Helping your child stand up for his/herself

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

The thread about kids not behaving or being disrespectful and being fortunate enough to have kids who DO behave reminded me that I wanted to post this thread for your opinions.

My dd5 is always very considerate when she plays with other children. She will wait her turn, play nicely, share, and make friends with other children who are friendly. It seems like lately though everytime we go to a park or playground, kids are bulllying her. Here are a few examples:

At the zoo, in a play area, she waited in line to go down the slide. I was waiting for her at the bottom. I have taught her not to go down the slide until the child ahead of her has reached the bottom or nearly so. So, as she was waiting for the kid to slide down, the kid behind her was screaming at her, "Go, go! Move it!" She came down the slide frowning, upset by this. I was telling her that some kids just aren't polite (basically, shrug it off, some kids are rude), and then the kid shoved right past her, nearly knocking her down, as he ran to get back in line. I was very mad (my mother protective instincts kicking in) and said loudly, hoping the parents of this child would hear, "Excuse you!" (And something to the effect of how he was rude or mean.)

At a McDonald's playland, I told my dd to leave her sandals on b/c we didn't have any socks. Yes, we broke the rules there. Sorry. Kids kept repeatedly climbing up the slide, so she couldn't go down. Then, another kid told her she could not go down the slide b/c she had sandals on. Now, this kid didn't have shoes on, but they were barefoot (so breaking the rules too). My dd was upset again. I just told her that some kids are mean, and I'm not their parent, so I can't tell them what to do. I said just to tell them, "You're not my Mom." (Or something like that.)

At another playground, a different little boy was yelling at her to go down the slide as she was trying to go down (she is not a slow mover if you're wondering). Then everytime she would go back around to go up the slide, he would race across the playset to try to beat her to it (to the point where she would hide so he couldn't see her).

While playing with a cousin this past weekend that we don't normally see, who lives far away, the other girl was screaming at the top of her lungs at her when she didn't like something my dd did and refusing to let her play with her and the other childen.

Now, my DH tells my dd to hit kids (jokingly), but I tell her, no, that would make things worse, and I am proud of her for being a nice girl who gets along and behaves. I don't know how to tell her to stick up for herself though. She is sensitive and these things upset her (not to the point of tears), but I don't want to make a big deal out of it when these things happen. What could she say or do when kids act like this?

Thanks for the tips!

 

[stefplus3]

We've been having this same problem with our ds, who's 8. He'll play outside with the 2 boys next door and they have zero respect for anyone (including their parents, you would DIE if you could hear him talk to them) and I'll overhear them talking to DS in a not nice way and we've told him not to let kids be mean to him but he's so nice he won't say anything. He said he dosen't want to hurt their feelings by telling them how to speak to him. We're started telling DS he can't play outside with them if we hear them being mean and him not standing up for himself. It's gotten a tad better with that approach.

 

[HannaBelle]

Can my children come and play with yours? I totally agree with the slide thing!

We have encountered the exact same issues and it is a hard for our children to understand that some kids do not follow the rules. I am interested in what other parents have to say...

My DS had a bully at his pre-school that would take his toys, push him and basically intimidate him. My Dh and I talked to our son and encouraged him to let the teacher know what was happening, leave that center when the other boy came, tell him "no" in a loud voice and/or to try playing near the teacher. Well, after a week or two of my son's avoidance techniques there was no change. IMHO, the teacher should have dealt with this but...no.

I then explained to my son that he was going to have to push the other little boy down onto his butt every time he tried to take his toys or hurt him. My DS understood that he would get in trouble and go to time out, but if he did not stand up for himself that the other little boy was not going to stop bullying him.

The next morning I met with DS teacher and let her know the plan. (She was not happy! ) Our DS pushed this kid down 2 or 3 times and it was no longer an issue... You have to teach your kids to stand up for themselves without becoming part of the problem. It is a thin line to navigate.

Too often in our society, kindness is mistake for weakness.

My DS is now 14 and starting HS in the fall. I hope I have taught him when to stand his ground and when to let it slide. I think that is key.

