Help with son - school issue

[connorlevismom]

My son will be 6 next month and started Kindgergarten this year. He is a really smart kid but is very reluctant to try anything for fear of not knowing how to do it. For example, someone will ask him to do something (write a letter) and sometimes he does it just fine and other times, he acts totally unbearable. He will hold his pencil all floppy and say he can't do it even though you know he can. Or if it is something really new he will refuse to try it and just say he cannot do it and throw a fit.

Has anyone had experience with this before? I am at my wits end about it. I have talked to the teacher about it and she really had no advice about it. Now he qualified for extra reading help even though he does not need it, because he refused to do what the person testing him was asking. His teacher even admitted to me that had he just done what she asked him to do, he would not have qualified because she knows he knows what they are asking. But since he refused and said he did not know, they want him to go to this extra reading class. I am so confused and don't know how to explain to him that he does not have the choice when being tested. I am afraid that this will just get worse and he will do horrible in school even though he is really bright.

Hopefully someone can shed some light for me.

Kristine

 

[Rylee]

Hi,

Sounds like a "control" issue.

I don't really have any advice, other than, perhaps you shouldn't push the reading/writing thing right now. He's only 5, there's plenty of time.

Were you present during the testing? Some children behave differently (better or worse) when their parent is around.

Maybe it would help if you point out instances of when he does and doesn't have choices. He has a choice...what color shirt he wears, what game he would like to play, what movie he wants to watch, etc., He doesn't have a choice... brushing teeth, no hitting, bedtime, etc.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What are the consequences that you give him if he doesn't do what is asked of him?

 

[twinmom319]

oh, I'd be careful about talking about consequences for something like this. Many children have this internal learning style - where if they are unsure or worried about something they won't perform. I would just talk with him and encourage him to not be nervous and remind him that the teacher is there to help him. one of my twins is like this, she will act like she can't do anything and then one day she will do it perfectly. As long as the teacher is aware and will work on it with you, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Trying to force him to do something or punishing him will backfire without question. Take a deep breath - it's only kindergarten.

 

[dizneechic]

Something my dd's preschool teacher does and we've adapted at home is told them its OK to make mistake, everyone does. Little kids, big kids, adults, we learn by trying, and sometimes we surprise ourselves. But if we don't try we'll never know what our potential is or if we like something or not. Try not to make it about control at this point, because kids can be stubborn (heck adults can too) and once they get it in their heads they don't want to, you won't make progress and you'll end up in a battle of wills with a 6 y/o!

I have a slightly diff scenario with my 6 y/o and we've tried for 2 years to find something that worked. What we ended up doing is every day he has a good day in school the teacher sends home a sticky note letting us know. When we started those notes were like cash, we'd have something he was trying to earn and he had to earn 3 notes home in a row in order to get his prize. This took him 2 months to earn that 1st goodie (tech deck board), but once he *got it* he realized he had a good thing going. That very soon after transitioned into 5 days in a row you got to pick family dinner, which is now just high fives for a job well done. He gets upset at himself now when he doesn't get that note and just simple reinforcement had completely transitioned his behavior in school.

 

[KateMW]

My daughter who is 5.5 and in K this year is similar. She is a bit of a perfectionist and hates to try new things/letters/sounds, etc. if she's not sure she can do it 100%. We just work with her about doing and trying her best and make a really big deal about it when she does. Her teachers do the same and work with her after school once a week about being more secure in her choices, etc. We just make sure she knows that she can always try again and that trying your hardest is the most important thing. But, it can't hurt to get an extra reading class either, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

 

[v.t.]

A lot of children do this, try not to worry (easier said than done). I spend a lot of time in the schools and kindergarten kids are so unpredictable, especially if the kids did not attend a pre-school or daycare. A lot of the kids take a follow the leader kind of attitude. If the one before them makes a mistake or takes too long, they will be scared or nervous when their turn comes. It could be something as simple as that.
You know your child's personality better than anyone else. While it is probably a control issue, it might be something else. It could be a lack of confidence. Playing educational games is a great way to increase confidence. Race with him, who can write a letter the fastest, biggest, etc. If you think he is worried about failing then you can talk about how everyone makes mistakes, we learn from them and move on... no big deal. You can "make" some mistakes at home, say "oh no, well at least I tried". But if it is a control issue, (my youngest DS) then you have a smart kid. If he is smart enough to know how to control the situation then he is also smart enough to what behaviors are unacceptable, especially at school.
As far as the additional reading I would go ahead and let him attend. You can never read too much. If he does not need it, gets bored and doesn't want to attend then you can explain that he is attending because he would not take the test. I bet he will be more than happy to show how smart he is then.
But like most have said, it is just kindergarten and something I would not start worrying about until next year. Good luck!

 

[clutter]

Remind him of some of the the things he's learned through practice. Walking, riding a bike, maybe some sports, reading, DS games (?), etc. Use both fun and practical things. Then go through the things he done well without having to learn. Um, other than breathing and nursing...? The point it to remind him that even though he may feel reluctant to try anything he doesn't think he can master, he's already done it a million times with great success!

 

[MickeyMom2Boys]

Thank you for this post! Now I know it's not just my kid!

My son is 6 and in Kindergarten. The teacher recently starting giving homework assignments that required writing and turning the paper in (previous assignments were do at home activities - nothing to turn in). So he has to write 2 sentences about what happened at the end of his book. I sit down with him, thinking I'm doing a good thing, and have him write the title of the book and the first sentence. It was like pulling teeth! Lots of wrong letters, that I know he can write, lots of "how do I spell" on things I know he can spell. We sat there for at least 30 minutes. The title and 1st sentence were done and I was losing my patience so I walked away and told him to do the last one on his own. THE LAST SENTENCE WAS PERFECT!! He wrote the whole sentence in a couple of minutes. It was very neat, letters were right. word spacing was right, letters on the line like they are supposed to be. I didn't know wheter to laugh or cry

I learned a few things during that assignment. 1 - I'm learning about his learning style. For whatever reason, he works better on his own. 2 - I think I was being too hard on him. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just needs to be done and he needs to learn from the experience. 3 - We need to find a solution that works for us and builds his confidence. Fighting over the homework is just going to crush his confidence and make him hate school/homework.

