Helping your child stand up for his/herself

[Princess Stitch]

I feel bad for those of you who have kids being bullied. I was pushed around a little when I was younger, and believe it or not, I'm 23 and I still have kids ramming into me and pushing me because I'm not very tall (5 feet even, so most kids are taller than me).

I can say though, be very careful about telling your children to push or hit another child. A kid falling on thier bum is one thing, but if the child falls and hits their head or breaks a bone, you could have a much more serious issue on your hands. Of course, the other problem could be if your child pushes/hits and then the bully does the same thing back. I know sometimes it feels like this is the only option, but there should always be a better way to resolve things than resorting to violence.

 

[seashoreCM]

>>> Plus if DS hit at school, even in self-defense he would be punished

So the school does nothing when some other kid hits your kid yet punishes your kid for hitting back?

Present the school with the two alternatives mentioned earlier: either you the school do something about it or my kid will. Then step in and appeal any sanctions. Use public courts for such purposes as recovering tuition during days your kid was suspended if the appeal process within the school does not give you satisfaction.

>>> they made me go apoligize to that boy for pushing him (which I did not) and my parents paid a small amount of money to the family for the boys dental bills

YOur parents wanted to make an example out of you, cutting of their noses to spite their faces. Still they owe you for any undeserved punishment, for example they could make it up with a huge graduation gift or a larger percentage of the inheritance. Yes I believe in a Dumbo memory.

Disney hints: http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[txmomto1]

I disagree with you. I do teach my children that some kids are rude but just walking away does not always work. I was bullied and I always walked away. One time I got jumped by a bunch of girls and I was just walking down the street with my girlfriend minding my own business. They thought I was somebody else and I did walk away from them for quite a bit when they started taunting me. They then decided that wasn't enough fun and 3 of them jumped me. Thankfully an off duty PO saw the whole thing and the girls got pulled into the police station but I wish I just punched them in the face. I will never tell my kids to just ignore them because it does not work. Even in school it just got worse if you ignored them. The one time I stood up for myself and actually challenged the bully she backed down. Ignoring a bully never works I don't care what you say. JMHO.

I think there is a difference between the threats you received, vs. a rude kid questioning why she had shoes on, or jumping ahead in a line for the slide. Sure, if you are receiving specific threats to your person, you've got to stand up for yourself. But if it's just playground rudeness, she needs to deal with it on her own, and know when to stand up for herself. Unfortunately, we all go through this, and it sucks.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think there is a difference between the threats you received, vs. a rude kid questioning why she had shoes on, or jumping ahead in a line for the slide. Sure, if you are receiving specific threats to your person, you've got to stand up for yourself. But if it's just playground rudeness, she needs to deal with it on her own, and know when to stand up for herself. Unfortunately, we all go through this, and it sucks.

I completely agree. I was just saying that if a child is continually bothered even after being told "leave me alone, you are not nice" , then telling an adult, then the kids keeps up the nonsense and starting to get physical then my kid is going to knock that kid down and I will defend him/her to the ends of the earth.

 

[dfherrera]

I was reading this post with mixed emotions. I will apologize now for the long reply.

It is a very fine line as someone pointed out. There are extremes here that muddy the water of the day to day bullying. It is hard to say when it is good to walk away and when you must stand up for yourself.

I have an 8 year old DS and he is more cerebral than physical. He has a very strong self image and has no problems standing up for himself with your run of the mill playground/play issues. We try to teach him to use his words first and he is very good at this. It helps that he believes in himself. I think this is fundamental. It is more important than anything else. Your childs self esteem will get them through the tough spots.

We have all been faced with bullies, some stronger, some weaker, and some in between. Ideally we would all like for our children to be able to Speak Up and have the situation resolved but that is not always the case. Some bullies will only respond to physical reactions. If your child hits back (notice I said hits back and not first) the bully will likely move on to other "easier" marks or return the favor. Your child must understand that fact. Most of the time they will find another target. I have also instructed my son to hit back if all else has failed. He has told me that he is not comfortable doing that and I respect him for it but I want him to uderstand that should he feel there is no other alternative, he has my support whatever decision he makes. As someone else stated, I will fight for him in school and/or court should the need arise.