 

[SnowWhite12]

DD2 is extremely speech delayed, meaning she can make sounds but no words yet. She is also only in the 10th percentile size-wise. Daycare teachers tell me the other kids pick on her, push her down, and even had her cornered one day. She has come home 5 times in the last 3 weeks with severe bite marks. The daycare teachers have been "unable" to stop this from happening (don't worry--I am looking into other daycares). But in the meantime, people may think I am horrible for what I tell DD to do. I am a school social worker, and I constantly keep on the kids in schools about using their words as defense and to tell the teacher when someone hurts them. But DD cannot do this. Therefore, I tell her (even said it in front of the teacher and daycare director) "next time someone bites you, you hit or push them." It kills me to tell her this because I teach her it is not right to hit. But I just don't know any other way to teach her defense.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I know exactly how you feel. My ds used to let everyone take his toys etc. It was heartbreaking to watch this. Now he is so charismatic and makes friends so easily. He is the kid on the playground who would tell the bullies to leave your kid alone. At 3 years old their were some older kids (around 7) running around screaming in the faces of the younger ones and scaring them. They tried that with my ds and he just looked at them and told them to cut it out. He said it in a very serious I mean business type of voice. Needlesss to say the kids stopped and we were very proud of him. He is very concerned with right and wrong and doesn't like to see anyone upset. He's a good kid. That doesn't mean that we haven't run into our fair share of bratty kids. I hate to blame the kids because it's usually the parents who are idiots. These are the parents who have Starbucks and a newspaper and sit on a bench at the park not watching their kids. One kid was making fun of my son because he was drinking form a Cinderella cup. That was all I had left on me. So my son yelled at the kid after trying to talk to him and explain that it was his sister's cup. Well grandma decided to get her lazy butt up and needed to take her grandkid home but she was clearly annoyed at my son. Well, if you were watching your kid be rude he wouldn't have gotten yelled at. Of course DS and I had a talk that there is nothing wrong with a Cinderella cup for boys etc. and he agreed that the other boy was being mean. So what I'm getting at is that some kids grow into standing up for themselves. We tell our kids they can give somebody three chances (flame away). The first time tell them to stop that you don't like what they are doing (hitting, grabbing etc.) the second time tell an adult, the third time knock them down. This seems to work for us. DH and I both agreed on this. I know it is hard also but sometimes you have to step back and let her problem solve on her own. It is so hard to do this but it's good to watch what she would do if you weren't there. I try to do this (unless of course someone will get hurt) and it helps me give my kids pointers on what to do the next time someone does whatever. I do step in sometimes when the other kid is continually rude etc. and tell them that they are not being nice and we don't want to play etc. Good luck as I know how it feels as a Mom.

 

[Stephres]

It almost always the parents' fault when the kids behave like that in public places. My newly turned five year old used to cry when kids were mean to her but I have tried to explain the rules, which are work it out yourself unless you are really hurt and then tell an adult. If she can't work it out we will have to leave. We also talk about ways to work it out at home when it's not stressful. She knows to ignore the kid and try to find a nice little girl to play with. This strategy works most of the time. Good luck!

 

[Hannathy]

At the zoo, in a play area, she waited in line to go down the slide. I was waiting for her at the bottom.

I read this line and I was wondering why you were waiting at the bottom for a 5 yr old? My tip would be to back off and let her start standing up for herself. If you aren't watching she'll either get tired of them pushing past and hold her ground or decide it isn't worth it. I also told mine you don't have to let them go just say I was here first and after a few times they would get much more bold. I don't get in the middle of kid things unless there is physical violence ie. biting or really hitting. It sounds like she really isn't used to solving anything herself and comes and tells you. Give her some independence, she will never learn to stand up for herself without a chance to try it.

PS. I would complain about you with shoes on in the play area also, shoes can hurt which is the reason they want barefeet, the socks are just for hygiene. It is safety for the no shoes, she should have went barefoot, actually our McD's sells socks if you forget.

