He's not into you/Oprah

[Patty3]

I was watching Oprah today and she had on the authors of a book called something like "He's just not into you". It is a relationship book and I thought the show was very good. My 24yoa DD has been dating a guy for a over a year, he is very successful and is 26. She does want to get married, he says he loves her and just is not ready for marriage, but does want to marry her someday. I have been wondering if this guy is just leading her on. The show and book discussed situations like hers and it seems that it is her that he really does not want to marry. The show was all on a guys take of relationships and their meanings. Should I buy her this book to read, or should I just butt out? I really do not want her to waste her time and to me her boyfriend is really a party boy.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

I am your daughter (okay not really) but I was her when I was in college - my boyfriend swore I was the one and we had grand plans to get married - then he moved and that was it - two weeks later he told me he never really loved me - my parents hated him and really tried to discourage the relationship all along but I never listened - they actually helped him get a job in another city b/c they knew he wouldn't put in the effort for a long distance relationship and they were right!

bad news - she won't listen to you

good news - trust me she knows you don't like him and she will listen in future relationships

Really good news - I am married to the man of dreams and my parents adore him!!!

If she does marry him - you really don't want to alienate her! make sure she knows you will support her decisions in life 100%!

 

[Jeafl]

I watched the show too, and I thought it was quite interesting. It doesn't really pertain to me, since I've been happily married for 19 years (I was a child bride! ). In any case, I thought that the author made a lot of sense. I really felt sorry for some of those women on there who gave the guy a million chances, waited for years, just to hear the same excuse why he can't/won't marry her.

I would buy the book for your daughter. Lord knows, if she's anything like mine, she won't listen to you, but she will listen to someone else.

 

[Mercy]

I just saw the show and thought it was good. If it were me, I would buy the book for her and maybe she will read it. She is your daughter, you have her best interests at heart. She may get mad for a while, but she will get over it... you're her mother. Maybe it will wake her up some, or maybe she will pin her BF down to put up or shut up.

 

[Hannahsmom]

Go get this book for your daughter. Run. Now.

I so wish this book had been around when I was in High School. It would have saved me many heartaches over the years. Although who really knows if a teenager has the maturity to get the message, lord knows no one could tell me anything then, I already knew it all.

 

[Aimeedyan]

Watching this show made me SO thankful I'm not in the dating scene anymore.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Hmm..I didn't see the show, so maybe my judgement isn't swayed by what was said there...but if they are happy, I don't think the fact he doesn't want to marry "now" means he is leading her on.
Just from what I get on your post, you didn't mention she's worried, or unhappy or giving up hope...somethings take time...not everyone rushes into marriage, some are content with waiting til both people are ready. Isn't that better than divorce?

Tell her about the book if you'd like...she can get it on her own if she's concerned, but like another post said, letting her in on the fact you're unhappy with him for her will only alienate her.
Good Luck!

 

[mum4jenn]

I agree that you should buy her the book and if you can order a copy of the show then do that too!!

 

[RitaZ.]

I watched the show. I totally agree with what r&k's mom is saying. If your daughter isn't unhappy with the relationship as it is right now, then there is no reason to worry that her boyfriend is just leading her on. If the day comes when your DD feels that she is ready for marriage, but he isn't, then it's time to think about where the relationship is going.

I think the show was more about women not really wanting to take the "hint" from men. For instance, the young woman that had "the most wonderful, passionate date of her life" 8 months ago and was still waiting for something more from the guy. Come on! If a guy tells you that he is going to call, but he doesn't, it just means that he isn't as interested in you as you are in him.

I guess I don't see the point of sitting around, putting one's life on hold for "something" that may never happen. JMHO.

 

[momof2inPA]

Send the book to her anonymously and a tape of the show if you can get one.

 

[binny]

Originally posted by Aimeedyan
Watching this show made me SO thankful I'm not in the dating scene anymore.

 

[auntpolly]

I don't know - something about that show annoyed me. I was trying to put my finger on it. I think that maybe it's just that with a lot of guys, it's not that they aren't into <i>you</i>, it's that he's too much into <i><b>himself</i></b>. They're getting sex, right? So they don't have to be ready to settle down until they get really bored with dating. Not all men -- of course.

Maybe I'm just getting cynical tonight - but there are plenty of nice guys out there that don't have "tier systems"!

 

[Serena]

I saw it part of it, and it had some really good advice for women. It may not pertain to you, but it was good advice.

 

[DiaDeGuadalupe]

Originally posted by auntpolly
I don't know - something about that show annoyed me. I was trying to put my finger on it.

It was the guy's HAIR! Good LORD, was that not the worst highlight job you've ever seen? One whole side didn't even have color on it (in the front anyhow).

Sorry, just having flashbacks of old clients who'd come in after using one of those at-home kits and wondering if I could fix it....