Holiday problems :

[Judy Judy Judy]

We have a male friend who has been coming to our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve for the past 17 years, he grew up with my dh and has no one but his dad that's remarried and doesn't give two hoots about him ( of course he's not a child he's 49 so ).

My problem is this year we don't want him coming over for Christmas Eve we won't be opening any presents until Christmas day this year and it will be at my dd house and even though he knows my dd and son-i-l, they want to open presents early and just don't feel like opening present in their PJ's with him there at 6 in the morning.

What could I possible say to him that wouldn't hurt his feelings? He will be here for Thanksgiving , and I don't even know if Thanksgiving should even be a time to bring it up?

We were just going to watch movies Christmas eve and just chill out together, my dh and myself but how can I possible say , we don't want you to come over for Christmas eve, without it sounding bad?

 

[DisneyMomOK]

We have a male friend who has been coming to our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve for the past 17 years, he grew up with my dh and has no one but his dad that's remarried and doesn't give two hoots about him ( of course he's not a child he's 49 so ).

My problem is this year we don't want him coming over for Christmas Eve we won't be opening any presents until Christmas day this year and it will be at my dd house and even though he knows my dd and son-i-l, they want to open presents early and just don't feel like opening present in their PJ's with him there at 6 in the morning.

What could I possible say to him that wouldn't hurt his feelings? He will be here for Thanksgiving , and I don't even know if Thanksgiving should even be a time to bring it up?

We were just going to watch movies Christmas eve and just chill out together, my dh and myself but how can I possible say , we don't want you to come over for Christmas eve, without it sounding bad?

What a difficult situation! Feelings are so easily bruised during the holidays, anyway, this is going to be rough to negotiate without someone being hurt or disappointed. Please don't bring it up on Thanksgiving, though. I think that would make it worse. Best of luck, however you handle this.

 

[freckles and boo]

Can you invite him over a day earlier? You don't have to completely change the tradition - just shift it a bit.

 

[Michelle67]

Oooh, that is a tough one. Could you maybe plan a get together with him for the weekend before? Doesn't necessarily help with the feeling of nowhere to go for the real holiday, but it doesn't make him feel like you just don't want him around either. Maybe just say hey, we want to do something a little different for Christmas and Christmas Eve this year...can you make it over the weekend before to hang out and celebrate Christmas early with us?

I'm not sure if I would bring it up on Thanksgiving either. If he doesn't take it well it will bring that day down too. I'd maybe give him a call the first of the month. Gives him time to still come up with another plan if he wants to for the actual day.

Best wishes with the situation.

 

[mickeymedic]

Are you planning a family meal on Christmas Day? Maybe you could invite him to that instead of Christmas Eve. You could explain that you are not doing your "normal" Christmas Eve gathering - so you would like him to join you for dinner on Christmas Day instead.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would have your dh call him and tell him that you are changing your holiday tradition with him this year and that your plans have changed.

Just be honest and upfront. He has been coming over for 17yrs so probably good to do sooner rather than later.

Now I would either tell him before Thanksgiving or shortly thereafter but not on Thanksgiving. That would be a punch in the gut.

Sounds like a tricky spot.

 

[koolaidmoms]

I don't think I would bring this up on Thanksgiving but maybe a few days after. Holidays are fraught with emotion anyway and if this is his tradition and he thinks of you like family this may be a difficult thing for him.

Can you invite him over later on Christmas Day for snacks and a drink? Maybe the Friday after Christmas for dinner or something? Try to find a new tradition with him. Ask him what he may like to do with you.

Good luck.

 

[disykat]

"We're not having a Christmas Eve gathering this year, can you come over on ... "

Like others, unless it comes up I'd wait until after Thanksgiving. If it does come up, just be very casual and matter of fact about it.

When the kids grow up and leave home, it's very common to start new traditions because now there are inlaws, grandchildren, etc. He should understand this.

 

[GJM]

Is there any way he can go to your daughters on Christmas Day for dinner?