 

[Tikicampers]

My son is small for his age, so I worry about this a lot. I can't believe the preschool that did nothing about the biting. At ours if your kid bites more than twice, he/she is out.
As for telling your child to tell the teacher, for some reason many kids have a hard time doing that. They feel it will be tattling. I would reccomed talking to the teacher yourself. Please do it in a nice way. Bullies are sneaky. She may truly not be seeing what's going on (or she may have an idea, but no proof). You need to get the teacher to tell your child that it is ok to come and tell when someone is being mean.
As for how to tell your child how to deal with bullies, I would never urge DS to hit or push a bully. That would only cause the situation to escalate. Plus if DS hit at school, even in self-defense he would be punished. I would encourage him to tell the child to leave him alone, and if that didn't work to walk away. Bullies also look for kids on their own. It's easier than going after a kid in a group. Help your child find buddies on the playground. This has worked well for DS. If your child is in school, find out names of kids he/she likes and get together. My school did a training on bullies, and that was the number one thing mentioned. That bullies go for the kid on his/her own.

 

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

I read this line and I was wondering why you were waiting at the bottom for a 5 yr old? My tip would be to back off and let her start standing up for herself. If you aren't watching she'll either get tired of them pushing past and hold her ground or decide it isn't worth it. I also told mine you don't have to let them go just say I was here first and after a few times they would get much more bold. I don't get in the middle of kid things unless there is physical violence ie. biting or really hitting. It sounds like she really isn't used to solving anything herself and comes and tells you. Give her some independence, she will never learn to stand up for herself without a chance to try it.

PS. I would complain about you with shoes on in the play area also, shoes can hurt which is the reason they want barefeet, the socks are just for hygiene. It is safety for the no shoes, she should have went barefoot, actually our McD's sells socks if you forget.

I just knew someone would jump all over these two points. I was waiting for her at the bottom at the zoo only b/c it was crowded there and I did not want her to get lost. Gee, I'm such a hovering mom (note the sarcasm). I don't follow her around every other playground. She's independent. And I obviously am trying to let her work these things out herself. She expects me to protect her, and I am trying to find solutions for her to stick up for herself, as the title of the thread suggests.

As for the McDonald's thing, I said, yes, we broke the rules. I don't agree that she should of went barefoot. I refuse to buy socks. What's the big deal with the shoes on an indoor playground? Kids wear them on outdoor playgrounds. I was more concerned with her picking up stuff on her feet.

Anyway, to the rest of you who have actually offered advice and understanding, thank you! I appreciate it immensely!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

As for the McDonald's thing, I said, yes, we broke the rules. I don't agree that she should of went barefoot. I refuse to buy socks. What's the big deal with the shoes on an indoor playground? Kids wear them on outdoor playgrounds. I was more concerned with her picking up stuff on her feet.

While I understand what you are saying, the rules are the rules. It doesn't matter if you agree with them. I have to tell you that my kids would have told your kids they were breaking the rules also. You can't pick and chose what rules you want to follow and be annoyed when others who are following the rules are annoyed by it. In this instance you were wrong and should have bought her some socks or told her she couldn't play there since you didn't have any with you. Not flaming but you can't have it both ways. JMHO.

 

[Sabrina90744]

I am soo feeling your pain. My kids DS 9 and DD 7 have really been struggling. This school has been really terrible. They have been bullied and made fun of beyond belief and this is at a parochial school. I really dont know what to do anymore. I teach my kids to be respectful and follow rules and to always treat others how you want to be treated but it is so hard to keep myself from telling them to beat the lil buggers up. I know one good punch and those kids will know they cant mess with them anymore. Thank God the school year is almost over. Good luck with your daughter.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Although I'm just starting to get into all this with my daughter who is 3.5/4, my thoughts are teaching your child to be polite, have manners, and be thoughtful of others (irregardless of how others are behaving) is much more important. Its a fact of life, they are going to run into rude, pushy, unthoughtful people...whether they are 5 or 45..

