Help with DH's moods!

[ilovefh]

I am looking for a little DIS doctor/psychiatrist advice!

DH is typically a happy guy, but if something goes not according to his plan or wrong he shuts down. He will become sad and just sit down and do nothing or irritable and mad. An example would be if we were supposed to go see a movie one night and we ended up not being able to go he will be upset and just shut down. He doesn't think this is a problem, I do. What do you think this is? Is this something medication can help?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Or you can video tape his behavior and then play it back for him when he is out of his "mood".

Whether he has something more serious, remains to be seen.

 

[RadioNate]

Well, is this something that happens a lot? Plans changing at the last minute? He sounds disappointed.

I don't think it is anything more serious than a guy who was looking forward to something and then having his plans changed involuntarily. When that happens a lot, it really does start to be very frustrating.

I wonder if this isn't a guy who seems to be trying really hard to plan something that he feels is special & then is hurt and disappointed when his expectations aren't met. And is especially hurt when other's aren't as disappointed as he is.

Are, by chance, the one to change the plans? What is your mood like if his plan is canceled. Do you act more like "oh well" or like you are disappointed?

 

[SamRoc]

Sounds just like my dh. He used to be the same way until he had his blood tested. Found out he has hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) With a change in his diet and by taking brewers yeast, he is alot better.

 

[LuvOrlando]

let me get this straight, the guy isn't abusive or anything and isn't showing any violence. Instead he, very maturely, shuts himself off until he's feeling better and more comfortable with engaging others. Yet, for some reason you are complain that he needs to be medicated because he's not joyful when he's disappointed. Hmmm, I don't even know what to say to you other than you might want to consider that you have un-realistic expectations of your DH. The way you are defining his displeasure as a biochemical defect is unfair at best, and could even be a little manipulative because you are trying to control his moods. I'm confused, unless you are leaving something out or downplaying something, which is entirely possible, I do not understand your complaint.

 

[ilovefh]

Well, is this something that happens a lot? Plans changing at the last minute? He sounds disappointed.

I don't think it is anything more serious than a guy who was looking forward to something and then having his plans changed involuntarily. When that happens a lot, it really does start to be very frustrating.

I wonder if this isn't a guy who seems to be trying really hard to plan something that he feels is special & then is hurt and disappointed when his expectations aren't met. And is especially hurt when other's aren't as disappointed as he is.

Are, by chance, the one to change the plans? What is your mood like if his plan is canceled. Do you act more like "oh well" or like you are disappointed?

It could be anything.

Here is what just happened. We are selling our house and moving. Our house is set to close on June 7th. But and there is a big but, we live in an association that must first approve the buyers. They will be interviewing them on May 28. They have never turned anyone down, so we assume we are fine with that, but the ball is in their hands. If they want they can let us know their decision immediately or wait as long as they want to let us know their decision.

My husband wants to give his notice immediately at work so he can move quicker to get the house and job search started. I am stuck staying here until school gets out on June 18. I just asked him what if you give your notice and then we don't close until late June. Then he wouldn't be working for a month. He got upset and shut down. Now he will only just sit there staring off.

It's like he can't take things with a grain of salt. If it doesn't work out exactly like he planned it he shuts down. He was on some sort of medicine in the fall that helped (from my perspective, he didn't like it).

 

[ilovefh]

let me get this straight, the guy isn't abusive or anything and isn't showing any violence. Instead he, very maturely, shuts himself off until he's feeling better and more comfortable with engaging others. Yet, for some reason you are complain that he needs to be medicated because he's not joyful when he's disappointed. Hmmm, I don't even know what to say to you other than you might want to consider that you have un-realistic expectations of your DH. The way you are defining his displeasure as a biochemical defect is unfair at best, and could even be a little manipulative because you are trying to control his moods. I'm confused, unless you are leaving something out or downplaying something, which is entirely possible, I do not understand your complaint.