His next assignment is on Thursday. We're going to take a much different approach this time! Good luck with your son. My only advise is to figure out what works for him and find a way to build his confidence. You'll figure it out!

 

[Poohbug]

Take a deep breath. This seems to be very common. Sometimes it is hard for us to figure out what their little minds are thinking. My middle son(6) is in first grade and he will do this also. They are still learning how things work and he has improved greatly since he started school. The extra reading class will not hurt him, right.

My DS will say he can't read or write things, but leave him alone and he will read and write just fine. He actually writes better than my DH. It is kind of like a little rebellion which makes me a little leary of those teen year coming up. Also kids can act totally different in school compared to how they act at home.

Give him some time and try not to stress about it.

 

[AnnMarie3]

We are going through the same thing with dd who will be 6 next month and is in kindergarten. She gets unsure of herself when she is being quizzed or tested and she just shuts down. If she feels anxious about not knowing the right answer or right way of doing something, she is afaid of making a mistake.
She did not have this until she started kindergarten. she loved preschool and did very well . She has a very strict teacher that she has not really warmed to, and I think this has something to do with it. She does not like school at all this year.

 

[bookgirl]

Neither of my nephews will "perform" on command, one because he has issues of being perfect or right and one because he doesn't care and he has about a dozen other things he'd rather be thinking about. They both ended up in "reading" classes when they were 6 and my brother and exSIL freaked, I told them that the boys could read just fine I'd heard them, but a little extra instruction never hurt anyone. Sure enough it resolved itself and 4 years later it's the same thing. They hate to "perform" on command, oh don't we just love standardized testing time LOL. It's just thier personalitly. But they've totally figured out that it's easier to just do it then not.

Let your son have a little extra time or help. Let him succeed in the class and build confidence in performing on command.

 

[PixiePlanner]

We have had this issue.

I told a story to my children about when I was in school and sang in a choir. When we would be learning new music, my director wanted us to sing it with confidence. "Sing it loud," he would say, "or else I can't hear your mistakes. If I can't hear your mistakes, how can I teach you?"

I also broke it down even more by asking, "What color is the sky?" Of course, they both said blue. I replied, "What if you really thought it was green but never said anything? How would I know to teach you that it was blue?"

Good luck.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I also agree that it's a control issue. He probably doesn't like being told what to do and when to do it. When he's encouraged and begged and cajoled to do something, he's getting attention for it which is exactly what he's after. I would stop giving the behavior attention. You can't control how he does when tested. Hopefully, if you stop dwelling on it, he'll decide it doesn't give him what he wants and he'll stop that behavior and move on. As another poster said, it is only kindergarten. If he qualified for extra reading help, let him have it. It will probably become apparent that he doesn't need extra help and it will be dropped. For now, it's not a bad thing and doesn't stigmatize him if he gets extra help.

 

[ckrum]

Every year I have a child like this in my kindergarten class. Remember that your child is still developing socially and emotionally. Being in a classroom with many children and a lot of expectations can be very daunting to some children. You shouldn't worry to much about this right now. I would go ahead and let him get the extra reading help. Working in a small group or 1-on-1 is a great way to help boost a child's confidence at school. It is not going to hurt him and will probably help him to be more relaxed and comfortable at school. I tell parents that some kids just aren't "brave readers and writers" and that they need time to develop. Continue working with him at home and praising his accomplishments. Break the tasks into smaller/simpler tasks so he isn't overwhelmed. As long as he is learning, I wouldn't be too worried. If he doesn't show any change by the end of the year, I would talk to the teacher and principal and get some more ideas. Good luck.

 

[joandegennaro]

My DD shut down when she entered kindergarten. She was doing math at home and reading beginner books well before school started. I am a preschool teacher so I had the resources at home. She also wanted to "do homework" like her older sister so I had to give her something to do while I helped other child with homework. Once she entered school she shut completly down. All it took was one comment from the teacher (I know some fantastic teachers but this one wasn't one of them) She was completly afraid to make mistakes. I will never forget her telling me that "I give you all my bad because I have to give Miss. ??? all my good" Have a talk with your child, explain how everyone makes mistakes ect. I always tell my kids that I expect their best effort....whatever that may be. You know you child best.

When DD was in grade 1 I did volunteer work in the classroom. Since I had experience with remedial reading this is where the teacher used me. I took the kids to a quiet space one on one and gave them a chance to practice reading. It was interesting to me how those children labeled as remedial readers improved once they were used to me. I even had kids who had known me for a few years read to me at grade level right from the start. It was often a factor of being comfortable with the person you are reading to. You may find that your child improves quickly once he/she is used to the person that is working on his reading with him/her.

 

[WildGrits]

I really wouldn't sweat it. I know that's hard to do.

He's just a little guy.

Just go with the flow. All these skills will come.

I remember when mine where little and some of my friends were so big on making sure you knew how well their younguns could write their ABC's or read on their own. In the big scheme of thing who really cares. We all learn at our own pace. You can't force that to change without pulling your hair out. And if he ends up needing a little help, well so be it.

Eight years after K, I have one who is in Honors class and always found school to be pretty easy and another who started school never even holding a crayon (high functioning Autism) who is now winning contest for her Original Characters.