The key is having them recognize bad behavior! Responses such as "I don't like that, please don't push me. " "Excuse me, Its my turn." "I was playing with that toy, would you like a turn when I'm done? "

If they actually have to push someone down, bite someone back to get them to stop, it has gone too far without adult intervention. Teaching a child to bite, hit, push, is so very wrong..I don't care what environment they are in. If its at school, teachers need to be involved..If its the playground, then I would remove my child.

 

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

While I understand what you are saying, the rules are the rules. It doesn't matter if you agree with them. I have to tell you that my kids would have told your kids they were breaking the rules also. You can't pick and chose what rules you want to follow and be annoyed when others who are following the rules are annoyed by it. In this instance you were wrong and should have bought her some socks or told her she couldn't play there since you didn't have any with you. Not flaming but you can't have it both ways. JMHO.

The child was not following the rules either (not that it makes them okay to break them). And since I do believe in rules, I will keep some socks in the car for future playland visits. I was annoyed that the child was bossing my daughter over the rules and they weren't following the rules either. It really wasn't her place to ban my dd from the slide, esp. when she was barefoot herself. This isn't really the point of my thread though. The issue was about her learning to stand up for herself. I do agree we should follow the rules at the playland, and we will in the future. That was just the decision I made at the time, realizing we were in sandals. The world may end w/o those socks...

 

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

Although I'm just starting to get into all this with my daughter who is 3.5/4, my thoughts are teaching your child to be polite, have manners, and be thoughtful of others (irregardless of how others are behaving) is much more important. Its a fact of life, they are going to run into rude, pushy, unthoughtful people...whether they are 5 or 45..

The key is having them recognize bad behavior! Responses such as "I don't like that, please don't push me. " "Excuse me, Its my turn." "I was playing with that toy, would you like a turn when I'm done? "

If they actually have to push someone down, bite someone back to get them to stop, it has gone too far without adult intervention. Teaching a child to bite, hit, push, is so very wrong..I don't care what environment they are in. If its at school, teachers need to be involved..If its the playground, then I would remove my child.

I have to agree with this. I don't want my child to start hitting or biting or pushing b/c I'm proud of her good behavior. Sometimes I'm so flabbergasted by how a mean child is acting, I can't think of what to tell her to do. I think I will start telling her to assertively say things like that. I just want her to know I'm on her side, but that she can handle things herself. It's my job to teach her how to take care of herself.

 

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

I am soo feeling your pain. My kids DS 9 and DD 7 have really been struggling. This school has been really terrible. They have been bullied and made fun of beyond belief and this is at a parochial school. I really dont know what to do anymore. I teach my kids to be respectful and follow rules and to always treat others how you want to be treated but it is so hard to keep myself from telling them to beat the lil buggers up. I know one good punch and those kids will know they cant mess with them anymore. Thank God the school year is almost over. Good luck with your daughter.

That's how my DH feels about stuff - one good punch will show em, but I'm nervous about my dd becoming aggressive or the issue escalating or someone turning around and pressing charges. I feel safer if we find another way. It would be so much easier if all parents cared about their kids behavior and didn't just look away.

 

[Luv'sTink]

Your damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is no one thing that will work for everyone.

DS tells other kids when they are cheating or being unfair but because of the type of kids they are, they don't care. Their parents don't care, so I don't know if there really is an answer unless your child becomes the "bully" Which I am sure you do not want.

 

[Princess Roo]

Ironically, the worst problem we've had with this was at Disney a few weeks ago in the play areas at Epcot! We were at the toddler play area that was part of the F&G festival and some parents were letting there way-too-old kids play and others were letting their 1-year-olds play unsupervised. Lots of pushing, kids shoving past DS to go down the slide, me literally catching a little child who could barely walk who would have fallen ~3 feet to the ground, etc. So frustrating!

I do not think it is OK to tell a child to push/hit in the circumstance given by the OP. If the situation is worse than something the child can handle verbally, then an adult (me or a teacher at school) should step in. If the teacher isn't stepping in, the problem needs to be escalated to their supervisor. I firmly feel that the only time it is OK for a child to hit back is in true self-defense of their safety.