I guess it is hard to explain his moods over the computer. I can tell you everyone notices it, not just me. Family, friends etc. I guess the closest thing I could compare it to is pouting. For example on a trip to Disney with friends everyone else wanted to eat at the Electric Umbrella, he wanted to eat in the Land. He sat silently pouting at the lunch table and would not acknowledge anyone, even when they spoke to him. He also refused to order anything because it was not the place he wanted to eat at. He also would not walk back and grab something from the Land to eat in the Electric Umbrella. And the timeline for engaging with others is not minutes, or even hours usually. Normally he will pout for the whole day and refuse to talk to anyone. If we're at home he will just got lay in bed for the day.

I wish it was easier to explain.

 

[ilovefh]

Well, is this something that happens a lot? Plans changing at the last minute? He sounds disappointed.

I don't think it is anything more serious than a guy who was looking forward to something and then having his plans changed involuntarily. When that happens a lot, it really does start to be very frustrating.

I wonder if this isn't a guy who seems to be trying really hard to plan something that he feels is special & then is hurt and disappointed when his expectations aren't met. And is especially hurt when other's aren't as disappointed as he is.

Are, by chance, the one to change the plans? What is your mood like if his plan is canceled. Do you act more like "oh well" or like you are disappointed?

He is definitely disappointed, but sometimes I feel like he takes the disappointment to the extreme. I'm fairly easy going so I tend to say "oh well" if our plans change.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess it is hard to explain his moods over the computer. I can tell you everyone notices it, not just me. Family, friends etc. I guess the closest thing I could compare it to is pouting. For example on a trip to Disney with friends everyone else wanted to eat at the Electric Umbrella, he wanted to eat in the Land. He sat silently pouting at the lunch table and would not acknowledge anyone, even when they spoke to him. He also refused to order anything because it was not the place he wanted to eat at. He also would not walk back and grab something from the Land to eat in the Electric Umbrella. And the timeline for engaging with others is not minutes, or even hours usually. Normally he will pout for the whole day and refuse to talk to anyone. If we're at home he will just got lay in bed for the day.

I wish it was easier to explain.

Really? I would be divorced from someone like that. I could not live that way.

I guess he found a match in you to put up with behavior like that.

 

[Carly_Roach]

We're only getting a snapshot into the man's life here with a few examples from the person who feels wronged. Unless/until I see this person on a daily basis for years, I can't tell you whether his actions are extreme or defense mechanism.

I can tell you that I know two people like this (maybe three) and all of them are fairly happy, easy-going, go-with-the-flow kind of people. However, all of them have the "shut-down" defense mechanism you're describing.

One of the people in particular has been married to a woman (drama queen) for decades. This woman seems to emote over the least little thing, so his defense mechanism is to simply shut down because he doesn't feel like getting into arguments. Then she emotes (drama queens) to everyone over the fact that he's "emotionally shut down and won't communicate", not realizing that she's the reason he's shutting down in the first place.

Her idea of "communication" is that everyone must agree that she's right. He simply doesn't want to deal with her over the top drama queening so he either stands there and waits it out or goes to another part of the house.

I've been in these 'disagreements' with her before and she's said on several occasions, "You're not listening to me". I finally had to shut HER down with, "I'm listening to you all right. I'm just not agreeing with you." I've been fortunate to be without her company for a long time now. But we still see her husband on several occasions. I totally understand the "shut down" attitude from his perspective. While friends have advised divorce, he's from the time where divorce would disgrace the family so he won't even entertain the thought.

I try to keep these kinds of situations in mind whenever I hear one side of the story. Unless I've been experiencing your husband's behavior for a few months, I cannot tell you whether or not he's "moody" or if he's merely responding to many years of other people telling him what to do and him not being happy with being treated like a child.

 

[hereyago]

For example on a trip to Disney with friends everyone else wanted to eat at the Electric Umbrella, he wanted to eat in the Land. He sat silently pouting at the lunch table and would not acknowledge anyone, even when they spoke to him. He also refused to order anything because it was not the place he wanted to eat at. He also would not walk back and grab something from the Land to eat in the Electric Umbrella. And the timeline for engaging with others is not minutes, or even hours usually. Normally he will pout for the whole day and refuse to talk to anyone. If we're at home he will just got lay in bed for the day.

