Help with DH's moods!

[ilovefh]

(just doesn't seem to be able to let things roll with the flow) and thus sometimes 'controlling' (things should be the way I see them)... along with social problems and very obvious withdrawal could be signs of a developmental issue, such as some level of some form of and ASD (autism spectrum).



SECOND, Withdrawing and being 'incapable of getting up, moving on, moving forward' can also be signs of a real depression and/or anxiety.

THIRD, Of course, there is always the 'control-freak jerk'.... But, I am not so sure that this is how I am reading your comments.

I can only offer these thoughts.
And tell you that, yes, I do feel you have reason to be confused, concerned, etc...

Now, getting your man to open up and see that there are issues here that he may need to look into and address (possibly thru professional avenues) is a whole 'nother ballgame.

Bolding is mine. That is a great way to describe it! He has been this way since I have known him. I can say before we started dating he was alone. He worked, came home and played with his dog. That was it. He didn't really have any friends.

He did talk to his doctor about it last summer and she put him on something. it made him much more able to deal with the ups and downs of life. I thought it helped. He did not because he thought he would feel happier on it. I do suspect there is some depression going on.

 

[Tiger926]

.

 

[hereyago]

Unfortunately, what we have to listen to (if we choose to listen) is that if we don't engage we're cold, stand-offish, emotionally shut-down people because we refused to engage to make the engager feel better/vindicated/validated. To which I say:

I'd rather be happy.

ITA!!!!!!!! Life is too short for the non sense.

 

[lizziepooh]

That is not normal behavior. Your friends may not stick around long if he is pouting and not responding when they speak to him for a day or longer over a minor issue like where to eat. That makes for a very uncomfortable situation and not fun to be around. I would be concerned about how he will deal when really major issues or disappointments come up. I hope he will seek help with this for both his sake and yours.

 

[iwrbnd]

Did you marry my teenage son?

Seriously, though, I would read on mild aspergers or ADD and see if your DH has any of those traits. If not, then I would tell him to grow up!

 

[ZephyrHawk]

What do I think it is? The same thing I would think it was if your DH was 6 years old. The problem here is the disconnect that occurs when we think that adults should act "grown up". They don't always. Sometimes they throw tantrums when they don't get their way, it's just they know that rolling around on the ground and screaming isn't seemly. How do you deal with it? Well, there's thread upon thread on these boards with people asking how to deal with these issues in their kids, so the answer is, there is no good answer. However, I suggest you try a bunch of different tactics. If nothing else, it will give you some practice for when you do have children.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do I think it is? The same thing I would think it was if your DH was 6 years old. The problem here is the disconnect that occurs when we think that adults should act "grown up". They don't always. Sometimes they throw tantrums when they don't get their way, it's just they know that rolling around on the ground and screaming isn't seemly. How do you deal with it? Well, there's thread upon thread on these boards with people asking how to deal with these issues in their kids, so the answer is, there is no good answer. However, I suggest you try a bunch of different tactics. If nothing else, it will give you some practice for when you do have children.

The problem here with an adult as opposed to your child is that his behavior becomes manipulative and OP will begin to take on a "battered women" mentality.

OP will begin know what "sets him off" and then will do things to accommodate "his moods" so she does not set him off. It will become exhausting and depressing.

Now OP knew he was "off" when she married him and probably thought she could "change him". Or maybe she did not realize the extent of his issues.

Whether his issues are selfishness, mental, or genetic OP has to decide if she can live this way.

I find no shame in admitting that I could not live with someone like this. It is just my personality could not handle pouting like that. I would go crazy and that would not be fair to the guy in question here.

 

[Nom]

Really? I would be divorced from someone like that. I could not live that way.

I guess he found a match in you to put up with behavior like that.

I AM divorced from someone like that- thank god!!!! I put up with that sort of behavior for way too long and am SO happy not to have to cater to someone who goes into a passive agressive snit over every little thing. I am now dating someone who is so different and easy going- it is wonderful- I am just trying to get used to being treated well, because I was not for so many years!

Back to the OP- get into couples therapy QUICK, and if it does not change, I say cut your losses and move on esp since you have no kids. Sorry to sound harsh but BTDT and I wish I had not wasted as many years as I did!!!!

 

[Nom]

The problem here with an adult as opposed to your child is that his behavior becomes manipulative and OP will begin to take on a "battered women" mentality.

OP will begin know what "sets him off" and then will do things to accommodate "his moods" so she does not set him off. It will become exhausting and depressing.

Now OP knew he was "off" when she married him and probably thought she could "change him". Or maybe she did not realize the extent of his issues.

Whether his issues are selfishness, mental, or genetic OP has to decide if she can live this way.

I find no shame in admitting that I could not live with someone like this. It is just my personality could not handle pouting like that. I would go crazy and that would not be fair to the guy in question here.

That was my life for 12+ years!!!!!!! It is a living 'heck'. I am just now starting to realize what happiness is, and I am 33. that is sad. And I have to fight to not fall into my old patterns every single day. Life is not easy, because I was in that situation too long.

I am not trying to throw around words like divorce, just encouraging the OP to get into couples counseling ASAP, and like Mystery Machine says, if he does not change or seem open to change, the OP has to decide what she can live with because it does not get better over the years, it gets worse.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...He did talk to his doctor about it last summer and she put him on something. it made him much more able to deal with the ups and downs of life. I thought it helped. He did not because he thought he would feel happier on it. I do suspect there is some depression going on.

If medication helped and he is refusing to take the medication because it didn't meet his expectations, he should go back and ask to try something else. Maybe there were side effects that he didn't tell you about?

There are many options available. But, if medication did help, he has a problem. It is very difficult for a mentally healthy person to deal with someone who is mentally ill. Marriages like this usually end in divorce, no matter the love at the beginning. I hope that you can convince him to seek treatment again - for his sake and your own.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh, I totally agree that if I were the OP I would consider moving on if these situations do not improve.

I am not saying that she should automatically feel obligated to stay with him....

Passive aggressive behavior like this is TOXIC, no matter what the cause!

I just think that, in all fairness, a spouse should at least try to have as much info and understanding before they make that kind of decision. She has known this man for quite a while, has married him, and is his spouse....

It does not seem that the OP came into this thread looking for advice and encouragement to leave her husband.

She actually admits to looking for medical/psychological input.

I am looking for a little DIS doctor/psychiatrist advice!
....
He doesn't think this is a problem, I do. What do you think this is? Is this something medication can help?

So, this is the type of input that I am giving. (as opposed to simply, "leave the @*#$")

But, yes, I do agree that after careful consideration and looking at as much info as possible, yes, she would have my blessing to move on. Especially if he was unwilling or unable to address these problems with a positive outcome. Which is very unlikely if "He doesn't think this is a problem".

So, if the OP is ever looking for 'permission' or validation to move forward, she definitely does have it.