 

[arminnie]

"We're not having a Christmas Eve gathering this year, can you come over on ... ".

I am a single person and I would not be the least bit offended if someone told me that they were not "doing Christmas Eve" that year. Do tell him early though so he can make other plans if he wants to. I would be very embarrassed if I showed up on Christmas Eve only to find out that no one else was coming and there was no celebration.

My mother's best friend (both are deceased now) had us over for Christmas eve for about 50 years (literally). We never assumed we were going until we had a "see you Christmas Eve" message even if scribbled in a Christmas card.

The worst thing you could do would be to not tell him until the last minute. I still have not forgiven my cousin who had her brother call at 11 pm on Christmas eve to tell me that they were not coming for Christmas. They had been coming for DECADES and had certain foods that they always brought. I had absolutely no problem with them deciding to have their own family celebration, but could not believe that they did not let us know until about 12 hours before hand that they (and the dressing, potatoes, etc.) would not be there. And it was NINE people that I'd already planned for.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

Well one thing I think everyone agrees on is not to say anything on Thanksgiving, I totally agree with this now that everyone has say so.

I'm trying to get with my dd and see if they can't just have him join us for breakfast on Christmas morning.

I feel so sorry for this guy, he's a nice guy but not attractive, and has been single his whole life, which half of his life was spent taking care of his mom, who has since passed on. I wish him a wife for the next year, or at least a girl friend...well even a bad date would be good too. It's bad when you reach a certain age and you're around no single folks to go out with, and just work and work your life away.

 

[Minnie&Nana]

"We're not having a Christmas Eve gathering this year, can you come over on ... "

I think this is such a nice way to phrase it...it's very kind and gives you a way to invite for another time.

Very, very difficult.....I might even feel disappointed that my DD would ask me to do this (do not mean for that to sound unkind toward your DD).

How do you feel about it? If it was completely your choice, what would prefer?

Tough situation...wishing you the best.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Agree with disykat -- it's a great way to phrase it.

And, rather than dealing with Christmas at all, I'd say something like "We're not having a Christmas Eve gathering this year, can we celebrate with you on December 20th?", or have a date in mind outside the 24th or 25th. Maybe do a Boxing Day get-together? That way, he's still over to "celebrate" but you're free the 24th and 25th with your family.

 

[7165red]

He may not be a blood relative but he has been part of your family for years. Invite hime over for xmas eve. and watch movies with you & invite hime for xmas dinner. This man is going to be hurt if you tell him not to come. It may end up that he may not want to come over xmas eve. Don't hurt anyone during the holidays if it can be helped. I know you don't want to.

 

[momto2girls]

That's a tough one. I can understand how your DD feels though. It is understandable that she would be uncomfortable with him there and that she would want some time for you to celebrate alone with just your own family. I know that I would feel the same way!

I like the idea of telling him that you aren't having a Christmas Eve gathering this year, but you'd like him to come celebrate on __________.

Good luck!

 

[MoniqueU]

He may not be a blood relative but he has been part of your family for years. Invite hime over for xmas eve. and watch movies with you & invite hime for xmas dinner. This man is going to be hurt if you tell him not to come. It may end up that he may not want to come over xmas eve. Don't hurt anyone during the holidays if it can be helped. I know you don't want to.

I feel this way too.

 

[cruellababy]

have to agree w 7165Red also; you and your Dh are so lucky to have eachother- it sounds like this man has no one else, the holidays are a time for sharing- and I don't see how it could possibly be that big of a deal to continue to share of yourselves w this person you've been sharing your holidays w for years.

 

[DisneyMomOK]

I feel so sorry for this guy, he's a nice guy but not attractive, and has been single his whole life, which half of his life was spent taking care of his mom, who has since passed on. I wish him a wife for the next year, or at least a girl friend...well even a bad date would be good too. It's bad when you reach a certain age and you're around no single folks to go out with, and just work and work your life away.

Now, that would be a great NY resolution: get DH's buddy a girlfriend for 2009! You sound like you are coming close to a good solution for all! Best of luck!!