I wish it was easier to explain.

That is called an adult spoiled brat. Seriously.

 

[Carly_Roach]

let me get this straight, the guy isn't abusive or anything and isn't showing any violence. Instead he, very maturely, shuts himself off until he's feeling better and more comfortable with engaging others. Yet, for some reason you are complain that he needs to be medicated because he's not joyful when he's disappointed. Hmmm, I don't even know what to say to you other than you might want to consider that you have un-realistic expectations of your DH. The way you are defining his displeasure as a biochemical defect is unfair at best, and could even be a little manipulative because you are trying to control his moods. I'm confused, unless you are leaving something out or downplaying something, which is entirely possible, I do not understand your complaint.

I'm going to have to agree with LuvOrlando. Withdrawing yourself from what you may consider a "no-win" situation is a mature thing to do.

For example on a trip to Disney with friends everyone else wanted to eat at the Electric Umbrella, he wanted to eat in the Land. He sat silently pouting at the lunch table and would not acknowledge anyone, even when they spoke to him. He also refused to order anything because it was not the place he wanted to eat at. He also would not walk back and grab something from the Land to eat in the Electric Umbrella. And the timeline for engaging with others is not minutes, or even hours usually. Normally he will pout for the whole day and refuse to talk to anyone. If we're at home he will just got lay in bed for the day.
I wish it was easier to explain.

On the other hand, if I had someone in my life who was truly behaving in this manner and trying to manipulate me and others into doing what he wants, when he wants, all the time, then I would have two choices:

1. Not do anything with him when he's behaving like this (you go your way, I'll go mine - enjoy your day in bed and I hope you feel better soon)
2. Divorce

If this attitude is a frequent attitude (once a week or more), then I would see no other option but to discontinue the relationship. DH will act "put out" on occassion as will I, but it doesn't happen frequently enough to put a strain on our relationship. We forgive each other, move on, and forget about it. I'd rather have him in my life with his occasional moods than live without him.

 

[themilesfamily]

It sounds like he's being a big baby to me. When he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it, he's going to make everyone else miserable and uncomfortable -- i.e. not responding to people when they talk to him, etc.

Maybe that's how he got his way when he was a kid.

I don't know if you have children or not, but that's not modeling very good problem-solving behavior or effective communication for them.

If this is his way of dealing with the world -- and it's a long-term, ingrained way of him handling things -- good luck changing that. You may just have to learn to accept it and ignore it if you want to stay with him.

 

[Schmeck]

Has he always been like this, or is it a relatively new behavior? Shutting down/refusing to participate unless it is a favored activity sounds like Asperger's Syndrome to me, but an adult with Asperger's should have more coping mechanisms than what the OP describes.

If it is a relatively new behavior (as in, you knew him when he didn't act like this) then he needs to see a psychiatrist or counselor.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I am not going to start throwing out baseless inflammatory judgments against the OP, or her husband. That helps no-one!!!!

OP, from what you have described, I would be concerned.
I am no expert, at all.....
But, I will give you my thoughts and throw out a few words that have often been ridiculed by others.

There is no way that anyone here can give you sound advice, based just on a few posts. But, I will tell you what I see.

FIRST, Being rigid (just doesn't seem to be able to let things roll with the flow) and thus sometimes 'controlling' (things should be the way I see them)... along with social problems and very obvious withdrawal could be signs of a developmental issue, such as some level of some form of and ASD (autism spectrum).

Edited to add: now that I see this post that came in above

Has he always been like this, or is it a relatively new behavior? Shutting down/refusing to participate unless it is a favored activity sounds like Asperger's Syndrome to me, but an adult with Asperger's should have more coping mechanisms than what the OP describes.

Nope, not necessarily....
The stress and responsibility of these adult situations could very well add to anxiety, and over-run any coping mechanisms that the person may have.
Developmental issues like this do not 'get better' or become 'outgrown'.

