Holiday Party Etiquette

[RachelEllen]

Ok, etiquette experts, opinions please!

We're having a holiday cocktail party at our house. We sent out invitations by mail that were from my husband and I inviting people for "Drinks and Hor'Deovres" to celebrate the holidays. We've always included kids in this party, although we've made clear to parents in the past, who have asked, that kids are welcome, but it's not a kid party. Kids that are older can hang in the basement (pool table, TV, etc), normally we have 3-4 in the basement and 3-4 younger ones up in the living room with their parents.

We have an 11 y.o. and told him he could invite some friends from school. Well, between families with kids, parents in the school we are friendly with, and kids he is friends with (in which case, we sent the invitation to the parents and added "and family"), there are about 25 kids invited.

11 y.o., we find out, has been really talking the party up at school and on email, and kind of giving the impression that this is his party. (When I say kind of, sending out emails saying "I'm having a party....")

Do you think its rude, when parents are RSVP'ing that we tell them we don't want them to drop off their kids? There are only 2 requested drop offs at this point, but at this rate, we have the potential for many more. This is our holiday party, and I don't want to be supervising preteens in the basement! Plus, I think the nature of the invitation is a real clue to the party.

So, rude or not rude to say your kid is not welcome without you!

 

[Hercules10]

Not rude. And any teen that shows up without parents you have them call their parents to come and get them.

 

[snykymom]

If these are kids of parents whom you've invited (i.e., you've invited the family), then no, it's not rude.

If these are kids whom your son has invited, and you have not invited the parents, then you must either:
1) with abject apologies, and much grovelling, rescind the invitation to the kids, saying your son was not authorized to make them and it's a grown-up party; or
2) invite the parents, making it a family party, letting them know that it is a grown-up party with a place for the kids to hang out, and then you can say that children are permitted only with their parents.

And then ground your son!

 

[mdsoccermom]

"Drinks and Hor'Deovres"

I hope you didn't spell hors d'oeuvres like that on your invitations.

 

[Hannathy]

I think the time to have declared this was BEFORE your son sent out the invites!!

I agree with the previous poster. TO the kids your son has invited you must either deal with them alone or call and explain the situation and that your son made a mistake and they can't come. Or invite the parents.

I would also make your son call these kids and explain what he did. then maybe next time he will get permission before doing what he did.


At 11 my kids had to check with one of us before sending an email.

It isn't the other kids fault or the parents It is yours and your son's so I don't get the other poster saying you have the right to call and have the parents come get them if they show up. You don't go to parties with a kid their age so why should they think anything but dropping them off, as if they did something wrong

 

[tlbwriter]

If these are kids of parents whom you've invited (i.e., you've invited the family), then no, it's not rude.

If these are kids whom your son has invited, and you have not invited the parents, then you must either:
1) with abject apologies, and much grovelling, rescind the invitation to the kids, saying your son was not authorized to make them and it's a grown-up party; or
2) invite the parents, making it a family party, letting them know that it is a grown-up party with a place for the kids to hang out, and then you can say that children are permitted only with their parents.

And then ground your son!

This.

 

[RachelEllen]

"Drinks and Hor'Deovres"

I hope you didn't spell hors d'oeuvres like that on your invitations.

Yes invitation was spell checked

Yes, everyone who has been officially invited has been invited with a mailed invitation addressed to the parents "and family."

The timeline was :

1) We tell DSS that we are having our holiday party again this year and, as in the past, he is welcome to tell us a few friends that he wants to invite. We are not specific that we are envisioning this few to mean 2 or 3 as in years past.

2) A few days later, I'm doing the invite and ask DSS who he wants to invite and he mentions the 10 or so kids who want to come.

3) His dad and him go over what happened and the email chats are looked over referring to "his party" and getting into preteen stuff like "Oh, is X going to be there" "Yeah, I had to invite her" (Daughter of friends of ours) and "How many girls are going to be there, I'm not allowed to go to coed parties yet"

4) We explain that we will invite the people he has told, but that this is not a kids party, so he cannot ask people over email or invite people himself.

