or isn't played with is going to be given to the women's and children's shelter in our area. I bet there's on in your area that could use some flip flops

 

[VeroBeachGirl]

I understand your frustration. It seems like such a waste of resources. Could you set up a college plan for you daughter and have them add to that instead of buying so many toys? Set it up and then send them the information about how to add to it. Maybe if you explain to your family that an education is the most valuable gift they could give your daughter, they will see the light.
Good Luck and keep us posted!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't know, it seems like something silly to be annoyed about. They want to spoil your child. They love your child. I can understand that. We had the first grandchild. That kid got more that first Christmas than 10 kids!!!!!!

I can understand though because it is a lot. I would just tell them what we told our families. Buy them a smallish gift (since they are little and get so much from Santa anyway) and then put the rest of the money in the bank for them for college. Nobody was hurt. We explained that the kids have so much that they don't even play with it because it is overwhelming to them. So each set of Grandparents gets each kid one reasonable but great gift and then they give us money to put away for them. It works out and everyone is happy. Good luck.

 

[Mkrop]

Been there done that with my mom. Her house looked like someone threw up gifts on Christmas day.

She goes nuts buying for my boys, they are the only grandkids.

I have pleaded with her not to, I have shown her piles of stuff that they have never opened, I have tried guilting her by saying that Santa should get to be able to give the "hot" gift and that she shouldnt give more than Santa.

We even left things at her house bc she babysat a lot when I worked. I am a SAHM now so they dont go to her house as often.

Last Christmas time, we had a big blowout. DH was really pressuring me to get her to scale back, she thought I was depriving her of some preconceived "grandparental" right to spoil her grandchildren. It was ugly with a lot of tears, and me caught in the middle. DH backed off but she was really hurt.

I got the impression, she was some how trying to make up for our Christmases as kids when we didnt have a lot of money, her friends were buying up a storm for their grandkids, so she wanted to be like them, and she has always been a quantity over quality type person. There is only so much I can change about her.

She has scaled back some, I try to get her to shop from a list, she has done better, but I still have a pile of stuff to return, bc the kids got duplicates, she is also bad about gift receipts but I ask her all the time, she would rather just give me the regualr receipt but then she cant find them,even though I tell her to keep them all in one folder.

She does the same stuff for me, DH, my two brothers (29 and 25). She gets great joy from it, I do realize that, but she cant seem to have it register how frustrating it is for me. I hope I dont sound ungrateful bc I am not, I love and adore her, but if you saw the excess, it would have you shaking your head as well.

 

[Stephres]

It does hurt my feeling too. The kids get one present from Santa, one from us and one from each other. When my parents arrived, the younger one said, Santa doesn't need to come, there are so many presents already! It really steals the fun from the parents to fill some emotional need of the grandparents.