The flip side to the bully issue is the poor children that are the targets. Without strong self esteem, they may think they are lost. This can lead to the child lashing out in truely dangereous ways either to themselves or to others. The stories we read about where a child has just done some terrible act seem to center on kids who as children were always pushed around and tormented. That has a way of building up when repressed.

I am not sure there is any right or wrong here. Each child is an individual and each will react to something differently. I have seen my son respond to a bully very verbally and gathering great attention when (I think) he was truely afraid of the other child and shove back another bully that was testing his boundries but more on par with his physical size. Both times I have called my son over and discussed his actions with him but did not reprimand or praise. I tried to let him know that what he did was appropriate for the situation.

School should be fair and safe but is not always. Teachers are overworked, kids are sneaky, and there are too many opportunities for bullies to strike. Simply telling your child to get a teacher involved is not enough. It should be understood by your child that they do need to bring the issue to an adult but also let them understand that help may not be forthcoming any time soon. They may need to deal with the issue a little while on their own.

To try to make this brief (too late), try to instill in your child the strongest self esteem you can, teach them right from wrong and let them know that they have your support and backing should they need it.

Good Luck - If we all do a little better in this area, all of our kids will benefit.

 

[mamaprincess]

I always tell my kids to make yourself a hard target. If someone hits you hit them back harder. Make sure it hurts so that will be the last time they get out of line with you. Don't tolerate any kind of abuse. Put it to rest. They know I will stand by them if they get in trouble for putting an out of control child in their place. I also let school staff know they don't want to have to deal with me if my child is made to feel miserable in what should be a supervised learning environment. If I am their to witness an out of control child, I step in and handle the situation in a manner that I hope both my children and the other child can learn from.

Having girls, you have to raise them to have zero tolerance for any kind of abuse or bullying. They have to be trained to have a gut reaction to defend themselves against any bullying. Be kind, fair, respectful, good and loving and expect nothing less in return. Anything thing else is unacceptable.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I always tell my kids to make yourself a hard target. If someone hits you hit them back harder. Make sure it hurts so that will be the last time they get out of line with you. Don't tolerate any kind of abuse. Put it to rest. They know I will stand by them if they get in trouble for putting an out of control child in their place. I also let school staff know they don't want to have to deal with me if my child is made to feel miserable in what should be a supervised learning environment. If I am their to witness an out of control child, I step in and handle the situation in a manner that I hope both my children and the other child can learn from.

I couldn't have said it better.

 

[TheDizMom]

I wish I had a good answer for that, because both my kids have a hard time standing up for themselves. I often wonder if it is because I have spent so much time trying to teach them to be polite and respectful and to share and take turns, and a lot of other parents just aren't doing that anymore. I sometimes think that parents today are putting to much emphasis on making sure their kids are getting ahead of all the other kids in sports and school, and everything else they do, they end up teaching them that they are more important then everyone else. When you are constantly taught by your parents that your special and better then other kids, in an attempt to give them greater self confidence or whatever, that it backfires and instead they are learning that they can do whatever they want to get what they want. These kids end up with a sense of entitlement. I also think to many parents these days are trying to be their kids friends instead of their parents, or they don't want their kids to be upset so they just let them have their way all the time.

My DS is so nice and always worries so much he will hurt someone's feelings that he would rather just back off and avoid the issue instead of saying hey you can't do that. The funny thing is he will stand up for other kids when he feels someone is bullying them. My DD won't stand up for herself, she'll come to me to solve the problem for her or worse yet will get so upset she will at times cry. She wants to know why that child did that to her, and all I can tell her is that their mommy didn't teach them to be polite and take turns. I try no to say that a child is mean because I truly feel it is because they haven't been taught the right way to behave. They are doing what all children do if they haven't been told it's the wrong way to behave. A prime example is this woman whose little girl was in my DD's dance class. She has an older son, 9, from her first marriage who is a total brat and beats up on his younger brother who is about 3. She hates her first husband with a passion and therefore isn't very nice to the child from that marriage. Because the older son beats up on the little one, he in turn does it to other boys he is playing with, often for no good reason. Meanwhile his mother doesn't pay attention and if we tell her her son is hitting she usually tells US to just tell him to stop. I'm sorry but isn't that her job. She is completely oblivious! I guess since I can't control what other parents are or aren't teaching their kids, I can only continue to tell mine to let other kids know when they are doing something to them that isn't ok and talk to a teacher or other person of authority if nothing else works. I am also; however, not afraid to tell a child that what they are doing is not acceptable if it could potentially cause injury to my child.