5) We send out written invitations to all the kids, inviting the entire family. Invite is addressed to parent "and family." About 8 of these are kids whose parents we are not friendly with. 2 we would have invited the parents and kids anyway. And another two families from the school are parents we know whose kids DSS are not friendly with. The rest of the invited kids are not from his school.

6) Two kids RSVP that just they are coming.

Hope this is clearer. DSS didn't get in trouble, as we thought it was just an excess of enthusiasm. However, he will if it happens now that we have been clear! He's just gotton into email over the past year. His dad spot checks it, but, as he has access to it at school, we can't look at everything that is sent out.

I should add, in case it is not clear, that my main issue is that while we want DSS to enjoy himself, I don't want to be responsible for a half dozen, coed, preteens hanging out in the basement. That takes a little more work than I want while I'm hosting an adult party upstairs!

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I think if my DD came home with an invitation like that from school, adressed to her, I would think it was a kids party and that parents were welcome to stay. I'm definitely the type that would love to stay, but only *if* I didn't have several other things going on with the other kids, or other holiday parties that we had already RSVP'ed to. But, if I couldn't, I would expect DD to be able to be dropped off since she was the one that was invited!

However, I know plenty of people that would be happy to drop their kids off to go home and watch TV. We were invited to a Halloween party recently that the Evite said specifically was for the families and parents to get to know each other. (This was for a team of DD's.) Well, the veteran parents all came and hang out, and the parents of all the new kids (except one) just dropped their kids off. I think it was a combination of miscommunication (such as your situation) and people just not wanting to hang out. Some people just REALLY aren't into the social scene. I don't claim to understand it, but I don't think their kids should be uninvited for it either.

 

[RachelEllen]

I think if my DD came home with an invitation like that from school, adressed to her, I would think it was a kids party and that parents were welcome to stay. I'm definitely the type that would love to stay, but only *if* I didn't have several other things going on with the other kids, or other holiday parties that we had already RSVP'ed to. But, if I couldn't, I would expect DD to be able to be dropped off since she was the one that was invited!

.

If it makes a difference, all the invites were sent by mail and addressed to:
Mr and Mrs Smith
and family.

It was also an invitation with a picture of a martini glass saying "Stop by for Drinks and Hor 'deourves to celebrate the season!"



Like I said, in the past, we've invited two or three folks we wouldn't have otherwise, normally one or two have come, and there were a few kids playing pool in the basement. I don't mind if a bunch more kids come, as long as their parents are right upstairs!

But, I really think people are taking a leap thinking this is a kids drop-off party. Its just that DSS got to a few kids before the invitation could arrive at their parent's house.

 

[scrapquitler]

Can you find an older teen/young adult relative or family friend and convince (with a small $ bribe if necessary) them to kind of supervise the kids in the basement during the party so that you don't have to worry about it while you are hosting the adults upstairs?

 

[mjkacmom]

I think if my DD came home with an invitation like that from school, adressed to her, I would think it was a kids party and that parents were welcome to stay.


I agree - awkward. I wouldn't want to bring my family to a party where I'm not friends with the hosts, and almost everyone else knows each other but us! Especially around the holidays, with so much going on. I would assume, after talking to my child, that this was a kids party, but we were welcome to stay if we want (since, at the age of 11, I haven't been staying at kids parties for 5+ years now). If my child wanted friends there who's parents I'm not friends with, I'd either say yes, and expect them to be dropped off (I've done this at some bbq's, when there are no kids coming that are around the ages of my older kids), or I'd say the only friends invited are children of my friends.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If I had received this invite and I did not know you, then I would not attend the party either. I would take it as a kid's party and not an adult party. Or to be honest, since I don't know you I would have no desire to attend.

If you want your DS to invite kids in the furture that is fine, but don't expect parents to attend that do not know you. That is weird.

 

[mjkacmom]

If it makes a difference, all the invites were sent by mail and addressed to:
Mr and Mrs Smith
and family.

It was also an invitation with a picture of a martini glass saying "Stop by for Drinks and Hor 'deourves" to celebrate the season!

Like I said, in the past, we've invited two or three folks we wouldn't have otherwise, normally one or two have come, and there were a few kids playing pool in the basement. I don't mind if a bunch more kids come, as long as their parents are right upstairs!

