Help with parents

[SoccerDogWithEars]

My life is really screwed up right now. Ever since I turned 14, my dad and I just don't get along. He thinks I'm still his little girl and I want to have my own life. A week ago, we got into a big fight because even though I wasn't going to be playing in the soccer game (I sprained my ankle, he's the coach) he thought I should wear my jersey. I told him he didn't give me enough time to grab it, being that he walked upstairs and said let's go. We basically just blew up at each other in the car. He left a couple of days later to go my grandparent's house in Winston-Salem, about 2 hours away. This whole week my mom and I have been really enjoying each other's company, since we both have basically the same ideas on everything. We both agreed that my dad was being a complete ________. Last night he came back, and my mom has been trying to mend relationships. However, my dad looked at my bookbag and noticed that a CD of pictures he wanted me to take to school had been left at home, blew up, and left again. My mom then stormed upstairs and into my bedroom and screamed at me for not caring. She wouldn't listen when I told her I completely forgot and never noticed it because I am usually so rushed in the morning. She then said that she was done trying to fix everything because I had *ed it up so bad. Again, I tried to explain that I had forgotten, and never noticed it because I've been so busy. She just screamed some more and then started crying hysterically. Right now though I feel like I don't care because she tries to make it sound like I intentionally try to P.O. my dad. She completely forgot the fact that I turned down going to an exhibit at the Science museum I had been looking foward to with my friend, just so dad wouldn't feel like I was deserting him, and so I could help mend patches. But when I just wake up and she blows up at me, it hurts, and hurts a lot. Help please?

 

[carolfoy]

You poor girl, I do feel for you, whoever said being a teen was the best years of your life??? too much going on physically and emotionally to try and get some sense going! I can only imagine your dad is feeling threatened by the fact you're no longer his 'little girl' and he can't deal with it. Please be patient I can't offer any more advice but it will get better.

 

[DVC Jen]

It sounds like there is more going on than the few little things you mentioned.

My gut feeling is that there are some issues with your parents that have to do with THEM and not you. I know this is nearly impossible to do, but try to not take everything to heart. Hopefully your parents will get thier own issues fixed and soon.

 

[AllyandJack]

I had an equally volatile relationship with my parents. I'm an only child. My parents didn't get along with each other and couldn't get along with me either. If my mother and father argued, my father wouldn't talk to me - as if me and my mother were the same person. My father blew up at EVERYTHING. He once didn't talk to me for 3 weeks because I wouldn't go to the St. Patrick's Day Parade with him. I was 9.

Another time, they came home from somewhere and had a big fight. I heard all this commotion downstairs and went to the top of the stairs. They were standing at the door, looked up at me and told me to decide which one stayed and which one left. I was 11. I told them both to go.

We pretty much got into this pattern of avoiding each other. Once I could fend for myself (cook my own meals, get myself places, etc), we barely saw each other except in passing through the hallways of the house. We barely talked. Thankfully, I had my Nana living with us, so I had her. She agreed. My father acted like a crazy person and my mother simply didn't care about the situation and took off on her own.

When I went off to college, it was amazing. No more yelling! I didn't care if they fought. I called every now and then. They visited every now and then. I only lived 20 minutes from my college (I lived in East Boston and went to Boston University), but my scholarship required me to live on campus and I didn't complain! After college, I had to move back home while I was in law school. Again, we were back into the pattern of just not talking.

When I got engaged, I asked my mother to come with me to look at dresses. She said she couldn't....she was getting her hair cut. I got upset. I went to my room, locked the door and cried. Quietly. My Nana told my mother my door was locked (she was concerned). When my father got home, my mother told him I locked my door. He came banging on the door and, when I opened it, he started screaming at me and told me to get out. So, I did. DH took me to a hotel and I stayed there for 2 days. I eventually went home.

The day I was moving out for good, after I bought my own home with DH, we had our final fight. I remember standing there while my father yelled at me for something lame (can't even remember what). I looked at the key to MY house in my hand and said, "Shut up. I don't live here anymore and you will NEVER talk to me that way ever again!" I got in my car and drove off.

Now....my relationship with my dad is GREAT. We talk all the time on the phone. I'm really happy with where our relationship is now. My mother....ironically, THAT relationship got a little worse. We're really good friends, but not mother-daughter. We go out for drinks often. However, she calls me to complain about my dad - still trying to stick me in the middle or not realizing that her husband is my father.

I'm not sure what advice to give....other than study hard in school and, in a few years, you can head off to college and start your life. I know it stinks now because you're really trapped. I know that feeling. It's not forever. I know it's hard to think THAT far ahead, but someday you will be on your own and the interaction you have with your parents will be on your own terms. If they overstep their bounds (which my father has done....especially with his "you know that costs money" speeches.....he can't comprehend that I make more in a week than he made in a month), you end the conversation. Be nice...they are your parents, afterall, but when you're out on your own, you can say, "Dad, if you don't stop yelling at me, I am going to hang up until you can talk to me properly."

I have been there and I know the feeling of wanting to just crawl out of your skin to escape. I wish you lots of luck for the future.

 

[SoccerDogWithEars]

That's the thing. I'm an only child too, but I don't think there are problems between my parents. They don't scream at each other or fight, mostly my dad just storms out. And it's not like he moves out, he just goes and helps his mom with her house. It was just that this morning when my mom tried to pin it all on me, I couldn't take it. And the worst thing is I have no place to go. Our house is small, so it's relatively hard to avoid them, except for staying in my room all day, which I don't want to do. I can't drive, so even if I did have somewhere, I'd have to walk. The only logical choices are my neighbors (yeah, right) and my best friend's, but she lives off of a major road that I'm not going to walk down, and I don't think her parents would appreciate me just showing up at their door. I just want to get out.