 

[mmeads4]

Hi- a note to the OP, please tell and help your child to stand up for herself. Growing up, my mom and dad taught me how to play and be respectful to others. Although, I made it through a happy childhood, I had my run in with a few bullys. the answer was to avoid them rather than stand up Then when I was about 10 or 11, my friend and I was playing in front of my house, her older brother and his friend came over and pushed us around. I shouted at them to leave us alone (and I meant it), they backed off, but one of the boys tripped on his shoe lace and fell, broke out his front teeth and his parents threatened to sue my parents, my parents without discussing it with me- although I had told them, as well as, my friend did what had happened; they made me go apoligize to that boy for pushing him (which I did not) and my parents paid a small amount of money to the family for the boys dental bills.

Long story short, this has hunted me most of my life- my parents are aware and have apoligized for this. But becuase I never learned how to stand up for myself, I ended up in an abusive relationship, I would let people take advantage of me because I was so nice. I am now out of the abuse and I fight everyday. I am still a very nice person and would do anything I could to help someone out but I am much more cautious and i ALWAYS stand up for myself. I have a DD,5 and a DS,3 I watch their play very carefully- i watch how they respond to the bullies and make sure they arn't bulling another child. I tell them to shout out if someone is bothering them- "NO!" "Leave me alone!" "STOP pushing!" and if the verbal warning isn't enough then like another post stated fight back, but let the child know that this is ONLY acceptable when the verbal warning doesn't work.
I'm not saying your child will turn out like me- but we must teach our children to use their voice and their minds. I promise, if someone is bothering you and you tell them NO! like you mean it, they are morelikely to back off then if you say meakly, "no".
Good Luck

 

[txmomto1]

Although I'm just starting to get into all this with my daughter who is 3.5/4, my thoughts are teaching your child to be polite, have manners, and be thoughtful of others (irregardless of how others are behaving) is much more important. Its a fact of life, they are going to run into rude, pushy, unthoughtful people...whether they are 5 or 45..

The key is having them recognize bad behavior! Responses such as "I don't like that, please don't push me. " "Excuse me, Its my turn." "I was playing with that toy, would you like a turn when I'm done? "

If they actually have to push someone down, bite someone back to get them to stop, it has gone too far without adult intervention. Teaching a child to bite, hit, push, is so very wrong..I don't care what environment they are in. If its at school, teachers need to be involved..If its the playground, then I would remove my child.

I totally agree with this. All you can do is teach her how you expect her to behave. Teacher her to ignore the negative, and to learn to walk away. All these "bullies" are looking for is a reaction. You give her the tools. Teacher her to be respectful, and to ignore it. Even if you say, "you are not my mother", it gives them too much time. Tell her to walk away, or let them go past on the slide, it's not worth the time.

You can't get involved for minor playground squables. She's just got to learn to deal with idiots.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I totally agree with this. All you can do is teach her how you expect her to behave. Teacher her to ignore the negative, and to learn to walk away. All these "bullies" are looking for is a reaction. You give her the tools. Teacher her to be respectful, and to ignore it. Even if you say, "you are not my mother", it gives them too much time. Tell her to walk away, or let them go past on the slide, it's not worth the time.

You can't get involved for minor playground squables. She's just got to learn to deal with idiots.

I disagree with you. I do teach my children that some kids are rude but just walking away does not always work. I was bullied and I always walked away. One time I got jumped by a bunch of girls and I was just walking down the street with my girlfriend minding my own business. They thought I was somebody else and I did walk away from them for quite a bit when they started taunting me. They then decided that wasn't enough fun and 3 of them jumped me. Thankfully an off duty PO saw the whole thing and the girls got pulled into the police station but I wish I just punched them in the face. I will never tell my kids to just ignore them because it does not work. Even in school it just got worse if you ignored them. The one time I stood up for myself and actually challenged the bully she backed down. Ignoring a bully never works I don't care what you say. JMHO.