SECOND, Withdrawing and being 'incapable of getting up, moving on, moving forward' can also be signs of a real depression and/or anxiety.

THIRD, Of course, there is always the 'control-freak jerk'.... But, I am not so sure that this is how I am reading your comments.

I can only offer these thoughts.
And tell you that, yes, I do feel you have reason to be confused, concerned, etc...

Now, getting your man to open up and see that there are issues here that he may need to look into and address (possibly thru professional avenues) is a whole 'nother ballgame.

 

[hereyago]

You know what is worse? When people like that get older. THen outside people say "oh, you know when people get older, they get-mean, stubborn, etc", but a lot of cases, they were like that from the jump, it is only amped up.

DM is 76, not a cute look when she gets in a brat-world revolves around me mood. Her family and even my DF ALLOWED her to act like that. It isn't fun to be the one who won't enable that behavior. I have learned not to engage, which honestly is one of the hardest things.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, again everyone, name calling and throwing around words like 'divorce' based on the limited info given is NOT helping anyone!!!!

OP, it seems that you are sincerely looking for some insight and information here. I have added to my post, just above, so maybe you would want to re-read it.

And, again, as the other posted just asked...
Has he always seemed to be like this.... (think back and be honest!!!!)
Is this something inherent, or is it truly something new.

While I am assuming that this has always been inherent...
I think that this is really the Million Dollar Question!

 

[Carly_Roach]

I have learned not to engage, which honestly is one of the hardest things.

You said it, sistah! Learning not to engage is definitely an acquired life skill that infinitely makes our lives easier.

Unfortunately, what we have to listen to (if we choose to listen) is that if we don't engage we're cold, stand-offish, emotionally shut-down people because we refused to engage to make the engager feel better/vindicated/validated. To which I say:

I'd rather be happy.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I guess it is hard to explain his moods over the computer. I can tell you everyone notices it, not just me. Family, friends etc. I guess the closest thing I could compare it to is pouting. For example on a trip to Disney with friends everyone else wanted to eat at the Electric Umbrella, he wanted to eat in the Land. He sat silently pouting at the lunch table and would not acknowledge anyone, even when they spoke to him. He also refused to order anything because it was not the place he wanted to eat at. He also would not walk back and grab something from the Land to eat in the Electric Umbrella. And the timeline for engaging with others is not minutes, or even hours usually. Normally he will pout for the whole day and refuse to talk to anyone. If we're at home he will just got lay in bed for the day.

I wish it was easier to explain.

I think I understand you better now. I don't think what you are describing is a medical imbalance though. His disappointment sounds rationally placed, its just a little over the top for a grown man. I hate to say it but I doubt anything is going to change this because it sounds like it's just his personality. To his benefit though, he must realize he is a bit immature about it because he does shut himself up instead of making everyone else miserable.

I feel bad you have to put up with it but IMHO, considering he way SOME men who are easily frustrated lash out at others, he's not so bad. If it were me I'd shut him down as a response to it and fight the caregiver in me to try to make him 'feel better'. When I'm around someone who acts like this & get frustrated I just wash my hands of it and say, "I just stopped caring" and literally walk away. Let him sulk until he's ok, but don't let him bring you down. It's not your job to coddle him, he's not your child, he's your husband... hang in there

 

[Wishing on a star]

And the timeline for engaging with others is not minutes, or even hours usually. Normally he will pout for the whole day and refuse to talk to anyone. If we're at home he will just go lay in bed for the day.

This is not 'normal'.
This is not normal adult behavior. (in bed for HOURS)
This is not simply removing oneself from a volatile situation. (none of the situations mentioned here are really adversarial or volatile)

This is, indeed, very juvenile.

One could possibly read this as passive-aggressive (narcissitic jerk) behavior. But, something tells me that this would not be an accurate description of who the OP's husband really is.

I am trying to see as much of the big-picture based on what you have written, I continue to think that this is more than that.

I see too many red flags for depression, anxiety, developmental issues, etc...

I continue to wonder if there are not some issues here that could/should be addressed/treated.