Anyway so now that I have written a book . I shall now be finished with my 2 cents .

 

[hsmamato2]

I try to put myself in my kids shoes...if someone was hitting me, i'd try to get away,if i couldn't-I'd hit them so i could get away -KWIM?
If someone shoved by me or was rude(c'mon,it happens daily) I would most likely ignore, maybe say something if it felt necessary-
If someone threatened me,and i felt unsafe- I'd do what I had to till i felt safe again. I'd trust myself to protect myself.
So i try to teach my kids the same- there's no difference.
BTW,it makes me physically ill to hear of teachers who allow one kid to harm another,and do NOTHING. Then if the child defends,suddenly they're right there paying attention.
Where in the grownup world is this allowed to exist? How many of us in our grownup lives fear for our personal safety?
OP was completely justified in not wanting rude kids to shove or push her kid. On the issue of bossing b/c of a rule breach..well... kids speak what they know- and while I personally don't care if a kid has shoes on, they are the rules and the other kids were being pushy,but not bullying....
My kid is 14,yes,14,and some dumb parent thought it was cute to let their little girls physically attack him at the park one day- they were throwing themselves at him, grabbing him around the waist,and chasing him and hitting- he of course did his best to just keep away,as he didn't want to clobber the little monsters...(headline,teen attacks little girls ) when I found him,he was sitting on top of the monkey bars to avoid them,while they threw themselves at his feet trying to drag him down. I knew they couldn't hurt him, but WTH???
What sane parent allows their little girl to grab at a strange teenage boys waist? When I LOUDLY said "IS THERE A PROBLEM?" suddenly the other mom had to go home right away....
I reminded ds he should have gone directly to the (stupid) parent,and explained to her that her girls were over the line,and ask them to get their grimy paws off...... I think he was so surprised, he couldn't process it....
It's usually the parents who need a good shaking up.....

 

[belle&beast]

DD2 is extremely speech delayed, meaning she can make sounds but no words yet. She is also only in the 10th percentile size-wise. Daycare teachers tell me the other kids pick on her, push her down, and even had her cornered one day. She has come home 5 times in the last 3 weeks with severe bite marks. The daycare teachers have been "unable" to stop this from happening (don't worry--I am looking into other daycares).

This breaks my heart! I am a speech pathologist and I work with preschoolers in a public school setting. I hope you have a good therapist- send me a PM if you need any information.

 

[cheyennemama]

My DD5 is also a super-nice/good kid. It's frustrating! LOL She doesn't stand up for herself and because of that her kindergarten year has been difficult. She gets walked on IMO. There's kids that have mouths and know the nasty words and she gets a hard time sometimes. I have to have talks with her on a regular basis about standing up for herself and what to do what XYZ happens. We talk about her day and she'll say that "Kelly" was mean and usually it's not "mean" exactly but that's how she interprets it. We verbally work through what's happened and I can only hope she makes better decisions the next time. One good point to make with your DD is that she can talk to her teacher if this happens at school. I don't want to make her into a tattle but she has to understand that she does have various methods of confronting the problem and when it gets out of her control, she can talk with her teacher.

 

[belle&beast]

My DD5 used to get pushed around a lot, too. But she has really come out of her shell and will tell other kids what they are doing is wrong. DH and I have never encouraged her to be physical with other kids, although many times we would have liked to have seen her take somebody out. I'm not sure what has happened, but as she has gotten older, she is very assertive and we are happy to see it. Plus she stands up for her little brother who has no trouble telling anybody what to do!

 

[livndisney]

Bravo to the mom who stands at the bottom of the slide WATCHING your child. Good job! If more parents actually PARENTED their children and corrected their bad behaviors our children would not need to "stand up for themselves" as often.