But, I really think people are taking a leap thinking this is a kids drop-off party. Its just that DSS got to a few kids before the invitation could arrive at their parent's house.

The parents might've spoken to their kids about it, mentioning their friend sent an invitation to the family, and the kids probably told them your ds invited them, so they figure they're off the hook. Maybe they think it's an either/or thing, and they decided just to send their children. I think the email is the problem.

 

[tlbwriter]

If I had received this invite and I did not know you, then I would not attend the party either. I would take it as a kid's party and not an adult party.

Addressed to the parents "and family" and featuring a picture of a martini glass? Doesn't look like a kids' party to me.

Or to be honest, since I don't know you I would have no desire to attend.

This. If I didn't already know you, or at least have a passing acquaintance that I was hoping to turn into a friendship, I wouldn't attend. But since the invitation was not addressed only to my child, I also wouldn't assume that she could attend without me.

 

[allison443]

Over the years my kids have been invited to these types of parties without me....my kid is friends with the child, I am not particularly friends with the parents. My kid is being invited as a companion for the host child. If I received an invititation I would assume you were just being polite and I would feel awkward attending if I didn't know you.

Example, last New Year's Eve my dd went over to her friend's house, the parents were having adults over and their dd was allowed to invite a couple of friends to entertain her. We and the parents of the other kids weren't invited, didn't expect or want to be invited.

Just want to add, you are worried about supervising the kids in the basement, but won't that be an issue even if their parents are there? It's not like the parents are going to be hanging out in the basement with the kids anyway. So what is the difference if they are there or not?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Over the years my kids have been invited to these types of parties without me....my kid is friends with the child, I am not particularly friends with the parents. My kid is being invited as a companion for the host child. If I received an invititation I would assume you were just being polite and I would feel awkward attending if I didn't know you.

Exactly.

 

[TriMom]

From what I understand - here is how I would handle it.

I would not expect, nor actually want, people I did not know at my holiday party. So I would let your son have his party in the basement and hire a college kid to supervise for you.

 

[RachelEllen]

Just want to add, you are worried about supervising the kids in the basement, but won't that be an issue even if their parents are there? It's not like the parents are going to be hanging out in the basement with the kids anyway. So what is the difference if they are there or not?

Perhaps it's just an issue in perception, but when kids are dropped off, I feel completely responsible for them. And while there is not going to be anything more dangerous then a TV and pool table down there, it just feels like a different dynamic if their parent's are there.

Besides, I shoudl add, I don't want a preteen party in the basement! There is a big difference in a preteen party in the basement and DSS hanging out with two friends watching TV and playing pool! I guess I'm also assuming/hoping that if it is clear that this is not a drop-off party for kids, but an adult cocktail party and which kids will be accomodated, we won't get all 10 attending!

If it makes a difference, too, none of the parents we invited are total strangers. It's a small school, and all the parents know each other at some level. So, although I may have invited parents that I am not social friends with, they would be social friends with at least one or two of the other parents we invited.

This also seems to be one of those issues where people have very different expectations. I know we always get a few party invitations each year for holiday cocktail parties or open houses that are large events at the houses of people we are not close friends with. I wouldn't think twice to be invited back by any of the people we are inviting, as we are certainly in the same social circles even if we are not close friends. However, never in a million years would I think "Hey, I'm not interested in this cocktail party, but I think I'll drop my kid off at it!"

So yes, it must be combination of email speed beating mail speed and changing the impression of the party and people that just have different expectations than us. Because I'm really suprised (in a good, now I'm more educated type way) by how many people think its reasonable that people want to drop off their kids!

 

[HM]

I hope it all turns out for you. You may be worrying over nothing.

I'd suggest that you let your son throw his own party some time next year for his friends. Maybe when it's warm, so they can be outside. Sounds like he'd really like to have his own party.

 

[DisneyScraps]

If it makes a difference, all the invites were sent by mail and addressed to:
Mr and Mrs Smith
and family.

It was also an invitation with a picture of a martini glass saying "Stop by for Drinks and Hor 'deourves to celebrate the season!"

The invitation sets the tone and yours says it's an adult party and kids can be included.

Lisa