 

[vettechick99]

Sounds like you all need a heart-to-heart discussion. It would say a lot of your maturity is you asked to all sit down and express feelings, with everyone listening without interruption; no attacks and no judging. Sometimes I fight with DH because we don't communicate well.

Anger is a manifestation of fear, so find out why he's so fearful. Good luck to you!

 

[Lil_Tink]

I am so sorry... I am 14 too..My parents dont fight luckily.

Try swimming, running down the street really fast, writing peotry. Just something to let all the emotions out. Coloring on a huge peice of poster paper, write a nasty note then rip it up and through it away...

All those will help wit the stress.

 

[SoccerDogWithEars]

Running and swimming are out of the question, I am getting over a sprained ankle. Trust me, that's what I would do if I could.

 

[ashjohnson80]

Sounds like you all need a heart-to-heart discussion. It would say a lot of your maturity is you asked to all sit down and express feelings, with everyone listening without interruption; no attacks and no judging. Sometimes I fight with DH because we don't communicate well.

Anger is a manifestation of fear, so find out why he's so fearful. Good luck to you!

I think this is really good advice. Being 14 is hard. And I also don't know who ever said that being a teenager was the best years, trust me it does get better!

 

[epcotfan]

Aw I'm sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your Dad has some anger/control issues. His repetitive blowing up and leaving routine is immature and doesn't help anyone. I wish I had some magic words of advice for you.

 

[SoccerDogWithEars]

Aw I'm sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your Dad has some anger/control issues. His repetive blowing up and leaving routine is immature and doesn't help anyone. I wish I had some magic words of advice for you.

It's not really all his fault. I will admit that sometimes I lose my temper as well and give him a lot of attitude. I just don't like that he takes everything I say personally, and never gives me a chance to explain. Thats partly why this whole thing started, he didn't wait for me to get up and explain the CD, and neither did my mom. So I'm stuck just lying on my bed staring at the ceiling because I don't want to interact with either of my parents.

 

[goofy4tink]

Okay, here comes the mom....just so you realize, I have a 29 y/o dd and a 12 y/o dd, so I'm pretty well acquainted with your issues. My suggestion would be to try and sit with your mom at a time you both have the time, and are not pissy with each other. You need to explain, without the attitude, where you are coming from. Sounds like you mght need to try some organizational skill building also. Some of those 'fights' with your dad could have been prevented if you had not 'forgotten'. Yes, I know how busy you guys get, but still, you do have responsibilities.
Now, your dad. Phew, it's so hard on dads when their little girls grow up. Trust me here kiddo. My dh is having the worst time with our dd growing up. He refuses to admit the poor kid is growing a chest!!! And he treats her like an 8 y/o out in public. He actually made a (to him) funny joke in front of one of 'the popular' girls the other day. My poor dd wanted the world to open up and swallow her. And he just didn't get it!! So, cut your poor dad a little slack. This is probably really hard for him. He's never done this (I'm assuming) before and is most likely afraid he'll screw up. And remember, they only want what's best for you.

So, hang in there. You sound like a good kid who is trying to grow up the right way. Try to lose the attitude, I know it's hard to do. You open your mouth and out it comes before you can think about it. Oh yes, I have walked in those shoes myself. Life will get better. I have told my dd to write in a journal. It really does help to put it all down in writing. The other things both my girls have done is to write me a letter/note and tell me what's on their minds. Sometimes it's easier to say it on paper and not have to look your mom in the face while saying what you need to say.

Good-luck...this will pass. I hope your dad makes it through. So hard on dad's when their little princesses grow up...scares the living beejeebers out of them. don't forget that he was a boy once and he knows what's going through those boy minds!!!! Yep, he's scared.

 

[SoccerDogWithEars]

Just an update, my mom and I have fixed things. We actually have a really hard time staying mad at each other. And we didn't exactly do it in words. I made a card with a picture of huge glasses on the front and on the inside it said "you'd need glasses this big to see anything wrong with you." It's even more special between us because her birthday card I made was like that but it was "to see any signs of age". Dad left for work around 6 and should be coming home soon. He's really hard to apologize to because he's like a teenager himself, he refuses to listen and will ignore the crap out of you. So I figure I'm just gonna let him smolder until he's done. It's a good thing I live a block from school, so I don't have to ask him for a ride. So my mom and I are back to being best friends again, and Dad, well, he's still mad but whatever. I figure I'll just show up at my soccer game tomorrow in full uniform, even if I don't get to play (I still can't kick a soccer ball yet, but my moves are still the same). Will update later for those who care.

 

[twojo21]

i remember those rough times with my parents as a teen, it was hell but i love my parents & we are now the best of friends but it takes patience & time on both your parts. it sounds like alot is going on at home right now but always try talking openly with your parents about whats going on in your life & that you need some personal space now. also be aware that that comes with trust & responsibility. as for language/attitude know you'll get respect when you give respect so think before you speak & try to remain in the present & calm. try to maybe get involved in some other social groups to start creating new & exciting things in your life away from your father the soccer coach it might be causing some tension between you, try another sport or soccer team, joining a youth group at church, volunteer, get a pt job to save money for a car or college, set up time to spend with just your parents for bonding, etc. stretch your horizons. know that you parents love you & remind them of what it was like to be a teenager back then, sometimes parents need a flashback. you sound like a good kid, best of luck.